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The Terse Movie
Reviewer
My Humorous Movie Reviews: When You Don't Have Time to Read the Best.... |
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New "Gibby" Rating System! New "Gibby" Rating System! New "Gibby" Rating System!
~ 5 Gibbys = Highest Rating, down to 1 Gibby = Lowest Rating ~
 "Gibby": the Glorious Movie-Reviewing Shih Tzu! Yes, he attends all reviewed movies.
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Listed in order of Key Grip's last name:
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124. THE DARK KNIGHT ~
The reason you go to movies. Talk about forgetting you have a cell phone,
a computer, bills, deadlines, stress, a goiter...
Rating = 5 Gibbys.
123. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL ~
Lotta' weird stuff, lotta' action, lotta' noise, lotta' surprises, lotta' commotion , lotta' hit movie.
Rating = 4 Gibbys.
122. FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL ~ Exact same thing happened to me. Rocker "Aldous Snow" is a dead ringer for a young George Harrison. Rating = 4 1/2 Gibbys.
121. 21 ~ Real "blackjacky." Rating = 2 1/2 Gibbys.
120. THERE WILL BE BLOOD ~ Thinly veiled biography of Dick Cheney. Rating = 2 Gibbys.
119. CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR ~ How we helped enable the terrorists to kick Bush's ass.
Not suitable for neocons. Rating = 4 1/2 Gibbys.
118. WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY ~ How can you write a funny review of a movie that was so damn funny already? Rating = 4 1/2 Gibbys.
117. THE MILAGRO BEANFIELD WAR ~ "Shew" and Madeleine loved it, so that's good enough for me. However, it did ruin me for ever using an outhouse again. Rating = 4 Gibbys.
116. A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT ~ I swear to you, the closing credits say "No fish were killed in the filming of this movie" (no joke). That says it all. A young Brad Pitt portrays John-Boy Walton. Rating = 4 1/2 Gibbys.
115. MYSTIC RIVER ~ A couple of unfortunate phone calls made the film even more mystical than it should have been. I got a second-hand hangover watching those guys drink, too. Rating = 4 Gibbys.
114. KNOCKED UP ~ A story line that real-life stoner-schleps can only pipe dream about. It falls somewhere between Love Story and porn. Rating = 4 1/2 Gibbys.
113. FRACTURE ~ It must have been well done because I could actually follow it. Hannibal Lecter gives another stunning performance. Rating = 4 Gibbys.
112. TMNT (TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES) ~ Very entertaining for an animated feature. I am SO hot for April O'Neil. Does she have a real-life counterpart I can contact? Rating = 3 1/2 Gibbys.
111. MUSIC & LYRICS ~ A cutesy little romantic tale about under-the-grand-piano sex. Ivories were tickled, nyuk-nyuk (shout out to The Three Stooges)! Rating = 3 Gibbys.
110. DELIVERANCE ~ Na-na-na-na-na? Na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Rating = 5 Gibbys.
109. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST ~ The autobiography of a young Mel Gibson, tracing his anti-Semitic and Holocaust-denying roots. Dazzling! Rating = 5 Gibbys.
108. A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION ~ There's a reason this radio show is ON THE RADIO! It shoulda' stayed there. A sad ending to Robert Altman's brilliant career. Rating = 1 Gibby.
