Shot Off The Press
January 2007

* George W. Bush: "The Dictator Maker"       (1-31-07)

* Boston promotional prank leads to ban on all blinking toys by Homeland Security.       (1-31-07)

* Tony Blair is caught up in a web of corruption and coverup just like his mentor, Bush. Bad poodle, bad poodle.       (1-31-07)

* Iraq reconstruction begins when US occupation ends.       (1-31-07)

* When we're allowed to specify what our taxes can and can't pay for, hemorrhoids will shrink nationwide.        (1-31-07)

* Trillion-dollar BushDoggle: when's the last time Americans actually paid to have a country deconstructed? Our great grandchildren's great grandchildren will be paying, too.       (1-31-07)

* Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, I've found even more proof of what an "enormous success" the war is!       (1-30-07)

* You're trying to tell me the White House pressured scientists on behalf of an oil lobbyist to mitigate the true effects of Global Warming? Well, as long as it keeps us safer, I'm good with it.       (1-30-07)

* Uh-oh: Bush & Cheney accuse Iran of trying to purchase "yellow cake" from Niger.        (1-30-07)

* Maybe, JUST MAYBE, Scooter Libby's trial will finally bring down "Decision-Maker" Bush, "Enormous Success" Cheney, and "Turd Blossom" Rove: iVmIpSeUaAcLhImZeEn!t        (1-30-07)

*
Or: rVeIsSiUgAnLaItZiEo!n       (1-30-07)

* Barbaro was a thousand times the man you'll ever be, Mr. President.       (1-29-07)

* The main camera on the Hubble is kaput. The White House fingers al-Qaeda.       (1-29-07)

* No Cialis necessary!       (1-29-07)

* Iran is rushing out the welcome wagon to Iraq. What a marvelous helping hand for Bush.       (1-29-07)

* Here's the basic problem: you can't download America onto a Middle East mainframe.       (1-29-07)

* Ever the pragmatist, the President puts Katrina Reconstruction on the "It-Won't-Be-Solved-Until-Long-After-I'm-out-Of-Office" List.       (1-29-07)

* 200 insurgents have been killed in Iraq. I assume that's all of 'em.       (1-29-07)

* Even better news about Global Warming: more ocean to swim in and diluted pollutants.       (1-29-07)

* Hillary busts nuts: "The President has said this is going to be left to his successor. I think it's the height of irresponsibility, and I really resent it. This was his decision to go to war; he went with an ill-conceived plan, an incompetently executed strategy, and we should expect him to extricate our country from this before he leaves office." Hillary, you GO, GIRL.       (1-29-07)

* The White House is getting to experience what Saddam did as the anti-war noose tightens arounds its neck.       (1-29-07)

* Oh Great Decision-Maker, allow Joe Biden to 'splain it to you: it's your failed policy that emboldens the enemy, STUPID.        (1-28-07)

* The Bush Health Care Proposal: a grenade dressed in scrubs.        (1-28-07)

* Ethanol best left to drink: as an energy alternative, it's just another Bush-hoax lie.        (1-28-07)

* Bad news for Iran: four letters long and begins with an I.       (1-28-07)

* BUSH urges smoke and giant space mirrors to halt global warming! (It sounds like a typical SK.com line, BUT IT'S NOT!)        (1-27-07)

* 30% and sinkin' like a stone.       (1-27-07)

* Dick, George & Karl: My Country 'Tis NOT of THEE!        (1-27-07)

* I b'lieve we got ourselves one a' them thar good ol' fashioned war protests, Clem.       (1-27-07)

* The Decision-Maker: "One of the things I've found in Congress is that most people recognize that failure would be a disaster for the United States. And in that I'm the decision-maker, I had to come up with a way forward that precluded disaster. In other words, I had to think about what's likely to work..." He's obviously a "Pinball Wizard," too.        (1-27-07)

* Though the Walls of the White House have come tumbling down, rest assured the egg is still only cracked, not broken.        (1-27-07)

