Shot Off The Press
May 2005

* The mother of all ironies: embryonic stem cell research could actually lead to the repair of President Bush's conscience.   (5-31)

* Just one of the many routes of White House ventriloquism: Rove's dummy is Bush, whose dummy is Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld's dummy is General Myers, whose dummy is the press...   (5-31)

* Big boo-boo: U.S. military mistakenly bags the highest ranking Sunni political leader. They cleverly spin it into, "But, it's hard work."   (5-31)

* Here's how I talk myself into accepting the religious right's stranglehold: "you know, maybe we do have too many freedoms."   (5-31)

* Stupid question #6,435,092,881: what gives anyone the right to say who can or cannot get married? Was I consulted on YOUR marriage?   (5-30)

* I will always remember President Bush for embracing "A Culture of   Lie   Life."   (5-30)

* If Michael is acquitted, he and O.J. will become roomates.   (5-30)

* Isn't the War killing what used to be innocent little embryos? But, that's okay?   (5-29)

* Darfurgotten.   (5-29)

* An angry President Bush, hoping to deter terrorists, threatens suicide bombers with the death penalty.   (5-29)

* Not exactly an homage to Michael, Johnny Depp will star in "Outing Neverland."   (5-29)

* Well, what a relief: the Pentagon has found that no Koran was ever flushed. The War is justified again: Mission Exonerated.   (5-29)

* Secretary Rice exerts extreme pressure on signing of NMPNWBUS Treaty by all nations: Nobody May Possess Nuclear Weapons But the United States.   (5-29)

* I went to a tent revival and a Bush Social Security event broke out.   (5-28)

* Emergency Pfizer study concludes Viagra does NOT lead to rare blindness, sex does. (Haven't we always feared that?)   (5-28)

* Speaking of intercourse (weren't we?), did you hear about that new male sexual enhancement drug that DeLays the inevitable?   (5-28)

* Sometimes you just have to say: "Enough Bush-blasting. Give the guy a break." Kinda' like trying to pop that reluctant zit between your buttocks. Sometimes ya just have to let it go.   (5-27)

* Breakfast in Iraq? Join the Army. We've just increased your death benefit.   (5-27)

* Piggybacking on American Idol success, Karl Rove begins production on IRAQI IDOL hoping to bring "a culture of life and American values through entertainment" to Baghdad.   (5-27)

* Frist & DeLay cosponsor bill to officially change the definition of the word "GAY" to "HAPPY." It would legally have no other meaning.   (5-27)

* "Bushticles": testicles renamed.   (5-27)

* Gwarge Bush.   (5-27)

* Obama-Villaraigosa in 2008. I rest my case.   (5-26)

* "Abolortionists": radicals bent on abolition of abortion.   (5-26)

* "Bipartisan": capable of having sex with members of either party.   (5-26)

* At least we know where Howard Dean and the Democratic Party stand: somewhere.   (5-26)

* The 2 best things about riding a motorcycle: great mileage and no need for health insurance.   (5-26)

* Okay, time to lighten up: maybe Martha and Michael will become an item.   (5-26)

* The idea of Hillary running in '08 has Republicans licking their chops.   (5-26)

* "Revoligion": American jihad   (5-26)

* Is it just me, or do I appear to be taking out my wrath on one particular person?   (5-25)

* President Bush says expanding embryonic stem cell research would cross a "critical ethical line." Jesus, he crosses critical ethical lines every damn day.   (5-25)

* Be back soon, honey. Just gonna walk the blog.   (5-25)

* W, honestly, how do you live with yourself?   (5-25)

* Amnesty International has the balls to call GITMO "The Gulag of Our Time." How many countries have they invaded for no reason? They got nothin' on us.   (5-25)

* ABORT IRAQ   (5-25)

* Bush and DeLay, just to name two, excel at moralizing immorality. How hypocritical can a couple a' doofuses be?   (5-25)

* BUDDY, the only culture you believe in is a culture of strife.   (5-25)

* Oh no, we've entered the era of Weapons of Mass Embryonic Destruction (WMED's).   (5-25)

* Saint George ponders bombing the groundbreaking South Korean stem cell lab.   (5-25)

* Newsweek downgraded to Newsweak.   (5-25) * How in the holy hell do you explain lying about Pat Tillman's death, President Bush? Rumsfeld? Cheney? Condi? McClellan? Rove?
   (5-24)

* President of the United States of America, George W. Botch
   (5-24)

* George W. Bush: father figure, friend, and protector of frozen embryos everywhere.
   (5-24)

