Shot Off The Press
March 2007

* Ya gotta give the President credit: he can still laugh at himself despite sodomizing America and the world.       (3-31-07)

* Pat Tillman and Terri Schiavo have much to discuss.       (3-31-07)

* Don Rumsfeld spotted riding bikes with Mark Foley       (3-31-07)

* In a "newly discovered" diary trotted out by the White House, Saddam admits planning 9/11 with Al-Qaeda, having WMD, and importing tons of yellowcake from Niger.       (3-31-07)

* Less freedom = more security. I don't know how much more security we can take.       (3-31-07)

* The Administration's Katrina plan is finally working: ignore it and it'll go away. Then, ignore it some more.       (3-31-07)

* Just remember this: we're still safer and we have a great new Medicare prescription drug program.       (3-31-07)

* Just like Bush re-invaded Iraq to finish Daddy's business, he and Cheney are discussing re-invading Vietnam.       (3-31-07)

* How are THEY still standing? Read The Declaration of Independence and you can only shake your head in jaw-dropping bewilderment.       (3-31-07)

* The Bush Legacy: bringing the acronym "FUBAR" back into relevance: "F'd Up Beyond All Repair"       (3-31-07)

* I suppose Rove will spin "cut-and-run" into "graceful victorious exit."        (3-31-07)

* From the "What Goes Around, Comes Around" category: wouldn't it be ironic if in 10 years, a Bush-emboldened Middle East coalition of allies came to America to "liberate" us from democracy?       (3-31-07)

* You know, it all depends on how you see the glass: half empty or half full.....of blood.       (3-30-07)

* Rove transferred to Dubai       (3-30-07)

* Alberto Gonzales, Attorney GeneraLiar       (3-30-07)

* The happiest man on the planet: Osama Bin Laden.       (3-30-07)

* I only wish Mr. Rogers were here to ask: "Can you say, 'the President and Vice President have lost the war,' boys and girls?"       (3-30-07)

* Things haven't gotten any better in Iraq, BUT, they haven't gotten much worse either = the Surge is working!       (3-30-07)

* Somebody could make a mint with "The Karl Rove Voodoo Doll."       (3-29-07)

* AP: Senate Democrats ignored a veto threat and pushed through a bill Thursday requiring President Bush to start withdrawing troops from "the civil war in Iraq," dealing a rare, sharp rebuke to a wartime commander in chief. Na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, GOODBYE.        (3-29 (TODAY is a very significant day for this to have happened. Check out the top story from "On This Day" in 1973!)-07)

* Please God, can't Rove and Gonzales be caught on tape exchanging a sloppy kiss in a secret hallway somewhere?       (3-28-07)

* President Darth-Decider is trying to defer blame for the war onto the Democrats just because they want to follow the will of the people. We can't have that!       (3-28-07)

* Bush said to be "extremely torqued" that Tony Blair may get to bomb Iran before he does.       (3-28-07)

* If the President weren't on LSD (Long Sustained Demise), we could get out of Iraq and on with our lives.       (3-28-07)

* Bush talks some pretty tough smack in front of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. Let's see him try that in front of real Americans.       (3-28-07)

* While we're at it, let's impeach the Patriot Act.       (3-27-07)

* Bush, seeing floors, walls and ceilings crumbling all around his presidency, takes a bike ride into the sunset wishing he could be AWOL again.       (3-26-07)

* Bush has his wimpy little veto to thwart Congress. But, he can't veto the will of the People.        (3-26-07)

* Tom DeLay has a close personal relationship with Gawd.       (3-27-07)

* What we have here is a failure to communicate...the TRUTH.       (3-26-07)

* Even Novak is firing his Cheney-model shotgun at Bush.       (3-26-07)

* So, the Bush administration has been in contact with the terrorists after all: well, they do speak the same language.       (3-26-07)

* Maybe it's time to get away from the negative and focus on the positive things the Bush administration has done for us in the past 6 years. Oh my God, I've just come up with another "Shortest Books in the World" title!       (3-24-07)

* No wonder Bush is still sticking by Gonazles despite disparaging new revelations: miserable liars love company.       (3-24-07)

