Shot Off The Press
February 2006

* Our LEADERS are Our MISLEADERS.       (2-28-06)

* You know, somebody better shut that Michael "Brownie" Brown up. He keeps blasting bush. He'll ruin Mardi Gras!       (2-28-06)

* Why shouldn't terrorists guard our ports?! They'd know a terrorist when they saw one, boy! I mean, if they'd a' been around when Saddam leveled the Twin Towers, maybe it never woulda' happened. Think about it.       (2-28-06)

* bush, rumsfeld want to change National Guard to "National Guild of Freedom Fighters."       (2-28-06)

* I just hope America survives until the next election.       (2-27-06)

* So long to the Dullympics. You know what they lacked? Quail hunting.       (2-27-06)

* Okay, it's gone around. When the hell's it gonna come around?       (2-26-06)

* It appears that rather than rose petals, we're having Civil War strewn at our feet.        (2-26-06)

* Barney Fife, you would have made an incredibly better president than the doofus we've got in there now. At least you always meant well. Rest In Peace, Don Knotts.       (2-26-06)

* Well, George, you must've always wanted to be a Civil War President like Abe Lincoln. Enjoy.       (2-26-06)

* GREAT NEWS!!! The Vice President hasn't shot anybody for two straight weeks!!!       (2-25-06)

* Civil War?! What Civil War?! We don't got no stinking Civil War! It's simply a little misunderstanding. Look, a few years of curfew, democracy, and a few trillion bucks will cure everything.        (2-25-06)

* Welcome to the Liberty-Freedom Democracy of IRAQURFEW.       (2-25-06)

* The President pretends to be mortified at the bombing of the Golden Mosque. But, invading and bombing the living daylights out of Iraq for no reason was okay? Makes perfect sense to me.       (2-25-06)

* "Dubai" & "Dubya": as close in spelling as they are in scandal.       (2-25-06)

* SOUTH DAKOTA: "Making Women Safe from Choice"       (2-25-06)

* Ports ARE the STORM: Dubai and The Bush Dynasty Deal with the Devil (Promise me you'll be seated while reading this. Then, raise holy hell.)       (2-24-06)

* Bush Missions Accomplished: Iraqi Civil War, Katrina Debacle, Unconstitutional Spying, Neoconning the Supreme Court, 2 Rigged Elections, Medicare Prescription Drug Debacle, Prolonging Terri Schiavo's Agony, Vaulting the U.S. to Most-Hated-Nation Status, Swelling the Ranks of Terrorists, Environmental Debauchery, World Destabilization, Desecration of the Constitution, "Trillionizing" the Deficit, Making a Mockery of a once Great FREE Nation...LET'S IMPEACH THE TRAITOR.        (2-24-06)

* Send Cheney and his shotgun where they can do the most good: Iraq.       (2-24-06)

* Heartiest congratulations go out today to President Freedumb on the official start of the Iraqi Civil War. Couldn't a' done it without YOU, Mr. President. Mission Accomplished!!!       (2-24-06)

* Pat Robertson is God's punishment for "electing" George Bush.       (2-24-06)

* Presidential Disaster Reponse Task Force recommends avoiding future hurricanes altogether.       (2-24-06)

* The Supreme Court upholds Bush administration "Oil Addiction Conservation Act" forcing settlers to pull out of U.S. suburbs.        (2-23-06)

* The President's political capital has been converted into political "CRAPital."       (2-23-06)

* Don't you dare call it a "Civil War" in Iraq. Are you going to let a little mosque bombing sour you on "The Long War?"        (2-23-06)

* Bush logic: "Not calling it 'The War on Terror' anymore means we can now hire terrorists to guard our ports."       (2-22-06)

* How many Goddamn strikes does President Suckurity get until he's OUT ?       (2-22-06)

* Now they're calling it "The Long War." We're still calling it what it is: "The Wrong War."       (2-22-06)

* "The Long War": SHORT on CONSTITUTION.       (2-22-06)

* George W. Bush: "The Great Discombobulator"       (2-22-06)

* There must be some creatively brilliant way we, the American People, can invoke eminent domain to seize the White House.       (2-22-06)

* Outbidding the competition, al-Qaeda wins U.S. security contract.       (2-21-06)

* "Dick Cheney before he dicks you!"   (Karl Azid Hancher, Flagstaff)    (2-21-06)

* "You'd think Dick Cheney woulda' shot Libby."   (Chazgood Dense, Juneau)    (2-20-06)

* America has cancer. The White House is its tumor. Excise it.       (2-20-06)

* Happy Presidents' Day! Praise President Georgesus W. Bush, our personal Savior.       (2-20-06)

