Shot Off The Press
April 2006

* Neocons = Satanicons       (4-30-06)

* How in the hell is Tom DeLay doing anyway? It's like he's gone into hiding or something.        (4-30-06)

* We desperately need the Rapture to swoop down and take all the righteous neocons away so we can get on with having a chance at a viable Country again.       (4-30-06)

* Just out of morbid curiosity: is there a Democrat with any balls out there?       (4-30-06)

* You know, I'd be skeptical of the War, all the Republican corruption, blatant lying, illegal spying, money laundering, rampant leaking by the President, tax cuts for the wealthiest, unadulterated greed, insurmountable deficit & debt, nation-building, soaring gas prices, abandonment of Katrina victims, Medicare mayhem, and the overall rape, pillage, and plunder of our Country if it weren't for the fact that all these ultra right-wingers are such good Christians. (Otherwise, you might think they were traitors.)       (4-30-06)

* A democratic country just isn't condusive to the Dick Cheney style of governing. That's why he turned it into a fascist state.       (4-30-06)

* You DON'T protest the War or make disparaging remarks about Bush and the administration in a time of war. It aids the enemy. But wait, they ARE the enemy. I'm so confused.       (4-30-06)

* Halliburton begins selling hurricane insurance       (4-29-06)

* Paragon of virtue, right-wing elitist, and staunch supporter of jailing drug abusers, Rush Limbaugh buys his way out of what were certainly liberally-biased drug charges. Have another OxyContin and cry on William Bennett's shoulder, Rush. Virtue knows no better hypocrites than you two neocon rectums.       (4-29-06)

* I call on all Minutemen and decent vigilantes everywhere to sneak into Mexico. Give 'em a taste of their own medicine.       (4-29-06)

* My response to the Spanish version of "The Star Spangled Banner": I shall put a finger in each ear while singing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" at the top of my lungs!       (4-29-06)

* Here's my response to the big Immigrant Boycott on Monday: I shall buy no pinatas till Tuesday.       (4-29-06)

* Offer illegal aliens one million pesos to return to Mexico.       (4-29-06)

* Illegal immigration solution: outlaw beans and tortillas.       (4-29-06)

* Throw one of those fake sinister FBI/CIA parties for all illegal immigrants at the L.A. Coliseum and other major illegal alien strongholds, then bust 'em all. Deport 'em to New Orleans to build levees. Yeah, that's the ticket.        (4-29-06)

* Working hard to improve his oratory and image, George W. Bush bellows: "Ask not what the War on Terror can do for you. Ask what you can do for the War on Terror!"        (4-29-06)

* FEMA fix: Bush asks Congress to push back hurricane season.       (4-29-06)

* Fervently against oil addiction, the President nevertheless calls oil "the lubricant of democracy."       (4-29-06)

* Boldly answering critics, President Bush declares: "A lame duck can not be 'the decider.' I'm not only making decisive decisions for decisiveness everyday, but even if they're wrong decisions, I decide on that, too."       (4-29-06)

* The President seeks treatment: "Hello, my name is George, and I'm an oilaholic."       (4-28-06)

* Fresh from making virtually no difference in the gas crisis, President Bush urges development of "sky levees" that would reroute hurricanes away from the Gulf Coast.       (4-28-06)

* "No Oilman Left Behind"--Karl Azid, RSI       (4-27-06)

* FEMA will be replaced by BUSH: Bureau of Ultimately Secure Hurricanes       (4-27-06)

* Oil companies begin giving away thousands of free SUV's to their best gas-guzzling customers.       (4-27-06)

* Tony Snow relishes being Press Secretary for "an impotent embarrassment" of a President.       (4-27-06)

* Feeling the time is right, FOX's Murdoch purchases NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, CSPAN, COMEDY CENTRAL, SIRIUS, XM and others to be named later.       (4-27-06)

* Thank God & Jesus that George W. Bush doesn't have an oil addiction problem.        (4-27-06)

* The brave new Bush Gasoline Conservation Program: "I urge all Americans to use push mowers."       (4-27-06)

* "The Worst President in History? One of America's leading historians assesses George W. Bush."       