* Grand Canyon Skywalk to add bungee-jumping        (3-24-07)

* The Grand Ca$hyon       (3-24-07)

* Halliburton "wins" no-bid contract to construct skywalk on Statue of Liberty       (3-24-07)

* The President was so pissed over the passage of the House bill to end the war, he rode his bike over 5 Secret Servicemen, then cussed them out for being in the way.       (3-23-07)

* "Let's get ready to rumble! Fighting out of the blue corner, George 'Georgeeeeeeeeeesus' Buuuuuuuuuush! Fighting out of the red corner, The Law of The Land, Our Constituuuuuuuuuution!"       (3-22-07)

* The Bush administration has that drug-smuggler moral-value mentality. They'll say and do absolutely anything to get the load through.       (3-22-07)

* CNN: "Gap in Justice, White House e-mails raises questions" ~ Jeepers, that's a coincidence. I'm sure that's all it is. Just like the coincidental 18-minute gap in the Nixon Watergate tapes.       (3-22-07)

* Civil Liberties = Global Warming: inconvenient as hell.       (3-22-07)

* That pious evangelical President of ours has accused the Democrats of going on a "partisan fishing expedition." It's gratifying to see a criminal pretending to take the moral high road.       (3-21-07)

* Bush is a compassionate Republican like Hitler was a compassionate Nazi.       (3-21-07)

* The Patriot Act is really "The Fascist Manifesto" in disguise.       (3-21-07)

* Arnold calls Rush "irrelevant." Now do you see why free speech is so dangerous?        (3-20-07)

* A scandal a week for the Bush administration, not to mention the war. Impeccable.        (3-21-07)

* Did you really think "Georgesus" would allow his equally arrogant cronies to testify in public? What part of "staunchly opaque and secretive" don't you understand?       (3-20-07)

* This just in: secret video of Harriet Miers under President's desk surfaces!        (3-20-07)

* The President swears on a stack of Bibles that he'll make time to read the Constitution just as soon as he wins the war.       (3-20-07)

* Bush Library finally finds a home on MySpace.       (3-20-07)

* I might forgive the Bush administration when they're wearing orange jumpsuits and picking up trash along the interstate. Nah, not even then.       (3-20-07)

* Dubya, you and Dick need to take some "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."       (3-20-07)

* Let's flush the Neoconnivers out of the White House first, then unburden the troops from Iraq second.       (3-20-07)

* Bush and Cheney don't own God. They just think they do.       (3-20-07)

* Olbermann declares Bush "Today's Worst Person in the Universe!"       (3-20-07)

* Life under Saddam is looking better to Iraqis by the minute.       (3-20-07)

* We can leave Iraq in disgrace as losers now, or leave in disgrace as losers later. It's all a matter of how many more troops and Iraqis Bush wants dead.       (3-20-07)

* Four killer years in Iraq: "Bushion Accomplished!" When's it gonna be "Game Over?"        (3-19-07)

* Bush is pleading for patience in Iraq. What, you'd like 20 more years, President Putz?       (3-19-07)

* "Bong Hits 4 Jesus"       (3-19-07)

* Iraq: 4 years of BusHell!!!       (3-19-07)

* Oh, how I love the smell of impeachment in the morning.       (3-18-07)

* Going, going, GONE-ZALES!       (3-18-07)

* The President assures the world that the surge would be working if only it weren't for the chlorine bombs.       (3-18-07)

* It's March Antiwar Madness: "Impeach the BushPigs!"       (3-17-07)

* There appears to be a "smoking Rove" behind those U.S. attorney firings.        (3-17-07)

* We've just had the warmest winter on record. Yet more proof of a vast left-wing conspiracy.       (3-16-07)

* Bush Mission Statement: Endless Wrongs Make Endless Rights.       (3-16-07)

* The common denominator for all neoCorruption is Rove. He needs to be removed from the equation.       (3-16-07)

* Bush may be forced to "Medal-of-Freedomize" his Attorney General.       (3-16-07)

* Oh, how I long to see a Democratic president in the White House before Bush's term is up.       (3-16-07)

* It reeks so bad in the White House, even the cockroaches have left the building.       (3-16-07)

