Shot Off The Press
May 2006

* Get off your high horse about criticizing the War. It makes Memorial Day that much more meaningful.       (5-31-06)

* Good news abounds: the more murders in Iraq, the closer we are to Cheney's "last throes of the insurgency."       (5-31-06)

* Just because more multi-fatality bombings occurred this month than in any other since the war began doesn't mean we aren't still cleaning clock in Iraq. Of COURSE we are.       (5-31-06)

* Murtha says it's time to redeploy. That's good enough for me.       (5-30-06)

* We must honor our war dead by continuing to kill more soldiers in an illegal war that we're losing. Makes sense to me.       (5-30-06)

* Disgrace knows no better friend than the Bush administration.       (5-30-06)

* This Memorial Day should never have had to include our troops who gave their lives in Iraq.       (5-29-06)

* The Haditha Massacre and the investigation into what really happened to Pat Tillman ought to be Bush's waterloo. Or, will they be trivialized into "little bumps on the road to spreading freedom?"        (5-29-06)

* Visualize Bush, Cheney, Rove, & Rumsfeld strapped to polygraph machines on live national TV, and WE'RE asking ALL the questions.       (5-29-06)

* I just hope like hell Barry Bonds is a Bush-loving Republican.       (5-29-06)

* President Truman Bush, I've just got to ask: if you fancy yourself to be like President Harry Truman, why is it the buck never stops at YOU, pal?       (5-29-06)

* I'm telling you, we have got to get rid of that Vietnam War Hero, Congressman Jack Murtha. This antiwar hooligan acts as if he's ungrateful for the noble War on Terror.        (5-29-06)

* President Bush calls for the creation of The Department of Homeland Censorship.       (5-28-06)

* Once again citing "Executive Privilege in the name of national security," the President orders a blackout of all political news coverage, excepting FOX, until his term expires.       (5-28-06)

* Turns out the Dixie Chicks were right about Bush and the War all along. One of the most patriotic things a person can do, be they redneck or hippie, is to exercise their right to free speech. If "patriotic" right-wing country music fans read the Constitution half as much as they read the Bible, it wouldn't be such a foreign concept.       (5-28-06)

* George Bush is the Ken Lay of presidents, the White House being Enron.       (5-28-06)

* Let's not allow the Haditha Massacre to get blown way out of proportion by the liberal media. I mean, boys will be boys.       (5-28-06)

* The President has suggested that he and Harry Truman have a lot in common, as do he and Ronald Regan. According to him, they have a lot of similarities. I can't think of one.       (5-28-06)

* How come more and more soldiers are opposing the "The Lame War," even West Point grads?       (5-28-06)

* George Bush could never be a "monkey's uncle." No monkey would stand for it.       (5-28-06)

* Now the President has likened the War on Terror to the Cold War on Communism. Just like he tried to liken Iraq to the American Revolution. He's desperately trying to give it a shred of credibility, of which there was, is, and will be NONE.       (5-28-06)

* The "War on Terror" is nothing more than a Rovian myth; a sinister plot to bilk us out of our Constitutional guarantees.       (5-27-06)

* I used to scoff at preposterous conspiracy theories about 9/11. But after all I've witnessed, I wouldn't put anything past those White House "Hijackers of Liberty."       (5-27-06)

* The Haditha Massacre: the modern-day My Lai. But, I'm sure it'll just be classified as a "misstep" by Bush & Blair.       (5-27-06)

* Dear Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair: just because you acknowledge making cataclysmic mistakes doesn't mean you get to keep on making them, you jerk-offs.       (5-26-06)

* George & Tony sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G: your little lovefest has killed untold thousands, devastated a country, destabilized a region, and invited unending worldwide terror. HECKUVA JOB...       (5-26-06)

* Hoping to set the record straight, George Bush claims he never even heard of Ken Lay or Enron until just last year.        (5-25-06)

* In light of the Lay-Skilling guilty verdicts, we aren't forgetting the intensely cozy monetary connection between Enron and the Bush administration now, are we?       (5-25-06)

* Wait one damn minute here: you mean to tell me Jack Abramoff is now giving up Denny Hastert? He can't be corrupt, TOOOOOOOO, can he? Oh nooooooooo, Mr. Bill!       (5-25-06)

* The Great Decider decides there will no longer be separation of powers.       (5-25-06)

* Like, break out the munchies, Sunshine. That new pot study says it's a lot safer than they thought. (You know Circle K's gotta be lovin' it.)       (5-25-06)

