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Idiot Stick Videos ~ My Original Comedy and Songwriting YouTube Channel: "Comedy doesn't have to be good as long as it's brief."
Blind Newt: Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist
The United States of America
Made in China
(Courtesy of Casey Gerver)
If you ever feel "Palinesque," dial 911.
I'll believe in shared sacrifice when Wall Street does.
I don't have a job, but I do have 7 credit cards.
Regarding life: One can only drink so much lemonade.
Do dogs ever smoke after sex?
White elephant seeks room.
My retirement account has just been retired.
I may not have a job, but at least I'm broke.
Hedge funds suck.
I'll try anything to change my luck: like bleaching my black cat white.
If only I were a big Corporation...
I don't want health insurance, I want BEER.
Will work for favorable Tweet.
Dyslexics take it one time at a day.
Due to football season, I've suspended my political angst.
How about a government-sponsored Trillion Dollar Lottery with 1,000,000
Who needs health care? I flat refuse to get sick and die.
Polar Bears Against Global Warming
I'm cash-for-clunker'd out.
As me about FREE paper clips!
The Government has EDHD: Economy Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Why did my burger come with a statin-drug coupon?
I am not hooked to a computer. It is hooked to me.
Oh no, DUST MITES!!!
Screw cash & taxes. It's barter-time.
Oh no, I've just been diagnosed with Economitis!Broker than broke, got no smokes, nothing to drink but water...
The new Everest: climbing Debt Mountain.
I had a thong tattooed on me so I'll never need underwear.
I just bought my thousandth gun, and every one is loaded.Gullible and Proud
Good news! I led a horse to water and it drank.
All that obedience training's gone out the window: I caught the Shih Tzus smoking.Peacemonger
I'm gonna go ahead and declare bankruptcy before anything bad happens.
My retirement has left the building.
Have you ever noticed that dogs don't give a rip about the economy?Stay-At-Home Dad (What the hell was I thinking?)
Well, at least we've still got death and taxes.
I've quit smoking. Now I just sit here and rot.I'd rather be working.
Unbelievable: I like totally forgot how to write with a pen.Got my boy a mitt. He has no clue what it's for.
I left oxygen bottles and trash on Mount Everest.
I shall eat red meat until they quit making it.
Yes, I know it's strange, but we're vacationing in Pakistan.
74% of 1/3 of the nation use statistics 27% of the time.
If I ever see a mushroom cloud, the diet's over.
Caution: vehicle loaded with snakes.
I miss Bush.
Help cool the Globe: stop pontificating.
Get into binge thinking.
I gave The Queen
a bear hug.
I sneak onto golf courses with a push mower.
Sorry about running into you. Sue my cell phone.
I only grow marijuana to make rope.
Just remember: I ALWAYS
have the right of way.
I rescued a dog and it rescued me.
Who needs a job when you've got 12 games to watch in HD?
I meditate with my dogs.
Recycle your bills: send 'em to Geithner.
I try only to drive in reverse.
Color me homeless.
Defeat Global Warming: fight for your right to consume.
The sky really is
They sure don't make 'em like they used to: China does.
Please don't ask me for a match because I'll be forced to reply, "Your breath and a..."
Sit on a swizzle stick and spin, Elroy.
No, I do not have the munchies. I always eat 14 donuts at a time.
Anyone need a black eye?
My Little Leaguer broke your windshield.
Mediocrity is the study of meteors, right?
Strap on a bikini, pop a cold one, and think what might have been.
I'm hunkered down waitin' for my personal bailout.
I traded our 5 cars for 5 bitchen mountain bikes.
Honk if you're broke.Hope springs nocturnal.COAL SUCKS.
I find my best sleep comes at work.
I bit off more than I can eschew.
It's a slippery slope of a world we live in. May I suggest cleats?
The more crap you own, the better a person you are.
You know, money isn't everything. It's not God. Or, is it? Maybe it is!
Visualize Earth as it was in the good ol' days: without humans.
I mean, like, how many species do we really need anyway?
I've had it up to here with the environment. Can we please change the subject?
Leave only footprints. Just not on my forehead.
I no longer eat meat, just mutton.
I got a steal on this humongous SUV and free gas for week!
Yeah, there's a pill for that.
Follow me down the Yellow Brick road to the Neocon Graveyard.
I look like hell and can't sing. Do I have a chance at stardom?
I do not get high. I mainly get low.
I drink beer solely for the cans.
Don't tell anybody, but I just flung my credit cards into The Grand Canyon.
Good luck with that, Eunice.
Now accepting monetary donations.
Life's a scam.
Playing tennis with a golf ball: bad idea.
If God wanted me to sleep, I would've been born asleep.
Multitaskers make lousy lovers.
Have you skidded to a stop lately?
My bank account is on the Endangered Species List.
Got any spare gold bullion?
Snorklers have reef madness.
I've got flatulence and I'm not afraid to use it.
New reality show idea: "Binging With The Stars"
To hell, with 'punctuation";
Just say no to hedge funds.
I collect insect wings....from my cold dead roach clip.