* Grasping at straws, a defiant Attorney General refuses to step down: "George, Dick and Karl get to lie everyday and they don't have to resign!"       (3-15-07)

* Khalid Shaikh Mohammed also admits responsibility for earthquakes, tsunamis since '93       (3-15-07)

* Let's make one thing perfectly crystal clear: war is immoral, homosexuality is not.       (3-14-07)

* I finally get it now: the Bush administration plans a scandal a day hoping we'll all burn out and not care anymore. Close, but no "Lewinsky."       (3-14-07)

* The Few. The Proud. The Gay Marines.       (3-14-07)

* Emergency addition to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell": "DON'T SPEAK."       (3-14-07)

* Rumsfeld ready and waiting in the wings if Gonzales goes.       (3-14-07)

* No Scandal Left Behind       (3-13-07)

* Bush pledges a "return" to moral values "as soon as we get things squared away in Iraq."       (3-13-07)

* Gonzales echoes Bush, Cheney and Rove: "It's our government and we'll resign when we're damn good and ready."        (3-13-07)

* General Pace, what's the big deal about gay Marines? Pastor Ted Haggard can "cure" 'em in 3 weeks.       (3-13-07)

* All the President's Men, the Sequel: Deep-Throat II       (3-12-07)

* Why do so many al Qaeda cells have a Dick Cheney poster on the wall?       (3-12-07)

* FOX is reporting that Bin Laden has changed his first name to "Obama."       (3-12-07)

* Dick Cheney's bed has 2 wrong sides.       (3-12-07)

* Though Halliburton is relocating its pallets of cash to the Middle East, Houston will still be in charge of pallet production.       (3-12-07)

* White House staffer fired for remarking, "This administration's meltdown makes Chernobyl look like a cakewalk."        (3-12-07)

* Gonzales classifies news media        (3-11-07)

* EVERYTHING'S rotten in the state of "Bushmark!"       (3-11-07)

* Things are so bad at the White House, the President will serve the rest of his term in Crawford.       (3-11-07)

* Abramoff, DeLay rush to embattled crony, Rove's defense       (3-11-07)

* Anonymous sources: Alberto Gonzales replaced by Harriet Miers; Rove out, Wm. Bennett in       (3-11-07)

* Cheney said to be "in last throes" over continued "conspiratorial attacks" against Bush administration officials       (3-11-07)

* Looks like I picked the wrong decade to quit sniffing glue.       (3-10-07)

* Bush named "Top Dictator" by Autocrat Magazine        (3-10-07)

* You know who really deserves a Medal of Freedom? All those lost souls who voted "The Scoundrels" into office not once, but TWICE.       (3-10-07)

* White House now reportedly going through truckload of antidepressants per week       (3-10-07)

* Losing its news license, FOX looks toward producing more Evangelical programming with Pastor Ted Haggard's "Completely Heterosexual."       (3-9-07)

* Bush hopes global warming will make US farmland suitable for growing sugar cane: "See, Global warming's not all that bad."       (3-9-07)

* Latin Americans complain of putrid sulfur smell during Bush visits       (3-9-07)

* Federal Bureau of Injustice: Patriot Act, American People "Katrina'd" again       (3-9-07)

* There are now 946 billionaires worldwide. I just missed the list by a scant $999,960,000.       (3-9-07)

* While Clinton was not having sexual relations with "that woman," Newt was.   (Once and for all, NEWTER GINGRICH!)    (3-8-07)

* Dubya = Vain Ego-Tripping Oaf       (3-8-07)

* Pardon Lisa Nowak!       (3-8-07)

* "Hello, this is Dick Cheney for Publishers Clearing House ..."       (3-8-07)

* The President is heading to Latin America on a military recruiting swing       (3-8-07)

* How about a binding resolution that pardons Libby and fires Cheney?       (3-8-07)

* A suspicious package was found on White House grounds: the Constitution.       (3-8-07)

* If there is no military solution to the Iraquagmire as General Patraeus says, what in the hell are we doing there? It couldn't just possibly be that WE are the problem, could it? Oh, how unpatriotic of me.       (3-8-07)

* I must question the Democrats war proposal to withdraw troops sooner than later: why cut and run when you can stay and die?       (3-8-07)

* If we're running short, can't we rent some troops from another country? You know, like "Rent-a-Vet?"       (3-8-07)

rove dick
* Why are these rogues laughing? Because Scooter took the fall like an unlucky altar boy.

