Shot Off The Press
January 2006

* Bush Is Betraying Life Everyday       (1-31-06)

* The backdrop behind the President's podium tonight will be a gigantic poster of Jesus holding Terri Schiavo.       (1-31-06)

* I assume Jack Abramoff and Smilin' Tom DeLay will be sitting together at the big speech tonight. Can't wait to see 'em on camera.        (1-31-06)

* Republicans: the grand masters at spinning fecal material into pure unadulterated S**T.       (1-31-06)

* It's a great day for a root canal. But, if you can't get an appointment, just watch the State of the Union Address.       (1-31-06)

* Allow me to suggest this stress-reducing tip: tape Bush's SOTU Address. Then, choose between driving over the cassette, burning it, hammering it, shooting it, George Foreman grilling it, putting it in the litter box, barfing on it, pulling all the tape from inside it, placing it by a nearby fire hydrant, sticking voodoo pins into it, microwaving it, and/or throwing it into the Grand Canyon. Oh, and you can always try blending it. You're welcome in advance.       (1-30-06)

* God, George, that al-Zawahri guy is just murdering your image.       (1-30-06)

* The President promises not to spread any freedom on Iran in exchange for abandoning their nuc-U-ler program.       (1-30-06)

* Don't you just wish the President would deliver his State of the Union Address from deep down in that Sago mine?       (1-30-06)

* Would somebody please BITCH SLAP the President on a daily basis for me? Thanks a million.       (1-30-06)

* Google users are being Googled by our snooping government. Search away in patriotic paranoia, y'all.       (1-29-06)

* Proud Bush/NSA Watch List Victim.   (Thank YOU, Chazgood!)    (1-29-06)

* George W. Bush is a colossal underachiever and overdeceiver.       (1-29-06)

* Actually, Hamas & Ahmadinejad have given me a GREAT brainstorm: visualize wiping Bush and his Goons off the map.        (1-29-06)

* Hamas softens its stance: "We don't want the eradication of Israel immediately. We'll accept a phased-destruction."       (1-29-06)

* Bush asks Hamas if they'd please consider changing their name to "The Emerging Nation of Peaceful Democratic Palestinian Freedom Spreaders."       (1-29-06)

* President Bonzo's State of the Union address oughta' be a real keeper being as though we already know the state of what used to be OUR Union.       (1-29-06)

* Does this still hold any water?
IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776~ The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America~ When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. ‹ That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, ‹ That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. ‹ Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He has refuted his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers. He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries. He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance. He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures. He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation: For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us: For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States: For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world: For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent: For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury: For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences: For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments: For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us. He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation. He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands. He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions. In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred. to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. ‹ And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. ~John Hancock
New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

* It boils down to this:
   Just that simple.

* Take time to stop and smell the corruption.       (1-28-06)

* The National Language & Grammar Association has officially credited the Bush Administration for the meteoric rise in the global use of foul language.       (1-28-06)

* Our Freedom-Spreading Fool is really on a roll: first, he gets Ahmadinejad elected, and now Hamas. I can't wait for the next Middle East election! Yay, FREEDOM!       (1-28-06)

* Hamas leaders send George Bush a commemorative AK-47 as thanks for their election victory.       (1-28-06)

* The Bush White House is nothing more than a "terrorist incubator."       (1-28-06)

* You know those White House jackals are just salivatin' over the prospect of another terrorist attack. It keeps the masses obedient.       (1-28-06)

* The most wanted terrorists on the face of the Earth reside inside the White House. (Osama, you're small potatoes. Plus, they can't catch you anyway.)       (1-28-06)

* Time for "AMERICAN REVOLUTION: The Sequel."       (1-28-06)

* We need a new government. This one's just plain F******.       (1-28-06)

* George Wrong Bush: every terrorist group's ace in the hole.       (1-28-06)

* When you take all that this administration has done to ruin our Country and the World, if these unpatriotic bastard traitors are not thrown out on their asses, and soon, we aren't worth a pitcher of hot spit.NUKE BUSH!       (1-27-06)

* The Palestinians have democratically elected the violent Islamic extremist party, Hamas. LOLOLOLOLHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! The Dunderhead President accomplishes another mission. Smooth.       (1-27-06)

* Just think of it, George: you promoted an election that voted terrorists into power!       (1-27-06)

* Overheard at the White House: "Dear Lord, without Abramoff, we need another terrorist attack to keep Americans scared so we can make them feel safer and deflect attention away from all our corruption. Can you please, PLEASE give us another one, not too big, maybe a Cessna flying into the Statue of Liberty? Amen."       (1-26-06)

* I just hate it when people call it the "neoConstitution."       (1-26-06)

