Shot Off The Press
June 2006

* The doctor says my uncontrollable anal twitching is caused by severe neoconitis.       (6-30-06)

* I could sure use a good revolution.       (6-30-06)

* It's not that Rush Limbaugh has a bogus prescription for Viagra that's troubling. That he needs it at all is inspiring.       (6-28-06)

* Claiming it's bad PR, major oil companies force gas stations to stop displaying prices       (6-28-06)

* Think about it: you can't smoke anywhere anymore, and you can't burn a flag anywhere anymore. What's next, farting?       (6-28-06)

* You can shoot someone in the face, but you can't burn the flag?       (6-28-06)

* George W. Bitch is whining because he's being challenged on his obscene abuse of power and for ignoring the very laws HE signs. When's it gonna be "game over" for this shmuck?       (6-28-06)

* Hurry and burn a flag while you still can!       (6-28-06)

* Gonzales interprets Freedom of Speech to mean freedom to prosecute those who "overuse" it.       (6-28-06)

* George W. Bush is living proof that really low IQ guys DO have a chance.       (6-27-06)

* Alberto Gonzales treats the Constitution like it's a pinata.       (6-27-06)

* I think it's finally hit home: we have FASCISTS trying to work within a DEMOCRATIC framework. We're doomed       (6-27-06)

* Bush just hates it when leakers out his secret spying programs: "I'm the decider and I can do any illegal thing I want if it's for the good of the richest American people."       (6-26-06)

* There's enough continuous bloodshed and violence that, if corralled properly, could emerge into WORLD CUP WAR, to be fought every four years. The winning country would be awarded The World Cup with a gold head in it.       (6-26-06)

* You don't think Bush would suddenly withdraw some token troops, claiming huge progress in Iraq, just prior to the ELECTIONS IN NOVEMBER, do you?        (6-26-06)

* To make up for past blunders, Rumsfeld asks for 2.7 million more "boots on the ground" by Tuesday.       (6-23-06)

* Bush and Cheney apply for military service credit for fighting War on Terror       (6-23-06)

* I always thought you rendered lard, not humans.       (6-23-06)

* In an effort to buoy his base's sagging morale, Dick Cheney will donate a hundred dollars to "Neocon Youth Camp" for each contract the government awards Halliburton.       (6-23-06)

* The Republican motto: "When the going gets tough, the tough get praying and/or taking millions from Abramoff"       (6-23-06)

* I know, let's bring the troops home as soon as the last terrorist is captured, rendered, and tortured.       (6-23-06)

* Although the wheels have come completely off the White House wagon, she keeps on a' plowin' steadily backwards.       (6-23-06)

* Say it ain't so! You mean to tell me pious Ralph Reed was paid 4 mill by Jack Abramoff? Another Evangelical bites the dust.       (6-23-06)

* So, the Earth's hotter than it's been in 2000 years? Probably a good thing: Bush and his "neocronies" can begin acclimating to their descent into hell.       (6-23-06)

* NucleaRapture       (6-22-06)

* If North Korea launches a nuke, the good news is we can all pretty much kiss off the diet.       (6-22-06)

* The President finally caves: "We will shut down Guantanamo...just as soon as the War on Terror is 'Mission Accomplished'."       (6-22-06)

* The terrorists' greatest ally, George W. Bush, is nurturing the very butchers he thinks he's defeating.       (6-22-06)

* Scapegoats needed: if any troops murdered innocent Iraqis, they deserve to pay the price. BUT, so do the ultimate murderers: those assholes at
BUSH, INCORPORATED.       (6-22-06)

* The White House Family Tree: Turd Blossom > Turd Decider > Turd Shotgunner > Turd Dominatrix > Turd Defender.       (6-21-06)

* Speaking of security, don't you just feel SSSSAFER by the day?       (6-21-06)

* You can't have a withdrawal timetable if the dang "leader" can't tell time.       (6-21-06)

* A message to you big badass Evangelical hawks: has it ever occurred to you that the way to spread freedom and democracy is through PEACE? I didn't think so.       (6-21-06)

