Shot Off The Press
December 2005

* Just how much dirt must you get on a president before you can impeach the bastard? Oh, I see, you must have a certifiably official video of him using a cigar in a sexually explicit manner with a female, not his wife, on government property.       (12-31)

* I prefer to fight the War on Bush. When we win that one, THEN we'll feel safer.        (12-31)

* The Bush Warrantless Spying Defense: "The Founding Fathers never mentioned anything in the Constitution about intercepting emails."       (12-31)

* I know Benjamin Franklin doesn't hold much water with the President, but here goes, anyway: "Those that would give up essential liberty in pursuit of a little temporary security deserve neither liberty nor security."       (12-31)

* The United Police States of America       (12-31)

* The Bush Administration = RIGHTS RAPISTS       (12-31)

* I suppose it's unpatriotic to complain about being spied upon. How about, IT'S UNPATRIOTIC TO WANTONLY SPY ON YOUR OWN CITIZENS, DAMNIT?!       (12-31)

* NEOCONS are fascists dressed in Republican clothing.       (12-31)

* My interpretation of the latest leak investigation: "We must find and bring to justice those shameful criminals who leaked that we shameful criminals illegally spy on Americans at will."       (12-31)

* I can't even look at a "bush" in my backyard without puking.       (12-30)

* The Iraqi Pledge of Allegience: "One nation under God, completely divisible..."       (12-29)

* Beware of 3-letter abbreviations: GOP, CIA, FBI, IRS, NSA, KGB...       (12-28)

* "Bronco George" Bush: running roughshod on everybody's rights. Are ya gonna brand the terrorists, Mr. President? EEEEE-HAAAAA.       (12-28)

* The best country in the world should ACT like the best country in the world.       (12-27)

* Hey, NSA, spy on THIS!       (12-27)

* Sam Alito: he'll be good for reigning in some more of our civil liberties.       (12-27)

* God, I miss Harriet Miers.       (12-27)

* WAR: What A Racket       (12-27)

* SERENITY  NOW some other time       (12-26)

* Apparently, Muslims are radioactive.       (12-26)

* Merry Political Correctness       (12-25)

* IMPEACH THE SON OF A BUSH!       (12-25)

* Rampant NSA eavesdropping, growing illegal surveillance, civil liberties down the shitter...what's not to feel safe about?       (12-25)

* Wait: is it even possible to impeach a dictator, or is he granted immunity by the National Security Agency?       (12-25)


* "Fun with Dick and George": okay, Saddam is thee one guy you may torture.       (12-24)

* Call me "overly patriotic," but the first word that comes to mind when you mention "White House" is "OVERTHROW."       (12-24)

* You can only get away with lying to the ignorant or the arrogant.       (12-24)

* 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: home of the White LIE House.       (12-24)

* I'd like to wish George Bush and his entire administration a very Merry Christmas. May Satan Claus bring you all that you so rightfully deserve.        (12-22)

* Caught on video: Founding Fathers literally rolling in their graves.       (12-22)

* ANWR: Ain't No Way, Republicans       (12-22)

* On the lips of rosy-cheeked children throughout the land: "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth...and impeachment."       (12-22)

* Civil Liberties? What Civil Liberties? We don't need no stinking Civil Liberties! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

* George James Bond Bush: 00-WWJD       (12-21)

"C'mon people now,
Fire on your brother
Ev'rybody get together
Try and torture one another right now..."
   (Thanks to Chet Powers and The Youngbloods)    (12-21)

* So, you can only impeach a President if he has oral sex in the Oval Office, right?       (12-21)

* The Evolution of George Bush: President = Presidic = Dicsident = Dictator       (12-21)

* Intelligent Design has finally evolved into thin air, thank God.       (12-21)

* The President invokes his Constitutional interpretation to become George W. Bush, Presidential Dictator.       (12-20)

* "It's HARD WORK circumventin' the Constitution."       (12-20)

* The BUSH CHECK AND BALANCE SYSTEM: "I do whatever I want. You check and balance it."       (12-20)

* What's the big hairy deal about the Constitution anyway? It's not like it's sacred or anything.       (12-20)