Can't a guy get a little nose tattoo without being ridiculed?
Don't worry 'bout me, I always look like death warmed over.
When I get cash from my bank, I take it in singles.
Can't stop getting married? Phone the Nuptialholics Hotline
It finally happened: the dog really did
eat my homework!
Lost your house? Ask the doctor about "Foreclozapine."
I don't smoke pot because it's illegal. I get drunk and violent instead.
Got Erectile Dysfunction? Me, either.
Ban talking baby commercials.
If I appear to be staring at you, please look the other way.
Decriminalize caffeine. Oh, it already is?
I will relocate your car for free.
Make love, not casseroles.
I actually live in a glass house, yet I throw stones anyway.
Live in the present moment. Then, ditch the motha' for a happier time.
I meditate once a month.
Please don't mistake my aggressive driving for not caring.
I worry for a living.Cleavage Investigator
I'll exercise when someone pays me for it.
Only wear fur where it's not visable. There are lots of options.
I recycle my thoughts.
Times are so tough, we planted a garden, but the damn money just won't come up.
I've turned my home into a thrift store. Need anything?
The dog ate my Viagra. God, it's been a long week.
I'm not bored. I always wrap my house in duct tape.
All we have to fear is foreclosure itself.
I don't smoke it, but legalize it anyway.
If you can read this, you're one step ahead of me.
I've got my puppy paper-trained: he will never go where there's paper.
At least I drive my SUV with a bike on the back.
I just coughed up my wedding ring!Snack Food Vendors for Legalizing MarijuanaPeople for the Ethical Treatment of Locusts
I just got a great deal on homeowner's asteroid insurance.
Why don't motorcycles have seat belts?
I can't leave the house in case the Prize Patrol comes.
I love to do Sudoku puzzles and drive.
Which one of you hid my keys?If the sea level rises, you won't have to go so far to surf.Global Warming Advocate
Don't fear guns. Just wear a Kevlar vest whenever you go out.
The plight of the polar bear might be ours
Baby, I'm shovel-ready.
Wanna swap portfolios?
Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right. Just not this century.
Good news! I just found 7 cents in the backyard!
How can I be so broke yet so danged fat?
Thank God I stockpiled a couple a' years worth a' candy.
Okay, so I own a Hummer. It's still fun to look at.
The ultimate insult: somebody stole my antidepressants.
I just attended the funeral for my 401 (k).
I love genetically altered foods. The human mutation possibilites are endless!
Take a deep breath and count to ten. Then
smash the coffee cup.
I have finally let go of all my resentments. Now I have nothing.
Will work for puppies.
Weather is stupid.
Have as many kids as you can. The food stamps are unbelievable.
The dogs were firmly in control as they waited for their 14th treat.
We've got the know-how, but do we have the "will-how?"
I finally laid down the law to the Shih Tzus: "Clean your rooms!"
Though I drive and text, I never
chew gum while doing it.
I smoke cigars at gas stations.
Evolution is for the birds.
Onward and downward.
Things are so bad, I actually considered eating brussel sprouts.
Good news: I don't have to order checks nearly as often.
I drive a "signaling optional" vehicle.
Hope has left the building.
I just got some disturbing news: Saudi Arabia also owns the Sun and the Wind.
Even Satan lost his ass in the Stock Market.
I do not spoil my dogs. Doesn't every Shih Tzu get an allowance?
I sure wish everyday life was in HD. Oh, it already is?
Sure, I'll pay more for organic produce. Mind if I smoke?
What? You want to break up cuz I wash and reuse my dental floss?
Though the last thing I need is another dog, I'll take them both.
The equestrian's salutation: "Have a nice neigh."
Need extra cash? Roll a politician.
My new home has four wheels.
If I can find a good-paying job and work 80-hours-a-week,
I've got a chance to pay off one of my credit cards before I hit 90.
Those aren't hickeys on my neck. They're "vampire nibbles."Subprime Hostage
I drive a Chevy Extinct
Credit strategy: charge your cards to the max and wait for the companies to go broke.I will not take know for an answer.
The economy's fallen and it can't get up.I accept both types of spam: canned and emailed
Proud Member MWTBB: Men Who Take Bubble Baths
Inexplicably, my credit cards have melted.
Welcome to Broketown, USA: pop. 275,000,000
Just live frugally. (Yeah, right.)
It's a hellhole out there, Trudy.
I like to call doctors' offices and ask if THEY'D mind
Sure I have seat belts in my trunk, but don't let that
GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS: "We bet you can quit gambling."
I suffer from PMS: Playoff Mood Swings
Has anyone seen my checkbook balance?
I'm warred out.
Morally bankrupt and proud.
Driver carries no illicit drugs.
Pick one: ___Shit ___Go Blind
A tough sentence is handed down in Recycle Court:
"Surrender your cans!"
Thee ultimate compliment: "She's a Cloner!"
If an ATM appears in the forest, will the animals use it?
The IRS uses tax-sniffing dogs.
What if we only ate healthy foods and took junk food
If we outlaw guns, what about the ensuing population
It's been a tipped-outhouse kind of day.
