Shot Off The Press
February 2007

* Overheard at the White House: "It's gonna take boatloads of Medals of Freedom to get us outa' this war."       (2-28-07)

* Bad news: I accidentally listened to Rush Limbaugh for a few minutes. Good news: my 8-day constipational nightmare is over!       (2-28-07)

* DNA Bombshell: test confirms Dannielynn's father is Pee Wee Herman!       (2-28-07)

* Always a huge fan, President Bush will attend Anna Nicole's funeral if it happens before he leaves office.       (2-28-07)

* That cagey Bush sure had one up his sleeve: he was going to meet with Iran and Syria all along! Very few know it, but diplomacy's always been his strong suit.        (2-28-07)

* This "War on Terror" thingy isn't going so well. It just needs a name change, that's all.        (2-28-07)

* The Taliban and Al Qaeda are resurgent as ever. What part of "be Christian and free like America" don't they understand?       (2-28-07)

* Where's our pallets of cash from the government?       (2-27-07)

* Why on God's Green Earth would anyone want to blow up the Vice President? He certainly wouldn't be much good for spreading freedom blown to smithereens.        (2-27-07)

* So the Stock Market's down. Big deal. What could possibly happen: Big Oil CEO bonuses are slashed by .0001% ?       (2-27-07)

* I fear the Bush administration may be losing some credibility.       (2-27-07)

* Chernobyl leads pack in wooing Bush Library       (2-27-07)

* It's so weird: whenever Dick Cheney flies all over the world to spread goodwill, people treat him like he's a rabid humping pit bull.        (2-27-07)

* Iraq isn't that bad if you put it in the context of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It's all a matter of perspective.       (2-27-07)

* "The Da Vinci Tomb" sends Christian world into dither       (2-27-07)

* Even though most of the Nation is against the war, they didn't go to Harvard like the President did.       (2-27-07)

* Bush-blasting is starting to become cliche. I wonder why?       (2-27-07)

* Everybody makes mistakes. It's just a shame when they screw everyone on the planet.       (2-27-07)

* You know, it's only been a little over 7 years. We need to give Bush a chance.       (2-27-07)

* Remember the good old days when you could almost live paycheck to paycheck?       (2-27-07)

* Even though it's only the rich who are getting richer in this "booming" economy, you have to be happy for them.       (2-27-07)

* You know, maybe we have it all wrong and we just don't know what's best for us like the White House does.       (2-27-07)

* I love the smell of Armageddon in the morning.       (2-27-07)

* Diebolt has been bought out by Halliburton who will oversee all national elections.       (2-27-07)

* Rumor has it Monica Lewinsky has been at every Barack Obama rally.       (2-27-07)

* I often ask myself if it's worth getting this worked up over a bunch of rat bastards destroying everything they touch. Let me get back to you on that.       (2-27-07)

* This just in: the White House has a secret plan for winning in Iraq. It's so secret, they don't even know what it is yet.       (2-27-07)

* Are Bush & Cheney secretly funding al Qaeda-linked groups?
Wouldn't that be just like "validating the al Qaeda strategy?"       (2-26-07)

* President crashes bike into Constitution; Bush unharmed, document fights for life       (2-26-07)

* Tom DeLay hired to exterminate Walter Reed Army Medical Center; Halliburton will finish spiffing-up       (2-26-07)

* Jimmy Carter vs. Dick Cheney. Where is the love?       (2-26-07)

* Now that a slavery link between the Rev. Al Sharpton and Strom Thurmond has been established, this ought to put Trent Lott and Reverend Al on the fast track to friendship.       (2-26-07)

* RIP, Jim Zumbo!       (2-26-07)

* The White House begins conducting their own Presidential Approval Poll (PAP). It will survey Bush administration officials, custodians, kitchen staff, gardeners, big donors and FOX news commentators.       (2-26-07)

* Indickt Cheney!       (2-26-07)

* Just out of curiosity: do you think Dick Cheney meditates?       (2-26-07)

* 9/11 Deja Vusama: Bush is ignoring the same urgent warnings he got 5 and 1/2 years ago. Sleep tight.       (2-25-07)

* Good news abounds!       (2-25-07)

* Barack Obama. Final answer.       (2-25-07)

* Can we please change the debate from "antiwar" to "pro peace?" It's just an idea.       (2-25-07)

* You know what they need in Iraq? Golf.       (2-25-07)

