Shot Off The Press
September 2005

* Karen Hughes: diplomatic hooker. Too bad no one's interested.       (9-30)

* I will be glad to conserve energy when President "Idiot Stick" does.       (9-30)

* Only 1 Iraqi battalion is capable of fighting on its own now? It used to 3. Quit being so pessimistic. It could be ZERO.       (9-30)

* Global warming doesn't cause hurricanes. Terrorists do.       (9-30)

* Tom DeLay is indicted: "The Hammer" is nailed.       (9-29)

* George Bush is the "Self-Inflicting President." Terrorists don't have to do a thing except watch the news.       (9-29)

* Tom DeLay: one down. Rove, you're next.       (9-29)

* I'm not sayin' you should be a Democrat. I'm not sayin' you shouldn't be religious. But, if you still support George Bush, you are as guilty as he is.       (9-29)

* Pray for Tom DeLay......to be returned to his exterminator business.       (9-29)

* Declaring, "Bushie, you're doing a heck of a job," Mike Brown refuses to admit mistakes, preferring to blame others, just like "Bushie."       (9-28)

* FEMA, FEMA Bo BEMA, bonana fanna fo FEMA, fee fy mo mema, FE-MA.       (9-28)

* Intelligent Design = Science Land Mine.       (9-28)

* Incredible irony: the intelligent design battle is being fought in the courts on the 100th anniversary of EINSTEIN'S E=mc2. Wonder what Albert would have thought?       (9-28)

* It shouldn't have to hurt to be an American.       (9-27)

* Hell, if the bird flu gets loose, none a' this'll matter anyway.       (9-27)

* Isn't it odd that all 4 letters in "Bush" are found in "Bullshit?" I think not.       (9-27)

* President Bush was jubilant over the arrest of Cindy Sheehan and hopes she'll be held at Abu Ghraib. Me? I hope she's nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. (Thanks to Dave Coe, UravelShop.com)        (9-27)

* Bush is flying all over hell and back telling us to conserve energy. That's rich. All he's good at conserving is common sense and morality. (Thanks to Michael Barrick.)       (9-27)

* Somebody oughta' whack that Charles Darwin guy. He's already dead? Oh.       (9-26)

* If you believe in Intelligent Design, you need an I.Q. transplant.       (9-26)

* The D.C. count: 100,000 Anti-War protestors vs. 400 Pro-War Supporters. You do the math.       (9-26)

* Now, we're busy playing the blame game. Whatever happened to the Plame game?    (Thanks to Dave Coe, UravelShop.com)    (9-25)

* Bush finally uncovers the source of worldwide terrorism: invades SELF.    (Thanks to Dave Coe, UravelShop.com)    (9-25)

* I propose a National Day of Prayer for our beleaguered President. On second thought: nah.       (9-25)

* Mr. President, you've left OUR COUNTRY behind, damnit.       (9-25)

* Counterfeiting is really no worse than running up the deficit.       (9-25)

* The Presidential levees are no longer holding.       (9-24)

* "Peace will not be happening on my watch." -George W. Bush       (9-24)

* Jesus has just cut all ties to the Republican Party.       (9-24)

* With all these hurricanes crippling our oil & gas supplies, we've got no choice but to invade another oil-rich nation. It's time for the Saudis to go down.   (Thanks, Beecher.)    (9-23)

* Wake up and smell the recession.       (9-23)

* I've been challenged to find 1 good thing about George W. Bush. That's easy: he's an excellent reason to drink...heavily.       (9-23)

* Jeb-Rove '08 -"Standing Up for America's Downtrodden Rich"       (9-23)

* At $5 a gallon, my SUV will become a storage shed. Guaranteed.       (9-23)

* How many President Bushes does it take to screw a Country? Just one, my friend. Just one.   (Bush 41, I'm letting you off easy.)    (9-22)

* Hurricane Rita can be directly blamed on Bush, just like my hemorrhoids.       (9-22)

* The truly disturbing part of the President's "low" approval ratings: how can 40% of the people possibly approve of anything that lummox of a war criminal has done?       (9-22)

* The George W. Bush Legacy: "LOSE-LOSE."       (9-22)

* Our Country is gutted, broken, unsafe, corrupt, evil, loathed, bigoted, soulless, spineless, hopeless, and polluted. Listen, YOU DEMOCRATS, if you can't make something happen now, you can all go to hell, too. Love, SeriousKidding.com      (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* May I be blunt? How are all you idiot-morons who voted for our idiot-moron President feeling NOW?      (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* It all makes perfect sense: Bush is equally qualified for his job as "Brownie" was for his. Doin' a heck of a job, boys.      (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* It's a long damn time till 2008. God, I hope the Country lasts that long.      (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* He creates an epoch disaster in Iraq while NOT preparing for one here. Thus, George Bush creates the first-ever "holocatastrophe."      (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* I sure know what it must've felt like to be a passenger on the Titanic, only now we've hit a BUSHberg.         (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* The Bush short list for Supreme Court nominee: Billy Graham, Terri Schiavo (in memoriam), Jeb, Karen Hughes, Condi, Dad.       (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CASEY SPIKE GERVER!)    (9-21)

* "We're not taxing the poor!" scolds a caustic President Bush. "We're just starting up a brand new National Katrina Recovery Lottery. Poor folks buy two tickets and get a third one for free. It was all mom's idea!"       (9-20)

* You can't believe those lying whiny liberal presidential approval polls. Bush's numbers are more like 40.1       (9-20)

* Rove makes Bush adopt the vocabulary, speech patterns, and body language of Jesus from The Passion of the Christ.       (9-20)

* Oh how the President wishes he were only a lame duck.        (9-20)

* Rove plans for the President's mother to hand out leftover cake and "W '04" buttons to Katrina victims to atone for her sins.       (9-20)