107. ZODIAC ~ ݟ ߖ 牟 ߅ 片߇ ߇߅ ݥ. Rating = 5 Gibbys.
106. RENO 911: MIAMI ~ These police officers would make great TSA airport screeners. Rating = 4 Gibbys.
105. BREACH ~ Sorry: review classified. Rating = 4 Gibbys
104. NORBIT ~ The only funny thing about this movie is that I paid real cash money to see it. Rating = 2 Gibbys
103. THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA ~ Bitchy-chick chic. Rating = 3 Gibbys
102. EPIC MOVIE ~ I watched much of it with my eyes closed, leaving me very refreshed. Rating = 1 Gibby
101. THE DEPARTED ~ Blown-out star-studded brains never looked so good. Rating = 5 Gibbys
100. IDIOCRACY ~ Who cares? I made it to a hundred reviews! Rating = 4 Gibbys
99. CHILDREN OF MEN ~ Dark, gloomy, depressing futuristic despairing doom. Luckily, the muddled British brogue helps make it that much more unapproachable. Rating = 2 Gibbys
98. NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM ~ It was, well, just so unrealistic. Everybody knows an Easter Island Head can't chew gum, let alone blow bubbles. Mickey Rooney's a real pissah. Anne Meara, Ben's real-life mom, is a hotty. Rating = 3 Gibbys
The following ratings are based on the old system: the Reverse Alphabetical Movie Rating Scale: Z = Best, A = Worst*
97. PLATOON ~ I fell asleep to the soothing sound of gunfire. My bad. Rating = None
96. THE GOOD SHEPHERD ~ It may have been slow-moving, and nearly impossible to decipher, but at least it was really long. Angelina Jolie's lips practically flopped off the screen. Rating = M
95. CINDERELLA MAN ~ Another boring true tale of the underdog winning. Hey, can't the overdog ever win? Rating = I only saw the last 20 minutes, so I can't rate it. (Trivia: do you know who Max Baer's son is? Why, it's none other than "Jethro" of the Bevery Hillbillies TV series, Max Baer, Jr.) Rating = none
94. DOUBLE INDEMNITY ~ In real life, Edward G. Robinson would've never figured out what Fred McMurray and Barbara Stanwyck were up to. Novel insurance-fraud idea. Rating = Y
93. SUNSET BOULEVARD ~ Surprisingly good movie for how cheap they made it. Why, it's not even in color. Rating = Y
92. BLOOD DIAMOND ~ No hard-hitting socially-conscious political thriller is gonna keep me from buying the little missus a big ol' rock...someday. Rating = X
91. BASIC INSTINCT ~ Sharon Stone takes romantic "ice picks" from her lovers while dispatching them with the real thing. Sharon, cross your legs, doll. Rating = L
90. THE PRESTIGE ~ It was simply magical how much Nikola Tesla resembled David Bowie. Rating = Q
89. BORAT: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan ~ I wish like hell someone had warned me to wear an Ace bandage around my gut. I laughed THAT hard. I REALLY DID! (And, NO, I am NOT a racist or an anti-Semite.) Rating = Z+++
88. TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY ~ Action so real, it seemed fake. I predict a Best-Actor Oscar for Will Ferrell. Rating = L
87. THE DA VINCI CODE ~ Interesting theory that suggests Leonardo Da Vinci was actually Jesus Christ. Rating = V
86. WALK THE LINE ~ The morning after eating viciously hot green chili, June Carter writes "Ring of Fire" making Johnny Cash a star. Rating = T-
85. COMEDIAN ~ This documentary featuring my favorite jokester, Jerry Seinfeld, focuses on just how grueling, angst-filled, and serious kidding is (get it?). Hey, comedians, lighten the F**K up. Rating = M
84. WALLACE & GROMIT ~ THE CURSE OF THE WERE RABBIT-- Eat your heart out, Gumby. This is absolutely the first time I've ever been aroused by a clay leading lady. She was HOT, too, boy. Rating = Z+
83. CAPOTE-- God, I didn't even know Truman Capote was still alive! He really did a great job in this film. Rating = Y
82. BLAZING SADDLES-- The prequel to Brokeback Mountain. Completely fartastic. Rating = Z
81. MADAGASCAR-- An obvious movie-length commercial for the beef industry...and penguins. Rating = S
80. MARIA FULL OF GRACE-- Subtitled. Translating here, I think the title means, Mary Full of Grace. You know, if we ate all our food encased in latex, no one'd be obese. Rating = W
79. BOB DYLAN: NO DIRECTION HOME-- Dylan's youthful voice defines the classic dying cat: a DAMN GOOD dying cat. All dying cats would die to sound this good. "How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll?" Rating = Z++
78. STARSKY & HUTCH-- Fakey. Didn't take itself seriously. Rating = Y
77. THE CONSTANT GARDENER-- Hoe, Hoe, Hoe! Rating = Z * (* Not having seen this movie, I based my rating solely on Ebert's review, a "Terse Movie Reviewer" first.)
***Reminder to self: Be terse, you fool. Do you understand? T - E - R - S - E !!! (Who do you think you are: Stephen King?)
76. SCENT OF A WOMAN-- I had to give up on this one because if Al Pacino's character were REALLY blind, he would have worn some dark glasses like Ray Charles did. You could just tell he was pretending to be blind, able to see all the while. Okay, Al did win an Oscar, but I'm sticking to my theory. And, I don't just throw any old opinion out there. Rating = N
75. JEZEBEL-- This 1938 Southern drama with Bette Davis and Henry Fonda won Ms. Davis an Oscar. But, she didn't get the role of GONE WITH THE WIND'S Scarlet O'Hara soon after. That's probably why she was always so bitchy. Rating = X. On a side note, I honestly have never seen GWTW in its entirety. That's because I always pronounced "WIND" with a long "i" sound like when you "wind" your watch. Thus, it never made any sense to me. Finally, realizing the error of my ways, I still refuse to see it because I believe the title was purposely meant to be misleading from the get-go, a fact that has always rankled me. By the way, are these reviews suddenly getting longer? Drat.
74. THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN-- I've just as good as seen it. Jim'l and Carrot really lilked it. Future Rating = Z. **UPDATE: I have officially seen it now. The best feel-good-to-be-a-really-ancient-virgin movie ever, as long as you can get past the obvious condom industry ploy to get you to use tons of prophylactics. (Oh, it was so obvious.) This film had a truly great climax.
73. WEDDING CRASHERS-- Damn near out the door to see it, I saw a promo for THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN and decided to wait and see that instead. No Rating. **UPDATE: I still haven't seen it, but I really might. **UPDATE: I HAVE SEEN IT! All I gotta say is, "Why didn't I think a' that?!" What a perfect gig. If it weren't for the really hapless Will Ferrell cameo, this movie would have just about hit for the cycle. Rating = Z anyway.
72. RAY-- So riveting, I hit the road after changing my name to Jack. Rating = T for "tRAYmendous"
71. TRAINING DAY-- Denzel is riddled with endless punches and bullets a la Bonnie & Clyde. Maybe this was actually a spoof. Yeah, that would explain the hopelessly crappy OBVIOUS ending. Rating = L for Lou-sy.
70. WAR OF THE WORLDS-- Stars L. Tom Hubbard. Because I believe in psychiatry, I was not allowed into the movie theater. No Rating.
69. DEADWOOD-- Okay, it's not acutally a movie. Just a million times better. BONANZA on steroids AND meth. Rating = Z +
68. STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH-- I would see it, but I'm not. Rating = IT MUST BE GOOD.
67. SIDEWAYS-- TFMN (Total Frontal Male Nudity!!!) with wine as the backdrop. Ending begs for sequel. Rating = Z
66. WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW!?-- Science mixes admirably with spirituality. Honestly spellbinding. Rating = Z
65. THE GUNFIGHTER-- Early glimpse of young Karl Malden's giant bulbous nose. Gregory Peck as Jimmy Ringo. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Rating = V
64. SHALL WE DANCE?-- Why the heck not?! A total "feel-okay" movie. Rating = P
63. BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE-- The NRA (National Republican A-holes) continue making a great case for automatic weapons. Rating = Z+
62. FAHRENHEIT 9/11-- It just doesn't get any better. Buck Fush!!! Rating = Z+
61. A MIGHTY WIND-- This film almost seemed as if it were a spoof. Rating = S
60. PATCH ADAMS-- A giant maple syrup, powdered sugar, ipecac, and high fructose corn syrup cocktail. Rating = J
59. COLD MOUNTAIN-- Bullets, wounds, animal husbandry, romance. Rating = X
58. SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE-- Famous middle-aged stars and their romantically-linked nude buttocks. Rating = V
57. THE APOSTLE-- Holy Moly, keytaba lay kaytana tacki-lo-lulu (a weak attempt at speaking in tongues). Rating = U
56. THE LORD OF THE RINGS (The Fellowship of the Ring)-- Two words: NO SEX.
Plus, little was done to disguise the fact that this is a fantasy. Rating = W
55. VAN WILDER-- My son wouldn't let me watch it with him (he's watching now). So, it must be quite
kickass (if you're 16). It's due back tonight, so I'll never get a chance to see it. No Rating
54. IN THE BEDROOM-- A very feel-bad movie. If you're taking antidepressants, make sure to take one before
watching this movie. If you're not, borrow one. Rating = S
53. MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING-- Baklava is king. Just couldn't help enjoying it despite having really bad gas.