* "Murthanize" Cheney and put him out of his misery.       (2-25-07)

* Guess what's new at Taco Bell/KFC? The "RaTaco" and "Kentucky Fried Ratken."       (2-25-07)

* Hillary suffers from "Samsonite's Disease": she's carrying around way too much baggage from the old days.       (2-25-07)

* My Yorkie completely flipped out: he thought it was "The Global War on Terrier."       (2-25-07)

* Rehab News Network debuts       (2-25-07)

* Here's why we don't go to war based on a pack of fascist lies. Period.       (2-24-07)

* I'm all for striking Iran on one condition: Cheney is strapped to the first missile, Bush to the second.       (2-24-07)

* You just can't help but love that papa bear, Dick Cheney. He calls the Iraq War a "remarkable achievement." What a sweetie!       (2-24-07)

* Evangelical scientists discover mummified remains of man, dinosaur playing cards        (2-24-07)

* The only folks validating the al Qaeda strategy are Cheney, Bush, et al. Bin Laden knew if he attacked America on W's watch he'd get the mayhem he so desired. But, I'll bet he never dreamed it'd be this good.        (2-24-07)

* "Johnny Mac" close to abandoning presidential aspirations for city council run       (2-24-07)

* Barack Obama knows a wolf in shark's clothing when he sees it.       (2-24-07)

* Dickdoer: evildoer       (2-24-07)

* The Vice President, in his finite wisdom, does not believe man has caused Global Warming. But, I'm sure he believes man can fix it: the men from Halliburton will be dispatched to fix the problem with pallets of our tax cash.       (2-24-07)

* Dick "Bile Breath" Cheney makes Satan look like Wilford Brimley.       (2-23-07)

* Red flag: "Hillary '08" bumper sticker seen on Tom DeLay's Escalade       (2-23-07)

* Pastor Ted Haggard joins FOX News team       (2-23-07)

* Americans have dodged another terrorist bullet at a New Mexico church. Man, I feel safer.       (2-23-07)

* Joe Lieberman threatens to become a Republican and throw Senate power back to the neocons. "Traitor Joe" could screw us again.        (2-23-07)

* Switzerland bans cows from eating cannabis. They will now only be allowed to smoke it.       (2-23-07)

* Dick Cheney is the face of American Fascism.       (2-22-07)

* President George W. Bush has legally changed his middle name to "Washington," and his birthday to today's date so he and his mentor, George Washington, can share the same birthday. I mean, they have so much in common, it's totally unbelievable.       (2-22-07)

* A 900-pound, 39-foot-long Colossal squid has been caught off New Zealand. NOW can we bring the troops home?!       (2-22-07)

* Britney Spears will check into and out of rehab daily until she is well       (2-22-07)

* The Department of Homeland Security has immediately banned all slingshots; classified as "Weapons of Mass Destruction"       (2-22-07)

* Cheney accuses Democrats of "validating the al-Qaida strategy" by attempting to thwart his and Bush's troop surge. Yet, he commends Britain for withdrawing their troops as a sign of progress. I'm with Nancy: "If it's going so well, we'd like to withdraw our troops as well."       (2-22-07)

* It's so funny: the latest Pentagon report completely contradicts the Bush administration's assertion that progress is being made as evidenced by Britain's withdrawal. It must be a typo.       (2-22-07)

* President George W. Bush is his own worst failed policy.       (2-21-07)

* Bush ought to take a cue from Italian Premier Romano Prodi. He just resigned.       (2-21-07)

* Bush & Cheney see Blair's withdrawal as a sign of progress. Obviously then, hundreds of thousands of dead innocents are an even greater sign of progress.       (2-21-07)

* The Libby verdict is in: Cheney found guilty       (2-21-07)

* Calling Pastor Ted Haggard: Britney needs your 3-week rehab program, man. Maybe you could be her sponsor.       (2-21-07)

* Cheney wants to leave Iraq "with honor." You know, the same way he entered it.       (2-21-07)

* "Impeachment Pat" Fitzgerald may still be after Cheney's ass. (Damnit, I just drooled on my keyboard.)       (2-21-07)

* With Tony Blair on his shit list and short on allies, the President coddles up to Monaco, Liechtenstein and Luxembourg.       (2-21-07)

* Breaking News: Karl Rove enters political rehab       (2-21-07)

* Bush mulls over plan to attack Britain if Blair withdraws troops       (2-20-07)