* Or, how about Carl Bernstein's Vanity Fair article calling for a Senate investigation into the entire Bush Presidency?      

* The Bush credo: "We broke it, we keep breakin' it, and there's no need to fix it."       (4-26-06)

* Soaring oil and gas prices are God's way of punishing Republicans.       (4-26-06)

* Saddam & Ahmadinejad: 2 doofus tyrants who got the third doofus, Bush, to bite, causing irreparable harm to the USA. (I have yet to see one lousy rose petal.)       (4-25-06)

* Do you ever get that sick, sinking feeling thinking "The United States sure was great while it lasted?"       (4-25-06)

* You've got 2 travel choices: siphon or hitchhike       (4-25-06)

* The good news about runaway gas prices: because of Bush's tax cuts, the super rich can still afford to buy all they like.       (4-25-06)

* There's just gotta be a place in the Bush administration for Tom Cruise.       (4-25-06)

* If you could just get a car to run on right-wing arrogance...       (4-23-06)

* Now come on, you can't blame gas prices on President Bush. Watch me.       (4-23-06)

* My bike never looked sooooo good.       (4-23-06)

* GasCo Mortgage: "Need a loan to buy gas? We're on it like Jumpin' Jack Flash!"       (4-23-06)

* Official Notice: Today's Earth Day will be the last.       (4-22-06)

* From ABC: "The U.S. government has charged Wen Yi Wang, a Chinese national who has lived in the United States for 20 years, with threatening Chinese President Hu Jintao on Thursday while he met with President Bush at the White House."   THAT UNPATRIOTIC BITCH! Exercising her right to FREE SPEECH has jeopardized our very well-being and THE WAR ON TERROR. (I'll bet she doesn't even have a yellow ribbon magnet on her car.)       (4-22-06)

* FREE SPEECH: "The Anti-Bush"       (4-22-06)

* JESUS CHRIST, that's one lousy President!       (4-22-06)

* We're ALL being "Bushodomized".       (4-22-06)

* Okay, if you can fire a CIA gal for leaking sensitive information, surely you can fire the President and his chronies for committing the very same crime.        (4-22-06)

* The President George W. Bush Story: "American Dildo"       (4-22-06)

* Don't look back, China might be gaining on you.       (4-22-06)

* Welcome to "The War of the WOILds"       (4-22-06)

* Chinese President Hu Jintao comes undone as Bush throws comedic karate chop his way.       (4-21-06)

* "China is my favorite Communist country," Bush gushes, hoping to woo Hu.       (4-21-06)

* Bush continues White House shakeup; moves West Wing to FOX News studios.   (Contributed by Karl Azid, RSI.)    (4-20-06)

* Laura Bush steps down as First Lady   (Contributed by Karl Azid, RSI.)    (4-19-06)

* My take on the big White House shakeup: when you shake up s**t, it's still s**t. Thank you.       (4-19-06)

* I nominate Sean Hannity for new Press Secretary.       (4-19-06)

* George W. Bush: "The Great DECIDER"       (4-18-06)

* One BOOB defends ANOTHER: "I pick the wars, AND, I pick the man to mismanage them."        (4-18-06)

* If George W. Bush nukes Iran, will Iranians throw rose petals at our feet?       (4-18-06)

* The Bush administration: spreading Greedom.       (4-18-06)

* Would you all get off the "Dump Rumsfeld" bandwagon already?! The guy botches one lousy war and you're all over him.       (4-18-06)

* George W. Bush standing behind Rumsfeld is like Satan sticking up for Lucifer.       (4-17-06)

* Criticizing the War is tantamount to criticizing capitalism (Halliburton).        (4-17-06)

* Donald Rumsfeld: arrogance over reason.       (4-17-06)

* Rally 'round Rumsfeld: all those dissenting generals are just part of the liberal media's conspiracy to weaken our war effort.       (4-17-06)

* The Bush Administration: like a ball-peen hammer to the nuts.       (4-16-06)

* Bush = bad acid.       (4-16-06)

* Hoping to lighten things up, Scooter Libby asks to be called "P. Libby."       (4-15-06)

* Yet another bold White House shakeup: Cheney resigns to take Rumsfeld's place. Rumsfeld becomes Vice President.       (4-15-06)

* It's Medal-of-Freedom time for Rumsfeld.       (4-15-06)

* "Heckuva job, Brownie" has just morphed into "Heckuva job, Rummy."        (4-15-06)

* The President gives an unequivocal vote of confidence to Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. How much more proof do you need that "Dingleberry Don" must go?       (4-15-06?