* All right, out with it: which 30% of you morons who voted for W approves of the job he's doing? It's all you multi-millionaires, ain't it?!       (5-25-06)

* Bush and Abramoff's close buddy, David Safavian, is now on trial. He oughta' sing real purty! Jack baby, you're definitely the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving...       (5-25-06)

* I look to our Founding Fathers for guidance: they would crap in their pants (like I just did mine) at how Bush has squandered their legacy.       (5-24-06)

* If ever we needed a viable third party, the time is NOW. C'mon, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffett, make a difference.       (5-24-06)

* Never in our history have we risked our very existence like we have now. I'm starting a high council in my kitchen.       (5-24-06)

* Want an easy way out of your marriage? Join the National Guard.       (5-24-06)

* The U.S. military spread too thin? No way. Recruits are lining up at Rumsfeld's door.       (5-24-06)

* China: powered by Wal*Mart.       (5-24-06)

* Sure, it's okay to tap reporters' phones, or raid Congressional offices now. Bush has finally put the Constitution in its rightful place as the White House doormat.       (5-23-06)

* For the Bush administration, ARROGANCE IS BLISS.       (5-23-06)

* The United States Department of Homeland Securidee Doo-Dah Day       (5-23-06)

* Just what does "Damnesty" International mean by saying brutal terrorism is on the rise as the War on Terror fails?! Why, they oughta' be drawn and quartered (just not on U.S. or British soil).       (5-23-06)

* Amnesty International is once again critical of U.S. human rights abuses in the name of the "War on Terror." Boldly responding, Bush threatens Amnesty leaders with detention and/or rendition.        (5-23-06)

* Records show the Bush Family invested heavily in Iraqi Dinars just prior to invading.       (5-22-06)

* The President is said to be working feverishly behind the scenes to get Wal*Mart, Starbucks, Trader Joe's, Bed Bath & Beyond, and NASCAR into Baghdad.       (5-22-06)

* Never a big believer in logic, President Bush believes the mythical "War on Terror" is winnable if you can just get to that pesky fire-breathing dragon.        (5-22-06)

* Quit worrying about Iran. We'll just keep pissing them off and putting 'em down. What's the worst that could happen?       (5-22-06)

* On the heals of the formation of the first Iraqi government, George W. Bush gets real: "I am declaring a ban on all forms of terror. Any suicide bomber caught detonating an explosive device will be shot dead on the spot, no questions asked."        (5-21-06)

* Get out the asterisk kit, Martha: "BALCO-Babe" Bonds has hit 714.       (5-21-06)

* "SwashBushlers": the Administration is really nothing more than a bunch a' lyin', spyin', partyin', thievin', plunderin', pillagin', torturin', murderin' pirates on dry land.       (5-20-06)

* If we do close GITMO, just where would we be able to torture folks? Wait, I know: somewhere deep inside Mount Rushmore.       (5-20-06)

* The Three Gorges Dam: now that's real "Yangtze ingenuity" for ya.       (5-20-06)

* When the Three Gorges Dam is up and running, it'll provide enough power to run 75,000 Wal*Marts.       (5-20-06)

* All right! The Three Gorges Dam is nearly complete! So what if over a million people and 1200 towns were displaced and the water behind it is already heavily polluted. It's STILL mankind triumphing over the environment. They'll show Her!       (5-20-06)

* God, I hope Halliburton gets the border fencing contract.       (5-20-06)

* The President throws out the immigration welcome mat: "Se Habla Mexican. Welcome to Los Tostados Youneedus."       (5-19-06)

* I will boycott Mexican food every February 29th to protest the immigration fiasco.       (5-19-06)

* Somebody in the White House has got to make that damn evildoer Jack Murtha disappear. We don't need the truth, we need blind obedience.       (5-19-06)

* Mexicans furiously erect catapults in response to proposed new border fencing.       (5-19-06)

* TortuRepublicans       (5-18-06)

* Bush preemptively pardons Cheney, Rove, and Rumsfeld.       (5-18-06)

* Dang, just when the war in Iraq is going so well, Afghanistan has to rear its ugly head. So much for God being on our side.       (5-18-06)

* Can you believe the Feds are digging for Jimmy Hoffa again? Maybe they'll find the Weapons of Mass Destruction, too.       (5-18-06)

* Rove: "People like this president. They're just sour right now on the war." Translation: Americans like being screwed. They're just sour on getting boinked everyday.       (5-17-06)

* I just love the smell of a neocon indictment in the morning.       (5-17-06)

