Shot Off The Press
August 2005

* Somebody, pa-LEASE, sedate the President!       (8-31)

* Suddenly, we're in Iraq to "protect the oil fields." Wasn't this the real reason we invaded in the first place?       (8-31)

* A compassionate Bush assures Americans that Katrina was not caused by global warming or terrorist attack.   (Idea submitted by Karl Azid, Rolling Stones Inc.)    (8-31)

* Essentially, our Fairy Tale President believes he can spin straw into gold, or at least have everyone else die trying.       (8-31)

* Now Bush thinks he's FDR, and Iraq is WWII. Ironically, he's not even on par with Alfred E. Neuman, let alone FDR, and, we did not invade Japan for no reason.       (8-31)

* Iraq has been upgraded to "a snowball's chance in hell" to survive as a democracy.       (8-30)

* It's one thing to spin bad events into good ones. It's quite another to lie your ass off, President Bush.       (8-30)

* Do you think the President ever shoots EPO?       (8-30)

* The Official White House Mission Statement: "Destabilizing the world and taking names later."       (8-30)

* I'm warred out.       (8-29)

* That damn Cindy Sheehan, ruining our President's vacation like that. Even a traitor deserves peace and quiet once in awhile.       (8-28)

* If there were only a way to sic Pat Robertson on President Bush.       (8-28)

* Just a theory: Karl Rove hired Cindy Sheehan and Pat Robertson to cause a stir so we'd forget about him. Not a chance, Turd Blossom.        (8-28)

* I SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT (taking us ever deeper into the Iraqi abyss)       (8-27)

* Reverend Pat Robertson ushers in the era Assasstianity.       (8-27)

* Evangelicals for Evolution: 2 members strong and growing.       (8-27)

* In a show of sympathy for the growing Anti-War movement, 1500 more troops are sent to Iraq.       (8-25)

* Our Fealess Leader: "We will win the war on terror." (Translation: "Just gotta stall till '08.")       (8-25)

* Dear "War Blossom": leaving Iraq now wouldn't be nearly as wrong as you invading it in the first place.       (8-25)

* How's what Pat Robertson SAID any different from what George Bush DID?       (8-24)

* I can't wait to watch the "700 Club" to see who they wanna whack today.        (8-24)

* A good band name: "Pat Robertson and the Assassins"       (8-24)

* He turns Iraq into a terrorist training haven, then uses it as an excuse to stay the course. Yep, that's YOUR President.        (8-23)

* Boy, our President is one brave bastard, pitching the war in Salt Lake City.       (8-23)

* Keep defending the war, Mr. President. It's really mobilizing the Anti-War movement.       (8-23)

* The mother of all insults: "You're Bush's bike seat!"       (8-22)

* True Patriots question THEIR government.       (8-22)

* "Six Feet Under" is off the air, but will continue live in Iraq.       (8-22)

* Beward of Texans selling wars.       (8-22)

* George W. Bush: in the last throes of approval.       (8-21)

* Cindy Sheehan has infinitely more balls than the President.       (8-21)

* The U.S. is infecting the world with PTD: Politically Transmitted Disease.       (8-20)

* Daddy = "1000 points of light." Son = "1000 points of death."       (8-20)

* The U.S. Field of Dreams War Strategy: "Destroy it and they will come."       (8-20)

* IRAQ: "The Star-Spangled Bungle"       (8-19)

* Britain is going down the tubes.       (8-19)

* Why don't you ride your bike around Iraq, George?       (8-19)

* THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINE CORPSE.       (8-18)

* Think how far we could've gone if we were a compassionate nation.       (8-18)

* Jean Charles de Menezes died for your sins, Mr. President.       (8-18)

* I know where Waldo is, but where the hell's Karl?       (8-17)

* Why does Bush keep calling Tehran "Hiroshima?"       (8-17)

* Remember when the Constitution superseded the Bible?       (8-17)

* What, STILL no WMD's?       (8-17)

* Support Our Dictator       (8-16)

* Iraq isn't panning out, but we'll get it right in Iran.       (8-16)

* The Pentagon would look much better shaped like a cross.       (8-16)

* Homeland Security accuses terrorists of mad-cow breeding operation.       (8-16)

* PEOPLE for the ETHICAL TREATMENT of PEOPLE       (8-15)

* What's the big deal? Iraq shouldn't sweat having a constitution. Just like us, they really don't need one.       (8-15)

* Athiest logic: if there truly were a God, George Bush wouldn't be President.       (8-15)

* "Antiwar protesters are nothing but smartypants latte liberals." I take that as a compliment.       (8-15)

* I'm taking out a second mortgage to buy gas.       (8-15)

* Shooting straight from the buttocks: "Democracies are peaceful." -George W. Bush, 8/11/2005       (8-14)

* The Florida State Seminoles become the FSU "SMILES" with "Mr. Smiley Face" as their mascot.        (8-14)

* Yeah, take us into Iran, you moron.       (8-13)

* The NEW Social Security: retirees are invited to join the military.       (8-13)

* It looks as though the President better take a serious look at "a culture of growing Antiwar momentum."       (8-13)

* Yippee, we have a new $286.4 billion dollar transPORKtation bill.       (8-13)

* FOX NEWS~Fair & Indoctrinating: "We hate the Stones, liberals, and all things antiwar. Let us repulse you."    (from Karl Azid, Rolling Stones Associate)    (8-12)

* The fierce determination of a kamikaze pilot + the stubborness of a mule + the arrogance of a dictator = George W. Bush        (8-12)

