Shot Off The Press
October 2005

* Scooter Libby's Lawyer: Harriet Miers. Libby's replacement: "Brownie."    ~ Spike Gerver    (10-30)

* Hey, I'm cool with lying. But, it needs to be with 5-year-olds, not Presidential-aged children.       (11-1)

* ABORT Alito        (11-1)

* Dear Patrick Fitzgerald: you've done a great job, indeed. Please do not stop there. Your Friend, America.       (10-30)

* Proudly ROVE-O-PHOBIC       (10-30)

* George W. Bush can't even take a leak without Karl Rove.       (10-30)

* "Politics": Latin for "prostate exam."       (10-30)

* Even if the Bush twins did serve in Iraq, would you feel any better about the War?       (10-30)

* President Bush: putting the "JERK" in big F*****G lying arrogant treasonous neocon Republican JERK.       (10-30)

** 1/30~I have returned. One indictment will have to do. I am grateful. May more be forthcoming.* I will be out of town till Sunday, 10/30. May many great indictments be handed down in the meantime.        (10-26)

* 2001 TROOPS DEAD ON YOUR WATCH AND COUNTING, PRESIDENT PINOCCHIO.       (10-26)

* On bended knee, a whimpering George Bush prays with all his might for a bird flu pandemic to save his sorry ass.       (10-26)

* Now hold your f*c*i*g horses one damn minute here. If you think our beloved Vice President could even be remotely involved in anything so illegal as leaking an undercover CIA agent's name, well, you're just background noise.       (10-25)

* Dick Cheney has that ripe Spiro-Agnew stench about him, doesn't he?!       (10-25)

* For all the good it does, FEMA will be outsourced to India.       (10-25)

* I'm sure Judith Miller was bankrolled for her jail stay by the soon-to-be-indicted.       (10-25)

* The Presidential Indictment Spin Squad (P.I.S.S.) streams into action.       (10-24)

* BUSHBLOSSOM ~ "Fertilizing Terror Since 2003" ~ #1 Choice of Terrorists ~       (10-23)

* The President orders all mirrors removed from the White House.       (10-23)

* Harriet Miers, the Democratic Party thanks you from the bottom its heart.       (10-23)

* George Bush is trying desperately to be the modern-day Ronald Reagan. No more LSD for you, W. But, maybe if you retooled your expectations to someone more reachable, like Senator Joseph McCarthy, you'd have a snowball's chance .       (10-22)

* You know damn well the President wishes terrorism was a big ol' wall and he could say to Saddam in a globally televised address: "President Hussein, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!"       (10-22)

* Regarding Tom DeLay's smiling mug shot (take 2): you'd be smiling too if you got to screw an entire nation anytime you wanted.        (10-22)

* God, what if almost everybody at the White House is indicted?! What'll we do?! May I suggest a nationwide block party?       (10-22)

* George Bush so wants to be like Reagan that he's taken to calling his wife Nancy.       (10-22)

* Bush's ace-in-the-hole: bird flu. Behind-the-scenes preparations are already underway linking it to 9/11, al-Qaeda, Saddam, & Iraq.        (10-21)

* You know how quickly time flies? Well, Bush actually has a way of slowing it down.       (10-21)

* Regarding Tom DeLay's smiling mug shot: great dart board material.       (10-21)

* In honor of Senator Tom DeLay's booking, let us remember The Hammer's sweet side: "Terri Schiavo is not brain-dead; she talks and she laughs, and she expresses happiness and discomfort. Terri Schiavo is not on life support." -Tom DeLay, March 20, 2005       (10-20)

* In light of Condi's rousing Senate refusal to rule out U.S. Troops being in Iraq for 10 years or more, I'd like to quote Donald Rumsfeld's 2003 prediction that the war might "last six days, six weeks, I doubt six months."       (10-20)

* Bush goes generic: "Crony, you're doing a heckuva job."       (10-20)

* "God, ya can't even burn dead Taliban bodies anymore? Damn, they're takin' all the fun outa' bein' in a war for oil."       (10-20)

* Secretary Rice suffers from Miersmentia: "I would follow George Bush off a cliff. In fact, I pretend he's my husband."       (10-20)

* Bush calling his lastest troubles "background noise" is like calling your gunshot wound "drafty."       (10-20)

* Sensing a drastic need for protection, many Republicans are wearing bulletproof shoes.       (10-20)