* With the Alito confirmation looming, contraception and coat hanger stock prices soar.       (1-26-06)

* I've taught my dog to pee on the TV whenever there's an arrogant neocon on. Man, he pees a lot.       (1-25-06)

* The President takes another approach: "If we don't have illegal eavesdropping and wiretapping, you'll put a lot of spies out of work. They've gotta put food on their families, too."       (1-25-06)

* Got a nice ring to it: George W. Stalin       (1-25-06)

* Every morning, I just slam my fingers in a drawer and give thanks that we once lived in the best country in the world.       (1-25-06)

* Shock And Awe. Now there's a nostalgic puker for ya.       (1-25-06)

* Faintly, far off in the distance, a primal Tarzanesque scream is building to an ear-splitting pitch. It can only be the sound of one man: (SC)REAM 'em a new one, HOWARD DEAN!!!       (1-24-06)

* Our White House "Terrorists" have taken to calling it "The Terrorist Surveillance Program." WE call it WHAT IT IS: "The Rape of Our Civil Liberties."       (1-24-06)

* Basically, terrorists must be God's punishment for abortion. Ya think?       (1-24-06)

* The White House inner circle meets today to discuss strategies for reviving the Terri Schiavo issue.       (1-24-06)

* A testy President tries to comfort an edgy Country: "When you think about it, warrantless spying is really no worse than a strip search."       (1-24-06)

* Yeah, Bush picks the State of Kansas to bolster his image: where wheat thrives right beside Intelligent Design.       (1-24-06)

* The George Bush Legacy Mission Statement: "Creating Islamic Democracies Who Hate The U.S."       (1-24-06)

* Oh NO!!! The latest chimp-human evolutionary connection doesn't fit the Intelligent Design model!!! WHO DO WE BLAME???!!!       (1-24-06)

* President Bush concedes that he once knew an "Abraham Jackoff," but no "Jack Abramoff."       (1-23-06)

* Damnit, lay off President Bush. Can't you see he's stressed? How many scandals can one man take?! I mean, how would YOU like it?       (1-23-06)

* All right, already, so there are photos of the President and Bush Pioneer, Jack Abramoff. What part of "The president does not know him, nor does the president recall ever meeting him" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?        (1-23-06)

* I'm beginning to think Howard Dean is exactly what we need. He's got that Harry Truman chutzpah that Democrats are lacking. Take a gander: "Rove's political standing gets him an invitation to address Republicans in Washington, D.C., today, but it doesn't give him the credibility to question Democrats' commitment to national security," Mr. Dean said. "The truth is, Karl Rove breached our national security for partisan gain and that is both unpatriotic and wrong." CASE CLOSED.       (1-22-06)

* Hey, Karl: the "ruthless enemy" the U.S. faces is YOU, bud.       (1-22-06)

* I don't know about you, but I'm anxiously awaiting "Turd Blossom's" indictment.       (1-22-06)

* Support Our Troops: SUPPORT JACK MURTHA!       (1-22-06)

* I want MY COUNTRY back!       (1-22-06)

* It's so f*****g obvious: the President has a James Bond complex. 00shit!       (1-22-06)

* As with Ken Lay, the President and his neocon cadre have barely even heard of Jack Abramoff.       (1-21-06)

* George Bush would die to only have to worry about Monica Lewinsky under his desk.       (1-21-06)

* If all these scandals don't bring down the White House, then WE must.       (1-21-06)

* God is punishing Americans who voted for Bush with Iraq and the K Street Project.       (1-20-06)

* Good News!!! The Reconstruction of Iraq has been abandoned completed. Mission F***ing Accomplished AGAIN!!!       (1-20-06)

* Whenever I'm down and need me a little pick-me-up, I just picture Tom DeLay's smiling mug shot.       (1-20-06)

* This governmental hijacking brought to you by the Republican Abramoffia.       (1-20-06)

* Please join me in prayer as we kiss The Mother Ship goodbye.       (1-20-06)

* Osama is STILL trumping his American counterpart, Bush.       (1-20-06)

* Washington did not corrupt lobbyists and the Government. REPUBLICANS DID!       (1-19-06)

* "...of the lobbyists, by the lobbyists, for the lobbyists..."       (1-19-06)

* Kstreet: "Fleece, Undermine, Corrupt"
(Whatever you do, don't rearrange the first letter of each word. Thank you.) * Kstreet: "Fleece, Undermine, Corrupt" (Whatever you do, don't rearrange the first letter of each word. Thank you.)       (1-19-06)

* I am sooooo sick and tired of the Constitution getting in the way of everything. Hey, Constitution, you're not the boss of Bush.       (1-18-06)

* Two things about Samuel Alito have become painfully apparent:    1. He's WAY boring.    2. He's WAY scary.       (1-18-06)