* Global Warming reality is negated by Intelligent Design "theory."       (8-12)

* The 2 biggest fibs: "I was at Woodstock" & "I didn't vote for the sucker."       (8-12)

* Mr. President: Iraq is a "noble cause"??? MY ASS.       (8-11)

* George W. Bush is one butt-ugly "Sweet Neo Con."       (8-11)

* Kansas Public Schools ~ "Always Moving Backward. Always."       (8-11)

* "I support a culture of vacation. It is always best to err on the side of vacation." --Guess who?       (8-11)

* Seen in the Oval Office: a "LIBERATE CHINA" banner.        (8-11)

* Holed up on a ranch, Bush won't mix it up with 'Mom'        (8-11)

* May Cindy Sheehan be the beginning of the end for this damn war.       (8-11)

* Hoping to calm a worried public, the government orders gas prices be displayed per half-gallon.        (8-10)

* New motto for these disparaging times: DRIVE LESS & INVEST THE SAVINGS IN BEER.       (8-10)

* I replaced my Hemi with a Briggs & Stratton.       (8-10)

* PEACE is boring.       (8-10)

* So,"Able Danger" knew of the 9/11 hijackers for over a year. On YOUR watch, George.       (8-10)

* Where's he been? A gleeful Rove describes his secret trip on the Shuttle as "totally bitchen."       (8-9)

* Gas-saving tip #9: Always try to drive downhill.       (8-9)

* Just think how many countries we could invade if "W" didn't take such lengthy vacations.        (8-9)

* Make Rove, Not War       (8-8)

* The silver lining to high gas prices: you'll have a lot less cash to lose if you're robbed.       (8-8)

* "People are dying everyday for lies."- Cindy Sheehan, whose son, Casey, was killed in Iraq on April 4, 2004. She refuses to leave Crawford, Texas until she speaks with President Bush. Cindy adds: "The only way we can support our troops at this point is to bring them home." AMEN.       (8-8)

* "Pissimistic": severe pessimism. i.e. - I'm very pissimistic about Iraq and how we got there in the first place.       (8-8)

* "Koreans clone dog; discover endless food source."   (Thanks to David Coe of Unravel - A Yarn and Fiber Arts Shop)    (8-7)

* The problem with George Bush is that the little head does all the thinkin'. You know, the one on his shoulders.       (8-7)

* I will give up my SUV when they pry it from my cold dead fingers.       (8-7)

* Gas-siphoners suck.       (8-7)

* "Carville OUTS Novak!"   (Thanks to GreGary Robert Hancher)    (8-6)

* What intelligent entity would knowingly design a George W. Bush? C'mon now, really.    (8-6)

* Robert Novak: like Rove, a class  ASS  act.    (8-6)

* "Think outside the Bush."   (Thanks to Avery Thomas, 8th-grader)    (8-4)

* Bob Novak blames too much time around Dick Cheney for his use of foul language on CNN.    (8-5)

* A national emergency of the highest order: mad cow disease found in some of America's most popular beers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    (8-5)

* The argument against embryonic stem cell research: those doing it, using it, or being cured by it will go to hell.    (8-5)

* EvanGelicles® ~ "Thee only religious popsicle"    (8-5)

* Rove works tirelessly to replace the Bill of Rights with the Bible of Rights.    (8-5)

* Ain't intelligent design what they done at NASCAR?    (8-5)

* Freedom's on the march..........right on outa' the USA.    (8-5)

* Fans of Intelligent Design are a bunch of monkeys.    (8-5)

* My dream headline: Palmeiro Admits Providing Steroids to White House    (8-5)

* What if we run out of air before we run out of oil?    (8-5)

* Give a man some gas and he can drive for 1 day. Teach a man to steal gas and he can drive for a hulluva lot longer.    (8-5)

* "War, huh-yeah, what is it good for?" Absolutely Halliburton.    (8-5)

* WE don't need to be under surveillance. The GOVERNMENT does.    (8-5)

* Elect a "Mrs." President in 2008.    (8-5)

* John Bolton: yet another charm on the President's arrogance bracelet.    (8-5)

* I brake for religious zealots.    (8-5)

* Wouldn't it be far cheaper to pay terrorists a "peace stipend" just to mellow out?    (8-5)

* The ultimate moral dilemma: put a 10-second trigger delay on all firearms.    (8-5)

* My health care provider comes in 12-ounce cans.    (8-5)

* Deflower the "Turd Blossom"    (8-5)

* Immigration plan would encircle the U.S. with one continuous fence and turnstyles.    (8-5)

* My President is a violent extremist.    (8-5)

* Ever the environmentalist, the President gloats: "Humans don't cause global warming. Cars do."    (8-5)

* Star Wars type bomb-detonating shield could foil terrorists before they took 5 steps. As always, Halliburton's looking into it.    (8-5)

* Jesus S.A.V.E.S. (Struggle Against Violent ExtremistS)   (8-4)

* Unscramble these letters to form a popular two-word phrase: H S U B K C U F    (8-4)

* "Conscientious objector": a person who objects to using his conscience. i.e. - Karl Rove and George Bush are conscientious objectors.    (8-4)

* The White House offers neither hope nor prosperity for most Americans. But, they are praying for you.    (8-4)

* I'm fair and balanced: I despise terrorists and I despise Bush.    (8-4)

* The boiled-down Republican agenda: "Get rid of that evil-doing middle class."    (8-4)

* Peace is truly hard work. Arrogance is not.    (8-4)

* Violent Muslim Extremists vs. Violent Bush Extremists: it takes one to know one.    (8-4)

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