* Gee Don, why would China suddenly feel threatened by a country that invaded another based on a pack of lies just to get oil?       (10-20)

* Fearing another "Katrina moment," Bush sends $50 billion in water, ice, and feeding tubes to brother Jeb ahead of Wilma.       (10-19)

* Unaware of an open mic, the President is recorded demanding to know why FEMA can't veer Hurricane Wilma away from the U.S.       (10-19)

* And you holy Republicans were going to cleanse the Beltway, aye? It's Medal of Freedom time for you.       (10-19)

* Desperate to win over conservatives, Harriet Miers claims "Bush being the most brilliant man she'd ever met" a thought implanted by aliens.       (10-19)

* Visualize Indictments. Lots of 'em.       (10-19)

* "Taking no chances, Bush sent Florida and Ohio over to Iraq for the Big Vote."   --Karl "abiggerbang" Azid-Hancher    (10-18)

* Okay, George, you've got your damned Iraqracy. Now let's go home.       (10-18)

* Wouldn't it be bitchen if Dick Cheney were in HIS last throes?       (10-18)

* Okay, who is Judy Miller sleeping with or being paid by? She's about as credible as WMD intelligence.       (10-18)

* The Big Vote is over.
Democracy has won.
The Insurgency is finished.
Terrorism done.
So why do I feel
Like it ain't what it seems?
Bush & his cronies praise God
While the corpses scream
.
       (10-17)

* Mark my words: when it's all said and done, the man we'll all be thanking, where all Republican sewer lines of corruption will lead, is none other than Mr. Jack Abramoff. Thanks a million, Jack Baby.       (10-17)

* A jubilant Bush vows to withdraw "at least 10 troops by the end of 2006, maybe more!" Hallelujah-Fallujah!       (10-16)

* ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY, October 17, 1998: Scott McClellan says something meaningful.       (10-17)

* Waiting in the wings: Rush is poised to take over for Karl, assuming all duties as "Turd Blossom II."       (10-16)

* One month on, one month off: the President heads back to Crawford for some much needed branding and brush-clearing.       (10-16)

* So, NOW is it official? We can call Iraq "The Democratic Crown Jewel of the Middle East?"       (10-16)

* It's so funny, but I still don't think they've ever found any Weapons of Mass Destruction, unless it's Rove, Abramoff, DeLay, Frist, Libby, and Miers.       (10-16)

* I am still waiting for those rose petals to be strewn at the Troops' feet. And while we're at it, why is it we're not celebrating a National Day of Something-Or-Other to celebrate "The Big Vote" here in the States? It's not worth a day off?       (10-16)

* Great ad-lib with the Troops the other day, George. You weren't wooden as a fence post. It only seemed that way.       (10-16)

* Jeb & Harriet are dispatched to Bushdad to "authenticate" Saturday's big vote.       (10-15)

* Rivers of sweat flood the White House and pour onto Pennsylvania Avenue.       (10-15)

* President Photo-Op ponders a movie career once his job of destabilizing the world and pillaging the country is done.       (10-14)

* Bush bemoans "a culture of indictment."       (10-14)

* You don't suppose there's any chance Saturday's big vote is already predetermined like 2000 & '04, do you?       (10-14)

* George Bush is the modern-day version of Will Rogers: he never met a photo-op he didn't like.       (10-14)

* Seen on Tom DeLay's bumper: EXTERMINATE RONNIE EARL!       (10-14)

* The President and his cronies suspect there's a conspiracy afoot to undermine the White House by a damned group of truth-seeking evil doers. Or as Karl Rove likes to call them, "Smartypants Liberals."       (10-14)

* The capitol of Iraq will now be called Bushdad.       (10-13)

* OF COURSE it doesn't matter what a Supreme Court nominee's religion is, or that she bleeds Evangelical Christian pro-life walking-with-Jesus heavenly goodness.       (10-13)

* President Bush: "The Indictment Stops Here."       (10-13)

* The best way to combat skyrocketing heating costs: learn to live with hypothermia.       (10-13)

* George W. Bush is a "rhetorictician."   (Casey Spike Gerver)    (10-12)

* So, God is a "Hawk?"       (10-12)

* The Bush Bird Flu Protection Plan: shotguns for every male over 13.       (10-12)

* "LMEUV" ~ GM unveils high-mileage "Lawn Mower Engine Utility Vehicle"       (10-12)