* Rove and Bartlett have been subpoenaed for Libby's trial. Even if nothing comes of it, the curtain has been drawn back. Most importantly, the White House is squirming like a snail under a magnifying glass in the hot summer sun.       (1-27-07)

* Well now, "The Decider" has morphed into "The Decision-Maker." Is that cute or what?        (1-27-07)

* Gates says Congress' Iraq resolution opposing Bush's escalation "emboldens the enemy." No, Bob, you've got it all wrong: it's your boss, Bush, and his boss, Cheney, who embolden the enemy.       (1-26-07)

* Ford has lost so much money, it has decided to open a day-trading division to recoup losses.       (1-26-07)

* WWJI: Who Would Jesus Insure?       (1-26-07)

* Maybe it's time to suck it up and embrace our embattled President..................................with a straitjacket, handcuffs, and duct tape.       (1-26-07)

* I can't top this: (Davos, Switzerland: World Economic Forum) "U.S. invasion was 'idiot decision'-Iraq vice president"       (1-26-07)

* Bit off more than he could chew? Got more than he bargained for? Things didn't go as planned? Lied like a rug to the American people and the world? A resounding "YES" to all 4. That's why it's such "hard work" being George W. Bush.       (1-26-07)

* Hope you like cold coffee, George. According to "The Far Side," it's always served cold in hell.       (1-26-07)

* Now, Bush is pissing off Russia with his missile defense plan. Don't they realize it's for their own good?       (1-26-07)

* The White House is a rogue state.        (1-26-07)

* I prefer to take the intellectual high ground on Global Warming: it is a function of Intelligent Design.        (1-26-07)

* True to form, the Bush administration is glad to spend billions on reconstructing Iraq, but not on New Orleans (W didn't even give a nod to N.O. in has SOTU address).       (1-26-07)

* The economy IS doing great: for the corporate elite. Doesn't that make you feel better?       (1-26-07)

* Okay, in the spirit of bipartisanship I'll compromise: let's impeach Cheney first, then Bush.       (1-25-07)

* Funny, I don't see Tony Blair's brown nose anywhere near Bush these days. Could he be a closet "inSURGEnt?"       (1-25-07)

* Dick "Hogwash" Cheney vehemently defends the war, firmly cementing his status as the #2 American terrorist of all time.       (1-25-07)

* The Vice President is miffed: "Looks like I need to take a few Republican turncoats quail hunting."       (1-25-07)

* SurgeFizzle       (1-25-07)

* After giving the President's Iraq strategy overnight to work, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee votes it down.       (1-24-07)

* Like glaciers matter.       (1-24-07)

* Listening to the President's speech gave me a warm fuzzy feeling in all the wrong places.       (1-24-07)

* The President wants us to save   his ass   gas.       (1-23-07)

* Scooter's defense opens: Libby was sacrificial lamb for Rove. Time to throw "Moral Value" Karl on the spit. Oh, more good news: there's plenty of room for Cheney.       (1-23-07)

* Instead of watching the State of the Union address tonight, I'm just gonna smack my thumb with a ball-peen hammer.       (1-23-07)

* "Culture of Life" Bush sure has caused a lot of needless death.       (1-23-07)

* Scientific blowhards cited as main cause of Global Warming       (1-23-07)

* I did a spit-take, then projectile-vomited.       (1-23-07)

* Don't call my President incompetent. Well, okay, go ahead. Just don't call him "way past incompetent." Well, okay, go ahead.       (1-23-07)

* A global poll has concluded that the world's view of the US has gone into the dumper. Damn that liberal BBC media.        (1-23-07)

* 27 US troops died over the weekend, and more than 130 Iraqis were butchered in Baghdad yesterday. No worries, Bush is sending in more troops to replace them.       (1-23-07)

* Chinese say space debris from missile test no worse than orbiting fried rice.       (1-23-07)

* It's getting so bad that even the neorats are jumping off the sinking Buship.       (1-23-07)

* Schoolmate remembers Cheney always wanting to be hangman when he grew up        (1-22-07)