* Deadeye Dick is Deadwrong Dick...again: "Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy." --V.P.D.C. (May 2001)       (2-20-06)

* White House protocol: The BUCK stops NOWHERE (or at Saddam).       (2-18-06)

* WHITE HOUSE: practicing random acts of cruelness.       (2-18-06)

* "Katrinalysis": total paralytic failure in responding to a national disaster, denying incompetence while placing blame on others.       (2-18-06)

* Beware of vice presidents carrying shotguns.       (2-18-06)

* Rove orders Cheney to surrender his shells.       (2-18-06)

* Echoing his mentor and soul mate, Richard M. Nixon, George W. Bush eases a Nation's worried mind: "Neither me or Dick is a crook."       (2-17-06)

* President Bush: TOUGH ON TERROR, just the way terrorists like it.       (2-17-06)

* Once GITMO closes, it will make the perfect site for "The George W. Bush Legacy Library."       (2-17-06)

* Vice President exonerated! White House forensic lab finds shotgun fired itself in 1-in-a-billion freak occurrence.        (2-17-06)

* The Vice President receives his first endorsement deal after the hunting accident: "Fire Away With Tanqueray. Dick Cheney Does!"    (Happy Birthday, NANCY!)    (2-16-06)

* Implode the White House.       (2-16-06)

* I'm not buyin' ANY of it, Dick Cheney. None of it: "Patriots don't let traitors hunt drunk!"       (2-16-06)

* OH NO, MORE Abu Ghraib pictures? Thank God no one in the administration is responsible. Whew! I was so worried we might look bad in the eyes of the world. Dodged another one there, boy.       (2-16-06)

* Only one reason, and one reason only, that Dick Cheney did not come clean until now: HE WAS DRUNK. Why no blood test on Saturday? HUH?!!!       (2-16-06)

* A "gRant 'n Rave"™: Cheney fessing-up with FOX: PURE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT COVER-UP OF THE HIGHEST ORDER FOR WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. Gee, that sounds all too familiar. WHAT IS THE REAL STORY? If I sound pissed, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. IS THIS A DUMBOCRACY?! OUR INTELLIGENCE HAS BEEN INSULTED BY BAD INTELLIGENCE FOR YEARS. Anyone who gives Dick Cheney even a molecule of credit for his faux confession is no better than he is. Our rulers are completely BOGUS lying unAmerican thugs on a treasonous roll outa' control. Well, at least they're GOOD CHRISTIANS. Praise God for THAT. Oh, my aching anus!        (2-16-06)

* I support the VP and I will continue to stand BEHIND him.   (Contributed by Dave Coe of Unravel Yarn and Fiber Arts Shop in Flagstaff, Arizona)    (2-15-06)

* It must have been an accident. It's not in his nature to kill just one person at a time.   (Contributed by Dave Coe, Flagstaff.)    (2-15-06)

* Dick Cheney & the Quailers: "I shot my best friend, but I did not shoot the President..."   (Contributed by Cheryl Blume, Flagstaff + BackwardsBush.com)    (2-14-06)

* The newest insult: "You're nothing but a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed."       (2-15-06)

* A grumpy Vice President is overheard mumbling: "Nobody ever raped a shotgun."       (2-15-06)

* Maybe, rather than just trashing the Bush administration for all its failings, and whining all damn day and night, we should try to look for the positive. There's always a silver lining. I mean, they have accomplished some good things, haven't they? Oh, they haven't?! I see. So, they pretty much completely suck hind teat, then?   (I tried.)    (2-15-06)

* The Department of Homeland Suckurity       (2-15-06)

* A nod to the "off's": Abramoff, Chertoff, and Cheney's favorite expression: "F**k off."       (2-15-06)

* And, amidst all this turmoil, we're blindsided by the news that "TomKat" Cruise & Holmes are heading for Splitsville. Kee-rist.       (2-15-06)

* Tom Cruise leaves Scientology to form splinter sect. He proudly names it "ScienTOMology."       (2-15-06)

* Banned from the White House play list: Junior Walker & the All-Stars' "SHOTGUN."        (2-15-06)

* Making a mind-blowing musical comeback: Junior Walker & the All-Stars' "SHOTGUN."        (2-15-06)

* JackAbramOff & Bush: A MUST-CLICK!    (Hope this link stays live for a long time.)    (2-13-06)

* It's a NATIONAL DICKSGRACE!       (2-14-06)

* Who Would Jesus Shoot?       (2-14-06)

* Dear President Bush: I'm personally asking that in order to save OUR NATION, you and your administration step down immediately, if not sooner.    (Ah hell, it was worth a try.)    (2-14-06)

