Shot Off The Press
November 2006

Happy Thanksgiving to YOU. Thanks for making so much fun to write. I'll be back December 3rd. -grant "brad" gerver

* Bush blankets Iraq with pumpkin pies       (11-22-06)

* Okay, I finally get it. Bush staying in Iraq "until the job is done" means staying until all Iraqis are dead. Then, it'll be really easy to establish a democracy. Makes sense.       (11-22-06)

* Cheney and Bush: "Nuke & Yooler"       (11-21-06)

* Dick Cheney wants another notch in his shotgun: he's got Iraq, now he wants Iran.       (11-21-06)

* Kramer heads to Mel's house for tequila and a good cry       (11-21-06)

* Iraq: The Democratic Crown Jewel of the Middle East       (11-20-06)

* The 3 actual Pentagon Iraq options: 1)-Eat Big Sh*t. 2)-Eat Long Sh*t, OR, 3)-We've Eaten Enough Sh*t, now let's go home.       (11-20-06)

* That George W. Bush is a Goddamn walkin' talkin' freedom-dispenser, id'n he?       (11-20-06)

* The President asks his inner circle to begin calling him "Harry."       (11-20-06)

* You know "The Quail Hunter's" thinkin' it: "It has become immensely obvious that Saddam moved WMD to Iran just before we invaded. Therefore, it is our right and our duty to take imperative preemptive action against Iran before we leave office."        (11-20-06)

* Dear Senator McCain: if we send more troops to Iraq, who'll be left to invade Iran?       (11-19-06)

* OJ, you're making Mel Gibson look good.       (11-19-06)

* Even Bush's Uncle Kissinger says victory is no longer possible. Fall on your sword, George.       (11-19-06)

* OJ and Rupert, I'm fresh outa' puke for you guys.       (11-19-06)

* FOX hires OJ to interview other notorious bludgeoners for new reality series: "If They Did It"       (11-18-06)

* I can't wait till we have more people than India.       (11-18-06)

* The President believes that, unlike Vietnam, we need to stay in Iraq until we really get our asses kicked. Talk about throwing good money after bad. How many more soldiers and civilians must die to satisfy this psycho? Commence the castration.       (11-18-06)

* Bush to get silicone breast implant in brain       (11-18-06)

* General Abizaid says we either get a grip on Iraq or face WW III: another Mission Accomplished Bush-Legacy Moment brought to you by the good hard-working folks at Halliburton.       (11-18-06)

* The Global Warming hoax is just a lame scientific excuse not to burn sh*tloads of coal.       (11-18-06)

* The COAL-FIRED Industry: "We Will Never Be Held Hostage by Nature OR the Environment"       (11-18-06)

* People for the Ethical Treatment of Stem Cells       (11-18-06)

* Just think, Bush'll get to tell the grandkids, "Grandpa started World War III!"       (11-18-06)

* Bush finally sees the parallel between Iraq and Vietnam: "They both eat tons a' rice, right?"       (11-17-06)

* Man, there's still a Lott of racism in this country of ours.       (11-17-06)

* Dagnabit, Sheila, there's a steny stuck in the hoyer!       (11-16-06)

* OJ's sick return could have only happened on FOX.       (11-15-06)

* Instead of trying to build someone else's nation, why don't we stick to building our own?       (11-15-06)

* Boy, the Democrats really slam-thumped those Rovocons!       (11-15-06)

* Bush is against timetables because he was so poor at multiplication as a kid.       (11-14-06)

* "LARGEST MASS ABDUCTION SINCE START OF WAR": the Bush strategy seems to be working better than ever. Freedom's on the march!       (11-14-06)

* A Salute to Don: How many knowns could a known known know if a known known could know knowns?       (11-13-06)

* Bush overheard: "Do I still get to be the Decider?"       (11-12-06)

* Does anyone remember back when a gloating Karl Rove called us "Smarty-pants Liberals?" I hope HE does.       (11-12-06)

* George 41 to the world: "Read my lips: quit thumpin' my son!"       (11-12-06)

* Saddam's new nickname: "Hangin' Chad"       (11-12-06)

* George W. Bush is one lame mother-ducker.       (11-11-06)

* "Winning" in Iraq means LEAVING Iraq. It's kinda' like losing a little less worser.       (11-11-06)

* Let us all remember on this solemn Veteran's Day that the President who'll be laying the wreaths cut and ran from his very own military service, while the Vice President never even served.        (11-11-06)

* Bush lost the War on Terror the day he declared it.       (11-11-06)

* Have you noticed how much good the War on Terror has done for Britain?       (11-11-06)

* I hope like hell the Republican Party is in its last throes.       (11-11-06)

* To Cheney, Iraq is nothing more than the ultimate quail hunt.       (11-11-06)