It must be good. Rating = Y
52. BONNIE & CLYDE-- Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway become swiss cheese. Total overkill classic. Rating = Z
51. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY-- "Brett Fav'-ruh." Extra-hold styling mousse, anyone? Rating = W
50. PULP FICTION-- So thoroughly gross, graphic, and violent. Icky, too. Very good. Rating = Z
49. SMOKE SIGNALS-- Actually does much more than pay lip-service to Native Americans, because it's made by and about Native Americans, and stars Native Americans. How novel. Rating = Z
48. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION-- One of thee all-time keepers. As re-watchable as they come. Rating = Z
47. THE LAST CASTLE-- Goes from hokey to okeydokey at the end. Shawshank lite. Rating = Q
46. WHAT LIES BENEATH-- Schlock-thriller. Rating = K
45. EASY RIDER-- One of the worst dates of my life while watching one of the best movies of my life. Rating = Z
44. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW + MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN-- I've never seen either in their entirety, but so many have raved, I have to acknowledge that. Rating = Z
43. WOODY ALLEN MOVIES-- Angst-filled existential showcases. Oh, how downlifting. Rating = B-Z
42. SILVER STREAK-- A sleeper. Has nothing to do with underpants tracks, by the way. Rating = W
41. AUSTIN POWERS (pretty much all of 'em)-- Enough, baby. Rating = N-V
40. DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS-- Safety-corked-fork & peeing-under-the- dinner-table greatness. Rating = R
39. BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY-- It would have helped to be bilingual (speaking both English and British). Rating = P
38. CHOCOLAT-- Liked-it-a-lat. Rating: = X
37. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY-- "I'll have what she's having." "You pretty much wanna boink 'em all." Rating = Y
36. CHANGING LANES-- One no-good, very bad day. Rules are broken. There's hell to pay. Rating = U
35. AMERICAN PIE-- Impaled in a warm apple pie, the kid says, "It's not what it looks like." Movie magic. Rating = W
34. INDEPENDENCE DAY-- Special effects 'til ya puke. A plot to die from. Rating = C
33. THE JOY LUCK CLUB-- Definitely not a movie for just anyone. Maybe no one. Rating = H
32. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS-- I loathe mutton, so I never watched it. No Rating.
31. SOUTH PARK, THE MOVIE-- Crass, rank, filthy, despicable, cruel, excellent. Rating = W
30. CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON-- Made me a much faster reader. So? Rating = M
29. GRAPES OF WRATH-- Ka-lassic. Rating = Z+++
28. CHINATOWN-- Jim'l watches it weekly. Rating = Z
27. A BEAUTIFUL MIND-- This one hits close to home. Nothing to joke about here. Rating = Z.
26. PSYCHO (THE ORIGINAL)-- Stick a knife in 'er, she's done. "EEE-EEE-EEE!" Black and white Hitchcockian elegance. Rating = Z
25. THE STING-- Do you love gambling? Do you love good movies? Rating = Z
24. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID-- Raindrops keep falling on my head. WTF ever happened to B.J. Thomas, anyway? Rating = Z
23. THE LAST WALTZ-- Rocks. Best-ever concert movie, bar none. Rating = Y
22. THE GRADUATE-- Plastics. Elaine! Plastics. Elaine! Rating = Z
21. O BROTHER, WHERE ARE THOU?-- the DVD wouldn't play. No Rating
20. TITANIC-- Oh, my achin' bladder. Rating = W
19. THE PERFECT STORM-- Water, water, everywhere. Then more water. Some scenes may not be suitable for surfers. Rating = L
18. SHIPPING NEWS-- Kinda' blah, kinda' not. Rating = M
17. TRAFFIC-- Don't drug guys suck? Rating = V
16. ALMOST FAMOUS-- Not believable, except that it's true. Rating = S
15. BLOW-- My nose is spasming. Hayfever sufferers: beware. Rating = K
14. BRAVEHEART-- Nothin' but "Scotts-kabobs." Don't go to the deli after this one. Rating = P
13. STARS WARS: ALL OF 'EM-- How'd they do that? Is any of it true? Rating = Z-Q
12. BOWFINGER-- Depraved just right. Eddie Murphy's best film: "You won't believe who I just had intahcourse with in the trailer!" Rating = Z
11. AIRPLANE-- Call me Shirley all you like: "What a week I picked to give up glue-sniffing." Rating = Z+++
10. THE GODFATHER, PART 1-- Almost as good as THE SOPRANOS. Rating = W
9. BOOGIE NIGHTS-- Ramma-lamma-ding-DONG. Not fun. Rating = M
8. HARRY POTTER (all of 'em)-- I'll bet they're good if you watch 'em. They oughta' make a book series out of all the films. No Rating
7. GRATEFUL DAWG-- Good music. Good Jerry. Good David. Good others. Killer bluegrass with an emphasis on the "grass." Rating = W
6. ROAD TO PERDITION-- Drab, dreary, unhappy, bloody mobsters. Good for depression-seekers. Rating = V
5. FREDDIE GOT FINGERED-- Title hints at a prostate exam so I refused to watch it. No Rating
4. THE ROYAL TENNENBAUMS-- Tries too hard to be odd & quirky. Just too la-la-land'ish. Fairly crappy. Rating = L
3. GOSFORD PARK-- The British accents can't hide the fact that it's obviously British. Rating = P
2. AMERICAN BEAUTY-- Lots of rose petals. You could like so tell there was floral industry money behind this film. Rating = Z
1. MONSTER'S BALL-- Fleshy, dark, mournfully depressing, deeply disturbing, cheerful. Rating = S
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BE KIND, PLEASE REWIND (never attempt to rewind a DVD).
*Not recognized by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or The Screen Actors Guild.
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