WARNING: car dumps fuel when stolen.
All paths to joy, success and happiness pass through
OK, I wear fur, BUT only from animals I've personally
Thank God for Spell Chack.
Car thieves: you're not just stealing my car. You're
stealing my HOME.
Fill your swimming pool with gas.
An illegal immigrant stole my $5-an-hour custodial job.
If you give tax cuts to the poor, they'll get uppity.
Pray for Gas
Spay and Neuter Your Fish
COUNT HACKULA: sucking the blood out of cyberspace.
The problem with George W. Bush is that the little head
does all the thinkin'. It's the one on his shoulders.
I will give up my SUV when they pry it from my cold dead
I accept suspicious packages from strangers at airports.
I'm suing my company for providing the computer that got
Spray Prozac over the Middle East.
True moderation is using deodorant under one arm.
PEACE in the Middle East will coincide with the end of
death & taxes.
I discriminate against bigots.
The FBI had more credibility when that guy in the dress
was in charge.
I owe my third eye to genetically altered corn.
Use terrorists for product testing
I'm cloned, therefore I was.
I juth love my new tongue thtud
Good news for the sleep-deprived: insomniacs never die in
The Religious Right is fundamentally wrong.
My other car is a thumb.
Leave only bombprints...
Pray for the separation of Church and State
There's more to life than Nature.
I trust the Government as far as I can throw it.
I'm a Right-to-Quality Lifer
The Bush problem-solving construct: solutions don't solve
problems. Problems do.
"Pissimist": a person practicing the most extreme form of pessimism.
I may be destitute, but at least my cholesterol's good.It's great to have a Flag worth flyin' again.
The best investment I've made in years was voting for Obama.
The Stock Market is thee
I just planted a gorgeous new lawn. If only I could afford to water it.Proud Member of the Endangered Species ListBe
I've been diagnosed with creditcardosis.Glory Glory Hallefrickinglujah!The Bushocaust: Never Again!
Driver considering wearing Flag pin.
Mind if I cram my religion down your throat?
I have a tattoo on my tongue.Recreational Viagra user
Hey Weegee, I'm bored.
Who stole my mink?Obama/Biden 2012
My 401 K is now a 401 G: Gone.
I don't recycle, but I do drive a hybrid.
Would you mind buying me breakfast?
Let's TP somebody's house.
My ancient ancestors had pet dinosaurs.
Oil discovered on Mars!
Our lake isn't polluted. It's chemically challenged.
What happened in Vegas didn't stay there, damnit.
To make me think I have more money, I only use coins.
We will celebrate Christmas when we can afford it!
My family lives off Sam's Club samples.I'm with Republican -->God-fearing Atheist
Would you mind turning your boom box up a little more so I can damage my ears?
We have strictly trained our dogs to do whatever they please.
I just traded my house for groceries.
Click your heels together two times and say: "We're not in another Great Depression."
My bank is suddenly having tons of bake sales.
We'll get through this. Just not in our lifetime.
Whatever you do, stay clam.
Things are so bad, even the pets are panhandling.
Thank God for high gas prices. I don't have to visit the relatives anymore.
I fish for compliments.
Hold on for dear life. Pray. Drink.
Unfortunately, my love life's right in line with the Dow.
I now invest all my money at a craps table.
Don't fret: no matter how bad things are now, it'll all be a distant memory in 50 years.I tried my cat's litter box. Not bad!
Mind if I get drunk and hit on your girlfriend?International Brotherhood of Dumpster Divers Local 308Unemployed, uninsured, uninspired.
I brake for pleasure.
I drive this obscene behemoth because I have an equally obscene trust fund.Grenade enthusiast
Is your car trying to mate with mine? Back the hell off.
When the going gets tough, the tough have more children.
Thank God for beans and rice.
Bankrupt and proud.
Good news: I hadn't really planned on visiting the Arctic anyway.
Bail me out, Scotty.
I'll have the Foreclosure Value Meal,
No worries. We're screwed.
I'll drive my car until it runs out of gas. Then, I will
calmly walk away.
Don't ban Gay marriage. Ban ALL marriage.
Save for retirement? Hell, I'm savin' for GAS!
"Come visit before we melt."
It's finally happened: Wal*Crosoft
Thou Shalt Not Cross the Religious Right
The real reason Bush is against abortion: it compromises
Lonesome call of the Yiddish cowboy: "Yippee-Yi-Yo-Ki-Yay-Oy-Vey!"
How Now Mad Cow
Draft beer, not kids.
SUV: Suddenly Undesirable Vehicle
Need a job? Move to India.
SUPERSIZE = SUPERTHIGHS
The new one-armed bandit is the gas pump.
It's so weird. I actually read a book.
Has anyone seen The Middle Class lately?
I get buff with BarryBondsterone®
"shitistics": faulty or purposely misleading stats
compiled by a "shitistician."
Luckily, I like a little extra mercury with my air.
I drive a Global Warmer
Heck yeah, I feel sssssafer!
Peace is truly hard work. Arrogance is not.