* What's the true significance of neglecting to get a measly little ol' $7 hunting license? Simply this: THEY think, and have always thought, THEY'RE ABOVE THE LAW. NOT SO!   (Thanks to Bill Blume.)    (2-14-06)

* The White House: "WE'RE ABOVE THE LAW BECAUSE WE CAN."       (2-14-06)

* Dear President Bush: what part of "National Failure" don't you understand?       (2-14-06)

* Just some birdshot lodged in the heart. Just a minor heart attack. Just a "hunter's judgment factor." Simple as pie.       (2-14-06)

* The Vice President fires his shotgun over the heads of reporters who laughingly refer to him as "Deadeye Dick."       (2-14-06)

* Calls for "Barney-Fifing" the Vice President mount: "Just one shotgun shell in the shirt pocket for you, Dick!"       (2-14-06)

* THE BUSH LEGACY: 9/11, IRAQ, KATRINA, MEDICARE, GLOBAL WARMING, ABRAMOFF, LIBBY...MUCH MORE TO FOLLOW...       (2-14-06)

* What would Terri say?       (2-14-06)

* The National Rifle Association revokes the Vice President's membership.       (2-14-06)

* Cheney shooting his friend is emblematic of what he's done to the American People: SHOOT, STONEWALL, BLAME OTHERS.       (2-14-06)

* The White House schedules hunter education safety classes for every staffer: No Hunter Left Behind.       (2-14-06)

* The Democrats make hay: "We NEVER hunt without a license." Damnit, when are you guys gonna grow some balls?       (2-14-06)

* Speaking of shooting victims: Katrina victims have been shot with both barrels by the Bush administration.       (2-14-06)

* How can THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA put up with this kind of farcical leadership? We have come way too far to be toppled by this band of unAmericans.        (2-14-06)

* As always, blame the victim: "It was Whittington's fault for getting shot. Dumb bastard."       (2-14-06)

* What Cheney's stonewall of his hunting mishap says: "Christ, you can't even shoot a friend without the Liberal media jumping all over it."       (2-13-06)

* The First Lady rushes to defend her husband against Hillary's charges that his administration's the worst ever: "NUH-UH!" Thus marks the beginning of "Openin' up a can a' NUH-UH."       (2-13-06)

* Please be advised: Those hunting with the Vice President must provide their own body armor.       (2-13-06)

* The scathing Katrina Report confirms everybody's worst fears: the only time we were safer was before Bush was "elected."        (2-13-06)

* Seen at the White House: "NOTICE: Whoever is sending cartoon depictions to Aljazeera of President Bush & Vice President Cheney kicking the Prophet Mohammed in the tush please CEASE AND DESIST!!!"        (2-13-06)

* When Michael Chertoff's sacked, he can always go to work for "Brownie" as a disaster consultant: "Heckuva Job, Michaels, Inc."       (2-13-06)

* The "Safety President" has HIT THE WALL without a helmet or seat belt.       (2-13-06)

* Swagger on the wane: the President tags Tom DeLay to replace Chertoff at DHS.       (2-13-06)

* A withering President Bush reappoints Michael Brown to head FEMA.       (2-13-06)

* An apologetic Vice President has a plausible explanation for shooting his friend: "The mother f****r got in my way!"       (2-13-06)

* For Dick Cheney, Iraq is the ultimate hunt: IraQuail, anyone?       (2-13-06)

* Dick Cheney stars as "The Quail Hunter."       (2-13-06)

* Leaked: Dick Cheney has the goons checking to see if Cindy Sheehan might have any interest in quail hunting.       (2-13-06)

* WARNING: Democrats and ALL Liberals: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ACCEPT A QUAIL-HUNTING INVITATION FROM THE VICE PRESIDENT.       (2-13-06)

* Dick Cheney Threat Level Advisory raised to RED/SEVERE.       (2-13-06)

* What we've learned: Never EVER trust one "DISASTER" to Respond Quickly & Effectively to Another.       (2-13-06)

* On this 197th anniversary of the birth of Abraham Lincoln, one can only hope President Bush is attending a play in his honor.
       (2-12-06)

* Polar Bears United Against Bush       (2-12-06)

* A livid, seething President warns the press and public about calling him "Katrina."       (2-11-06)

* They're just CARTOONS!       (2-11-06)

* Olympics will add "Religious Rioting" as a demonstration sport.       (2-11-06)

* The Republicannibals devour Michael Brown: "You did a heckuva job doing a shitty job, Brownie."       (2-11-06)

* Up on the Cross you go, "Brownie."       (2-11-06)

* We can see you, Karl.       (2-11-06)