* Leaking details about the NSA "a shameful act," Mr. President? YOU are one continuous shameful act.       (12-20)

* "To say 'unchecked power' basically is ascribing some kind of dictatorial position to the president, which I strongly reject." -Dictator George W. Bush       (12-20)

* George W. Bush never met a civil liberty he couldn't hijack.       (12-20)

* "A speech a day keeps the truth at bay."       (12-19)

* Dubya, who died and made you King?   (Karl Azid Hancher)    (12-18)

* Didn't we overthrow the British for acting this pompous?       (12-18)

* There's just no way JESUS would've stood for all this neocon malarkey. NO WAY IN HELL.       (12-18)

* George Walker Bush: Just how long can one nose grow?       (12-18)

* Since when were lying, corruption, spying, and treason PATRIOTIC?       (12-18)

* George W. Bush: "Lame Dead Duck Walking"       (12-18)

* IT'S PERSONAL NOW: I saw President "Spying Liar" speaking with Jim Lehrer last night on PBS. I have never witnessed a bigger embarrassment in my life. Lehrer was unyielding about the NSA spying scandal, torture, the Patriot Act, DeLay, Libby, and "THE LEAK." Bush was a fidgeting mess. He was so non-credible you could tell HE didn't even believe his own bullshit. You just knew he was coached by Scott McClellan. How anyone in their right-wing mind could honestly believe and support this unpatriotic bastard of a president is seriously beyond my comprehension. How ANYONE could look at this tyrant and feel good about being an American would require an overdose of ecstacy. I am ashamed he is my President, I am ashamed for what he's done to our Country, and I am ashamed of what he has done to the World. Ladies and gentlemen: George Walker Bush is unquestionably the TERRORIST we must fear most. AND, knowing what we know now, WHAT DON'T WE KNOW?!       (12-17)

* Welcome to the Oxymoron Hall of Fame = George W. Bush: "Taking away freedom to preserve freedom."        (12-17)

* President Bush: please bury your fascist Patriot Act in a grave right next to Terri Schiavo.       (12-17)

* George W. Bush: the Anti-Freedom.       (12-17)

* Menage-a-Fox: Hannity, O'Reilly, Novak. You boys got a lotta 'splainin' to do.       (12-17)

* For a man so bent on spreading freedom, he certainly has no problem taking it away from Americans.       (12-17)

* Ahmadinejad, the Tirant       (12-17)

* We WILL have World Peace sooner or later. It's just a matter of whether human beings will be here to enjoy it.       (12-16)

* So, you spied on your own countrymen, aye George? That's the kind of shit dictators do.       (12-16)

* That is so cool of President Bush to find Tom DeLay innocent. Why even bother to have a trial?       (12-16)

* "The United States does not torture, nor will we ever do it again."       (12-16)

* They voted in Iraq. All is forgiven, President Bush. (That's bizarre, a monkey just flew out of my butt.)       (12-15)

* The IRAQ SWORDSMEN will begin NFL play in 2006.       (12-15)

* Ecstatic over Iraq, President Bush promises pardons in advance for all Christian Pro-War staffers and Congressmen.       (12-15)

* "UNLICENSED CONTRACTORS build everything else."   (Thanks to Steve White)    (12-14)

* That bastard president of Iran reminds me ours. Do ya think just maybe they were separated at birth?       (12-14)

* What's 30,000 Iraqis, give or take a few?       (12-14)

* Oh goody, it's Purple Finger Time again.       (12-14)

* Redistrict Tom DeLay.       (12-13)

* "LEAVE IT TO HAMMER" starring Gerry Manders as "The Hammer."       (12-13)

* Equating the lawless immoral invasion of Iraq with the American Revolution is BLASPHEMY.       (12-13)

* Poet Laureate, Donald Rumsfeld bans use of the term "civil war."       (12-13)

* Democracies do not torture. Guess that puts the U.S. and Iraq on the "Not-A-Democracy List."       (12-13)

* "The Iraqi-Pokey"
You shoot your right foot in,
You shoot your right foot out;
You shoot your right foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Iraqi-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

* MERRY KALASHNIKOV       (12-12)

* The Bush Regime: "Fascists Spreading Democracy"       (12-12)