* Those who gut our Country deserve to be gutted themselves.       (6-21-06)

* Gut-check time: will any of you still admit to voting for the bastard?       (6-20-06)

* Here's a bumper sticker you'll never see: "Homeless Families for Bush"       (6-20-06)

* The Bush administration is an assault on America, period. We're just peaceful insurgent patriots defending our Country against hostile invaders.       (6-20-06)

* We're witnessing the end of our civilization: what part of "the Constitution frying in a pan" don't you understand?       (6-20-06)

* I went to a Wal*Mart and learned to speak Chinese. Cool.       (6-20-06)

* The Bush administration: Weapons of Mass Corruption       (6-20-06)

* Iraq, and a million other blunders and transgressions are proof that God certainly ain't on OUR side.       (6-20-06)

* Rove's mission, now that he's offically not a crook, is to completely deny, and distance the White House from all scandals, corruption, indictments, and convictions. Go get 'em, Turd Blossom.       (6-20-06)

* The Problem with Republicans and Democrats is... Republicans and Democrats       (6-19-06)

* It's so obvious God wants Bush to invade North Korea.       (6-19-06)

* Paul is not only NOT DEAD, he's 64! Happy Birthday, Sir Paul.       (6-18-06)

* Has it ever occurred to you that America is becoming more like China everyday? Can you spell "repressive government?"       (6-18-06)

* Remarking on the 2500th US troop death in Iraq, the President sounds a consoling note: "It's nothing compared to Vietnam."       (6-16-06)

* To his chagrin, President Bush creates the largest Marine Sanctuary believing it's in honor of the Marine Corps.       (6-16-06)

* Bush calls for "incremental tolerance" of gays, Hispanics, and his ultra-successful war.       (6-16-06)

* Halliburton gets no-bid contract to build border fencing and to "monitor" immigration.       (6-16-06)

* Okay, "Baghdad Badass" Bush, where's that sweetheart Iraqi oil deal you promised Cheney?       (6-16-06)

* Bush, Iraq, FEMA, Rove, and S**T all have 4 letters: coincidence or conspiracy?       (6-15-06)

* The President sounds off on Iraq: "There'll be more violence, but we're making incremental progress. I understand that Americans are alarmed by the violence they see on TV. But, it's not that bad. Why, I had a felafel when I visited Baghdad and it really tasted good."       (6-15-06)

* Steelers' Roethlisberger vows to come back and play helmetless        (6-14-06)

* The American Flag, like the Constitution, has become Bush's whore.       (6-14-06)

* Well hallelujah, it's Flag Day. I ain't flyin' mine.       (6-14-06)

* When you think about it, there's really no way Rove would out a CIA agent. That WUSS just had somebody else do it.       (6-14-06)

* Sing this to your favorite rock tune: "Bush shows up in Baghdad, Rove escapes the noose, there's just so many more chances, that we'll all get screwed..."       (6-14-06)

* Ann Coulter for President---of Hell!   (Many thanks to Karl Azid, Rolling Stones Inc.)    (6-13-06)

* The new wonder drink: beer + coffee = Beerffee™       (6-13-06)

* Cheney declares al-Zarqawi "the last throe," officially ending the insurgency.       (6-11-06)

* After U.S. autopsy, Zarqawi body parts will hit eBay.       (6-10-06)

* That merciless animal, Zarqawi, deserves no credit whatsoever for all the grotesque misery he has caused. That merciless animal, Bush, deserves no credit whatsoever for all the grotesque misery he has caused.       (6-9-06)

* Hark! We have found the "Weapons of Mass Zarqawi !"       (6-9-06)

* Bush ratings are low, interest in corruption and war crimes is high. Solution: kill Zarqawi.        (6-9-06)

* Do you think Zarqawi's grossly overhyped importance and his subsequent execution were nothing more than a carefully orchestrated Bush stunt? I mean, what wouldn't Rove, Inc. stoop to?       (6-9-06)

* Please go to my favorite site, All Hat No Cattle, and read "UNREPORTED: THE ZARQAWI INVITATION" by Greg Palast. Then, grab a strong drink.       (6-9-06)