The Patriot Act: making us safer from
My President went to Iraq and all I got was this lousy
Iraq: great investment.
I drink biodiesel
My God kicks your God's ass.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's country.
I'm a Rocket Scientologist
United States Freedom Spreader
I share the road with right-wing dipshits.
Have a nice dump.
Satan had a son and named him Karl Rove.
Will drink beer for food.
The ill-prepared grasshopper should just eat the ant.
My child made the honor role at Video Game Magnet
HOMEBUILDERS for Environmental Sanity: "You can't build a house out of
Gas-saving tip#9: always try to drive downhill.
The dyslexic version: Hit Shappens.
Iraq: The Star-Spangled Bungle
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINE CORPSE.
Fishermen Praise Cod
Evangelicals for Evolution
The world has just come to an end: the first case of "Mad
Beer Disease" is confirmed.
How about injecting
baseballs with steroids?
My health care provider comes in 12-ounce cans.
The ultimate moral dilemma: 10-second firearm trigger
I even brake for religious zealots.
What if we run out of air before we run out of oil?
What Intelligent Entity would knowingly design a George W.
Cram your agenda up your rearenda
Rock, paper, scissors. Constitution, Bible, politicians.
(Headloon) Missed "high five" sends man
(Headloon) Researchers Research Research
(Headloon) Golfer's perfect 18 questioned
(Headloon) Leprechaun reports Lock Ness
ASTEROIDS: the best-ever excuse not to diet.
Teach your pets ABSTINENCE
"NEVER HAPPEN LIST": Middle East Peace. Zero Card Balance.
Man, I hope there's no such thing as second-hand
The ultimate bravado: smoking lard-dipped cigarettes
Do unto others as you would have them do unto your pets
I HATE TRAFFIC...even though I'm creating it.
A little ignorance goes a long weigh.
Women are from Venus. Men don't care.
I'm just an oxymoron searching for meaning.
It's not always just about the money. It's about rare gems
& real estate.
Take time to stop and smell the websites.
"Decycling": buying goods solely to throw them away.
I don't wear a seat belt, but I DO wear sunscreen.
If it's broke, still don't fix it.
(Headloon) Court forces gynecologist to
accept male patients
(Headloon) TERRORISTS HIJACKED!
We're just not on the same lavewength
I require pie.
My water broke!
The only people who can truly change the Government
are corrupted by it.
Who you callin' "dung breath?!"
Where's this month's stimulus check?!
TGIF: Thank God It's Football!
Asked the doc for a pill to lose weight. The bastard said it's called "exercise."
Wrecked the car, but not before I nailed that damn fly.
I moved to India with my job.
Pull over and let me tell you about this really bizarre dream I had.
I'd rather be my dog.
I have decided to make money the old-fashioned way: print it.
Try the first-ever political pesticide: Neocon-Be-Gone!®
I can't wait till I retire so I can desperately look for another job.
Harley riders are responsible for "Global Noising."
Proudly doing my part to keep Big Oil and the credit card industry afloat.
Hackmore Knife Emporium
I only gamble at nonprofit casinos.
I blew out my knee playing fantasy football
So much BS, so few shovels.
Eat More Yucky Health Food
Got any spare gold bullion?
Thank you for not hemorrhaging.
Shut up and text.
Driver not responsible for staring at totally bitchen women.
In my book, being late to work is Freedom of Speech.
I suffer from "Munchies-permanento"
That's Mister Dumbass to you.
Nothing beats having a sharp memorie.
I always know where my keys are: they're hanging from my nipple ring.
My daughter just married an idiot.
Sure, I've got change for a thousand.
When life gives you lemons, make coleslaw.
Guiness World Records Title Holder: "Calories Consumed In One Day."
The wail of Reincarnationists: "Do-overs!"
Has anyone seen Doyle Cornhaven?
People Of a Religious Nature
I'm beginning the "Eat Only Live Insects Diet" today. Wish me luck.
Will somebody please give me an interest-free loan? How 'bout a hickey?
"The eyes of Taxes are upon you..."
Good news!!! Good news!!! Gas is only $3.70 a gallon!!!
My life's running like wockclork.
Hock jewelry, not loogies.
Touch my car and you'll always have to wonder: "Did he coat it with Plutonium?"
If you can see the tattoo on my left butt cheek,
thank an optometrist.
I brake for brainstorms.
I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.
Spray-painter's lament: "How on Earth did I forget to mask the windows?"
Plus-Sized and Proud
I have a severely swollen widget.
I'll trade you my lava lamp for a hootenanny record.
Former Really Successful Person
No one takes me serusly.
Driver does not look suspicious.
I'll use sunscreen when they put it in a pill.
I long for the 50's when it was safe to tan, eat anything you wanted, and smoke to your heart's content.
Anybody see the pin to my grena
Be the change you want to see in others. (just don't become a Republican)
Oh, there's a recession going on? I just thought I'd been robbed.
I don't know whether to go online or smoke crack.
Really Spiritual Saying
I have the checks. Now, all I need is the money.