* See George squirm.       (11-10-06)

* You hate to see such a warm fuzzy teddy bear of a diplomat as John Boltom lose his job just because of election results that even Diebold couldn't fix.       (11-10-06)

* Bush shortens Rove's nickname to "Turd"       (11-10-06)

* Licking his wounds, Karl Rove sets out to create his own megachurch.       (11-10-06)

* Rumsfeld to become Wal*Mart greeter       (11-10-06)

* Damned if Karl Rove just might have created the beginnings of a permanent DEMOCRATIC majority.       (11-10-06)

* Do you need any more proof that Jesus is a Democrat?       (11-10-06)

* A thumping we will go, a thumping we will go...       (11-10-06)

* Give 'Em Hell, Nancy!       (11-8-06)

* Saddam urges Democrats, Republicans to forgive, reconcile, shake hands       (11-8-06)

* Karl Rove goes into seclusion with Pastor Ted Haggard at Tom DeLay's villa       (11-8-06)

* This is one of the greatest editorials I've ever read. It's by Kevin Tillman, brother of Pat Tillman.

* You guys are worried about elections when BRITNEY HAS JUST FILED FOR DIVORCE?!        (11-7-06)

* On your way home from the polls, BUY GAS!       (11-7-06)

* I voted, then I puked.       (11-7-06)

* Put lots of champagne on ice. You're gonna need it either way.       (11-7-06)

* EXIT STRATEGY: they execute Saddam, we declare victory, then proudly withdraw as liberators while hired Iraqi children shower the troops with rose petals.       (11-6-06)

* Allow me to clarify: the Saddam verdict being handed down only moments before midterm elections was purely coincidental. It was the Iraqi government's decision. And, we all know that in a democracy, another democracy can not, by law, have any influence over that country for partisan political gain. Why, that would be like disregarding the Constitution or the Geneva Conventions.       (11-6-06)

* Taking a page from the Howard Dean playbook, a jubilant George Bush shrieks, "When Saddam swings, freedom rings!"       (11-6-06)

* "I am a deceiver and a liar," proclaims fallen Pastor Ted, thus cementing his legacy as the perfect Republican.    (PLEASE remember that tomorrow, y'all.)    (11-6-06)

* Saddam to be hanged from beam in Senate; will air on C-SPAN       (11-5-06)

* God, I wish there was a gigantic statue of Bush we could topple with a Hummer and chain.       (11-5-06)


* Dear White House: please explain to me again how you've made us so secure when there were directions for making nuclear weapons available on your very own government website for all the world to see.       (11-4-06)

* Wouldn't it be Rapturous if we could investigate and dismiss Bush and Cheney as swiftly as Haggard's megachurch dispatched his sorry ass?       (11-5-06)

* Log Cabin Republicans stand "behind" Pastor Ted   (Sorry.)    (11-4-06)

* Republicans have values all right, just not any moral or ethical ones.       (11-4-06)

*The Republicans campaign under a new banner: "Gay Massage YES, Gay Marriage NO!"       (11-4-06)

* It's a tribute to gay hookers across this great nation that one has come forward to spank the neocons.       (11-4-06)

* Coming soon to a bumper near you: Self-Destructin' Republican        (11-4-06)

* Suddenly, the White House disavows close ties to Pastor Ted Haggard, you know, just like "Kenny-Boy" Lay.       (11-4-06)

* Praise the Lord and pass the Kleenex, Edna! Pastor Ted Haggard has swooped down to save the Democrats from John Kerry!       (11-3-06)

* Can't you just hear Pastor Haggard pleading in his best Bill Clinton voice, "I never had sexual relations with that man!"       (11-3-06)

* I, for one, would be greatly relieved if Bush just came out and admitted that he takes a daily hit of LSD.       (11-3-06)

* What could be more insulting to OUR TROOPS than having them die in vain?       (11-2-06)

* Republicans: Kerry's all you got?! His verbal faux pas didn't kill 654,000 Iraqis and over 3000 GI's. Care to apologize?       (11-2-06)

* Yeah, neocons, like Kerry's "botched joke" legitimizes "botched Iraq."        (11-2-06)

* Tony Snow makes me miss Scott McClellan.       (11-2-06)

* Despite the delusional "November Surprise" the Republicans think they've scored, death is STILL a way of life in Iraq. THAT is NO surprise at all.       (11-2-06)

* John Kerry didn't just "Swift-Boat" himself, did he?       (11-2-06)

* If the Republicans prevail, you can throw AA out the window.       (11-1-06)

* Send Bush, Cheney, and Rove to repair the Hubble.       (11-1-06)

* Sh*t, Senator Kerry, if you had this many balls in '04, you'd be President, and we'd never be in Iraq.       (11-1-06)

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