Shot Off The Press
May 2005

* The mother of all ironies: embryonic stem cell research could actually lead to the repair of President Bush's conscience.   (5-31)

* Just one of the many routes of White House ventriloquism: Rove's dummy is Bush, whose dummy is Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld's dummy is General Myers, whose dummy is the press...   (5-31)

* Big boo-boo: U.S. military mistakenly bags the highest ranking Sunni political leader. They cleverly spin it into, "But, it's hard work."   (5-31)

* Here's how I talk myself into accepting the religious right's stranglehold: "you know, maybe we do have too many freedoms."   (5-31)

* Stupid question #6,435,092,881: what gives anyone the right to say who can or cannot get married? Was I consulted on YOUR marriage?   (5-30)

* I will always remember President Bush for embracing "A Culture of   Lie   Life."   (5-30)

* If Michael is acquitted, he and O.J. will become roomates.   (5-30)

* Isn't the War killing what used to be innocent little embryos? But, that's okay?   (5-29)

* Darfurgotten.   (5-29)

* An angry President Bush, hoping to deter terrorists, threatens suicide bombers with the death penalty.   (5-29)

* Not exactly an homage to Michael, Johnny Depp will star in "Outing Neverland."   (5-29)

* Well, what a relief: the Pentagon has found that no Koran was ever flushed. The War is justified again: Mission Exonerated.   (5-29)

* Secretary Rice exerts extreme pressure on signing of NMPNWBUS Treaty by all nations: Nobody May Possess Nuclear Weapons But the United States.   (5-29)

* I went to a tent revival and a Bush Social Security event broke out.   (5-28)

* Emergency Pfizer study concludes Viagra does NOT lead to rare blindness, sex does. (Haven't we always feared that?)   (5-28)

* Speaking of intercourse (weren't we?), did you hear about that new male sexual enhancement drug that DeLays the inevitable?   (5-28)

* Sometimes you just have to say: "Enough Bush-blasting. Give the guy a break." Kinda' like trying to pop that reluctant zit between your buttocks. Sometimes ya just have to let it go.   (5-27)

* Breakfast in Iraq? Join the Army. We've just increased your death benefit.   (5-27)

* Piggybacking on American Idol success, Karl Rove begins production on IRAQI IDOL hoping to bring "a culture of life and American values through entertainment" to Baghdad.   (5-27)

* Frist & DeLay cosponsor bill to officially change the definition of the word "GAY" to "HAPPY." It would legally have no other meaning.   (5-27)

* "Bushticles": testicles renamed.   (5-27)

* Gwarge Bush.   (5-27)

* Obama-Villaraigosa in 2008. I rest my case.   (5-26)

* "Abolortionists": radicals bent on abolition of abortion.   (5-26)

* "Bipartisan": capable of having sex with members of either party.   (5-26)

* At least we know where Howard Dean and the Democratic Party stand: somewhere.   (5-26)

* The 2 best things about riding a motorcycle: great mileage and no need for health insurance.   (5-26)

* Okay, time to lighten up: maybe Martha and Michael will become an item.   (5-26)

* The idea of Hillary running in '08 has Republicans licking their chops.   (5-26)

* "Revoligion": American jihad   (5-26)

* Is it just me, or do I appear to be taking out my wrath on one particular person?   (5-25)

* President Bush says expanding embryonic stem cell research would cross a "critical ethical line." Jesus, he crosses critical ethical lines every damn day.   (5-25)

* Be back soon, honey. Just gonna walk the blog.   (5-25)

* W, honestly, how do you live with yourself?   (5-25)

* Amnesty International has the balls to call GITMO "The Gulag of Our Time." How many countries have they invaded for no reason? They got nothin' on us.   (5-25)

* ABORT IRAQ   (5-25)

* Bush and DeLay, just to name two, excel at moralizing immorality. How hypocritical can a couple a' doofuses be?   (5-25)

* BUDDY, the only culture you believe in is a culture of strife.   (5-25)

* Oh no, we've entered the era of Weapons of Mass Embryonic Destruction (WMED's).   (5-25)

* Saint George ponders bombing the groundbreaking South Korean stem cell lab.   (5-25)

* Newsweek downgraded to Newsweak.   (5-25) * How in the holy hell do you explain lying about Pat Tillman's death, President Bush? Rumsfeld? Cheney? Condi? McClellan? Rove?