* Accused terrorist financier, Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari, gave generously to the RNCC and earned a life membership in the "RNCC Inner Circle." He obviously viewed Bush-Cheney neocons as terrorists worthy of financing.       (2-20-07)

* Please return all your Peter Pan peanut butter to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.       (2-20-07)

* In case anyone's interested, I'm selling my shorn locks on ebay.       (2-19-07)

* Unfortunately, George Bush still thinks he's George Washington. I bet he dons a 3-cornered hat when he and the First Lady get amorous.       (2-19-07)

* Military "recruitment surge" targets homeless       (2-19-07)

* Condi's is killing 'em again in the Middle East. They're staying the course to nowhere fast.       (2-19-07)

* Maybe if we sent 4 or 5 million troops into Baghdad and had soldiers living in each household for 5 or 10 years...       (2-19-07)

* Bush overheard relentlessly humming "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."       (2-18-07)

* Newly-bald Britney seeks face transplant: "I can't live in my own skin!"       (2-17-07)

* Condi's back spreading the good word around the Middle East in person. Hey babe, your street cred is like, so gone.       (2-17-07)

* Dear stonewalling Senators: you can run but you can not hide.       (2-17-07)

* House begins Bush castration: 246-182       (2-Nancy!-07)

* President has two moles removed from forehead; IQ drops       (2-Nancy!-07)

* Ricky Martin thinks he's a Dixie Chick!       (2-Nancy!-07)

* Actually, Iraq is a bargain when you consider that much of the cost is recouped in Halliburton profits.        (2-Nancy!-07)

* Billions squandered in Iraq: no one ever said buying a civil war is cheap.       (2-Nancy!-07)

* Dick Cheney is learning "what goes around comes around" the hard way. He basically shot Scooter in the face.       (2-15-07)

* Tony Snow caught tripping on acid at press briefing; no charges filed       (2-15-07)

* Voter-mandated testosterone injections are definitely working wonders on the Democrats: they're turning into real ball-busters.       (2-15-07)

* The Troops are chanting "BUSH": Bring-US-Home!       (2-15-07)

* Dang! A senior Justice Department official can't even buy a vacation home with an oil lobbyist anymore.       (2-15-07)

* Al Franken is running for the U.S. Senate: "How can anyone not like him?" (Helen Seinfeld)       (2-15-07)

* The new $1 coin is coming out today. Bush mistakenly believes he will be on it.       (2-15-07)

* The 2002 "US Invasion Plan for Iraq" has been declassified by Central Command under the Freedom of Information Act. Oh, she's a beauty!       (2-15-07)

* With a nod to "The Far Side's" Gary Larson, Kansas Creationists say they have proof that man smoked cigarettes with dinosaurs.       (2-15-07)

* Even staunch Republicans are revolting against the "New Way Bushward."        (2-15-07)

* abyssination: deceitfully sending a nation, or nations headlong into an abyss: George Bush has caused the abyssination of the United States and Iraq.        (2-15-07)

* Bush is allowing 7,000 displaced Iraqis into the US. What about the other millions?       (2-15-07)

* For the life of me, can't DHS or FEMA figure out who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is?       (2-15-07)

* Al-Sadr still in Iraq; spotted at Baghdad Wal*Mart       (2-15-07)

* We can always hold out hope that Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" will snare Bush, Cheney or Rove.       (2-14-07)

* Why we need embryonic stem-cell research now: to find a cure for "Bushzheimer's Disease"       (2-14-07)

* Hell NO, We Won't Go...along with a lying deserter's failed immoral war.       (2-14-07)

* Iran: Weapons of Mass Deja Vu       (2-13-07)

* Bushtard: alternate spelling of bastard.       (2-13-07)

* Get ready to make a beeline for the toilet: Bush- "I made a name by being compassionate." I suppose you could say the same for Saddam, Osama and Dick Cheney.       (2-13-07)

* I, for one, will not be supporting Barack Obama. He's just too open, honest and likable. I fear there won't enough good writing material to sustain this blog-rant of mine if he's nominated and elected. --grant "brad" gerver       (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Another Bush Mission Accomplished: Dixie Chicks win 5 Grammys        (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Today is "Honest Abe" Lincoln's birthday. What better time to crown Bush "Dishonest George?"       (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Let "Freedom" Bleed        (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Take Iraq, swap the "q" for an "n" and you have "Same War, Different Country."       (2-Honest Abe-07)