* What's with all the long faces at the White House? At least we're winning the war, aren't we?       (1-22-07)

* The President deserves a break.........................from office.       (1-22-07)

* Bush has sunk to the depths of Nixon's unpopularity. I just love it when those two guys are mentioned in the same breath.       (1-22-07)

* White House classifies all present and future presidential poll results.       (1-22-07)

* "Limbo George": how LOW can you go?       (1-22-07)

* SLAM DUNK: if we can't impeach Bush and Cheney, we'll never impeach ANYBODY!       (1-21-07)

* Coming to a bookstore near you: "George W. Bush: War Whore"       (1-21-07)

* "Bring-It-On" Tuesday night: The State of the Dysfunction address. (The Democratic response comes from Senator Jim "Combat Boots" Webb. He's said to be salivating. As am I.)       (1-20-07)

* Hey Democrats: It's THE MIDDLE CLASS, Stupid!       (1-20-07)

* General Casey says we need to be patient in securing Baghdad. That's doublespeak for "2-3 centuries."       (1-20-07)

* Nancy Pelosi is poisonous, all right. She's definitely leaving the White House feeling snakebit.        (1-20-07)

* I'm startin' to really like that new Speaker of the House: "the president has to answer for his war. He has dug a hole so deep he can't even see the light on this. It's a tragedy. It's a stark blunder."        (1-20-07)

* Hillary assures Democrats that Bill will make all the decisions if she's elected.       (1-20-07)

* How dare that damned China blow satellites out of space before we can! And to think they'd pick such a peaceful president's tenure to do it.       (1-20-07)

* Surge first, ask questions later.       (1-20-07)

* There's No Excuse for Constitution Abuse       (1-20-07)

* George, it's "Global Warming," not "Global Warring."       (1-20-07)

* We do not live in a monarchy.   (Thanks to Karl Azid.)    (1-19-07)

* It's time to pause and salute all you brilliant dunces who voted the President into office twice (obviously with a nod to Diebold). You got exactly what you deserve. Too bad we got what you deserve, too.       (1-19-07)

* Although the Democrats are left with an infinite mound of "Turd Blossom" to deal with, they appear to be ripe for the challenge.       (1-19-07)

* (Bush, 1-16 ) "I don't quite view it as the broken egg; I view it as the cracked egg..." Is this tyrant a great leader, or what?       (1-19-07)

* "George the Bulldozer" will forge ahead, Congress be damned. Unfortunately, he may run into "Biden the Tank."       (1-18-07)

* That Maliki guy sure is sick of Bush and Condi.        (1-18-07)

* What could $1.2 TRILLION buy? Right now, it's buying IRAQ.       (1-17-07)

* Yippee, The Doomsday Clock is on the march toward midnight! (You know, like freedom.)       (1-17-07)

* Good news about "The Doomsday Clock" ticking toward oblivion: break out the smokes and line up the shots.       (1-17-07)

* Another Bush Miracle: Aphgoneistan       (1-17-07)

* Obama/Olbermann '08       (1-17-07)

* Draft Andrew Rove!       (1-16-07)

* Keith Olbermann has the final word.   (Thanks, Horace and Larry.)    (1-15-07)

* WWMLKD       (1-15-07)

* The President and Vice President are making it abundantly clear that nothing can stop their global sodomy. Secure your arses, everyone.       (1-15-07)

* Ewwwww, Saddam's half-brother's head popped off! God, don't you just hate it when that happens?    (Or, like me, are you visualizing someone else's head?)    (1-15-07)

* Oh, let's see it again!       (1-14-07)

* Maybe if we give "the new way forward" enough rope, it'll hang itself.        (1-14-07)

*
(Bush, 1/10/07) "The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve." Spoken like a true terrorist.        (1-14-07)

* "To oppose everything while proposing nothing is irresponsible," said Bush in his weekly radio address. "Those who refuse to give this plan a chance to work have an obligation to offer an alternative that has a better chance for success." Oh really? Jack Murtha has the perfect alternative, but someone is apparently deaf.        (1-14-07)

