Shot Off The Press
August 2006

* The President comes out swingin': "We shall win the war on terror and convert the world to Christianity in the process."       (8-31-06)

* The Bush Administration: "Creating War for You and Me"       (8-31-06)

* bloodshit: engaging in bloodshed for bullshit reasons: Through disgraceful leadership, the US is mired in unspeakable bloodshit.       (8-31-06)

* Ladies and gentlement, allow me to introduce our Secretary of Defense, Donazi Rumsfeld       (8-31-06)

* Care for a side of Islamic Fascism with that hubris, Mr. President?       (8-31-06)

* The Bush Administration: "Always at the ready to justify every debacle in hindsight"       (8-31-06)

* Rumsfeld actually thinks he's re-fighting WWII.       (8-31-06)

* Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, and Rice are... The RePONZIcans!        (8-31-06)

* Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: call me morally and intellectually confused, but I think you're a terrorist-making factory, Jack.        (8-30-06)

* Happy Anniversary on your continuing Katrina Fiasco, Mr. President.       (8-29-06)

* President Bush will particiapte in the New Orleans "Heckuva Job, Brownie" Days Celebration by shoveling dirt onto a levee. Barbara Bush will be serving cake.       (8-28-06)

* Haven't heard much from the Vice President lately: he must be up to his eyeballs reloading shells.       (8-28-06)

I'll be back on Monday, August 28th. Thanks for reading, folks. -grant

* Demoting Pluto to a Dwarf is just plain Goofy.       (8-24-06)

* Out soon: "Defending SATAN: My Unending Adoration for President George W. Bush~A Love Story" by Harriet Miers, published by Dumblican Books       (8-23-06)

* George "The Armageddonizer" Bush is Lord of the Rapturepublicans        (8-23-06)

* His Lowness, Emporer Bush: "If we withdraw before the job is done, the enemy will follow us here." First of all, YOU are the enemy, and you're already here. Second, what job are you referring to: the complete annihilation of Iraq and the Middle East? Seems like that job is done.       (8-23-06)

* The only difference between George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden: height.       (8-22-06)

* The new White House Imperialist Strategy: "We keep defending every f***up until we actually believe we've done nothing wrong and everything right, as God intended."        (8-22-06)

* When President Bush and his entourage fly on Air Force One, I prefer to call them "Snakes on a Plane."       (8-21-06)

* VOTE Joe Lieberman ~ Evanjewlical Demopublican for Congress       (8-20-06)

* I'm mad as hell and movin' to Crawford.       (8-20-06)

* The Neocon credo: "We stand behind the President Wrong or Wrong."       (8-19-06)

* Young Republican Nimrods for Bush       (8-19-06)

* Muslims just don't get it: we give them democracy and they elect terrorists. What part of nation-building don't they understand?       (8-19-06)

* Imperialism means never having to say you're sorry.       (8-19-06)

* A boon to Hippies: new airline security measure forces female passengers to fly braless       (8-19-06)

* Bush = HIV: He Incites Violence       (8-19-06)

* How in the hell can we feel safer when the whole world hates us? That's feeling safer?       (8-19-06)

* It's so weird: the people of the Mideast are speaking democratically, and it's all about hating the US and Israel. Chaos Accomplished.       (8-19-06)

* The President weighs in on the Pluto-planet furor: "He's my favorite Disney character!"       (8-19-06)

* The President on a Harley? What an insult to badass biker-dudes everywhere.       (8-18-06)

* Fly Naked       (8-18-06)

* George W. Bush: intellectual he ain't.       (8-18-06)

* Joe Lieberman is Dick Cheney in sheep's clothing.       (8-18-06)

* George W. Bush: "The Great American Root Canal"   (Many thanks to Spike Gerver.)    (8-18-06)

* Outraged by a federal judge's ruling banning warrantless wiretapping, the President, citing "Liberal Activist Judge Executive Privilege," vows to disregard it.        (8-17-06)

* I've never felt more unsafe. BOOYAH!       (8-17-06)

* I live on the edge: I snuck a tube of lip balm on an airplane.       (8-17-06)

* Homeland Security mandates that all Americans must feel safer, or they'll be put on surveillance.       (8-17-06)

* Bush & Israel say Israel won. Iran & Syria say Hezbollah won: WE'RE GOIN' INTO OVERTIME!       (8-16-06)

* Not knowing his mic was on, the President proclaims, "This imperialism and nation-building thing's a big fat Texas bitch!"       (8-16-06)

* Another "Legacy" moment: President Ignoramus acknowledges the War on Terror will go on for years (thanks to him).       (8-16-06)

* Suddenly, there's talk about the threat of a global water shortage looming, even here in the US. How can that be? We'll just make more. DUH.       (8-16-06)

* EXTRA! EXTRA! President George W. Bush ends Middle East War; greeted as liberator; rose petals strewn at feet upon entering White House       (8-15-06)

* Britain, US lower threat level to "EXTREMELY HORRENDOUS"       (8-15-06)

* Bush officially declares Israel the winner. That oughta' calm Mideast waters.       (8-15-06)

* George W. Bush: "The Oy Vey President"       (8-15-06)

* Airline officials concede the only safe way to fly is with anesthetized passengers       (8-12-06)

* Real bad news: "Terrorism for Dummies" is published.       (8-12-06)

* Oh my God, I hope no terrorists are reading this, but what if they were to ingest explosives, board the plane, and then jump up and down mid-flight?!        (8-12-06)

* That is so rich, Bush calling terrorists "Islamic Fascists." First of all, he doesn't even know what it means (most Islamic peoples are neither fascists NOR terrorists), and second, he's a complete "Christian Fascist," himself.       (8-12-06)

* George W. Bush: "Freedoms' Abortionist"       (8-12-06)