* Wayne Gretzky: "Canada's Pete Rose"       (2-11-06)

* I keep seeing this headline: "Bush details terror plot." Hell, Bush IS the terror plot.       (2-11-06)

* Defending the administration from yet another "Katrina Moment," a resolute Scott McClellan chirps: "The Bush administration has always been in tune with, and in graceful awe of Mother Nature."       (2-10-06)

* Quit blaming Bush for the horrid Katrina response. It was Nature's fault, damnit.        (2-10-06)

* Nixon wasn't half the conniving bastard Bush is. Well, that might be stretching it.   (Happy Birthday, DAD. FIGHT ON!)    (2-10-06)

* Vice President Cheney: "The First Choice of Dicks Everywhere"   (Happy 81st, Spike!)    (2-10-06)

* Dick Cheney: "It is deplorable that our illegal NSA spying program was leaked even though I dispatched Scooter to leak other classified intelligence to the press. Some may claim a double standard. Allow me to counter with this simple explanation: F*** You."   (Happy Birthday, DAD. FIGHT ON!)    (2-10-06)

* As the cinch tightens around White House nuts, one has to wonder: HOW MUCH LONGER IS IT GONNA TAKE?   (Happy Birthday, DAD!)    (2-10-06)

* George, where in the hell is "Brownie" when you need him?!   (Happy Birthday, DAD. FIGHT ON!)    (2-10-06)

* God, things were so much calmer when Arafat was alive.   (Happy Birthday, SPIKE!)    (2-10-06)

* Bush explains that we need to curb freedom of speech because it can be "so messy."   (Happy Birthday, DAD. FIGHT ON!)    (2-10-06)

* Hoping to quell the big cartoon controversy, Scott McClellan oh-so-carefully lauds the Prophet Mohammed: "He would have made a great American."       (2-10-06)

* I went to a hockey game and a casino broke out.   (Happy 81, Spike Gerver)    (2-10-06)

* Bush sanctions wiretapping of "subversive" Democrats for placement in internment camps during War on Terror.   (from KAZ Hancher)    (2-10-06)

* How about publishing cartoons of the Prophet Bush?   (HAPPY 81, SPIKE GERVER!!!)    (2-10-06)

* From The Memoirs of Alberto Gonzales: "We need to break the shackles of the Constitution."   (Happy Birthday, Spike!!!)    (2-10-06)

* I take great offense at being thought of as "The United States of dAmerica" by the rest of the world.       (2-9-06)

* The President and Secretary of Defense consider activating Boy Scout troops through eminent domain loophole.   (Full-on THANKS to Karl Azid "KAZ" Hancher)    (2-9-06)

* President George W. Bush, "Georgie Qaeda" to his friends.       (2-9-06)

* Yeah thanks, "Captain Terror," for those new "2002 foiling-al-Qaeda" details. Am I supposed to bow down and let you spy your ass off now? Shmuck.        (2-9-06)

* George W. Bush: the most infamous ignoramous.       (2-9-06)

* Some lawyers chase ambulances. Alberto Gonzales chases the Constitution.       (2-9-06)

* Did you hear about that gigantic NHL betting scandal? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a puck.       (2-9-06)

* "NEOCONOIA": irrational fear of the Constitution, especially that the Bill of Rights is out to get you.       (2-8-06)

* Hey, all you Stones' detractors: you're just jealous as hell, that's all.       (2-8-06)

* Where's Tom? Is soon-to-be ex-Congressman DeLay doing all right? Has he found a hitman to rub out Abramoff yet?       (2-8-06)

* The American People: MUGGED, BUGGED, & FUGGED..       (2-8-06)

* Far easier & quicker to compile a list of Bush administration officials NOT involved in any scandal.       (2-8-06)

* I prefer to think of the White House as "ScandaLand".       (2-8-06)

* In an ironic twist of the highest order, Monica Lewinsky becomes Hillary's '08 campaign manager.       (2-8-06)

* The President's main domestic agenda is actually being realized: eradication of the middle class.        (2-8-06)

* Bush wants face on dollar bill.       (2-8-06)

* The multifaceted John McCain: 7 personalities and counting.       (2-8-06)

* I can't wait to be a PROUD AMERICAN again.      

