Shot Off The Press
November 2005

I'll be back on Monday. Maybe we'll have won the war on terror by defeating the insurgency (OOPS! I mean, "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government") by then. Rumsfeld credits "an epiphany" for his new terminology. It does just roll right off the tongue. Don, you're such a dingleberry.

* George W. Bush, The Great Polarizer, likens himself to Abraham Lincoln in that they're both Civil War Presidents.       (11-30)

* A good sign: nearly 58% of all Iraqi troops are successful in daily personal hygiene without U.S. support.       (11-30)

* The President promises the troops, the nation, and the world he will "Stay the course" fighting the insurgency he keeps replenishing. BRAVO.       (11-30)

* I'm reading all these conspiracy theories about the Bush Regime, and 9/11, and the Wolfowitz Plan, and their pukingly arrogant ideas of dominating the Middle East by first invading Iraq...AND SUDDENLY...they don't seem like theories ANYMORE.    (Many Thanks & Kudos to Brother Jim'l Alley)    (11-29)

* So, may I assume Social Security is fixed since I haven't heard a thing about it for so long?        (11-29)

* Always a man of his word, The President promises to fix those dang levees if he has to hire Michael Brown and Halliburton to do it.        (11-29)

* Here's the partial list: Pray for Scooter, Hammer, and Duke.       (11-29)

* FEMA hires Illegal Alien WallCo to erect border-barriers throughout the Southwest and around all Wal*Marts.        (11-29)

* Elect Judge Samuel Alito: Right on the money, Right on time, Right on religion, Right on Roe, Right for the Right, Righter than Harriet Miers...just so, well, Right on.        (11-29)

* President Bush calls on Intelligent Designers to tackle Global Warming.       (11-29)

* You know that old Seinfeld line: "NEWMAN!?" The White House version: "MURTHA!"       (11-29)

* Randy "Duke" Cunningham: one of the many faces of the NEW Republican Party: kind of in the Tom DeLay mold.       (11-29)

* IRAQ ~ STICK A FORK IN IT.       (11-26)

* U.S. Military recruitment: eerily LOW. Terrorist recruitment: eerily HIGH.        (11-26)

* Rx for an ailing world: 1. Exit Iraq.   2. Impeach and convict the bastards who took us there.       (11-26)

* If you're accusing me of calling bush, cheney, rove, rumsfeld, condi, libby, wolfowitz, & delay traitors, I'M HONORED.        (11-26)

* I'm taking a month off from the War to shop.         (not.)    (11-25)

* Damn that Cindy Sheehan. Won't she ever leave the President alone? The Bush Family's just trying to have a peaceful Thanksgiving away from all the torture 'n stuff.       (11-25)

* It's time to pause and give thanks for so much great writing material. I just wish is wasn't so. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ONE AND ALL. PLEASE KEEP READING. THAT'S WHAT KEEPS ME GOING. WITHOUT YOU, "THEY" WIN. SCREW 'EM!--Grant W. "Brad" Gerver.       (11-24)

* On sale NOW! The Tom-O-Sonogram Machine® ~ "Perfect for the Amateur Obstetrician & Gynecologist in Us All"       (11-24)

* Scientelligy ~ Combining the best of Scientology and Intelligent Design       (11-24)

* "The Artificial Mark on the Wall" has reached 2102 U.S. War Dead in Iraq. (It would only seem fair to add in ALL OTHER CASUALTIES as well.)       (11-24)

* Yes, the Bush White House DID certainly manipulate intelligence and advance falsehoods to take us into war and keep us there. But, to keep suggesting it is reprehensible and dishonest.       (11-23)

* Bush wanted to bomb Al-Jazeera? That is so hilarious. Of course, he was joking, you numbskull. There's no way they even had one WMD.       (11-23)

* Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, any moral fiber this adminstration had, ended up where most fiber does.       (11-23)

* A word for today: Go out and torture someone less fortunate than you. It's the American thing to do.       (11-22)