* The President feels his oats: "With the elimination of Zarqawi, I believe we'll see a self-sufficient Iraqi democracy before The Rapture begins."       (6-9-06)

* Disgraced Senator Tom DeLay finally bids a long-overdue farewell with one cane firmly around his neck and another firmly up his...        (6-9-06)

* Hey Arlen, keep whacking Dick.       (6-9-06)

* John Bolton: what a "neoshmuck" UN ambASSador you've turned out to be.       (6-9-06)

* George W. Bush: the moron's moron.       (6-9-06)

* All right, we got Zarqawi: MISSION F'ING ACCOMPLISHED, already. Now can you just bring the troops home and worry about gay weddings, abortions, Social Security, and tax breaks for your rich friends, yada, yada, yada? We need to give the whole damn world a breather.       (6-8-06)

* Rove has Bush change the reason we went to war: "I am declassifying this information for the American people: we actually went to war to get Zarqawi in the first place. We just couldn't let y'all know till now."       (6-8-06)

* One Zarqawi down, one Osama to go.       (6-8-06)

* Never one to give up easily, the President tries killing two birds with one stone: "We must pass immigration reform. I am adding a provision that forbids gay illegals from marrying."       (6-8-06)

* Wouldn't the Constitution be cuter if it were the Konstitution, you know, to honor K-Street and the entire neocon racket?       (6-8-06)

* Some pundits act as if the Republicans can prevail in November after all. Great. More fabulous writing material as we wind our way toward extinction.       (6-8-06)

* George W. Bush, in possibly his finest moment: "The survival of our very own Christian democracy depends almost entirely on banning gay marriage and flag-burning."        (6-7-06)

* Credible leak has Bush liberating Iran, Somalia, North Korea.       (6-7-06)

* Terry Schiavo's doctor, Bill Frist, is hell-bent on saving the institution of holy matrimony from gay evildoers who, if left unchecked, could turn the whole country gay.       (6-7-06)

* The United States of America: "WE'RE in the freedom business, damnit."        (6-7-06)

* Iran is yanking our chain bigtime. Have you ever seen a more pathetic country make a superpower look so stupid?       (6-7-06)

* As we descend ever lower into the "Bush Black Hole," this more-than-disturbing article by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. ought to ruin your day. Cheers.    (Thanks to Lisa Casey's ALL HAT NO CATTLE for this mind-boggler.)    (6-4-06)

* Happy "Bushday" to the Greatest Satanic President our Country has ever known.       (6-6-06)

* George W. "HomophoBush" is such a queer dude, isn't he?       (6-6-06)

* The Global War on Natural Disasters: the President readies plan to "halt and defeat" hurricanes, tsunamis, tornadoes, volcanoes, and earthquakes before they occur. Calls for establishment of "Department of Globeland Security."       (6-6-06)

* Hell, ban ALL marriage while you're at it.       (6-6-06)

* I hate to say it, but that murdering terrorist Osama has really kicked America's ass right where it hurts the most: in the pocketbook. He knew Bush would overreact. And, it could end up costing us our Country...just the way he planned it.       (6-5-06)

* If It Ain't Brokeback, Don't Fix It.       (6-5-06)

* I'm glad the President is kissing the religious-right's butt again. I just love to visualize his lips on their asses.       (6-5-06)

* Looks like Iran has us by the "barrels."       (6-4-06)

* Eating beaucoups of doo-doo in Iraq, The Great Decider does what he does best: shifts the battlefront to gay marriage.       (6-4-06)

* WHAT?!?! The Iraqi Government doesn't buy the U.S. probe exonerating U.S. troops for the raid on Ishaqi?! And, after ALL WE'VE DONE
TO FOR THEM!        (6-4-06)

* Bush makes the case for an amendment to ban same-sex marriage: "If both my parents were guys, I wouldn't even be here!"       (6-3-06)

* Just because American troops have killed Iraqi babies doesn't mean they wouldn't have been capable of hurling nuclear grenades.        (6-3-06)