* Hearing that President Bush cries when he meets parents of slain soldiers, makes me puke. He is to blame. He shouldn't be allowed to cry.        (1-14-07)

* Impeach, convict. There's yer new way forward.        (1-14-07)

* So damn what if none of the Bush administration's children are in Iraq? You surely can't lead if you're having to worry about your own kids dying all the time.       (1-14-07)

* Can't wait for Tuesday: "American Idol" (6th season) and "American Liar" (the Scooter Libby trial).   (Check out Paula Abdul drunk on her ass promoting AI. Enjoy.)    (1-13-07)

* Although 70% of Americans are against sending in more troops, the President reasons: "I owe it to the other 30%."        (1-13-07)

* I'm kinda' gettin' the feeling the Bush administration's goal is to avoid peace at all costs. Ya think?       (1-12-07)

* The latest yellow ribbon magnet: Support Our Civil War       (1-12-07)

* Of course, "Johnny Mac" McCain stands behind the president. It's called a "neocolonoscopy."       (1-12-07)

* The Secretary of State looks good roasting on a Senate grill, doesn't she?       (1-12-07)

* "You're doin' a heckuva job, Maliki."       (1-12-07)

* Tom DeLay has a new book coming out: "If I Did It"       (1-12-07)

* "No embryonic stem-cell research, no Medicare drug-price negotiations." Thus saith the "Veto Bandito."       (1-12-07)

* Barry Bonds, what are we gonna do with you, open up a "Speed & Steroids Hall of Fame?"       (1-12-07)

* "New Way Forward" = "slam dump"       (1-11-07)

* Britain takes President's message to heart; will promptly "desurge" by 3,000 troops       (1-11-07)

* Bush: "Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved." So true. It'll look exactly like defeat.       (1-11-07)

* My interpretation of what the President said: "I have made mistakes. The responsibility rests with me. I will continue to make mistakes and take responsibility until my next speech when I will admit new mistakes."       (1-11-07)

* Bush: "The Iraqi government will take over security in all of the country's provinces by November." Of WHAT YEAR?       (1-11-07)

* Thanks for jump-starting the Antiwar Movement, George!       (1-11-07)

* Country Joe's "I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-to-Die Rag" zooms up charts with bullet       (1-11-07)

* I still say we don't need more troops. We need more methamphetamine.       (1-11-07)

* How many more troops do you think the bastard'll send in 6 months from now?       (1-11-07)

* After hearing the President's mock speech, I instinctively checked to see if I still had my wallet.       (1-10-07)

* As always, the President continues to rise above the nuisance of reason.       (1-10-07)

* Suddenly, Joe Lieberman is little Georgie's bestest friend in the whole wide world. (And, about the only one.)       (1-10-07)

* I really don't think the President gets a fair shake. Nobody gives him any credit for knowing more than anybody else on Earth. This guy is the Second Coming incarnate.       (1-10-07)

* Like any of this silly political crap matters: Have you seen that new iPhone?!       (1-10-07)

* As he lifts the ban on Alaskan oil drilling, Bush is sending more troops to Iraq. Now, that's one plucky fothermucker.       (1-10-07)

* Maliki has agreed to crack down on violence in Baghdad, you know, unless he steps down to work at Circle K.       (1-10-07)

* I love a President who is so patient that he can afford to wait centuries to find out if his maniacal decision to invade Iraq was justified. I, on the other hand, cannot wait another second.       (1-10-07)

* We urgently need a new Decider and Vice Decider.       (1-10-07)

* So what if it's hotter than ever? When God gives you heat, make bikinis.       (1-10-07)

* I can't wait to hear Bush's speech tonight! He's so optimistic, I can't help but be, too! We'll win the terrorists, I know we will!        (1-10-07)

* Cute Abramoff and Bush photo.       (1-9-07)

* Might I suggest the President begin attending Freedom-Spreaders Anonymous meetings?        (1-9-07)