* Here's the total beauty of DeLay's argument to dismiss charges: "I didn't conspire to do anything illegal with CASH. They were CHECKS, dumbass!"       (11-22)

* RumsFELD, SeinFELD: is there a connection?       (11-22)

* Vice President of Torture, Cheney, SIR: troop withdrawal would be a victory against profits for you and Halliburton, SIR.       (11-22)

* Dear once-esteemed Senator Tom DeLay: don't worry about Michael Scanlon spilling the beans. Prisons can ALWAYS use a good bug man.       (11-22)

* If only PEACE were personally profitable for our neocon fascist leaders. If only...       (11-21)

* America's most-desired fruit: imPEACHment       (11-21)

* Having wowed all of Asia, a triumphant President feels certain democracy is spreading like a pandemic throughout the region.       (11-21)

* Bold withdrawal plan would pull one troop per day out of Iraq, maybe 2, if the situation stabilizes.       (11-21)

* A Message to Democrats: get candidates who actually have a conscience, tell the truth, have triple-digit I.Q.'s, provide answers, hope, solutions, and have no ties to Satan, for a CHANGE. Now, do any exist?        (11-20)

* In a show of holiday goodwill, Vice President of Torture, Dick Cheney, will divest himself of 1/100 % of his Halliburton stock and donate it to the Scooter Libby Defense Fund.       (11-20)

* You know damn well Cheney has a concealed tail.       (11-20)

* Withdrawing all troops now would send terrorists the wrong message. It would be admitting that Bush-Cheney and Company made a huge and grievous error invading in the first place.       (11-20)

...Do great minds think alike? I believe so!~
* "George W. Bush, after years of effort, has finally been enshrined in the Guiness Book as the WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE. Hearty congratulations, Mr. President."    (Borther, yes "Borther," Karl Azid from Flagstaff)    (11-19)

* "I understand the special prosecutor is convening a new grand jury. That's gotta be good news. Take down Cheney!!!!!! and Rove!!!!! Give the World's Biggest Assholes three pounds of EXLAX and get outa' the way! "   (Brother Chazgood Dense from Juneau)    (11-19)

* LONG DIE THE PATRIOT ACT!   (Like I'm gonna support an Act whose biggest advocates are the most UNPATRIOTIC Torturers & Traitors of ALL TIME. Yeah, Right.)    (11-19)

* Bill O'Reilly, aka "Billy O'Qaeda"       (11-19)

* I love all these old military guys layin' the wood on Bush & Cheney: now it's Admiral Stansfield Turner calling Dick "The Vice President of Torture." Ouch.       (11-19)

* What's with all the worry about "emboldening insurgents?" That MISSION's already been ACCOMPLISHED.       (11-18)

* Visualize "W" & Dick as we all sing-a-long: "I fell in to a burnin' ring of fire; I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher. And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire..."    (Words and music by the immortal JOHNNY CASH.)    (11-18)

* Mr. President: you're up to your NEQ in IRAQ.       (11-18)

* Holy Crap! The President's running out of places to visit!       (11-18)

* Those damn Democrats are part of a vast left-wing, and even a growing right-wing conspiracy of common sense, decency, and oh yeah, democracy.       (11-18)

* George & Dick, if we give you guys the chopper, would you promise not to make a big stink and just leave?       (11-18)

* CLINTON FINALLY INHALES: Iraq is a "big mistake."       (11-18)

* Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.), 37-year Marine Veteran and conservative hawk, is calling for the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, calling the war "flawed policy wrapped in an illusion." Oh no, not another White House hissy fit.       (11-18)

* American War Hero, Rep. John Murtha: "I like guys who've never been there that criticize us who've been there. I like that. I like guys who got five deferments and never been there and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done." Dick Cheney, you've got nothin', buddy. NOTHIN'.       (11-18)

* Have you ever seen two guys campaign harder not to lose their jobs than "The Twin Presidents?"       (11-17)

* The apparent early effect of Bob Woodward's bombshell: "Hand grenades to all, and to all, a good night."       (11-17)