Solve my financial woes: steal this car. Thank you.
Caution: hitchhiker riding in trunk.
Born to sit and watch sports
Talkin' smack at a chess tournament: "Checkmate, you fornicator!"
I was attacked by leprechauns at an Irish pub.
Lloyd barked out commands. That's what dogs do.
Collect cans, not can'ts.
Being broke has its advantages. Let me get back to you on that.
I only eat slow food.
Ever the mathematician, Grossbeck put 2 and 2 together and got 3.9998.
Cranmire lost control at the buffet and had to be wheeled out.
Please refrain from gutting animals in my presence.
I check my tire pressure hourly.
If you live in a really polluted city, just breathe out, never in.
The Recession Blues: "My money left me, 'bout the break a' day..."
I love squishy women.
Please pass the fried grubs.
Abolish The Constitution.
(Oh, it already is?)
Smack OPEC: don't check or change your oil.
I'll vote on one of two conditions: when it counts, or when I get paid for it.
I went on a cruise and gained 25 pounds.
I've got a flamethrower and I'm not afraid to use it.
Bored baby on board.
Have you hugged your debt today?
Text messagers make better lovers, but lousier drivers.
Clod tip: wear face protection around rakes.
The best way to stay in shape: eat only while jogging.
Fight for your right to keep and bear oil.
Help, I've got a mustache hair caught in my cell phone!
Bad news: the price of gas sucks. Good news: the price of an SUV rocks.
"Failure, insurmountable debt, doom & BEER" kept running through Kip's mind. And, rightfully so.
Don't freak out, but there's a chimp on your rear window.
I paused to watch the clouds until they turned unmistakably into the shape of...clouds.
1 acid trip too many.
As a smoker, I am offended at having to inhale your second-hand breath.
I found a needle in a haystack!!! I found a needle in a haystack!!!
My wind generator caught air and hasn't been seen since.
Great idea: sell your blood to buy lottery tickets!
I am soooooooo happy and ecstatic, people are vomiting all around me.
Gas-Saving Tip #2: push chewed gum into ignition switch.
I've been married 6 times. Interested?
It's the stupid, economy.
I'm a big believer in selling one's soul for money.
Von never learned from his many cats: curiosity killed him.
On the surface, I'm a deep thinker.
I actually have photographs of my ancestors walking with dinosaurs.
I collect diets.
Not on my parade you won't!
I have finally found the true meaning of life. Now, to find a good patent attorney.
Whenever I get caught staring at a woman's breasts,
I politely inform her there's a spider in her cleavage. (Thanks, Chas.)
The most utilized item in the known Universe: a dog's nose.
I sleep twice a week.
Hey Bub, you're following way too close, just the way I like it.
Good God, Gilbert, you're sitting on my PEZ dispenser!
I always enjoy a good strip search.
Sid knew he shouldn't have screamed "You're the BOMB!" to impress Heidi at the airport.
Mind if I signal?
I live and die over the hardships celebrities face.
Tommy, for the last time, quit teasing the pythons!
What ISN'T a conspiracy?
I sneak rodents onto airplanes.
Energy-saving mistake #57: never install solar panels on your ceilings.
I do not own guns. I own grenades.
The Rottweiler got into my E.D. pills. Not pretty.
I survived Polygamy Camp
Cheeses of Nazareth Deli ®
I blame therefore I am
The doc says I have terminal nostalgia.
As a devout contrarian, I drive to visit my next-door neighbor.
To save energy, I push my gas mower around the yard without starting the engine.
Here's my winning casino strategy: give the cashier a $100 donation and then don't gamble.
Twinkies: most underrated meal in history.
Priorities: I look at gorgeous women first, the road second.
I had to quit meditating: too stressful.
If a forest falls, will anyone hear it?
People for the Ethical Treatment of Sewage
I'd rather be texting.
Visualize me in tights.
You busy tonight?
Vehicle is coasting.
My GPS led me straight to hell.
Drought landscaping tip #4: you never have to water concrete.
I'v gon the hole day witout cofee
Oxymoron of all time: "honest politician"
I refuse to recycle until gas is under $2 a gallon.
Someone broke in and stole my remote. Luckily, that was the only thing missing.
Did you leave the emergency brake on? What about the iron?
One-dimensional and proud.
Eureka: I can sharpen a pencil with my teeth!
Tragically, Mildred wore her thong outside her booty shorts.
Two things I will never do: vote Republican; floss.
If I can just live to 124, my cards'll be paid off.
I sell skeleton keys for locking gas caps.
I unapologetically shoot for mass grams of fat.
Hey brother, can you spare a dime (adjusted for inflation, that's $1.28)?
Flora was sick to death of all the "fauna" jokes.
Just think, gas could be $18 a gallon. Does that help?
I must've accidentally visualized being broke.
We're all only 1 step away from a 5th credit card
We need some new States.
Quintuple divorcee looking for number 6.
Whine, complain, blame: it increases your metabolism.
Hospitals love daredevils.
I charge hitchhikers for rides.
The iquana picks my lottery numbers.