* President of the United States of America, George W. Botch

* George W. Bush: father figure, friend, and protector of frozen embryos everywhere.

* Tom DeLay was an exterminator and he values a culture of life? What about all those poor dead insects?

* If we as a nation allow embryonic stem cell research, what's next, cures for many diseases? Oh God, we don't want that.

* Newsweek suffers from every newsman's worst nightmare: "premature retractulation."

* Revised U.S. Military Rules of Engagement: desecrate only humans, NEVER the Koran.

* Boy, it's hard work feeling safer.

* "LauraBush": the new fragrance developed by Karl Rove to mask the stench of a self-righteous husband's evil deeds.

* Great band name: "George Bush & the Barbarians"

* Ever the sophisticate, President Bush pontificates on Saddam in underpants:
   "I don't think a photo inspires murders. I think they're inspired by an ideology
   that is so barbaric and backwards that it's hard for many in the Western world to comprehend how they think."
   And vice versa, Einstein.

* Saddam becomes new Hanes spokesmodel.

* All that picture of Saddam in his underpants lacked was a leash held by a female Army soldier.

* Those Goddamn Red Cross and Human Rights Watch liars. Americans desecratin' the Koran?! NO WAY!

* "To promote science which destroys life in order to save life, I'm against that." But it works in Iraq, George?

* "Veto" Corleone Bush: "They made me an offer I had to refuse."

* Gee, why are we the most hated nation in the world? Must be those satanic activist judges.

* Bush doesn't do Kyoto and he doesn't do Geneva.

* Those Korean stem cell breakthroughs must really be pissing off the evangelicals, not to mention St. George.
   Oh, GOODY!

* Scott McClellan, Presidential Mouthpiece, has been promoted to Senior White House Image Polisher.
   His main job will be to spay and neuter the media.

* Oh no, more U.S. image-tarnishing: so, Scotty McClellan, what do you have to say about the grisly brutal murders
   of Diliwar & Habibullah in Bagram? (Yeah, at least it didn't involve the Koran, just Afghans.)

* We will not tolerate activist judges, only conservative right-wing evangelical ones.

* Priscilla Owen: now she's the Right kind of activist judge.

* George, ya better git yer freedom spreader outa' the shed and over to the Gaza Strip pronto.    (5-20)

* You know it's coming: "My intelligently designed child made the honor roll."    (5-20)

* U.S. on GITMO: "We may have done everything inhumanely possible to detainees.  But, we would NEVER stoop so low as to desecrate the Koran." Yeah, right.    (5-20)

* Trump proposes double erection: "The Twin Donalds."    (5-20)

* Newsweek: take some testosterone and get over it.    (5-20)

* WMD > spreading freedom > civil war: evolution or intelligent design?    (5-20)

* What Roves around comes around.    (5-20)

* I hope you never make it to Frist base, Bill.    (5-20)

* Go ahead, go "nuclear," ya bastards.    (5-20)

* The strongest arguments yet against cloning: Bush, Cheney, Rove, Condi, Rumsfeld, McClellan, Frist, DeLay, Jeb...    (5-20)

* The White House trots out the ol' tarnished-image remover with their "Don't Worry, Be Muslim" campaign.    (5-19)

* Scott McClellan hires Randy Newman to write lyrics for "I love IsLAm."    (5-19)

* I got a bowl of Wendy's chili and there was a Downing Street Memo in it.    (5-19)

* Newsweek needs Dan Rather. He can surely grow 'em some balls.    (5-19)

* Care to be blown away? (Not meant for neocon eyes): The Downing Street Memo    (Good work, Karl AZ.) (5-18)

* Honor the Koran: Flush Bush    (5-18)

* British Member of Parliament George Galloway: The Anti-Bush    (5-18)

* Newsweek and Dan Rather: 2 Rovepublican scapegoats taking bullets for the White House.    (5-18)

* DARTH DUBYA has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?    (5-17)

* A cheery White House basks in the lucky glow of their newest diversionary tactic: blame Newsweek.    (5-17)

* Yet more evidence that many at the White House are on LSD:
   Scott McClellan hullucinates that Newsweek has damaged the U.S. image abroad, as if it were untarnished.