* Vice President receives flurry of "Get Worse Soon" cards   (Thanks to my Dad, Spike Gerver.)    (3-7-07)

* Encouraged by his surge's "gradual but important progress", the President will buy a lottery ticket for every family in America who still supports him.       (3-7-07)

* I'm heading into rehab even though I don't use drugs or alcohol. My agent says it's good publicity.
       (3-7-07)

* Bush & Cheney proudly Support Our Troops' demise.       (3-7-07)

* Here's what really irks the hell out of me: visualizing my hard-earned tax dollars on a Halliburton cash-pallet somewhere out in the middle of Bumfuq, Iraq.       (3-7-07)

* Ann Coulter shaves head!       (3-7-07)

* When Cheney resigns or is convicted, I nominate John Bolton or Tony Snow.       (3-7-07)

* I'm movin' to Vermont!       (3-7-07)

* Ann Coulter reaches out to troubled NASA astronaut: "I drove cross-country in diapers once to smear a Democrat."       (3-7-07)

* Major poll shows 81% of Americans think Satan has more ethical values than the President and Vice President combined.       (3-6-07)

* Have you noticed that we hear good news about Iraq from Bush about as often as we hear about Social Security reform?       (3-6-07)

* Desperate to find a stop-gap way out of the Walter Reed debacle, the President will outsource wounded-troop care to India.        (3-6-07)

* I hope like hell Bush does pardon Libby. Then maybe he can pardon Abramoff, DeLay, Cunningham, and Ney, you know, in tribute to the late great "Kenny Boy."       (3-6-07)

* Despite what a horrid day it's been for the White House and Iraq, the President, as always, spins it to his favor: "Laura and I just made a killing in the stock market!"       (3-6-07)

* BUSH ADMINISTRATION OUTED!
"The trial revealed a surprising level of both hysteria and hypocrisy in the White House."       (3-6-07)

* The Libby verdict officially puts the White House under an electron microscope for national and global scrutiny. It's almost like they totally forgot about ethics and moral values or something.       (3-6-07)

* I bet Cheney is ready to "last-throe-up." Maybe he, Bush and Rove will be greeted as "Libbyrators."        (3-6-07)

* So, Dubya, are ya still gonna fire the leakers? How 'bout "Chubya?"       (3-6-07)

* LIBBY VERDICT IN: CHENEY GUILTY!       (3-6-07)

* Fired US attorneys were axed because they differed with Herr's Bush & Cheney. Alberto "Mr. Jurisprudence" Gonzales swears he was "only following orders."       (3-6-07)

* The SURGE is working...........in REVERSE!       (3-6-07)

* WJBA? According to John Edwards, "Yes, Jesus Would Be Appalled!"       (3-6-07)

* Fully recovered meth-using gay sex addict, Pastor Ted Haggard, becomes chaplain at Walter Reed       (3-6-07)

* What about using the Patriot Act to extricate the Bush administration from the White House?       (3-6-07)

* Vice President Cheney has a blod clot in his calf. Doctors are confident his mean-spiritedness will dissolve it. (Do you suppose they also put him on WARfarin?)       (3-5-07)

* The U.S. is in "deep Shiite" again.       (3-5-07)

* Coulter insists she meant to say "maggot."       (3-5-07)

* Beef Industry quietly rejoices at latest news of global overfishing       (3-5-07)

* Dick & Dubya will be out selling the WOT this week. I will be TiVo'ing these speeches just so I can skip to the commercials.       (3-5-07)

* We must give credit where credit is due: Bush & Cheney are consistent. They send troops into harm's way and they bring 'em back into harm's way.       (3-5-07)

* Guiness called in to certify record for "Most Presidential Scandals"       (3-5-07)

* Do they have rehab for arrogant a**holes?       (3-5-07)