* President Bush and I actually have something in common: I like horse racing and he's a horse's ass.       (12-11)

* The only BUSH I trust is REGGIE !       (12-11)

* You know "he's" thinkin' it: "We can defeat global warming by defeating the terrorists in Iraq who also flew our planes into the Twin Towers on 9/11."       (12-11)

* Apparently unbeknownst to many in "The Regime," THE BILL OF RIGHTS does not refer to RIGHT-wingers.        (12-10)

* Do you wanna be safe or free? You can't be both, so that's why we have the Patriot Act.       (12-10)

* HOLY FRIJOLE! What are we gonna do about immigration?       (12-10)

* We've entered the "Chronicles of IRANarnia."       (12-10)

* Iran's President Ahmadinejad has learned how to talk revolting "smack" from the master of obnoxious arrogance, President Bush.        (12-10)

* Thank God the U.S. isn't falling for any of that Clinton crap about global warming jeopardizing our children's future.       (12-10)

* All right, MORE tax cuts for the rich. WOOO-HOOO!!!       (12-09)


* The Patriot Act = Constitutional Colonoscopy       (12-09)

* Bush Regime logic: "A warmer globe is more conducive to spreading freedom."       (12-09)

* The United States probably uses a kinder, gentler torture, right?        (12-08)

* Okay, so the President of the United States is a torturing S.O.B.   BUT, he IS really kind to animals.       (12-08)

* The White House is one LOUSY role model.       (12-08)

* "Will there be abuses of policy? That's entirely possible. Just because you're a democracy, it doesn't mean that you're perfect." --Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice on detainee treatment. (Well, I'm certainly relieved.)       (12-08)

* Essentially, the Secretary of State argues that democracies have the "FREEDOM" to torture.       (12-08)

* Why, I believe it's "FORK TIME" for pretty much the whole damned administration: STICK A FORK IN 'EM ALL!       (12-08)

* Slick Madison Avenue PR firm hired to promote War with "Smell the Democracy" ads.       (12-08)

* Abu George       (12-08)

* "Cheneyac": the worst kind of maniac.        (12-08)

* John Murtha: this hawk's a dove.       (12-08)

* The President certainly spins a helluva good fairy tale: "...And all the good little Iraqi boys and girls lived happily ever after in their brand new terror-free democracy..."       (12-08)

* Damnit, George, would you just give it up and go save some money on your car insurance for Godsakes.       (12-08)

* President Bush, you've been "MURTHAnized."       (12-08)

* Friends Don't Let Friends Torture Detainees       (12-07)

* I assume the Iraqis will be celebrating Christmas now that they're a democracy and all.       (12-07)

* Here's an epiphany for you: what if really good folks ran our country?       (12-07)

* Let's clear this up once and for all: The United States does NOT condone torture, but rather, "the gentle rendition of voluntary information from detainees at secret locales."       (12-07)

* Why are we so damn worried about the bird flu when we've got The Bush Pandemic on our hands?       (12-07)

* Condoleezza, is it time to stick a fork in you, too?        (12-07)

* Apparently, the United States is in the last throes of safety.       (12-06)

* Condi's rendition: "We're in the last throes of torturing detainees in our secret global jails. Oops, did I say 'our'?!"        (12-06)

* FEMA asks the LEGO Group to submit New Orleans levee bid.       (12-06)

* Ever the wordsmith, Rumsfeld calls the planted Pentagon stories "Proper-ganda."       (12-06)

* "Saddam" Cheney has a nice ring to it.       (12-06)

* Keep smiling, TOM.       (12-06)

* Torture isn't that bad of a thing if it's patriotic.       (12-05)

* A hell of a lot of innocent people are dying for your sins, Bush Regime.       (12-05)

* Michael Brown, Disaster Consultant, 1-800-BROWNIE       (12-05)

* We haven't forgotten Katrina, have we, Bush Regime?       (12-05)

* We've all climbed off your "Freedom-Spreader," George.       (12-05)

* President "Catch-22" has accomplished this mission in Iraq: we dare not stay, yet we dare not leave. Perfect neocon harmony.       (12-05)

* Winning the War on Terror is no more difficult that winning the War on Black Holes.       (12-05)

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