* Just thought you ought to know what's going on in MY HOMETOWN (Flagstaff, AZ).    We're essentially voting on whether we want a Supercenter to go along with the Wal*Mart and Sam's Club we already have:
"Wal-Mart apologizes for ad~
FLAGSTAFF, AZ, May. 15 (UPI) -- Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has apologized for a newspaper ad that compared a proposed Arizona zoning ordinance with Nazi atrocities. The Washington Post reports that the full-page ad in the Arizona Daily Sun showed people throwing books into a fire in Berlin in 1933. The ad was paid for by Wal-Mart and run by a group called Protect Flagstaff's Future. The text read: 'Should we let government tell us what we can read? Of course not . . . So why should we allow local government to limit where we shop?' "   Wal*Mart, ye shall reap what ye hath sewn.

* The Bush GOLDEN RULE: do unto others and be done with it.    (5-15)

* . . . but I'm not bitter . . .    (5-15)

* The White House secret motto: "NO CONSCIENCE, NO HEADACHES"    (5-14)

* I finally get it: the most critical step in spreading freedom is lying.    (5-15)

* What do the War, the Bush administration, Wal*Mart, private accounts, and spreading freedom have in common?  THEY ALL REALLY PISS ME OFF.    (5-15)

* Patriotic country superstar, Toby Keith, debuts his hot new Armed Forces single: "Recruit-Scootin' Boogie."    (5-15)

* Recruit-o-mania: pass boot camp and go directly to Iraq. "On-the-job training is always best," declares Rumsfeld.    (5-15)

* Desperate for boots-on-the-ground and good stats, new recruiting option allows for 3-month hitches.    (5-15)

* Recruitment special: sign up now and receive a brand-new Hummer.   (Offer void if soldier dies.)   (5-15)

* The Bush CAFTA goal: unemploy as many Americans as possible so they can work at Wal*Mart.    (5-15)

* Condi visits Iraq: well, how do like that war you caused, Dr. Rice? Is it living up to your wildest dreams?    (5-15)

* Wal*Mart lays groundwork for Supercenter in ANWR. But, Baghdad will be awhile.    (5-15)

* Reaching out to Muslims everywhere, a somber President Bush orders Constitutions and Bibles to be flushed on live TV.    (5-14)

* Kudos to the Department of Homeland  Paranoia  Security.    (5-14)

* I FEEL SAFER............................................on vodka.    (5-14)

* WHITE HOUSE FLYOVERS ~ "Flights so exciting, people run for their lives!"    (5-14)

* Needed: one small plane to buzz White House.    (5-14)

* Maybe if we viewed war as a professional sport, we could accept it more easily. Nah.    (5-14)

* Apparently, the Bush administration equates torture with love: it means never having to say you're sorry.    (5-14)

* Newest generation of panhandler signs: "Will trade identity for food."    (5-14)

* I buy all my CRAP at Wal*Mart.    (5-14)

* As a protest against our homophobic government, I'm turning Gay.    (5-14)

* President Bush: pissin' off the Chinese and takin' names later.    (5-14)

* "Mother Bushker": 3 different letters, same meaning.    (5-14)

* Gasoline is the methamphetamine of the masses.    (5-13)

* John Bolton is actually Dick Cheney with a wig and fake moustache.    (5-13)

* Immigration-recruitment solution: all immigrants, legal and illegal, go directly into the military
   creating the U.S. Immilitary Forces.    (5-13)

* Bill Frist = Tom DeLay Lite. ááá(5-12)

* "Fly United. The Pension-Free Airline." ááá

* "f***you,buster": slang for filibuster Nuclear Option. ááá

* Pray for and save Tom DeLay. The Democrats NEED him. ááá

* Real ID's: wouldn't it be easier to give us all an inconspicuous little brand-on-the-hand or something? ááái.e. - "Citizen: United States of America, Department of Homeland Security (+ SS number)" ááá(Well, maybe it wouldn't fit on your hand.)   

* Many U.S. pension plans are being reduced to monthly liquor vouchers.   