* Steely resolve at the White House: "If the current troop surge does not succeed, we will simply plan a subsequent surge but change the name to 'troop influx.'"       (3-5-07)

* The Gulf Coast and Walter Reed have a lot in common to the Bush administration: why fix 'em up, they're goners anyway.       (3-4-07)

* Americans are being "saved" from the "perils" of medical marijuana so they can be exposed to the perils of a dangerous new cow antibiotic, cefquinome. I smell "Big Pharmaceutical" at work. Talk about a "cash cow!"       (3-4-07)

* "The Must-Do List": an excellent editorial from The New York Times: "Today we're offering a list - which, sadly, is hardly exhaustive - of things that need to be done to reverse the unwise and lawless policies of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney."       (3-4-07)

* China, announcing a much higher than expected increase in military spending (18%), says they owe it all to Wal*Mart.        (3-4-07)

* Is there at least a slim chance Gates could fire Bush & Cheney?       (3-4-07)

* The President promises tornado victims that he will form the Commission to Conquer Tornadoes (CCT) under the auspices of FEMA.       (3-4-07)

* Bush swings wildly at reporter who addresses him as "Katrina Boy"       (3-4-07)

* The WHYte House       (3-4-07)

* Things could be worse: if Al Gore had become President, he probably wouldn't have had time to win an Oscar.       (3-4-07)

* Not to worry: at least the President and Vice President will have great pensions and the best health care our money can buy.        (3-4-07)

* You can't blame Bush for the Walter Reed atrocity. You can blame the liberal press for exposing it.       (3-4-07)

* Pulling out all stops to right the ship, Bush promises free lifetime gauze, Neosporin, bandages, crutches and canes to the War Wounded.       (3-4-07)

* WMD = What Maniacs Do       (3-4-07)

* The President says he's "deeply troubled" by the Walter Reed scandal. Just like he's deeply troubled by the War, Katrina, and the Environment?       (3-4-07)

* I hereby Christen thee "Anna Nicoulter!"       (3-4-07)

* ANNA NICOLE UNEARTHED BY SERIAL EXHUMER!!!       (3-3-07)

* "Marijuana: the wonder drug": the terrorists are at it again.       (3-3-07)

* The "Katrinazation" of Iraq War Vets: wounding the wounded       (3-3-07)

* Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a "fa**ot." Well, we were gonna need a bimbo to fill the Anna Nicole void anyway.       (3-2-07)

* Iraq, Katrina, Walter Reed: all the Wrong heads are rolling!       (3-2-07)

* Simple solution: convert the Walter Reed Army Medical Center into the Bush Library        (3-2-07)

* Dear White House: do you call the Walter Reed horror story "Supporting Our Troops?"       (3-2-07)

* Walter Reed George W. Bush Army Medical Center       (3-2-07)

* In recognition of Dr. Suess's birthday, the President lauds Ted Geisel as "one of the greatest authors of our time. I still read his books every night before bed."        (3-2-07)

* Walter Cronkite says, "We should have gotten out (of Iraq) a long time ago." If it's good enough for "Uncle Walter," it's good enough for me.       (3-2-07)

* Any presidential candidate named after a baseball glove can't be taken seriously.       (3-2-07)

* Obama's descendants were slave owners? Must be the work of "Slave Boat Veterans for Truth."       (3-2-07)

* The President vows to make good on his Gulf Coast pledge: "I've dispatched unlimited bottled water and Mentos for everyone."       (3-1-07)

* "Brownie" appointed to take over reins at Walter Reed       (3-1-07)

* "Bush," "Rice," "Dick," "Iraq," "Iran," and our two favorite expletives are all 4-letters long. Coinicidence? I think not.       (3-1-07)

* You know, there's always a silver lining to even the worst worst-case scenario. For example, Bush & Cheney have been president for 7 looooooong years. But, Hitler hasn't. See what I mean?       (3-1-07)

* "Johnny Mac" throws his bayonet into the ring just in time to apologize for calling US troop deaths "wasted."        (3-1-07)

* Harvard study suggests eating ice cream may boost female fertility. Ah, to be a woman again...        (3-1-07)

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