* Ah, I remember the good old days when Bush actually had an agenda.       (5-17-06)

* You don't suppose the media reports way more bad news than good in Iraq because there IS way more bad news than good, do ya?       (5-17-06)

* Maybe U.S. "Leakgate" Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald should consider a run for the presidency. Nah, too damned ethical.       (5-17-06)

* I'm just practicing: "Goodbye, Karl. Don't worry, there's plenty of jobs for architects in the prison system."       (5-17-06)

* Who ya gonna call?"       (5-17-06)

* George W. Bush, the orator's orator: "We are a Nation of laws, and we must enforce our laws." Tell me this guy wasn't a debate team captain!   ("We are a Nation of flaws, and we must enforce our flaws" is more like it.)    (5-16-06)

* "Immigrate, immigrate, dance to the music..."       (5-16-06)

* How about immediately converting all illegal immigrants into National Guard troops to monitor the border?       (5-16-06)

* Hoping to get the jump on hurricane season, the President orders 75-million-dollars worth of Girl Scout Cookies shipped to the Gulf Coast and Florida.       (5-16-06)

* When Karl Rove is indicted, I propose a National Holiday just for "Smartypants Liberals."   (His term, not mine.)    (5-15-06)

* Using the National Guard to fight illegal immigration: one step closer to THE DRAFT.       (5-15-06)

* The Constitution is a liberal instrument used to supress the Evangelical Right. That must be why they don't abide by it.       (5-15-06)

* We've already lost that GREAT Republican, Libby, and now they want our BELOVED Vice President?! It's a vast liberal conspiracy against arrogant, greedy, neocon criminals.    (Since when is it illegal to be arrogant & greedy?)    (5-15-06)

* Ghastly White House maggot infestation leaves staff stunned, disgusted.       (5-14-06)

* I went to bed in the middle class and woke up on the street.       (5-14-06)

* Official White House motto: "E Pluribus Screw 'Em"       (5-13-06)

* "This is Ted Farquar live at the Capitol: as the President and his inner circle are being frog-marched out of the White House in shackles, angry Americans at the scene are incredulously attempting to ram Constitutions up each offender's...well, I don't think we can say that on the air. Ted Farquar reporting live, now back to you."       (5-13-06)

* Growing desperately frantic for a diversion, President Bush orders a "National Day of Prayer" everyday for the rest of his tenure.       (5-13-06)

* Telephone companies no longer "Reach Out and Touch Someone." They "Reach Out and TAP Someone."    (Contributed by Karl Azid, Rolling Stones Incorporated.)    (5-13-06)

* Now, he's Senator John McFalwell. "The Chameleon" is whoever you want him to be.       (5-13-06)

* Time to lance the BushBoil.       (5-13-06)

* "Mommy, why is our Country so messed up? I'm scared." "Oh, little Nell, don't worry. We'll all probably die from the bird flu anyway. "       (5-13-06)

* Welcome to "The United Livid States of America"       (5-13-06)

* Got Resignation?       (5-13-06)

* Maybe the secret White House plan all along has been to corrupt and weaken the Nation so badly that illegal immigrants will want to return home.       (5-13-06)

* There aren't enough Medals of Freedom in the Universe to get you out of this debacle, George.       (5-13-06)

* The President's feeble lame-brain attempts at quelling the national eavesdropping furor are as believable as a teenage boy's promise to "pull out."       (5-13-06)

* The U.S.A. ~ "Too Ruptured for the Rapture"       (5-12-06)

* With "Tax-Cut-Slut" Bush's bitchen tax break, I'm gonna buy me a tube a' toothpaste and a canteloupe.        (5-12-06)

* Hey George, what don't we know, you Federal Fiasco?!       (5-12-06)

* The Great Decider has once again decided to stick it to us. Maybe a more accurate name would be "The Great Broomstick."   (Man, it hurts to sit down anymore.)    (5-12-06)

* It's getting so bad in our former country, America, that Bush has resorted to flaunting his blatant disregard for THE CONSTITUTION and THE LAW right IN OUR FREAKIN' FACES! WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE, PEOPLE?   (Lemme guess: Bush has already intercepted this.)    (5-12-06)

* What, you got a problem with Bush and the NSA tracking every call we make? You ungrateful unpatriotic bastard.       (5-11-06)

* Make sure you're hovering over a toilet bowl.       (5-11-06)

* Barry Bondsteroid insists on being called "Babe" Bonds.       (5-10-06)