* Tom DeLay was an exterminator and he values a culture of life? What about all those poor dead insects?
   (5-24)

* If we as a nation allow embryonic stem cell research, what's next, cures for many diseases? Oh God, we don't want that.
   (5-24)

* Newsweek suffers from every newsman's worst nightmare: "premature retractulation."
   (5-21)

* Revised U.S. Military Rules of Engagement: desecrate only humans, NEVER the Koran.
   (5-22)

* Boy, it's hard work feeling safer.
   (5-22)

* "LauraBush": the new fragrance developed by Karl Rove to mask the stench of a self-righteous husband's evil deeds.
   (5-22)

* Great band name: "George Bush & the Barbarians"
   (5-22)

* Ever the sophisticate, President Bush pontificates on Saddam in underpants:
   "I don't think a photo inspires murders. I think they're inspired by an ideology
   that is so barbaric and backwards that it's hard for many in the Western world to comprehend how they think."
   And vice versa, Einstein.
   (5-21)

* Saddam becomes new Hanes spokesmodel.
   (5-21)

* All that picture of Saddam in his underpants lacked was a leash held by a female Army soldier.
   (5-21)

* Those Goddamn Red Cross and Human Rights Watch liars. Americans desecratin' the Koran?! NO WAY!
   (5-21)

* "To promote science which destroys life in order to save life, I'm against that." But it works in Iraq, George?
   (5-21)

* "Veto" Corleone Bush: "They made me an offer I had to refuse."
   (5-21)

* Gee, why are we the most hated nation in the world? Must be those satanic activist judges.
   (5-21)

* Bush doesn't do Kyoto and he doesn't do Geneva.
   (5-21)

* Those Korean stem cell breakthroughs must really be pissing off the evangelicals, not to mention St. George.
   Oh, GOODY!
   (5-21)

* Scott McClellan, Presidential Mouthpiece, has been promoted to Senior White House Image Polisher.
   His main job will be to spay and neuter the media.
   (5-21)

* Oh no, more U.S. image-tarnishing: so, Scotty McClellan, what do you have to say about the grisly brutal murders
   of Diliwar & Habibullah in Bagram? (Yeah, at least it didn't involve the Koran, just Afghans.)
   (5-21)

* We will not tolerate activist judges, only conservative right-wing evangelical ones.
   (5-21)

* Priscilla Owen: now she's the Right kind of activist judge.
   (5-21)

* George, ya better git yer freedom spreader outa' the shed and over to the Gaza Strip pronto.    (5-20)

* You know it's coming: "My intelligently designed child made the honor roll."    (5-20)

* U.S. on GITMO: "We may have done everything inhumanely possible to detainees.  But, we would NEVER stoop so low as to desecrate the Koran." Yeah, right.    (5-20)

* Trump proposes double erection: "The Twin Donalds."    (5-20)

* Newsweek: take some testosterone and get over it.    (5-20)

* WMD > spreading freedom > civil war: evolution or intelligent design?    (5-20)

* What Roves around comes around.    (5-20)

* I hope you never make it to Frist base, Bill.    (5-20)

* Go ahead, go "nuclear," ya bastards.    (5-20)

* The strongest arguments yet against cloning: Bush, Cheney, Rove, Condi, Rumsfeld, McClellan, Frist, DeLay, Jeb...    (5-20)

* The White House trots out the ol' tarnished-image remover with their "Don't Worry, Be Muslim" campaign.    (5-19)

* Scott McClellan hires Randy Newman to write lyrics for "I love IsLAm."    (5-19)

* I got a bowl of Wendy's chili and there was a Downing Street Memo in it.    (5-19)

* Newsweek needs Dan Rather. He can surely grow 'em some balls.    (5-19)

* Care to be blown away? (Not meant for neocon eyes): The Downing Street Memo    (Good work, Karl AZ.) (5-18)

* Honor the Koran: Flush Bush    (5-18)

* British Member of Parliament George Galloway: The Anti-Bush    (5-18)

* Newsweek and Dan Rather: 2 Rovepublican scapegoats taking bullets for the White House.    (5-18)

* DARTH DUBYA has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?    (5-17)

* A cheery White House basks in the lucky glow of their newest diversionary tactic: blame Newsweek.    (5-17)

* Yet more evidence that many at the White House are on LSD:
   Scott McClellan hullucinates that Newsweek has damaged the U.S. image abroad, as if it were untarnished.
   (5-16)