* Bush, Cheney promise patriotic pens for all Americans.       (11-17)

* The Bush Administration: it's sort of the torture-nurture style of governing.       (11-17)

* NOTICE: SeriousKidding.com complies with Major League Baseball's Steroid and Amphetamine Drug Policy.
       (11-16)

* Now, let's not get all touchy-feely about using white phosphorous as a chemical weapon in Fallujah. Good Lord, Iraqis don't even speak English, and they certainly don't go to chruch.       (11-16)

* You gotta give the Bush camp at least a smidgen of credit: though they didn't intend to, they've completely destabilized the world and our nation. That's pretty damn monumental anyway you cut it.       (11-16)

* I'd feel only slightly better if the Vice President spelled his name "Chain-ey." It just goes better with torture.       (11-16)

* I support George the Barbarian       (11-16)

* It appears that the going mission statement in Iraq and elsewhere is: "WE MUST TERRORIZE THE TERRORISTS BEFORE AND AFTER THEY TERRORIZE US."       (11-16)

* Dr. Condoleezza Rice: Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat so that you could advance the Bush-Cheney agenda? Forgive me, but that is just more irony than I can bear.       (11-16)

* The President is reportedly so down, he has resorted to watching last year's debate tapes while mumbling, "I won him, didn't I, Karl?"       (11-16)

* Even some of your own Neocon Fascists are turning on you, George. That's gotta just torture the livin' daylights outa' ya.       (11-16)

* Ethics Shmethics.        (11-16)

* Evidence of widespread Presidential poll tampering suggests approval numbers are likely much lower than they appear.       (11-16)

* Listen, President Bush, if the Democrats could actually rewrite history, you certainly wouldn't be part of it.       (11-15)

* "My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Detainees..."       (11-15)

* Boy, could the President and Vice President ever use another 9/11 right now.       (11-15)

* Senator Kerry: if you'd gone after President Heckuvajob like this, LAST YEAR, maybe you'd BE the President.   (Of course, you still would've been up against the voting machines.)    (11-15)

* "Patriothetic": blindly supporting the President, right or wrong.       (11-15)

* Rove threatens to sue all polling organizations who include any Presidential data.        (11-15)

* Boy, thanks a million, President Bilk, for that new Medicare Prescription Drug Plan: "The Beauty of Bureaucracy Combined with the Complexity and Frustration our Seniors Have come to Expect from The Government in Their Golden Years."       (11-15)

* President Bush says criticizing the war sends the wrong message to the troops. What about the one they got telling them they had to go to Iraq? That wasn't WRONG?        (11-14)

* Other good things about Global Warming: fewer pesky glaciers, and cheaper bottled water.       (11-14)

* I keep having these "DUH" moments: why does so much of our money go toward destroying or preparing to destroy life, rather than toward helping to save it or better it? Altogether now: DUH.       (11-14)

* You know, the President leaves the country so often these days (I guess he's running from ever-lowering poll numbers) that you find yourself hoping he might not come back. Hey, George, Saudi Arabia looks good on you!       (11-14)

* The War on Terror: Love it or Leave It.       (11-14)

* GEORGE W. BUSH, MAN OF DIGNUTTY       (11-13)

* Hey, you Goddamn coward, why don't you try attacking War Critics outside a military base without a hand-picked audience?       (11-13)

* I love the sound of Presidential approval ratings in the solitude of a quiet, peaceful morning: "plummeting...plummeting...plummeting..."       (11-13)

* Convict Tom DeLay and sentence him to 8 hours a day watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.       (11-13)

* Ah the irony: Clinton is impeached for being a letch. Bush must be scared to death, being a war criminal and a traitor and all.       (11-13)

* Pat Robertson is so beyond PATHETIC, he's not even worth lampooning.        (11-13)

* A Really Idiotic Thought: Divert a mere $50 million from the military budget every day straight to finding CURES for CANCER, AIDS, ALZHEIMER'S, PARKINSON'S, YOU NAME IT. Now, that's really stupid! (And, it's only $18 billion out of $500 billion a year!)       (11-12)

