Shot Off The Press
March 2006

* I'm a loyal and dedicated   FUX   FOX News watcher.   (Contributed by Karl Azid Hancher, RSI)    (3-31-06)

* Out of curiosity, just how high must a fence be to keep your average illegal alien out of the United States? Is there, like, a mathematical formula?       (3-31-06)

* I finally figured Condoleezza Rice out: she obviously suffers from "roid rage."       (3-31-06)

* Make my day, Mr. Fitzgerald: we're STILL waiting on your indictments of more White House punks.       (3-31-06)

* Turnabout is fair play: how about passing a law that all Americans must learn to speak Spanish?        (3-31-06)

* Mining disaster survivor, Randal McCloy, is nothing short of miraculous. Please join me in prayer that he's not a Republican.        (3-31-06)

* Bill Frist calls walking-miracle, Randal McCloy, "What Terri Schiavo could have been if we had prevailed."       (3-31-06)

* The massive White House shakeup continues as Cheney and Rumsfeld swap jobs.       (3-29-06)

* Learn to embrace global warming: more thong and speedo days!       (3-29-06)

* We must allow illegal immigrants to move out of the shadows so they're easier to spy on like the rest of us.       (3-28-06)

* Using coal-fired refineries to make ethanol is like putting a condom on after sex.       (3-28-06)

* The Iraqi response to President Bush's war optimism: "Heads will roll!"       (3-27-06)

* Do I even have to tell you why they've named the most powerful vacuum ever invented after George W. Bush?   (Contributed by KAZ Hancher, Rolling Stones Incorporated)    (3-27-06)

* Global warming is a conspiracy. Kinda' like evolution.       (3-26-06)

* Upon release, Afghan Christian convert will come to American to become a Republican.       (3-26-06)

* One really good thing about global warming: it's absolutely terrific for the levee industry.       (3-26-06)

* Move over, Richard Simmons! Tom Cruise hawks new DVD: "Cardio-Couch-Jumping Your Way to Health, Fitness, and Spirituality.".       (3-25-06)

* Actually, I prefer a warmer globe.       (3-25-06)

* God, all that war and still no oil?       (3-25-06)

* Immigration fix: Bush promises amnesty for all who join new "Illegal Immigrant Army."        (3-25-06)

* We live in a defascismocracy.
       (3-24-06)

* I Vote for EXTINCTION       (3-24-06)

* "Sciintolerant": A term used to denote famous Scientologists who are intolerant of cartoons lampooning them.       (3-24-06)

* Baghdead + Baghdebt = Baghdamned       (3-23-06)

* Bush experiments with blaming the Iraqis. Yeah, that works.       (3-23-06)

* You know, if the press were banned from Iraq, we'd be winning the War.       (3-23-06)

* "Fiesty George" forbids an Iraqi civil war: "It will not happen on my watch. That's for the next president to decide."       (3-23-06)

* LOVE the TROOPS. HATE the WAR.       (3-22-06)

* "I'm optimistic we'll succeed. If not, I'd pull our troops out. I wouldn't put those kids there." I'll assume by "succeed," Bush means causing a civil war.       (3-22-06)

* Oh Great Liberator, Freedom-Spreader, Hard-Worker Bush, your nation-building has put OUR NATION at grave risk. Legacy, BA-BY!       (3-22-06)

* This oughta' stir the Bushpot pretty damn good: Kevin Phillips' "AMERICAN THEOCRACY" !   (Thanks, Chazgood!)    (3-21-06)

* Three Years of "Shock and Awful"       (3-19-06)

* "civil war" as defined by the White House: when either 10 million deaths or 100 years of continuous conflict have occurred.       (3-21-06)

* Listening to the President speak vividly reinforces the truth: We are PERMANENTLY screwed.       (3-21-06)

* Hot for Terrell Owens, Condoleezza Rice lusts to become Commissioner of the NFL.       (3-21-06)

* Taking unscripted questions from the audience, "The Great Orator" Bush proves he truly is the worst public speaker ever born.        (3-21-06)

* Did you know that George W. Disney's depiction of Tall Afar is nowhere near how the residents see it? Al-Qaeda's already putting up posters and assassinating those who work with Americans.       (3-21-06)

* What does any good crook worth his salt do? Deny any and all wrongdoing and declare victory. Sound familiar?       (3-20-06)

* Why would you expect a shakeup at the White House? They've got all the RIGHT criminals in all the RIGHT places.       (3-20-06)

* The President pushes for creation of The Department of Civil Liberty Abatement.       (3-20-06)

* Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld want you to be patient with them and the War. When's the last time you heard of people being patient while they were being raped?       (3-20-06)

* HAPPY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED," BUSH ADMINISTRATION! (Click here for a fitting tribute.)       (3-19-06)

* "Epiphany Don" Rumsfeld calls a spade a diamond: "What appears to be an Iraqi Civil War is nothing more than The 3-Year Anniversary Celebration."        (3-19-06)

* Examples of how to use the NEW "universal adjective": Boy, did our President "Iraq up"! What a "dumb Iraq" Rumsfeld is. The President is one huge "mother Iraqer." Talk about "Iraqing" America and the world!        (3-19-06)