* Just thought you ought to know what's going on in MY HOMETOWN (Flagstaff, AZ).    We're essentially voting on whether we want a Supercenter to go along with the Wal*Mart and Sam's Club we already have:
"Wal-Mart apologizes for ad~
FLAGSTAFF, AZ, May. 15 (UPI) -- Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has apologized for a newspaper ad that compared a proposed Arizona zoning ordinance with Nazi atrocities. The Washington Post reports that the full-page ad in the Arizona Daily Sun showed people throwing books into a fire in Berlin in 1933. The ad was paid for by Wal-Mart and run by a group called Protect Flagstaff's Future. The text read: 'Should we let government tell us what we can read? Of course not . . . So why should we allow local government to limit where we shop?' "   Wal*Mart, ye shall reap what ye hath sewn.

* The Bush GOLDEN RULE: do unto others and be done with it.    (5-15)

* . . . but I'm not bitter . . .    (5-15)

* The White House secret motto: "NO CONSCIENCE, NO HEADACHES"    (5-14)

* I finally get it: the most critical step in spreading freedom is lying.    (5-15)

* What do the War, the Bush administration, Wal*Mart, private accounts, and spreading freedom have in common?  THEY ALL REALLY PISS ME OFF.    (5-15)

* Patriotic country superstar, Toby Keith, debuts his hot new Armed Forces single: "Recruit-Scootin' Boogie."    (5-15)

* Recruit-o-mania: pass boot camp and go directly to Iraq. "On-the-job training is always best," declares Rumsfeld.    (5-15)

* Desperate for boots-on-the-ground and good stats, new recruiting option allows for 3-month hitches.    (5-15)

* Recruitment special: sign up now and receive a brand-new Hummer.   (Offer void if soldier dies.)   (5-15)

* The Bush CAFTA goal: unemploy as many Americans as possible so they can work at Wal*Mart.    (5-15)

* Condi visits Iraq: well, how do like that war you caused, Dr. Rice? Is it living up to your wildest dreams?    (5-15)

* Wal*Mart lays groundwork for Supercenter in ANWR. But, Baghdad will be awhile.    (5-15)

* Reaching out to Muslims everywhere, a somber President Bush orders Constitutions and Bibles to be flushed on live TV.    (5-14)

* Kudos to the Department of Homeland  Paranoia  Security.    (5-14)

* I FEEL SAFER............................................on vodka.    (5-14)

* WHITE HOUSE FLYOVERS ~ "Flights so exciting, people run for their lives!"    (5-14)

* Needed: one small plane to buzz White House.    (5-14)

* Maybe if we viewed war as a professional sport, we could accept it more easily. Nah.    (5-14)

* Apparently, the Bush administration equates torture with love: it means never having to say you're sorry.    (5-14)

* Newest generation of panhandler signs: "Will trade identity for food."    (5-14)

* I buy all my CRAP at Wal*Mart.    (5-14)

* As a protest against our homophobic government, I'm turning Gay.    (5-14)

* President Bush: pissin' off the Chinese and takin' names later.    (5-14)

* "Mother Bushker": 3 different letters, same meaning.    (5-14)

* Gasoline is the methamphetamine of the masses.    (5-13)

* John Bolton is actually Dick Cheney with a wig and fake moustache.    (5-13)

* Immigration-recruitment solution: all immigrants, legal and illegal, go directly into the military
   creating the U.S. Immilitary Forces.    (5-13)

* Bill Frist = Tom DeLay Lite. ááá(5-12)

* "Fly United. The Pension-Free Airline." ááá
(5-12)

* "f***you,buster": slang for filibuster Nuclear Option. ááá
(5-12)

* Pray for and save Tom DeLay. The Democrats NEED him. ááá
(5-12)

* Real ID's: wouldn't it be easier to give us all an inconspicuous little brand-on-the-hand or something? ááái.e. - "Citizen: United States of America, Department of Homeland Security (+ SS number)" ááá(Well, maybe it wouldn't fit on your hand.)   
 (5-12)

* Many U.S. pension plans are being reduced to monthly liquor vouchers.   
 (5-12)

* $300 billion and   lying  counting.    (5-11)

* Somehow, the spirit of Johnny Appleseed has morphed into "Georgie Freedomseed."
   (5-11)

* C'mon. Quit being so damn cynical. Do you really think industry special interests
   affect how the Bush administration crafts its energy policy?
   (5-11)

* Environmental pick-up line #18: "I'll warm your globe if you'll warm mine."
   (5-10)