Practical joke #3041: add Viagra to the office coffee pot.
I ran with the bulls. Now I walk with the chickens.
I take pictures of the paparazzi.
I seen a UFO.
Drove for 2 straight miles without talking on my cell phone. Booooorrrrrrrinnnnng.
Holy roller skater.
Gas costs nothing if you quit driving.
I somehow rototilled the cat.
Can't see the forest for the trees? Cut 'em all down.
I'm leaving my fortune to the parakeet.
In a fog, Fenster actually went to work in his underwear.
I moonlight as a panhandler.
Despite knowing he was going to church, Ernest ate the bowl of beans anyway.
Credit cards should weigh 10 pounds and be carried around your neck.
I got mine at GAS SIPHONER'S DEPOT!
I accidentally sheetrocked the dog into a wall. He was such a good boy.
Obscene greed and righteous arrogance: works for me.
Larry winced as he saw Lucinda riding in Dirk's Porsche topless.
I shingled my roof with duct tape. Not good.
I'd rather be trippin'
May you be very sexsexful.
Have you hugged your Flag pin today?
Will work of exorbitant wages.
Oblivious and proud.
Who gives a damn if there's life on other planets? IS THERE OIL?!
Mind if I siphon your gas?
Just say NO to inspirational sayings.
How did I know liposuction would shrink the wrong thing?
Has it ever occurred to you that we might have
too many trees?
Who's dyin' for whose sins?
Demand free gas. (What the hell?)
Got any good lottery numbers?
Herbstober knew a 6th computer was a bad idea.
Cathcart glowed upon receiving his traffic school diploma.
I telemarketers and junk mail.
Ice cream cone to the forehead.
I've been losin' a lotta sleep over celebrities' problems.
I will pay you handsomely to take my SUV.
Don't mistake my kindness. I want some in return.
Anyone got raw nerve endings?
I save more than I spend. Compost, that is.
I Big Oil.
Nordell never saw the paradigm shift coming.
I feel about as safe as a dog in heat.
My vacations now consist of going to the store and back.
Mommy, why do we always have to walk everywhere?
Start Raving Normal
I am my ex-wife's meal ticket.
The buck stops way over there.
I rescue dogs and breed 'em.
Charlotte had no idea her left breast escaped its cup...or did she?
I speak French because I Cannes.
Too bad ya can't catch a buzz off air pollution.
Dogs get it.
Why isn't anyone named Myrtle or Hobart anymore?
The more fiber I eat, the more reading I get done.
Build it and they will laugh at it.
Quit toying with my mynde.
Stop worrying, it CAN get worse.
Even though the economy sucks, at least the price of gas
is going up.
I earned my doctorate studying chocolate, thus it's
Will work for gigs of RAM
Yeah, there's a pill for that.
Ready, set, vegetate.
Peace is overrated.
Please join me in suing the Government.
Really weird idea: get an empty plastic bottle and fill it with tap water.
Ever had a crayon omelette?
Missing the whole point of going to a strip club, Ned took off his clothes.
I walk under ladders holding black cats.
Luckily, I planned ahead for lean times: got me a storage shed plump full a' candy.
I am officially no longer an optimist.
Oh, to be 80 again.
I just took a paradigm shit.
NASCAR: the ultimate reason to waste gas.
Sex, drugs and sex n' drugs.
Murchison hoped against hope no one would see him rearranging the library shelves and card catalog.
"Comfortable" and "bike seat" go together like "compassionate" and "conservatism."
I like the pot calling the kettle green.
Damn straight I'm gay.
Apparently, vitamins are the only universal health care we'll ever see.
I can't wait till we win the War on Terror. How many innings is it?
Vegetarian sexual harrassment: "Nice rutabagas!"
Have you had your high fructose corn syrup today?
I knit. And, I hate it.
Take it to the next level: eat compost.
Just say no to cliches.
I strained my andromeda.
I chase dreams for exercise.
Honk if you believe in noise.
I practice dodging meteorites.
Save time: meditate while you drive.
We don't need leaders with peace of mind. We need leaders with minds for peace.
Let it be known: I have absolutely no problem with scantily-clad women.
I like to yodel in libraries.
I have a tattoo on my nose.
Don't overlook the obviouus.
Try visualizing a positive checkbook balance. (I couldn't do it, either.)
Whatever happened to pogo sticks?
I've forgotton how to buy things with cash.
In case of catastrophe, count to 10, then freak out.
Dang-it: nothing happened to me in Vegas that needed to stay there.
I can't even lead a horse to water, let alone make him drink.
I collect lozenges.
If you don't have 4 dogs, you ain't livin'.
Being a vegetarian helps me pick up chicks.
A tattoo artist's worst nightmare: misspelligs
Man, I'd love to be an ape: all the bananas you can eat, plus it's cool to fling poo at everybody.
My baby done left me. Thank God I'm a polygamist.
Have faith: we're screwed.
Any drugs found in this vehicle are my ex-roomate's.
Just remember: without nerds, there wouldn't be any geeks.
I've read the Bible zero times.