* I'll be damned! I think I just found a mobile weapons lab in my own backyard!!! It looks just like a red wagon with mud-pie making equipment.       (4-14-06)

* The Easter Bunny is real. There is no civil war in Iraq.       (4-14-06)

* In the wake of unpatriotic turncoat generals calling for the Secretary of Defense's resignation, Halliburton launches a giant pro-Rumsfeld media blitz.       (4-14-06)

* Bush is "Flawed Intelligence"!!!!   (Contributed by Karl Azid, Rolling Stones Incorporated)    (4-14-06)

* When you criticize the War, it's just like saying you're ungrateful for invading Iraq in the first place.       (4-14-06)

* So, what's the score in The War on Terror, anyways? Are we winning? What inning is it?       (4-14-06)

* In another drastic White House shakeup, Karl Rove is replaced by Tom DeLay.       (4-12-06)

* "We have found the weapons of mass destruction."--George W. Bush, May 29, 2003-- I'm tingling! Make sure to check out the picture of one of the two trailers found. I'm howling!!! LOL! Pretty gol-darned ominous! Mobile weapons lab? LOL. Weapons of mass destruction???!!! How about "useless trailer with some crap on it?!" Yeah, that's why we went to war. LOL!       (4-12-06)

* Having exhausted all spin options, a desperate White House plots the bombing of the Lincoln Memorial, made to look like the work of terrorists, to save their pathetic leader's ass.       (4-12-06)

* Forever seeking the truth, President Bush candidly explains to the American people that a true "civil war" can only take place between the Confederacy and the Union. Thus, a "civil war" in Iraq is impossible.   (Thank you, Karl Azid, RSI)    (4-12-06)

* Because he wants "people so see the truth," you'd think the President would gladly declassify the "weapons trailers" documents. It's all about truth, Bush baby!       (4-12-06)

* Tom DeLay's defense strategy: innocent by reason of religion.       (4-12-06)

* Republican theory: "What goes around, goes around."       (4-12-06)

* That does it! I'll never vote for George W. Bush again!       (4-12-06)

* The White House = CATASTROPHIC SYSTEM FAILURE       (4-12-06)

* W, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!       (4-11-06)

* White House staffers are forbidden from referring to "going to the bathroom" as "taking a leak."       (4-11-06)

* Actual Bush quote: "After we liberated Iraq, there was questions in people's minds about the basis on which I made statements, in other words, going into Iraq. So I decided to declassify the NIE for a reason. I wanted people to see what some of those statements were based on. I wanted people to see the truth and thought it made sense for people to see the truth. And that's why I declassified the document." See, the President is all about the truth. I am soothed beyond belief.        (4-11-06)

* President Bush: "Linguistics & Truth is ruling the day"       (4-11-06)

* Here's the President's weekly schedule: "M-F ~ More Hard Work"       (4-11-06)

* I do not get it! The President tells "the truth," and his approval ratings are still sinking. Is there no justice?!       (4-11-06)

* RepubLEAKans       (4-10-06)

* Terri's WATCHING...       (4-10-06)

* President "Boned Again" Bush assures Americans that covert plans to bomb Iran are "wild speculation." My ass!    (Inspired by Karl Azid, RSI)    (4-10-06)

* I feel it's time to revisit this recurring theme: we have a compulsive liar for a president. How Christian is that?       (4-10-06)

* Lay off President Leak-Speak. You make it sound like he's Hitler or something.       (4-9-06)

* If you're an illegal alien, raise your hand.       (4-8-06)

* How about relocating all illegals to South Dakota?       (4-8-06)

* A heady President draws the brilliant parallel between Abortion and Global Warming: "We, as Americans, have the Right to Life and the Right to Warm."       (4-8-06)

* Let's play the word-association game: You say, "Bush Adminsitration"...nine out of ten Americans say, "COLONOSCOPY!"       (4-8-06)