* Build it and they will come: that's pretty much the story in Iraq. Bush and Cheney built "Ground Zero" for terrorists, and boy, have they come.       (8-12-06)

* The words on every American's lips: "WHY FLY?"       (8-11-06)

* At the risk of seeming draconian, Homeland Security foists same rules for air travel on drivers       (8-11-06)

* George Bush blamed for middle-finger arthritis epidemic        (8-11-06)

* President Hans Christian Andersen says, "This country is safer than it was prior to 9/11." Now that's one hell of a fairy tale.        (8-11-06)

* Suddenly, Cheney and Rove are slobbering all over Joe Lieberman. I smell   Iraq   a rat.       (8-11-06)

* George W. Bush: "The Great Inciter"        (8-11-06)

* Airline carriers hand out gum instead of sodas; stewardesses cheer new move       (8-11-06)

* Airline passengers fear dehydration        (8-11-06)

* The new cottage industry: fluid-less toothpaste, sunscreen, hand lotion, and water       (8-11-06)

* "Securidoxical": bolstering and multiplying the very enemy you're trying to conquer, sacrificing security and safety along the way: George Bush's Global War on Terror is extremely securidoxical.       (8-11-06)

* It all boils down to this: The Bushlamics vs. The Islamics       (8-11-06)

* You know he's thinkin' it: "Oh Goody! More terrorist plots to take everyone's attention off me, the polls, Iraq, the Middle East, Katrina, my rich oil buddies... everybody's scared shitless! I love it! Hell, I can stay in Crawford at least a month!"       (8-11-06)

* Giving up all my carry-on fluids makes me feel safer than a babe in the womb.       (8-11-06)

* TSA WARNING #1: All airline passengers must now be quarantined at an authorized airport holding facility 24 hours before their flight. Enjoy your trip.       (8-10-06)

* TSA WARNING #2: All airline passengers must travel in a swimsuit only. Checked baggage and carry-on items will no longer be permitted: just you and a swimsuit. Enjoy your flight.       (8-10-06)

* Pray for Global Cooling       (8-10-06)

* "TAOorrism": the Zen of nation-building.       (8-10-06)

* Today's weather: cloudy with a 100% chance of violence.       (8-10-06)

* Contractors of the world: Lebanon has killer deals on crushed rock.       (8-9-06)

* Hey, Floyd Landis, help us out: can you spare the Democratic Party a gallon or two of testosterone? They're gonna need it.       (8-9-06)

* Calling all affected Texans: WRITE-IN TOM DELAY!       (8-9-06)

* I'll tell ya what's NOT FAIR: Tom DeLay is forced to remain ON the ballot while his good friend, Bob Ney, is forced to take himself OFF the ballot. Oh, the humanity of it all!       (8-8-06)

* "NEYsayers United for a Corrupt Government"       (8-8-06)

* The Middle East: a rose-petal-cakewalk-last-throes extravaganza!       (8-8-06)

* Bush is 2-for-2 and batting a 1000: civil war in Iraq, and possibly Lebanon. That ole "Mission Accomplished" thing keeps coming back like acid reflux.       (8-8-06)

* I wonder if the Bush's took their new neighbor, Cindy Sheehan, some "welcome vittles?"       (8-7-06)

* Okay, I won't blame Bush for the Middle East meltdown. But, I will give him all the credit for it. How's that for a "spinjob?"       (8-6-06)

* Bush's Democratic poodle, Joe Lieberman, seems to be going down in flames. Just chalk it up to Connecticut sectarian voter violence.       (8-5-06)

* If Rumsfeld resigns, Bush will pick Ahmad Chalabi to be his successor.       (8-5-06)

* Hoping to atone for his anti-Semitic sins, Mel Gibson joins the Kinky Friedman campaign.       (8-5-06)

* The Bush administration: what a horrific "Fecalamity."       (8-5-06)

* Cheney's "last throes" have intelligently designed themselves into civil war, it would most likely be a mild one.       (8-5-06)

* Rumsfeld assures Congress that although there may be civil war, it would most likely be a mild one.       (8-4-06)

* Support Our Whipping the Middle East into a Frenzy       (8-4-06)

* "Violent Islamic Extremists for Rumsfeld" gleefully thanks the Secretary for its ever-increasing success: "We could never have done it without your consistent arrogant ignorance."    (with an assist from Spike Gerver)    (8-3-06)

* Bush's Cent Comm generals and the British Ambassador to Iraq even admit a civil war is looming. So, Rove spins it: "MISSION IRAQI CIVIL WAR ACCOMPLISHED!"       (8-3-06)

* How long till we start seeing this: World War III Veteran       (8-3-06)

* "I'm dreaming of a  white  Cuban-cigar Christmas..."       (8-3-06)

* Doctors still unable to locate Bush's brain during annual physical: "It's there somewhere," states befuddled physician. "Maybe we're just not looking in the right place."        (8-2-06)

* Bush's doctors say he's fit as a fiddle and ready to lead America right into The Rapture.       (8-2-06)

* George, Iraqi President Talabani is showing you the door. Are you man enough to take it? (Dumb question.)        (8-2-06)

* "No Munchie Left Behind" Diplomacy: desperate for a breakthrough, Rove and Limbaugh press Bush to offer all Middle Easterners free marijuana.       (8-2-06)

* Condoleezza unveils the new White House Middle East Peace Plan: "CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?"       (8-1-06)

* The Democrats unite to urge Bush to begin withdrawing troops this year. Testosterone injections have obviously done the trick.       (8-1-06)

* You can't blame Big Oil for rising gas prices any more than you can blame Philip Morris for smoking, Halliburton for flagrant no-bid contracts, or Bush for Iraq.        (8-1-06)

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