* House Democrats are poised to kick Elephant ass and take names later.       (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Libby's trial has made Vice President Cheney "The Smoking Dick Gun"        (2-Honest Abe-07)

* "Johnny Mac" McCain goes limp on accepting soft money. Who'd a' thunk it? Me.        (2-Honest Abe-07)

* We can't pull out now! Bush just hired General Patraeus to command the troops in Iraq. It might look bad.       (2-Honest Abe-07)

* Bush-loving Giuliani is a breath of fresh flatulence.       (2-12-07)

* Everybody who wants Karl Rove's son to pick tomatoes and make beds in Vegas raise your hand.       (2-11-07)

* The White House went to war based on half-truths*. I guess Bush saw the glass half-full.   (*extremely generous term)    (2-11-07)

* Happy Darwin Day, everybody: Evolve=Love.   ("Drag your knuckles, cram-a-banana!")    (2-11-07)

* Time for "Humpty Dick Dumpty" to have a great fall.       (2-Spike is 82!-07)

* Wouldn't it be bizarre to have a president you didn't hate? A president with whom you can relate? Barack 2008.       (2-Spike!-07)

* The Bush mega-debacle might actually bear fruit: PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!       (2-Spike!-07)

* Impeach & Convict Bush & Cheney = President Pelosi. Bring HER on!       (2-Spike!-07)

* Think about this: Bush may long be remembered for unwittingly setting the stage for the first female president and the first African-American president. Chew on that legacy for a while, Dubya.       (2-Spike!-07)

* I might be the father of Anna Nicole's baby.       (2-Spike!-07)

* L. Paul Bremer can't account for 363 tons a' cash? Was that wrong? (Reminds me of George Costanza.)       (2-Spike!-07)

* Vladimir Putin must be drinking Hugo Chavez's tequila.       (2-Spike!-07)

* Cheney wins first annual"Flaming Buttocks Award"        (2-9-07)

* Future Medal of Freedom Honoree, Douglas J. Feith: Secretary of the Department for Spreading Freedom by Manipulating Intelligence. Job well done, soldier!        (2-9-07)

* Haven't Palestinians and Israelis ever heard of "Chill Pills?" So what if Israel is renaming the Holy City "Jewrusalem?"        (2-9-07)

* Italy is close to recognizing unmarried and same-sex couples. Now, the Vatican's good with it, right?       (2-9-07)

* Pelosi plane flap reeks of Rove       (2-9-07)

* Sir Richard Branson is offering $25 million to find the best way to remove CO2 from the atmosphere. Like, how 'bout really, really huge tailpipe condoms?       (2-9-07)

* Britney enrolls in astronaut school       (2-9-07)

* Due to recent spate of helicopter crashes, President orders "chopper surge" to Baghdad       (2-8-07)

* Republican senators display speck of conscience; have change of heart       (2-8-07)

* If only Bush were an astronaut, that would explain his wildly erratic behavior.       (2-8-07)

* Talk about guts, patriotism and moral values: look no farther than Army Lt. Ehren Watada.        (2-7-07)

* GOP: Grand Old Putzes. They're the new media "dudlings."        (2-7-07)

* Dick Cheney's son-in-law is the major stumbling block to oversight of DHS. Certainly, it's just a grand coincidence.        (2-7-07)

* Hackers: the true terrorists        (2-7-07)

* Mommy, I wanna be a "U.S. Ghost Employee" when I grow up!        (2-7-07)

* Lieberman wants a "war tax." Don't we already have one? It's called "the budget."        (2-7-07)

* The Bush administration vs. Obama regarding the "experience" issue: look what political "experience" has gotten us.        (2-7-07)

* WAL*MART ~ Always Low Wages for Women!       (2-7-07)

* Astronaut Lisa Nowak blames Bush for woes; many agree       (2-7-07)

* Pastor Haggard given cush job at Halliburton        (2-7-07)

* Suddenly, all the world's problems have melted away, for Pastor Ted Haggard is not only cured of sin, he is COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL!       (2-6-07)

* We can't seem to escape the "Trashmosphere": apparently, man won't be leaving Earth anytime soon.       (2-6-07)

* The obvious first step in fixing the war debacle is immediate impeachment.       (2-6-07)

* "Oilcan" Cheney attacked by his own investment manager. Imagine that.       (2-6-07)

* Astronaughty: spaceflight appears to wreak havoc with libido       (2-6-07)