* I'm icing the champagne for the day Jack Abramoff's plea agreement reaches up to the Oval Office and chokes the President, the Vice President, and that "bastard architect" Rove out of existence.       (1-17-06)

* Benjamin Franklin is 300 years old today!!! To celebrate this landmark event, the Republicans have honored him with Bush, Cheney, Abramoff, DeLay, Cunningham, Iraq, Libby, ROVE, illegal spying and eavesdropping of the citizenry, torture, the Medicare Drug Debacle, & black-hole deficits. Oh, Ben would have been so PISSED!!!        (1-17-06)

* ...but, I'm not bitter.       (1-17-06)

* Jack Abramoff, George W. Bush: two great examples of what religious zealotry can do for you.       (1-17-06)

* Ahmadinejad the Tirant       (1-17-06)

* Jack Abramoff - Abram = what this lobbyist truly is.       (1-17-06)

* George Bush never met a civil liberty he couldn't neuter.       (1-16-06)

* NEW New Orleans: white as a sheet.       (1-16-06)

* Obviously, the President feels the Constitution and Checks and Balances are just too danged unwieldy, not to mention they're a nuisance and a threat to the fascist expansion of executive powers.       (1-16-06)

* In a gracious nod to the livid ex-wife, Brad & Angelina will name their new baby "Jennifer" if it's a girl, "Jensen" if it's a boy.       (1-15-06)

* BushBusterPhones & Computers ~ "No Spying Asshole will ever intercept your phone calls or emails again!" "No Spying Asshole will ever intercept your phone calls or emails again!"       (1-15-06)

* The President makes a connection with Martin Luther King: "I'm a King, too!"       (1-14-06)

* I'll bet Iran is salivating at the prospect of Georgie-Boy invading.       (1-14-06)

* IRAN: Powered by BUSH.       (1-14-06)

* "A Million Little Pieces" author, James Frey, has been hired by President Bush to write "Memoirs of a Freedom Spreader."       (1-13-06)

* FREEDOM Is Fueled and Sustained by PEACE, you White House jackasses.       (1-13-06)

* The Pentagon argues that skin is truly the best body armor anyway.    (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KARL AZID!)    (1-12-06)

* Total war costs could top $2 TRILLION? Pocket change.       (1-12-06)


* A syphilitic Pat Robertson is ordered to surrender his Bible.   (Thanks to Stray Dog Rice for the inspiration.)    (1-12-06)

* "I knew a man, Bushjangles, and he'd lie to you, worn out news...Mister Bushjangles, Mister Bushjangles, Mister Bushjangles, dance..."   (Thank you, Jerry Jeff Walker)    (1-11-06)

* A President's wishful thinking: "Your great, great granchildren will see the Iraqi democracy I've promised."       (1-11-06)

* Bush fumes at Alito's response that even a wartime president isn't above the law; threatens to renominate Harriet Miers.       (1-11-06)

* Thank you, Pat Robertson, God's mouthpiece.       (1-11-06)

* Bush declares War on Ethics: "We've got more than we really need."       (1-10-06)

* The TRUE Threat Level: BUSH/SEVERE       (1-9-06)

* Evil-doing Environmentalists act as if clean air & water were a God-given right.       (1-9-06)

* Rather than trying to convert Iraq into a democracy, why not take the easier path: convert Muslims into Christians.       (1-9-06)

* Practice Random Acts of Dissent       (1-8-06)

* What do a lobbyist and a piece of shit have in common? Everything.        (1-8-06)

* We all live on BrokeBush Mountain.       (1-8-06)

* You're doing a heckuva a job, "ABRAMOFFIE."       (1-7-06)

* 2 more GREAT REPUBLICANS step up to the plate in grand fashion: Jack Abramoff and Pat Robertson.       (1-7-06)

* Latest medical tests confirm good news for Cheney: he has NO heart to fail.       (1-7-06)

* An illegal immigrant stole my $5-an-hour custodial job.       (1-7-06)

* It's the Dark Ages.       (1-7-06)

* PEACE is just a gay excuse not to use your nuclear weapons.       (1-7-06)

F.Y.I. - I'll be out of the "office" till Saturday. Hope you miss me. Check out my "Hot Links". Thanks a million. --Grant

* President Bush does 1000 times the "heckuva job" Brownie could ever do.       (1-2-06)

* The President's "SECRET PROGRAM" is unmasked: Federal Eavesdropping And Reconnaissance       (1-2-06)

* I have this sudden sinking feeling: it's called "IRAN."       (1-2-06)

* HAPPY NEW FEAR!       (1-1-06)

* The President echoes FDR: "The only thing we have to fear is not having enough fear itself."       (1-1-06)

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