* Quit bashing the President and the War. You're undercutting troop morale. Okay, okay, so there isn't any morale. Still, support the President.       (11-12)

* The best way to pull out of Iraq: LEAVE, DAMNIT!       (11-12)

* I support the President. Just not THIS President.       (11-12)

* In a nutshell, George, THE JIG IS UP.       (11-12)

* Today, President Bush declared: "We will never back down. We will never give in. We will never accept anything less than complete victory." The liar in his worst hour, desecrating yet another Veteran's Day.       (11-11)

* Drooling over potential photo-op gold, President Bush will begin visiting mosques.       (11-11)

* Science + Intelligent Design = ScIDence: "Science with a heart and Bible."       (11-11)

* President Bush, We the People salute your stubbornness: it is undoubtedly taking you lower than we could have ever imagined, until hopefully, you'll be impeached and convicted.        (11-11)

* The Few. The Proud. THE CORRUPTLICANS.
       (11-11)

* "Now children, give Miss Grindstone your lunch slips, then let us salute the flag, knowing in our hearts that evolution is Satan's science..."       (11-11)

* Arnold: GOOD NEWS!!! You can work full-time on your body again!!!       (11-11)

* QUIT PICKING ON BIG OIL. DO YOU WANNA DRIVE OR NOT?   (Paid for by Halliburton, CheneyCorp, BushCo, Saudi Arabia, and YOU, Dumb Ass)    (11-10)

* I'm from KansASS.   (Yeah, Chazgood!)    (11-10)

* As she leaves the N.Y. Times building, Judith Miller defiantly flaunts "Scooter" tattoo on bosom.       (11-10)

* Oh well, only 2000+ US soldiers killed in Iraq . At the 5000 mark I may start to vote against that war.   (That's my Jim'l: always examining the hard facts before coming to a sensible conclusion.)    (11-10)

* Dear Tom DeLay: If for some crazy reason you're not convicted, and deservedly NOT re-elected, you'd make a great "science" teacher in Kansas.       (11-10)

* Calling all Intelligent Designers: 10% discount everyday at all Kansas Wal*Marts.       (11-10)

* Kansas: where science, reason, and common sense all go to die.       (11-9)

* TORTURE BUSH, CHENEY, RUMSFELD, LIBBY, & ROVE. After all, they're terrorists.       (11-9)

* Bush is making everyone at the White House take ethics classes? How in the hell do you top that?       (11-9)

* A little good-natured torture never hurt anybody.       (11-9)

* Couldn't they find a little something for Terrell Owens to do at the White House?       (11-9)

* I gotta few items of real concern that are flying under the radar we should all be vigilant about: possible Presidential pardons; just who's benefitting from all those vaccines having to do with bird flu, small pox, & anthrax; just how evil can 1 lying V.P. be?   (Thanks, Chas.)    (11-9)

* Compassion is infinitely more powerful than any bomb or war...unless you're ignorant, arrogant, corrupt, a liar...or all four.       (11-9)

* Gosh darn, Arnold. I'm kinda' thinkin' it really IS "Hasta la vista, baby." You really WON'T be back this time.       (11-9)

* Here's how you beat terrorism: you pull out of Iraq. Then, immediately start using the billions you save to aid all those dying Pakistani quake victims, simultaneously searching for as many other opportunities to help as many people in the world as you possibly can, including here. Then, never stop. EVER.      (11/8)

* Bush & Cheney issue a joint statement through Scott McClellan to clear the air: "We do not torture. It only appears that way. It's actually 'protecting'. Protecting the American people. Honestly, you could call it 'protecture'."        (11-8)

* Let's call a truce: I'll quit blasting the President if those of you who voted for him strip naked and run off into the sunset.        (11-8)

* Here's a way the Administration could put a real positive spin on the war: for every American death, permanently lower the price of gas by one cent.       (11-8)

* The President offers heartfelt Parisian condolences: "It's hard work being French."       (11-8)