* President Bush!!! Did you say "Bullshit???!!!"
 "No, I said 'Bud-get!' "       (2-7-06)

* The Vice President's favorite personal insult: "Go flush a Koran!"       (2-7-06)

* Just like in Iraq, I believe the United States planted those Mohammed cartoons.       (2-7-06)

* Agreeing that the Right to Free Speech is being taken "too literally," Bush, Cheney, & Gonzales draw up plan to "modernize" the Bill of Rights.       (2-7-06)

* Now, here's a great paradox for you: Bush nukes Iran for having nukes.       (2-7-06)

* Coretta Scott King, First Lady of the Civil Rights Movement: "Free At Last With MLK" ~        (2-5-06)

* Dear President Bush and Laura: I'll be glad to discuss you spying on me if I can put a video camera in your bedroom.       (2-6-06)

* How many hundreds of smoking guns does it take to nail the White House and oust the bastards?       (2-6-06)

* Alberto Gonzales: yet one more reason to feel sssssafer.       (2-6-06)

* It's high time we ban ALL political cartoons, especially those that might be offensive, or even any that aren't offensive...you know, just to be on the safe side. The more we suppress free speech, the freer we actually become. We become freer to have fewer civil rights and SAFER from the those Iraqi terrorists who flew into the Twin Towers that al-Qaeda hired through Saddam from the proceeds of the sale of all the weapons of mass destruction just before we invaded. (That's why we couldn't find 'em, you stoopid liberals).        (2-6-06)

* President Bush never met a fear he didn't like. I like to think of it as "Feareedom."       (2-6-06)

* GREAT NEWS!!! My new mountain bike gets really awesome mileage!!!       (2-5-06)

* Just lose the "T" and you've got the more accurate battle we're waging: "The War on Error."       (2-5-06)

* ENRON is an exact microcosm of the White House.       (2-4-06)

* George W. Putz: "Holding Safety, Security, Prosperity, and Compassion at bay from an aching World."       (2-4-06)

* Rumsfeld denies that invading Iraq is a catalyst for terrorism. Just how many monkeys can fly outa' one guy's butt?       (2-4-06)

* We're goin' down the tubes faster than Katrina hit the Gulf Coast.       (2-4-06)

* Just think how BAD you'd feel if you actually voted for the sucker! Hell, I'd relocate.       (2-4-06)

* Real Patriots don't tolerate traitors. DEPORT THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.       (2-4-06)

* The United States used to be the envy of all the world. Now, we're the urinal.       (2-4-06)

* George W. Bush: giving bicyclists everywhere a bad name.       (2-4-06)

* The only Bush I trust is in my front yard.   (Yes, I think I may have used this before, but I enjoy it!)    (2-4-06)

* Ineptitude, stupiditude, just plain rude: that's our George.       (2-4-06)

* "Heckuva job, Boehnie!" to new House Majority Leader, John "DeLaybramoff" Boehner.        (2-3-06)

* You pricks need another $120 billion for the war? Better start bakin' cookies and washing cars. (or do you like this better: * You pricks need another $120 billion for the war? Hey, then YOU pay for it, Goddamnit!   )    (2-3-06)

* Bush okays "dumbryonic" stem cell research.       (2-3-06)

* THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Iran's role model.       (2-3-06)

* IRAN: no more arrogant than Bush.       (2-3-06)

* The problem with Cindy Sheehan: she just can't accept murder and death. Oh, how weak.       (2-3-06)

* Like Jesus would have condoned all this shit? C'mon.       (2-3-06)

* I so wanted the Steelers to win the Super Bowl until Condi picked 'em to win. GO SEAHAWKS!       (2-3-06)

* DUH: Bush creates an epidemic of fear, then thrives on it. Impeach the Bastard YESTERDAY.       (2-3-06)

* Boy, the economy IS roaring. Just look at Exxon.       (2-2-06)

* We live in a Bushwellian Democracy.       (2-2-06)

* Impeach Cindy Sheehan: protesting the war during prime time...of all the nerve!       (2-2-06)

* George Bush's latest crusade: "Join me and Jesus in just saying NO to OIL!"       (2-2-06)

* Hoping to lead by example, the President is helping Americans kick the habit: "Now that I've made my ill-gotten fortune in oil, I'm no longer addicted."       (2-2-06)

* Bush: "Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage. Like Americans before us, we will show that courage and we will finish well. We will lead freedom's advance. We will compete and excel in the global economy. We will renew the defining moral commitments of this land. And so we move forward - optimistic about our country, faithful to its cause and confident of victories to come." It shall only begin when you and your fellow Republicanazis are behind bars, Asswipe.       (2-1-06)

* The President's pretty much down to not being able to fool any of the people any of the time.       (2-1-06)

* Great speech, President Bonzo. All is forgiven.       (2-1-06)

* That is so awesome: according to Mr. Wrong, we're going to rid ourselves of our foreign oil "addiction" by 2025, coincidentally, when it'll run out anyway. F*****g brilliant.       (2-1-06)

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