* Having kissed and made up, George & Vladimir plan a little NASCAR-casino action.
   (5-10)

* Effort afoot to rename The Constitution "The Christitution."
   (5-10)

* Bush tells ecstatic Georgian crowd: "We are so blessed that you'd name your country after one of our states."
   (5-10)

* Wal*Mart: "ALWAYS HIGH TRADE DEFICITS. Always."
   (5-9)

* Kansas State Board of Education Mission Statement:
   "Evolving education intelligently to prepare students for our ever-changing flat world."
   (5-9)

* "Filibustianity": fusion of the Judiciary with right-wing Christianity.
   (5-9)

* Oh my God, we're not gonna try spreading freedom in China, are we?
   (5-9)

* Cha-ching. Cha-CHINA.
   (5-8)

* "Who needs credibility when you're the United States of America?" (You know he's thinkin' it.)
   (5-8)

* Iran, North Korea: "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
   (5-8)

* "Dumbplomacy": the kind of diplomacy arrogant presidents engage in.
   (5-7)

* Bush congratulates Blair on his victory:
   "Tony, we've both received the blessings of enormous mandates from our people."
   (5-7)

* You can't see the forest for the ATV's.
   (5-7)

* Brigadier General Janis Karpinsky: "Fall Gal."
   (5-7)

* Witnesses: "Michael only molested the animals, never us."
   (5-6)

* Putin issues a stern warning to President Bush: "I will hold hands with no one!"
   (5-6)

* SURE I feel safer. I never leave my bomb shelter.
   (5-6)

* In a hissy fit, Rumsfeld bans all cars from Iraq. They'll be disassembled.
   (5-6)

* Bush on ANWR: "Drill it till it hurts."
   (5-6)

* The President, Cheney, & Rumsfeld proudly hold hands as an official end to the insurgency
   is declared. Yet another mission accomplished.
   (5-5)

* The Kansas State Board of Education:
   "We believe students must accept the fact that The Wizard of Oz is a true story."
   (5-5)

* George W. Bush: "The Touchy-Feely President"
   (5-5)

* The President promises to hold hands with as many foreign leaders as he can before leaving office.
   He will hold hands with anyone else for a $100,000 RNC contribution.
   (5-5)

* God, not another ass-kissing lackey: Silvio Bushlusconi.
   (5-5)

* The perfect blend of science & Christianity evolves: Intelligent Evolutionary Design.
   (5-5)

* "Freedomization": the overall umbrella of Bush dogma that spreads chaos in the name of democracy.
   (5-5)

* U.S. puts out Amber Alert for missing war money.
   (5-5)

* Iraq from a Kent State point of view: "Four hundred thousand dead in Iraq-i-o..."

   (Thanks for the prompt, Karl...and Neil Young.)   (5-4)

* Drooling like a giddy "Far Side" character, Alan Greenspan raises the rates again.
   (5-4)

* No, we're not stretched thin militarily, even though the chairman of the Joint Chiefs says we are.
   Cuz Bush said so, that's why.
   (5-4)

* Best wishes go out to British Prime Minister Tony Bush for his imminent election victory.
   (5-4)

* Soon you'll be listening to National Public Rightio and watching the Public Bushcasting Service.
   (5-4)

* Kim Jong-il and George W. Bush: separated at birth.
   (5-3)

* I hereby christen thee, "CALAMITY CONDI"
   (5-3)

* The nuclear weapons solution: everybody gets unlimited free nukes, and let's be done with it.
   (5-3)

* If the "Runaway Bride's" wedding actually does take place, it will be a pay-per-view event.
   (5-3)

* Bush's Social Security Reform as I see it: first-degree financial sodomy.
   (5-2)

* It's uplifting to see all the "Little Lynndies" of the Armed Forces taking bullets for the top brass.
   Essentially, the White House message is a resounding: "The buck stops THERE."
   (5-2)

* Pressure mounts in Italy to pull out of Iraq. Oh no, that'll only leave Zimbabwe.
   (5-2)

* Progressive Price Indexing = Pure Puking Indigestion
   (5-2)

* Bush is dead in Lake Social Security.
   (5-1)

* Too bad the President doesn't have "Blowin' in the Wind" and "Where Have All the Flowers Gone" on his iPod.
   (5-1)

* Assholican Standoff: Bush vs. Insurgency
   (5-1)

* Condi's pet project: "Democracy-in-a-Box" kits will be mailed to all non-democratic nations.
   (5-1)

* Couldn't learn from Vietnam, could we?
   (5-1)

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