* Proud South Park Scientologist       (3-19-06)

* Tom Cruise is My Personal Savior.       (3-19-06)

* Bush's National Security Strategy: "Through hard work, we will manufacture the need for pre-emptive strikes."   (Contributed by Karl Azid, StonesCorp, Inc.)    (3-18-06)

* Press Secretary, Scott McClellan: "Bush's Bunghole"       (3-18-06)

* "The 9 Trillion Club": the national debt ceiling has been raised. PRAISE CREDIT!!!       (3-18-06)

* Happy Saint Patiraq's Day       (3-17-06)

* OPERATION SWARMER: "We will raise my poll numbers even if we have to go nukeyooler."       (3-17-06)

* W, why do you think Ahmadinejad got elected? DUH. Why do you think Iran is such a rapidly escalating threat? DUH.       (3-17-06)

* "Pre-emptive George" trots out his new National Security Strategy (but, not because of poll numbers).       (3-17-06)

* Gimme a D, gimme an R, gimme an A, gimme an F, gimme a T. What's that spell? What's that spell? What's that spell?!       (3-17-06)

* The War on Terror is a War on Windmills.       (3-17-06)

* PEW, those new poll numbers really stink!       (3-16-06)

* George W. Bush, the LIMBO President: "How Low Can You Go?"       (3-16-06)

* The President is so steadfast, hard-nosed, resolute, phenomenally stubborn, selfish, loyal to a fault, completely corrupt, and ignorant...all qualities of a successful dictator. He would have done so much better in a Middle East country.        (3-16-06)

* Dubai Ports World hired by White House to conduct bird flu pandemic. First task: put Fear of God into ALL Americans.       (3-16-06)

* Bush orders U.S. ports closed. All cargo containers will be flown in from Dubai, and that's that.       (3-16-06)

* I want so badly to hear that Karl Rove and Laura Bush are having a lurid, kinky affair. OH, PLEASE, OH PRETTY PLEASE!!!       (3-16-06)

* "Epiphany Don" rumsfeld revises his "6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months" war estimate to "6 centuries."       (3-15-06)

* Looks like I picked the wrong presidency to quit drinking.       (3-15-06)

* STOP THE WAR and KILL the BIRD FLU instead.       (3-15-06)

* When I'm feelin' down about the War 'n stuff, I just shift my thoughts to the Medicare Prescription Boondoggle.        (3-15-06)

* "BUSHnography": the obscene illegal abuse of power amidst a sea of corruption and lies.       (3-15-06)

* That damned Iran! They aren't playing fair. They aid Iraqi insurgents, they want nukeyooler weapons, and they're just plain irrational. Hey, I live in a country like that!       (3-14-06)

* What's a little sectarian strife when we're combating it by giving hard candy to the little Iraqi children who are still alive? After all, that's what democracies do.       (3-14-06)

* Aren't we "MAD AS HELL AND NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE" yet?       (3-14-06)

* Now here's a hilarious notion for you: george bush is trying to "TALK" his way up the polls. Yeah, that's his strong suit all right. It rates right up there with hard work.       (3-14-06)

* Thank God the United States has an infinite supply of money. We do, don't we?       (3-14-06)

* Just a little rule clarification question: how many dead bodies does it take to make a civil war?       (3-14-06)

* george walker bush stars as "IRAQ!" ("I Really Am Quixote!")       (3-14-06)

* The president orders "civil war" stricken from all dictionaries and spell checkers.       (3-14-06)

* It's obvious that president bush's I.Q. is plummeting right along with his poll numbers.       (3-14-06)

* Presidential gaffe deluxe: "Mission Accomplished is not A option...er...well...fool me once, shame on...uh...we certainly won't be fooled again."       (3-14-06)

* president george w. bush: "Champion of the Long-A Vowel Sound"       (3-14-06)

* Devout as the day is long, george w. bush gives up the Constitution for Lent.       (3-13-06)

* IRAQ: Land of the Bleak, Home of the Grave       (3-13-06)

* Go ahead, keep trying to sell the "Lost War," mr. president, but be forwarned: WE AIN'T HAVIN' WHAT YOU'RE RAMMIN'.       (3-13-06)

* You know, we don't give enough attention to what's GOOD about the War. It's all negative, negative, negative. It's like we're losing and there's a civil war or something.       (3-13-06)

* Well, at least bush has that macho walk of his down pat. He can't talk worth a damn or be president worth a shit, but oh how he struts his stuff.        (3-13-06)

* rumsfeld's having Halliburton bring in tons of rose petals "to be strewn at their liberators' feet by grateful Iraqis."        (3-13-06)

* Lemme see if I've got this right: Clinton gets impeached for heavy petting. bush is at the top of a laundry list of crooks, thieves, and traitors, has us embroiled in an illegal war with no end, and he's still standing?!!!   Something's extraordinarily ROTTEN in ROVEMARK!       (3-12-06)

* As you reflect upon just how swimmingly the War is going, take a moment to be inspired by "Dingleberry Don" Rumsfeld.       (3-12-06)