* The Rove-Bush Doctrine: "WHEN YOU OWN THE GLASS, WHO GIVES A DAMN IF IT'S HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?"       (9-19)

* Caught on tape: the President slapping his mother for insensitive racist comments at the Astrodome.       (9-19)

* FEMABurton«, a subsidiary of Halliburton.       (9-19)

* With the gun of public opinion at his head, President Georgesus Bush finally takes responsibility, proclaiming a National Day of Prayer.       (9-17)

* Bush assembles crack team to determine if terrorists could actually use hurricanes as Weapons of Mass Destruction.       (9-16)

* "...and therefore, I have authorized Karl Rove to administer a full and independent investigation into the Katrina response..."       (9-16)

* Bush enlists Disney to help rebuild New Orleans.       (9-16)

* "Botchulism": the botching of several catastrophic events, even ones you've caused yourself, often at the same time. i.e. ~ President Bush has exhibited grandiose botchulism.       (9-15)

* What about Chertoff? Another Michael without a clue. Luckily, he's only the HEAD of Homeland Security.       (9-15)

* 9-14-05: The deadliest "Last Throe" ever.       (9-15)

* An ecstatic Britney vows to become pregnant again by month's end.       (9-15)

* Judge Roberts didn't really answer any questions, but he did carry Rehnquist's casket. Therefore, he should be confirmed.       (9-14)

* Rove instructs his star pupil to begin playing the martyr.       (9-14)

* "Boy, it's hard work responding slow."       (9-14)

* Can a President's approval rating fall below zero?       (9-14)

* "Brownie" bolts to Halliburton.       (9-13)

* We've paid endless billions to insure our complete lack of security.       (9-13)

* Katrina is reclassified a "natural terrorist act."       (9-13)

* What war?       (9-13)

* Karl Rove engineered the botched Katrina response to keep our minds off Iraq.       (9-13)

* America: DysfunctioNation       (9-12)

* I blame Iraq for the War, New Orleans for the Hurricane, and Weather for Global Warming. Yeah, that works.       (9-12)

* I have no faith based in President Bush.       (9-12)

* 9/11 Tribute: "And on this sad day, we honor all those who lost their lives when Saddam Hussein commanded Iraqi terrorists to fly planes into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon..."       (9-11)

* "Bushie," you're doing a heck of a job.       (9-11)

* To all you naysayers: Mike Brown would completely kick ass in any equestrian disaster.       (9-11)

* FEMA begins searching for ways to steer hurricanes away from the U.S.       (9-10)

* Quit pointing the finger at President Bush. Flip him the finger instead.       (9-10)

* Bush swears off all vacations fearing he might trigger another hurricane.       (9-10)

* Would you all just get off President Bush's ass? How would YOU like it if everything you touched turned to shit?       (9-9)

* The Department of Blameland Security is hurriedly set up by the White House.       (9-9)

* What do Iraq, Katrina, and Global Warming have in common? Blatantly Undermining the Security of our Homeland.       (9-9)

* FEMAnemic       (9-8-Happy Birthday CHAS!)

* Barbara Bush: what a cute little ol' lady racist. Like mother, like son.       (9-8-Happy Birthday CHAS!)

* Sure, George W. Bush is a Fascist. But, he's a compassionate Fascist.       (9-8-Happy Birthday CHAS!)

* "From his luxury box in the Super Dome, Dick Cheney proclaims the Hurricane Response is in its last throes."   (Thanks to Spike Gerver, MY DAD.)    (9-8-Happy Birthday CHAS!)

* I envision Tom Cruise writing, directing, producing, and starring in the blockbuster: "BUSH!"        (9-7)

* Terrorists: please disregard President Bush's dismal response to Hurricane Katrina.       (9-7)

* Peace-loving presidents are wimps.       (9-7)

* At Rove's urging, the President will oversee an investigation into the Katrina response failures. Gee, do ya think Bush will be exonerated?       (9-7)

* Bush has a brainstorm: rebuild New Orleans in Iraq.       (9-6)

* The President asks for comp time because of the hurricane.       (9-6)

* President Bush makes Benedict Arnold look like Mother Teresa.       (9-6)

* Save for retirement?!!! Hell, I'm savin' for gas.       (9-6)

* We're fighting terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to worry about hurricane victims here at home.        (9-5)

* George W. Bush is a Category 5 National Disaster.       (9-5)

* President Bush demands creation of the Department of Hurricane Security.        (9-5)

* "The President makes a call to the National Guard and gets a busy signal."   (Idea submitted by Joe Bodin, FlagstaffCentral.com)    (9-4)

* "Hurricanes are hard work. We must prevent all future hurricanes." --fictional quote by George W. Bush       (9-4)

* I'll drive my car until it runs out of gas. Then, I will calmly walk away.       (9-4)

* FEMA - Federal Emergency Mismanagement Agency   (Idea submitted by Michael Barrick)    (9-3)

* Canada is finally off the hook. You may now BLAME BUSH for absolutely everything.       (9-3)

* What happens when a tank of gas is more valuable than my car?       (9-3)

* "I've been GASJACKED!"       (9-3)

* Iraq: NO PLAN.   Katrina: NO PLAN.   Now that's consistency.       (9-2)

* "The Double Disaster": Katrina and Bush's pitiful response.       (9-2)

* In his finest hour, the Commander In Chief boldly addresses America in her time of crisis: "Send cash."       (9-2)

* George, here's your perfect exit strategy opening: "WE HAVE TO LEAVE IRAQ TO CARE FOR OUR OWN ON THE GULF COAST!"        (9-1)

* The difference between Iraq & Katrina: you can't blame Bush for the hurricane (or, can you?).       (9-1)

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