* Give credit where credit's due: they've got the permanent-tax-cuts-for-the-rich thing down to a science.       (4-8-06)

* President Bush takes the offensive on Global Warming: "We must not let this become a partisan fight. Rising temperatures are God's plan."       (4-8-06)

* Lie, cheat, steal, blaspheme the Constitution, deny, stonewall, corrupt, murder...that's our reality now. Get used to it.       (4-8-06)

* Doesn't the spirit of WHAT'S MORALLY RIGHT ever come into play with these White House scoundrels? Nah.       (4-8-06)

* Scott McClellan used to be Bush's mouthpiece. As of today, he has been officially declared "Bush's ASSpiece."       (4-8-06)

* Lyin' Leakin' Bastard Bush       (4-7-06)

* What Would Jesus Leak?       (4-7-06)

* Ever the chronic lying hypocrite, President Bush takes yet another LEAK on ALL AMERICANS. That's what SLIMEBALLS do.        (4-7-06)

* When will the AMERICAN PEOPLE be RID of the MOST CORRUPT LEADERSHIP in the NATION'S history? WHEN, DAMNIT!!!       (4-7-06)

* WE CAN'T AFFORD TO WAIT TILL 2008!       (4-7-06)

* DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M SHOUTING?       (4-7-06)

* How do you pay off a $60,000,000,000,000 debt? With the Rapture, silly.       (4-6-06)

* For every Jerk-State like South Dakota, there's a Kickass State like Wisconsin which symbolically voted to bring the troops home!       (4-6-06)

* John McCain, what on Earth's come over you, man? I'm thinkin' senility.       (4-6-06)

* Bush-shmush, war-shmore, politics-shmolitics. The biggest news in the last 15 years is that KATIE COURIC IS LEAVING "TODAY" FOR CBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       (4-5-06)

* Never fear, the Hammer can still run his CULTURE OF CORRUPTION from the outside (or the inside, if he gets prison time).       (4-5-06)

* CORepublicanRUPTION       (4-5-06)

* Iraq is now a democracy and the will of the people shall prevail. It's just that "the will of the people" means "Bush's people."       (4-5-06)

* God, what if we NEVER get to bring the TROOPS home?       (4-5-06)

* Tom DeLay cashes in chips to become televangelist       (4-4-06)

* Tom, please don't go! Terri needs YOU, man!       (4-4-06)

* Godspeed, Tom DeLay, you arrogant overreaching bastard. (Oops, is that too harsh?)       (4-4-06)

* Back to the bugs, Hammer-Boy. But, I just have to ask: how can you exterminate insects when you're such a right-to-lifer?       (4-4-06)

* "Former Congressman, Tom DeLay": Now, THAT has a wonderfully nice ring to it.       (4-4-06)

* I hope you're happy! Saint Tom is not only being crucified, he's being drawn and quartered.       (4-4-06)

* "Justice DeLayed" has finally become "Justice Applied."        (4-4-06)

* If Tom DeLay doesn't deserve a MEDAL OF FREEDOM, who does?!       (4-4-06)

* Tom Cruise said to be mulling run for DeLay seat       (4-4-06)

* Secretary Rice ashamed, sorry after whip falls from purse        (4-1-06)

* Hey, all you good, God-fearing NeoFascists: Jill Carroll wouldn't have been kidnapped if you lying conniving jerks hadn't gone to war IN THE FIRST PLACE! Jesus, get off her case, will YOU?!       (4-3-06)

* "Survive and You're a Citizen" immigration proposal would send all illegals straight to Iraq for military training.        (4-3-06)

* There were WMD's, Saddam equals 9/11, there's no CIVIL WAR, and we're winning the WAR ON TERROR. Now, that's CONSISTENCY.       (4-3-06)

* If Tom DeLay weren't such a great Christian, I'd think he might be guilty.       (4-3-06)

* On this April Fools' Day, let us pause and give thanks to the Bush Administration for whom this special occasion is so very fitting.       (4-1-06)

* Ever pandering to Hispanics, George Bush shows off his command of Spanish: "I just love boo-ree-toes and in-chee-lah-does!"       (4-1-06)

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