* R-E-L-A-X with BushMeditation: breathe deeply while you count to 10 and slowly clench your fist. Thrust it gently, yet firmly, through your television screen or computer monitor. Smile as you dress wounds and price new equipment.       (11-8)

* Time to turn over a new leaf. Me and President Bush put our pants on one leg at a time. (I just happen to have a much higher approval rating, that's all.)       (11-8)

* Regarding Charles & Camilla: now there's a job you could get to like. You just kinda' walk around while people fawn over you 'n treat you like royalty 'n stuff.       (11-8)

* Dear France: drink some wine. It'll be fine. Or, consult Rumsfeld. He's always good in a crisis.       (11-8)

* I'll tell ya what isn't fair: that Goddamn SATAN doggin' our Blessed Holy White House.    (Thanks, Brother Jim'l.)    (11-7)

* On an autobiographical note: some folks think I am bitter, angry, and extremely pissed-off. I prefer "livid."       (11-7)

* Vice President of the United States of America, Dick B.T.K. Cheney       (11-7)

* The prevailing mood at the White House: "Not torturing detainees is for pussies."       (11-7)

* Now Playing in Bush's Brain: "We must fight terror WITH terror."       (11-7)

* CorruptioNation       (11-6)

* The Bushie-Brownie Fashion Statement: "It's hard work rolling up your sleeves."       (11-6)

* Why isn't President Bush racing over to France to lend a helping hand? He's such a master at controlling insurgent behavior.        (11-6)

* The White House Philosophy of Power: "Abuse It or Lose It."       (11-6)

* We're all being BUSHboozled.       (11-6)

* The President is not worried about his lowest-ever ratings: "It's not like I'm 'Brownie.' "       (11-6)

* I suppose there are Weapons of Mass Destruction in ANWR, thus we must drill it.      (11-5)

* THE BUSH LEGACY: MISSION DISGUSTED       (11-5)

* MORE CARS. FEWER SPECIES.       (11-5)

* They just love you to pieces in Argentina, Mr. President.       (11-5)

* Secret White House surgeon admits performing conscience-ectomies on President Bush and his inner circle.       (11-3)

* The CIA is running secret terror jails? Oh, I just can't believe that could happen on Honest Abe Bush's watch.       (11-3)

* Another day, another scandal. When do we get to say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?!" It is high time WE throw those Bush bums out on the street with a sack lunch and a Medal of Freedom.   (But, I'm not pissed.)    (11-3)

* Damn those discourteous Democrats, demanding to know how the case for war was made, and believing the truth should be told to the American people. You call that "staying the course?!"       (11-3)

* "President" & "Bush" go together about as well as "President" & "SeriousKidding."       (11-3)


* ROSA PARKS ~ MOTHER OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT ~ YOUR MEMORY LIVES ON FOREVER ~      


* The Bush "Pivot Points":

  • Try picking Supreme Court nominee
  • Try scaring nation with bird flu pandemic
  • Try leaving the country to intimidate other countries
  • Try staging terrorist attack
  • Try coming out of closet
  • Try breaking leg
  • Try divorcing Laura
  • Try growing long hair and attending rock concerts
  • Try firing Karl...
  •        (11-2)

    * Just an innocent little prediction, nothing more: karl christian turd blossom rove, you're a goner.       (11-2)

    * White House Weather Forecast: increasingly heavy precipitation, mainly in the form of shit, with no let-up in sight.       (11-2)

    * Just so you know: Cheney has replaced one goon, Scooter, with two goons, Hannah & Addington. They've got gallons of American and Iraqi blood on their hands, too.        (11-2)

    * Scooter Libby need not worry about losing his job. He must realize that there is always an opening at FOX for a right-wing convicted felon. I envision the "Ollie and Scooter Hour" , or maybe even the "Liddy and Libby Show".     ~ Karl Azid    (11-1)

    * The President makes the case that approving Sam Alito for the Supreme Court will also turn the tide against a bird flu pandemic.       (11-1)

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