* Laura Bush cautions Harriet Miers: "If you get any closer to the President, we'll be havin' us a good ol' Texas-style bra-'n-panties slap fight."       (10-12)

* I proudly wear my George W. Bush Commemorative Gulf Coast Tool Belt.       (10-12)

* The Great Republican Slip of the Tongue: "WE WILL BE VINDICTED!"       (10-12)

* Abramoff, DeLay, Rove, Libby, Frist, & Safavian (just to name a few): have you noticed those who are closest to the President get in the worst trouble? It's peer pressure, I'm tellin' ya.       (10-12)

* Eradicate bird flu: make chickens extinct. Then, quickly find something else that everything tastes like.       (10-11)

* SeriousKidding.com encourages you to vote, and vote often, this Saturday.       (10-11)

* Somebody PLEASE get a big hook and yank the President off the stage for Christ's sake.       (10-11)

* I'm pit bullish on Harriet.       (10-10)

* President Bush: The Disaster Attractor.       (10-10)

* Should Brownie fill in for Karl or be dispatched to Pakistan for the relief effort? Decisions, decisions.       (10-10)

* Is Boy George related to George Bush by chance? (It could happen.)       (10-9)

* Despite the world crumbling all around him, George W. Bush just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.       (10-8)

* Remember all that big election talk about moral values? Yeah, well that pretty much evaporated along with Bush's approval ratings.       (10-8)

* The President admits with a wry little smile that he'd kinda' like the Gulf Coast to be renamed "The Bush Coast" after he rebuilds it.       (10-8)

* I could believe George Bush is on a mission from Satan, but not God.       (10-8)

* What Would Georgesus Do?       (10-8)

* Bush claims to have invaded Iraq, amongst other things, because he was on a mission from God??? I must drink.       (10-7)

* Tell me this thought doesn't make you all giddy and tingly: they're readying two cells at Sing Sing for Turd Blossom and The Hammer.        (10-7)

* Who gives a damn about Bush, Iraq, terrorism, and hurricanes? JESSICA SIMPSON AND NICK LACHEY HAVE SPLIT!       (10-7)

* A dementedly desperate President takes his case to the people: "We must stay the course in Iraq because of links to 9/11. While they may not have existed before the war, they do now, because of the war."        (10-7)

* How on Earth does one win a War on Terror? How will you know when it's over, George? Will all the terrorists just flat surrender? How will you know you got 'em all?       (10-7)

* A grim President Bush now believes the only way to succeed in Iraq is to move toward the 50-state model.    (This op-ed influenced me greatly: "Iraq Slips Away" ~ Washington Post)     (10-6)

* Violence is expected to increase before the Iraqi vote on 10/15, thus the insurgency is truly in its last throes. Any fool knows that.        (10-6)

* George has a Bushstorm: "We must rid the world of cars, backpacks and anything else that's capable of carrying explosives."       (10-6)

* An indictment a day keeps the Republicans at bay.       (10-5)

* Harriet Miers, the pit bull in size 6 shoes from Bush's inner circle: disliked by the most conservative right-wingers, she IS liked by many Democrats. Doncha' just love a good Republican train wreck?       (10-5)

* Pretty obvious by now that SATAN's a Republican.       (10-5)

* Never underestimate the power of a flaming asshole: NOW get out there and SUPPORT YOUR PRESIDENT.       (10-4)

* Wave of the Future: "Free Liter of Soda with Every $250 Fill-Up."   (~Steve "Stray Dog" Rice)    (10-4)

* William Bennett states his case: "When I said abort all black babies, it was taken out of context. I meant just the ones of African decent."       (10-4)

* I.D.I.O.T. ~ Intelligent Design Is Outrageously sToopid   (~Chas Dense)   (10-4)

* AMERICA: Love it AND Change It       (10-4)

* BUG OFF, DeLAY!   (~Spike Gerver)    (10-4)
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Hey GOOD FRIENDS, I'll be away for a few days. Till then, why don't you try writing some of your own lines and send me your best one or two? I'm always happy to post them with your name if they pass muster. Sometimes I have to rework 'em a little, but you still get credit for the idea. Thanks a million. -grant ~ P.S. If you ever tried to put my Highlight Box on your site and failed, it had a glitch in the code which Joe, my friend and programmer, has just fixed. P.P.S. Send a line or two anytime.

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