* Manhattan stench caused by new Bush War Plan.       (1-9-07)

* All right! Operation Somali Freedom has begun!       (1-9-07)

* Bush to war critics: "L'Eggo my Ego!"       (1-9-07)

* ESCALATE THE IMPEACHMENT!       (1-8-07)

* Surge = Love       (1-8-07)

* Troop surge = Stay the Corpse       (1-8-07)

* Gimme a B, gimme an A, gimme a C, gimme a K, gimme an F, gimme an I, gimme an R, gimme an E...       (1-8-07)

* How many "Boots on the Ground" favor escalation?       (1-8-07)

* The hood's nickname for George W. Bush: "Legga-C"       (1-7-07)

* Unfazed by full-on criticism and widespread defection, the President knows he's still right. In the real world, we call it "delusions of grandeur."       (1-7-07)

* It's a sick thought, but maybe another failed troop surge will finally convince The Decider and his few deciples that all is truly lost. On second thought, you can't convince a blind man to see.       (1-6-07)

* The President has re-shuffled his house of cards. But, alas, it's still a house of cards.       (1-6-07)

* "The New Bush Iraq Plan for Well Beyond My Presidency" seeks to keep things barely strung together enough to last into the next Democratic president's term, thus shifting blame into the future.       (1-5-07)

* You know, I haven't heard any Bush poll numbers lately. I guess the polling software isn't compatible with negative numbers.       (1-5-07)

* What about strategically placing 30,000 Marine manequins all over Baghdad?       (1-5-07)

* Why not just evacuate Baghdad and make it a ghost town?       (1-5-07)

* Harriet Miers has resigned. But, not before getting a W "tittooed" on her right breast.        (1-4-07)

* The Presidictator has snuck one by us again with another one of his special Constitution-raping signing statements. Now, he can even open our mail without a warrant. Saddam would be so proud.       (1-4-07)

* 9 out of 10 dermatologists prefer Global Warming       (1-4-07)

* And the Wrich just keep getting Wricher...       (1-4-07)

* Embryonic stem-cell research bill would exclude Bush from benefiting from the use of any resulting cures.       (1-4-07)

* Ever the bipartisan, George Bush prepares to send more troops to the slaughterhouse.       (1-4-07)

* The George W. Bush Legacy: You Can't Keep a Bad Man Down       (1-4-07)

* The Democrats take control. Republicans are drinking heavily.       (1-4-07)

* Iraqty Dumpty sat on a wall. Iraqty Dumpty had a great fall. All W's horses and all W's men couldn't put Iraqty together again.       (1-3-07)

* I'm a huge BCS supporter: "Boise Championship State!"   (Dedicated to Craig "1guy" Traudt.)    (1-3-07)

* Bush says Congress must limit pork barrel spending. Yet, his trillion-dollar spending on an unjustified military abomination isn't even included in the budget. Hypocrites have never come bigger than this self-righteous pimp.       (1-3-07)

* I am wearing no panties in solidarity with Britney.       (1-3-07)

* Prime Minister Maliki has had enough and wants to leave office. Enter Don Rumsfeld.       (1-3-07)

* Simplifying it for the President: Troop surge: bad. Troop withdrawal: good. Stay in Iraq: bad. Leave Iraq: good.       (1-3-07)

* Finally, a new strategy we can all live with: discount the generals on the ground.       (1-3-07)

* If genetic engineering can eradicate mad cow disease, it certainly can eradicate "mad president's disease."       (1-2-07)

* Happy Nuke Year       (1-1-07)

* Happy New Same Ol' Shit       (1-1-07)

* Here's a MILESTONE MOMENT for you, George: 3000 US TROOPS DEAD on YOUR watch, bud.       (1-1-07)

* The hell with resolutions. We need a revolution.       (1-1-07)

* The President gives a heartfelt holiday sound bite to jittery Americans: "Sure, 3000 dead's a lot. But, at least Laura survived skin cancer."       (1-1-07)

* Happy New Way Forward!       (1-1-07)

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