* $300 billion and   lying  counting.    (5-11)

* Somehow, the spirit of Johnny Appleseed has morphed into "Georgie Freedomseed."

* C'mon. Quit being so damn cynical. Do you really think industry special interests
   affect how the Bush administration crafts its energy policy?

* Environmental pick-up line #18: "I'll warm your globe if you'll warm mine."

* Having kissed and made up, George & Vladimir plan a little NASCAR-casino action.

* Effort afoot to rename The Constitution "The Christitution."

* Bush tells ecstatic Georgian crowd: "We are so blessed that you'd name your country after one of our states."


* Kansas State Board of Education Mission Statement:
   "Evolving education intelligently to prepare students for our ever-changing flat world."

* "Filibustianity": fusion of the Judiciary with right-wing Christianity.

* Oh my God, we're not gonna try spreading freedom in China, are we?

* Cha-ching. Cha-CHINA.

* "Who needs credibility when you're the United States of America?" (You know he's thinkin' it.)

* Iran, North Korea: "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

* "Dumbplomacy": the kind of diplomacy arrogant presidents engage in.

* Bush congratulates Blair on his victory:
   "Tony, we've both received the blessings of enormous mandates from our people."

* You can't see the forest for the ATV's.

* Brigadier General Janis Karpinsky: "Fall Gal."

* Witnesses: "Michael only molested the animals, never us."

* Putin issues a stern warning to President Bush: "I will hold hands with no one!"

* SURE I feel safer. I never leave my bomb shelter.

* In a hissy fit, Rumsfeld bans all cars from Iraq. They'll be disassembled.

* Bush on ANWR: "Drill it till it hurts."

* The President, Cheney, & Rumsfeld proudly hold hands as an official end to the insurgency
   is declared. Yet another mission accomplished.

* The Kansas State Board of Education:
   "We believe students must accept the fact that The Wizard of Oz is a true story."

* George W. Bush: "The Touchy-Feely President"

* The President promises to hold hands with as many foreign leaders as he can before leaving office.
   He will hold hands with anyone else for a $100,000 RNC contribution.

* God, not another ass-kissing lackey: Silvio Bushlusconi.

* The perfect blend of science & Christianity evolves: Intelligent Evolutionary Design.

* "Freedomization": the overall umbrella of Bush dogma that spreads chaos in the name of democracy.

* U.S. puts out Amber Alert for missing war money.

* Iraq from a Kent State point of view: "Four hundred thousand dead in Iraq-i-o..."

   (Thanks for the prompt, Karl...and Neil Young.)   (5-4)

* Drooling like a giddy "Far Side" character, Alan Greenspan raises the rates again.

* No, we're not stretched thin militarily, even though the chairman of the Joint Chiefs says we are.
   Cuz Bush said so, that's why.

* Best wishes go out to British Prime Minister Tony Bush for his imminent election victory.

* Soon you'll be listening to National Public Rightio and watching the Public Bushcasting Service.

* Kim Jong-il and George W. Bush: separated at birth.

* I hereby christen thee, "CALAMITY CONDI"

* The nuclear weapons solution: everybody gets unlimited free nukes, and let's be done with it.

* If the "Runaway Bride's" wedding actually does take place, it will be a pay-per-view event.

* Bush's Social Security Reform as I see it: first-degree financial sodomy.

* It's uplifting to see all the "Little Lynndies" of the Armed Forces taking bullets for the top brass.
   Essentially, the White House message is a resounding: "The buck stops THERE."

* Pressure mounts in Italy to pull out of Iraq. Oh no, that'll only leave Zimbabwe.

* Progressive Price Indexing = Pure Puking Indigestion

* Bush is dead in Lake Social Security.

* Too bad the President doesn't have "Blowin' in the Wind" and "Where Have All the Flowers Gone" on his iPod.

* Assholican Standoff: Bush vs. Insurgency

* Condi's pet project: "Democracy-in-a-Box" kits will be mailed to all non-democratic nations.

* Couldn't learn from Vietnam, could we?

Grant "Brad" Gerver - Featuring political left-wing humor including bumper stickers, terse verses, music and more.
"Where creativity and originality meet punctuality and good grammar."

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