A Wind is a Terrible Thing to Maste
My city ran out of water. That's why I'm moving to yours.
The Govenment wouldn't allow junk food if it wasn't good for you.
Waiter, there's a terrorist in my soup!
Sorry I cut you off. It's been a bad decade.
Passport for rent. Inquire within.
Is Jesus's middle initial really "H"?
Intergalactic Realty Specialist
When in doubt, doubt.
I super-glued my navel shut. Big mistake.
I love the sound of a rubber glove snapping in the morning.
America: Built for Greed
May I buy you a drunk?
Don't call me fat. Call me abundant.
I wear bandaids for no reason.
I catch and release deer.
Oil is truly the opiate of the gases
Since when isn't chocolate a meal?
I don't go to church. I go to poker.
Freedom was so cool, wasn't it?
I can't see the forest for the chainsaws
Itches are God's way of testing how far you'll go to scratch in public
I've got to race like a peehorse!
Stairway to Leaven Bakery
I've finally got my dogs using the toilet, but I'll be damned if I can get 'em to flush.
The Chili Association of America: "No Mild Left Behind"
Have you ever considered a comb-over?
Anyone need a kitten?
My favorite recipe: beer.
I play Tortilla Golf
That's the last dog I teach to drive!
Isn't there some way we can tax the Government?
I blame environmental toxins for all my poor decisions.
There's a mathod to my medness.
I prefer the Caste System.
Save gas: check your tire pressure hourly.
I stalk corn.
I may be mired in debt, but at least I have a really low-paying job.
My other car is your car!
Driver is allergic to arrogant bastards
Hey, at least I walk to my car.
Pardon my drooling.
I got a triple-digit IQ: 87.4
Jaked as a Naybird
My life has become a constant wedgie.
Will play video games for food.
For Creationists, global warming isn't the problem. It's the solution.
My child made the honor roll at our homeskule.
China: powered by Wal*Mart
Fat the Whuck?
I bitch for exercise.
We need a National Day of Disgrace
Shoot your scale.
I don't think the CIA's all that intelligent.
Mind if I cut you off?
Notice: driver never carries more than $250,000
I converted my car to run on hype.
Dogs are God's way of reminding us that we have absolutely no control over anything.
AMERICA: No Face Left to Save
Another day, another doohickey
Drop trou, not bombs
Pray for obscene wealth
Paper cut survivor
I'm with Ned.
There may not be life on other planets, but you know there's a Starbucks.
I gave this poor guy a fish. He devoured it. Then, he asked me to teach him how to fish. I declined.
We got married at a Circle K. It was convenient.
My name is Jimmy Crackcorn, and I really don't care.
"Crooked Politician": isn't that redundant?
Do skunks think WE stink?
What's the altitude of Heaven?
Driver is lactating.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
What if an Okie from Muskogee met a Gypsy from Poughkeepsie?
Feel free to use my lottery numbers: 2, 11, 16, 25, 33 & 47.
Obnoxiously wealthy oil executives have feelings, too.
Zit, nit and guitar picker.
Don't Drink and Derive
Defeat the IRS: don't earn any money.
God, I hope it's not gingivitis!
I carry a concealed weapon: my mind.
What if quail had shotguns?
Brotherhood of Panhandlers Local #715
9 teeth and proud.
Remember: Endangered Species can't be endangered if they're extinct.
My Bible is THE CONSTITUTION
Burgess, why must you ream your nostrils in public?
You could use a face transplant.
If God had wanted us to breathe clean air, He wouldn't have given us the automobile.
I meant to work out, but decided to have a meal instead.
Caution: driver has agitated cat on head.
Everything's porn, porn, porn, sex, sex, sex. Is the Internet great or what?!
My arteries may be clogged, but it sure was fun getting there.
I put my faith in Gawd.
Don't mess with me. I'm a fugitive.
Eclairvoyants sense dessert
Have you seen my chuckwalla?
Liberate the Constitution!
Shoes and bicycles are the ultimate forms of alternative energy.
I actually use my glove compartment JUST to store gloves.
My taxes invade other countries.
Candace, please pass the tripe.
Pave the World
Divide and Con quer
Welp, it finally happened: casinos outnumber libraries.
My blank has gone mind.
47-year-old baby on board.
Living in the there and then sure beats living in
the here and now.
I only date women who love to shop.
Dear hitchhikers: feel free to hop in the trunk.
If only we were as rich as our leaders are corrupt...
Just had my colonoscopy!
Proud Card-Carrying Heathen
Mind if I gnash my teeth?
I bought my husband on eBay Marriages
I was a doormat for the bulls in Pamplona.
Have a bitchen day
Republicans are "Corruptlicans"
Driver is not drunk, just disillusioned.
If I'd a' wanted a fascist
government, I'd a' moved to
I thought a "chimichanga" was something you put a leash
Snake Oil Salesman
Pray for the Separation of Church and State
I think my philately is stuck in your numismatics.
Things are not as they seam.
Bush: 0-for-1 in wars, 0-for-FOREVER in everything else.
I'm suing the Food Network for making me fat.