* Budget numbers based on Intelligent Design economic theory       (2-5-07)

* Bush fiscal policy = the Earth is flat       (2-5-07)

* Never-Ending Bush Logic: "We must rein in spending by allowing me to spend $784 billion more on the war."       (2-5-07)

* No offense, Rex, but Da BEARS were Gross, man!        (2-5-07)

* Da BEARS with a bullet.        (2-4-07)

* Of course I'm rooting for Da BEARS: Condi's picking Indy.       (2-4-07)

* Bush asks to throw out first pitch at Super Bowl       (2-4-07)

* Wolf, Dude, are you insinuating the war money could be better spent?! Don't look back: Cheney might be gaining on you!       (2-4-07)

* Bad news for Biden: receives Michael Richards' endorsement       (2-4-07)

* Democracy cannot thrive in arrogant soil.       (2-4-07)

* That McCain is just an untrustworthy ass-kissin' flaky Bush-hawk. But other than that, he'd make a really good realtor.       (2-4-07)

* Bush to "Democrat" leaders: "War is sapping our soul." So, admitting it means all is forgiven and we shall stay the course? Good thinkin', numbnuts.       (2-4-07)

* Citing Executive Privilege, White House secedes from Union       (2-4-07)

* Every media outlet in the world is only reporting about the violence in Iraq. They apparently haven't learned a thing from FOX.       (2-4-07)

* Fox will be running a series of mini-documentaries entitled: "The Good News About Iraq." They'll run weekly from 8:00-8:01 P.M.       (2-4-07)

* Recruitment incentive: new military inductees will receive Purple Heart before arriving in Iraq       (2-4-07)

* "Fast-Track Marine Program" sends recruits to Iraq without boot camp       (2-4-07)

* Rumsfeld will replace Maliki as Prime Minister       (2-4-07)

* Osama, Osama! Wherefore art thou Osama?       (2-4-07)

* Ass in a sling, "George the Dictator" becomes "George the Conciliator." No soup for you, buddy!       (2-3-07)

* WOW, Bush's "New Way Forward" is already working!       (2-3-07)

* Forced to accept the certainty of man-caused Global Warming, the President vows to ride his bike more, as one solution.       (2-3-07)

* Do you think the National Intelligence Estimate and the Iraq Study Group Report will it make into the Bush Library?       (2-3-07)

* It's so obvious: the only logical place for The George W. Bush "Let Freedom Spread" Presidential Library is inside the Green Zone.        (2-3-07)

* The White House responds to Iraq being in a total full-on civil war in light of the NIE with a resounding "Nuh-uh!"       (2-3-07)

* Bush views the British bird flu outbreak as good news because it might shift focus away from Iraq.       (2-3-07)

* Rove desperately seeks Terri Schiavo replacement for White House ace-in-the-hole       (2-2-07)

* I love Bush's "flex-focus strategy": Iraq ain't workin' so we'll just nail Iran.       (2-2-07)

* DHS cancels Super Bowl over Boston toy incident; Colts, Bears will share championship; irate Prince goes ballistic       (2-2-07)

* Boy, Ned, the threat level oughta' be purty derned red today.       (2-2-07)

* God Bless paranoiAmerica       (2-2-07)

* George W. Bush: American Hypervigilante       (2-2-07)

* TSA sets up screening stations at nation's toy stores       (2-2-07)

* DHS URGENT ALERT: REPORT ALL SUSPICIOUS TOYS TO FEMA IMMEDIATELY! 1-800-TOY-BOMB       (2-2-07)

* Peace would simply destroy the Middle East. What would everybody do?       (2-2-07)

* Bush & Big Oil's American Enterprise Institute is bribing scientists to contradict today's Global Warming report. Facts are just a flat-out bitch for this administration.       (2-2-07)

* The White House is all "fact up."       (2-2-07)

* And now, to make matters worse, even MORE facts are flying in the face of Bush "conventional diswisdom": Damn that National Intelligence Estimate!       (2-2-07)

* Molly Ivins R.I.P. ~ Don't let a little thing like death stop you from slicing and dicing George W. "Shrub" from afar.       (2-1-07)

* Exxon Mobil just posted its best-ever annual profit! How come I didn't?       (2-1-07)

* Kissinger says Bush may have a secret plan to end the war. Monkeys are lining up in my colon as we speak.       (2-1-07)

* Libby trial: I smell a Rove.       (2-1-07)

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