* Beware of John McCain, aka "Slick Johnny McBush." He's kissing bush's ass and supporting DP World American port security. What a NeoFlake.        (3-12-06)

* After high-ranking bush adviser, Claude Allen's retail scam charges, Target bans all Republican shoppers.       (3-12-06)

* When you think about it, a PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES couldn't blow it any worse than this one. He has no feet left to shoot.       (3-12-06)

* george w. bush: "Hard at work rototilling America, the Constitution, the Middle East, the Environment, and even the GOP."       (3-12-06)

* What do "president bush" & "port security" have in common? They're both gigantic oxymorons.       (3-12-06)

* george bush & barry bonds, birds of a feather: 2 GREAT pretenders.       (3-12-06)

* I smell a fish in the port security fiasco, and it ain't halibut. It's HALLIBURTON.   (Thanks to SeriousKidding NewsHound, KarlAzid)    (3-11-06)

* EnviroSlut, Gale Norton didn't just happen to leave the Gov't. because of her numerous ties to Abramoff, did she? All she did was preside over the wanton rape of the environment. Like that's a crime?   (Contributed by SeriousKidding NewsHound, KarlAzid from the Flagstaff Bureau.)    (3-11-06)

* rove insists presidential approval ratings be expressed in stars because 34 stars looks way better than 34%.       (3-11-06)

* Enron will be revived to handle port security.       (3-11-06)

* president (I use the term incredulously) bush: you're NOT winning the War on Terror. You've already LOST it, man.       (3-11-06)

* Goodbye & Godspeed, InFerior Secretary Norton: we shall miss you like a boil between the buttocks.       (3-11-06)

* Everytime rumsfeld has a semantic epiphany about renaming "The War on Terror," or "insurgents," or anything else for that matter, it's always ignored. I'm renaming him "Dingleberry Don."        (3-11-06)

I'll be back Saturday, the 11th. I really appreciate your loyal patronage. -grant

* India's ecstatic over getting "a piece of nukey."       (3-3-06)

* If outsourcing is so damn good for America, George, why don't we outsource the presidency?       (3-3-06)

* Outsource THIS, you fool.       (3-3-06)

* In honor of CONVICTED Republican Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham, I shall henceforth refer to the president as "DUKE" bush.   (Visualize "CONVICTED Republican Representative Tom DeLay...")    (3-3-06)

* We're all going to hell in a cargo container.       (3-3-06)

* The president twists the NFL's arm to consider India.       (3-3-06)

* bush declares the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty that India refuses to sign "as irrelevant as the Constitution."        (3-3-06)

* IRAQ: the ultimate reward for "hard work."       (3-3-06)

*
"How many laws can a president break
Before you can call him a crook?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the bush,
The answer is blowin' in the bush..."
   (Thank you, Bob Dylan)    (3-2-06)

* Video shows bush KNEW of the imminent Katrina disaster after all, casting him as a big fat liar. Don't you just hate it when that happens?       (3-2-06)

* So, the big question is: just what has bush told us that is actually TRUE? It's gotta be a damn short list.   (Is there even enough FOR a list?)    (3-2-06)

* The White House uses the Patriot Act to suppress pollsters: "No more presidential approval polls until the War on Terror (aka "The Long War") is won."       (3-2-06)

* Waddling noticeably, the president refuses to back down: "QUACK-a-doodle-doo!"       (3-2-06)

* Al-Qaeda sues bush administration for discrimination in port security bidding contract.       (3-2-06)

* Welcome to Mount Birthmore, South Dakota.        (3-2-06)

* george w. bush: A LAMER DUCK THERE HAS NEVER BEEN. / dick cheney: A LAMER DICK THERE HAS NEVER BEEN.       (3-1-06)

* When in India... Ever the charmer, the president casually mentions how much he enjoys "cowboys 'n Indians" movies.       (3-1-06)

* The president struggles to shore up support for the War: "The United States will NEVER cut and run. We will only cut and invade."       (3-1-06)

* KEE-RIST, now polls are showing most U.S. troops want out of Iraq! What?!!! But, but, but...       (3-1-06)

* Our studly president vows to capture Bin Laden "even if me and Dick has to take our shotguns and bring this evil-doer to justice ourself."       (3-1-06)

* That whole port security thing is just so Dubaious.       (3-1-06)

* Who Would Jesus Hire to guard our ports?       (3-1-06)

* bush & cheney have this uncanny knack for spinning America's gold into straw and getting paid gigantic bucks for doing it.       (3-1-06)

* In honor of the White House: Happy March Fools Day! (Believe me, ANY day works.)       (3-1-06)

* bush calls on Iraqis to choose between "chaos or unity." I think YOU chose "CHAOS" the second YOU invaded, mr. president.       (3-1-06)

* It's not a Civil War. It's just a messy little democratic squabble. After all, boys will be boys!       (3-1-06)

* Speaking of "chaos or unity," from bush's latest poll numbers, it's obvious we Americans have united against the president's chaos.       (3-1-06)

* Let's all sing "The bush Poll Song": "A plummeting we will go, a plummeting we will go, heigh ho, the dairy-o..."       (3-1-06)

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