Architects create intelligent
Don't be in such a hurr
I got a great 90-year mortgage!
Driver only carries credit cards.
Of the crooks, By the crooks, For the crooks...
If you're so against abortion, why aren't you adopting?
Bare ass to the White House
Mind if I hock a loogie?
I say it's high time for a panty raid!
Bist on a Chricycle
What if P. Diddy changed his first name to "Absur"?
I crammed corn into my gas tank and all I got was popcorn.
My mind is a bed, and you're in it.
When in doubt, shoot. It works for Cheney.
KEEP illegal aliens. EXILE illegal politicians.
Bring back second-hand smoke.
I'd take a hickey over a tattoo any day.
How's my swerving?
Debt is the opiate of the masses.
Imagine my fingernails on your chalkboard.
Coming to a bookstore near you: "American Colonoscopy:
The Bush Years"
Moonshiners Local #308
I need my mood altered.
I'm retired. My new career is gaining weight.
Walk stickly and carry a big soft.
My cup runneth over with Rove.
Keith Richards is my Personal Savior
Peace, Love & Nuclear Weapons
Expect the Unexpucted
I'm opening a chain of slow food restaurants.
Call me crazy, but I like being illegally spied upon.
I bowl in nothing but a thong.
What about "The Founding Mothers?"
I hunt hummingbirds with a blowgun.
I love taking pictures of cameras.
Have hammer. Will nail.
Why don't they offer Lipitor as a pizza topping?
I may not be Gay, but I respect 'em.
One Good Another Deserves a Turn
Plant more trees. Cut 'em down.
Conserve rational thinking.
I don't know if I'm an agnostic or not.
Lobbyists are just like cockroaches, only less useful.
Build it and they will corrupt it.
Covert CIA Operative
Forgive my driving, but I have 5 pets in the car.
Those who can, play hockey. Those who can't, play soccer.
I'd rather be running naked through the White House.
Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone
Powerless and Proud
Internal Revenue Satan
My music's louder than your horn.
Only two things are certain: debt & taxes.
ReinCarnation Ice Cream
It's odd, but watching DVD's makes me miss rewinding
It occurs to me that the man behind the Nobel Peace Prize
Remember when driving was the main thing you did in a car?
Billionaires for Tax Reform
Time to head back to Walden Pond
Why cure cancer when you can annihilate another country
My Holy Book is THE CONSTITUTION.
I believe in Bush, Cheney, Rove, Wolfowitz and the Tooth
WMD = We Mean Democracy
Iraq: "The Passion of the Bush"
Heck yeah, I feel safer...........on vodka.
Formerly Proud American
Freedom is fueled and sustained by PEACE, damnit.
Take Me to Your Liter.
My other car is out of gas.
A Wind is a Terrible Thing to Maste
Psychic in Training: I sense you are behind me.
The Department of Civil Liberty Abatement
Yes Virginia, we
are permanently screwed.
I'll start saving for retirement when
you lose some weight.
God, all that war and
still no oil?
Baghdead + Baghdebt = Baghdamned
I vote for extinction.
Make Love AND War
See me about Hostage Insurance.
What good are bombs if you don't use them?
Burp for Peace
Do chickens think everything tastes just like them?
If Oprah married Deepak, she'd become Oprah Chopra.
PEACE is boring.
I can't see the forest for the beers.
If democracy falls in the middle of a desert, will anyone
Pretty soon you'll only be able to smoke while
Top o' the Global Warmin' Mornin' to ya.
The Patriot Act doesn't bother me. We've got too many
freedoms as it is.
Who needs Social Security when you've got homeless
shelters and food banks?
I liked it much better when Bush just terrorized ONE
WARNING: eating too much fish may turn you into a
If WOMEN were the leaders, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY WAR.
Sure glad we didn't waste a trillion dollars on peace,
love and understanding.
Only dopes don't vote. Or, they vote Republican.
How to get even with illegal immigrants: sneak into THEIR
PEACE is for WIMPS
What's the big deal about the ENVIRONMENT, anyway? We OWN
What if GOD is on EVERYBODY'S side?
Air pollution is no big deal if you only take shallow
George W. Bush: The Evangillogical President
How can you be both Pro-Life
Dick Cheney: a wolf in shark's clothing.
Where do I apply for The Revolution?
I'm chober as a surch mouse.
When in More, do as the Morons do.
Have a Fearful Day
Thanks for the tax cut, Mr. President. I got a new
Iraq is NOT about the oil. And, hurricanes AREN'T about
Here's a copy of my health insurance policy: "Hope my
family stays well."
Just say "NO" to embryonic stem cell research, and "YES"
to Parkinson's & Alzheimer's.
Iraq: "The Democratic Jewel of the Middle East"
I have a pit bull AND a pet bull.
My bicycle gets killer mileage.
Since when did The Ten Commandments replace The Bill of
Pay pro athletes what teachers make; pay teachers what pro
Dubya, swagger on back to Crawford and brand some animals.
Say it right: NUKE-YOU-LER
Driver carries large bills and an even larger Taser.
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