* While unfortunate, murdering children is okay if it's in the name of spreading freedom. Plus, it's not like they're American children or anything.       (6-3-06)

* The Iraqis hate us so much, it won't be long until the troops have to run for their lives. Bush will have to retreat, tail between his legs, declaring victory all the while. Yeah, "Mission Accomplished," punk.       (6-3-06)

* America the Doubtful       (6-2-06)

* We need a better "Decider."       (6-2-06)

* John McCain, you fall-well, man.       (6-2-06)

* I'm feeling like it's the "Damnocrats."DONT DO IT HILLARY       (6-2-06)

* Have you listened to the Stones' "Street Fighting Man" lately? Let's roll.       (6-2-06)

* Clinton just dipped his cigar into a willing Monica. But he WAS effective nonetheless. Bush doesn't even know what a cigar is.       (6-2-06)

* I can't believe W's still standing.       (6-2-06)

* Haditha and Basra are two more great examples like the "Miracle of Tal Afar."        (6-2-06)

* "What the Bush?" is the newest cliche circling the globe.        (6-2-06)

* Sure glad our troops are going be taking moral value lessons. Yeah, they're flying Tom DeLay in to be the presenter.       (6-2-06)

* The levees in New Orleans are all "Bushed-up": they can't hold water worth a dam.       (6-2-06)

* Luckily, the violence in Iraq vindicates our presence. I doubt we'll be there for more than a few decades.       (6-1-06)

* Thank goodness for FOX: news for assholes by assholes.       (6-1-06)

* George W. Bush ushers in the "Era of Dumbplomacy."       (6-1-06)

* We've got to blindly support our President in a time of war. Otherise, it could get ugly.       (6-1-06)

* What's more American than fleecing a city dry through a baseball scam and invading a country for one's own personal gain? That's our W.        (6-1-06)

* Don't like the way our Country's heading? Move to Switzerland. Hey, that's not a bad idea.       (6-1-06)

* Okay, the U.S.A.'s not perfect. It's the price we pay for partial freedom.       (6-1-06)

* Peons like us don't deserve to make a mint like Halliburton, and Enron. We're just not worthy.GO FOR OGRE MAGI WITH BLOODLUST!!!       (6-1-06)

* We've got to rally around the President. If we don't, who will? Well, come to think of it, I won't.       (6-1-06)

* Haditha is no equal to My Lai. Hell, only 24 unarmed and innocent men, women, and children were butchered. I mean, we got Saddam, didn't we?       (6-1-06)

* It's so reassuring to hear that President Bush is disgusted by the Haditha Massacre. Only problem is, he caused it.       (6-1-06)

* Sure, the economy's kickin' ass. But for WHO?       (6-1-06)

* Where's Harriet Miers when we need her?       (6-1-06)

* Wouldn't you just love it if Alberto Gonzales had a pack of illegal alien kin in the U.S.?       (6-1-06)

* When in doubt, torture. That's the American way.       (6-1-06)

* What's the big deal about torture anyway? A thumbscrew here, a water-boarding there. Can't you handle the truth?       (6-1-06)

* Anonymous sources confirm that Cindy Sheehan will be sent to GITMO.       (6-1-06)

* Blasphemy is next to Godliness.       (6-1-06)

* God, could we ever use another Boston Tea Party.       (6-1-06)

* How about a tax refund option that goes to impeach the president?       (6-1-06)

* There's so much corruption in the White House we might as well quit paying taxes. Think about it.       (6-1-06)

* George W. Bush is causing many a pastor to sweat in his pulpit.       (6-1-06)

* Okay, we invaded Iraq, so now we own it. Maybe in some perverted way it'll end up being a great real estate investment.       (6-1-06)

* George W. Bush just might be the reason a whole lot more of us aren't going to hell after all.       (6-1-06)

* Athiests for Bush       (6-1-06)

* George W. Bush is absolute proof that there is no God.       (6-1-06)

* Good for you, Mr. Vice President: Cheney puts shotgun that shot friend's face off on ebay to raise funds for midterms       (6-1-06)

* It's like Iran doesn't respect us or something. I thought we were the baddest.       (6-1-06)

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