* Lemme see if I got this right: more and more slaughtered Iraqis means we're making real progress, right?       (5-10-06)

* Memo to David Blaine: if you want to perform some truly meaningful magic, get us out of Iraq by turning Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, & Condi into peace-loving Hippies.       (5-10-06)

* Hoping to "get real with Americans at this important time in our Nation's history," The Great Decider admits we'll have to accept suicide bombings and wanton murder in Iraq through at least the year 2400.       (5-10-06)

* Welp, I'm over 50, so I've got to schedule my first   Bushoscopy   colonoscopy.       (5-10-06)

* Britney's pregnant, may ditch the husband, Nicole still loves Tom, Keith rocks 'n rolls on his head, not to mention Jessica & Nick...how's anyone sposed to get any work done around here?       (5-10-06)

* Prayer not only has zero benefit for heart patients, it obviously has exactly the same benefit for Bush's approval ratings. You Bush-lovers are just gonna have to try praying harder than hell. Then, we'll take another poll.       (5-9-06)

* You know, I've done my own poll, and Bush has sunk so low, no expletives can define this political rapist. He defies every vulgar description known to man.       (5-9-06)

* David Blaine is thee absolute king of risking life and limb for absolutely no reason. You know, just like Bush, except that he risks everybody else's lives and limbs.       (5-9-06)

* Ethanol = "Hybrids be damned, we can still drive our gas-guzzlers!!!"        (5-9-06)

* Officially reclassifying it as a fuel, President Bush asks all Americans not to eat corn so that it may be used for ethanol.        (5-9-06)

* Are Ken Lay and Tom DeLay related?       (5-8-06)

* Welcome to the CIA, General Michael Hayden. It shouldn't be too long till you receive your obligatory "Heckuva job, Mikey."       (5-8-06)

* "The Great Decider" proposes a 25 mph National Speed Limit as a way of coping with the gas crisis.       (5-7-06)

* Bush & Cheney declaring we must break our addiction to oil is like Philip Morris saying we must break our addiction to cigarettes.       (5-7-06)

* Hey, BIG OIL: SCREW YOU, I ain't buyin'!       (5-7-06)

* ExxonMobil beats hasty trail into motorcycle, bicycle markets; offers bike makers mega millions to shut down.       (5-7-06)

* "GOSSGATE," anyone?       (5-7-06)

* So, the likely successor to Goss is a real eavesdropping aficionado. Well, spy me a river.       (5-7-06)

* The Secret White House Strategy Paradigm: "Eat Shit and Lie"       (5-6-06)

* The term "Moral Values" has just been ordered stricken from any and all verbal or written Bush administration communications.       (5-6-06)

* Do you mean to tell me that yet another Republican Bush appointee could go down in humiliating disgrace? Luckily, he was only the head of the CIA.       (5-6-06)

* Jeeze-Louise! A CIA Director can't even attend poker-bribe- 'n-hooker parties anymore? What about our "Right to Scandalize?" It is a Bill of Rights freedom, ain't it?        (5-6-06)

* Now we've apparently been "BUSHBOOZLED" by Porter Goss. Oh yeah, I feel real freakin' safe and secure now.       (5-6-06)

* Bush takes "Intelligence" out of CIA, renaming it the "Central Decider Agency"       (5-6-06)

* Porter Goss couldn't stand his boss? Oh, I think there's a lot more to this "mystery" than meets the eye.       (5-5-06)

* Tom DeLay for the CIA       (5-5-06)

* Now listen here, you Rumsfeld-haters, quit heckling and picking on the man that keeps this War rolling on into eternity. Sure the guy's a liar, but you'll find no more PATRIOTIC liar than Don.       (5-5-06)

* Spouting, "You know what I can do with this thing!" Cheney brandishes shotgun at Russia.       (5-4-06)

* I'm gonna tell you the truthiness: Stephen Colbert would make thee most awesome Democratic presidential nominee.       (5-4-06)

* Ever "The Decider," President Bush reminds all the naysayers that he, and he alone, will decide when there's a civil war in Iraq.       (5-3-06)

* It's weird, dead bodies keep showing up all over Baghdad. Man, that democracy thing is sooooo messy.       (5-3-06)

* The Iraq invasion "may end up being one of the worst disasters in American foreign policy." -Former Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright   (Provided by Karl Azid, RSI)    (5-3-06)

* So, what ever happened to Social Security reform? A casualty of Lame Duck Flu?       (5-2-06)

* George, you're not "The Decider," buddy. If anything, you're "The Bankruptor."       (5-2-06)

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