Shot Off The Press
April 2005

* As a fuel conservation strategy, Bush proposes blocking the nation's busiest on-ramps.    (4-30)

* Mr. President, you're a lame  dick duck.
   (4-30)

* Secret sex video depicts Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe listening to Thriller in Peter Pan bathrobes
   (4-30)

* Bad omen: a limping duck crosses the President's path just as he unwittingly walks under a ladder
   (4-30)

* The President continues to defy logic: "If we fix Social Security, it will also fix global warming."
   (4-30)

* Reverend-masquerading-as-a-Senator Bill Frist declares that "Jesus would have voted to end the filibuster."
   (4-30)

* That spreading freedom thing sure is messsssssy.
   (4-30)

* The Three Dumbsketeers: Bush, Blair, & Putin
   (4-29)

* Cheney credits Bush's environmental policy for the surprise rediscovery of the ivory-billed woodpecker.
   (4-29)

* Social Security = Bush's windmill
   (4-29)

* U.S. begins subtly introducing Santa Claus and the Xmas tree into Iraqi culture.
   (4-29)

* The President's solution for rising gas prices: "We'll ask the oil producing countries
   if they have any extra oil they could put on the market, purty please." Perfect.
   (4-29)

* George Bush, the Great Enunciator.
   (4-29)

* The Bush Press Conference: proof that ignorance is bliss.
   (4-29)

* Condi spin: "New terrorist data suggests we are indeed safer. So many more incidents, yet not in our beloved U.S."
   (4-29)

* John "Molten" Bolton, The Human Branding Iron
   (4-28)

* Bush on rising gas prices: "It is always best to err on the side of pollution."
   (4-28)

* President Bush ties future successes in the Middle East, Pro-Life legislation, energy policy,
   a same-sex marriage ban, tax-immigration-healthcare reforms, deficit reduction, No Child Left Behind,
   a balanced budget, environmental stewardship, and Homeland Security directly to establishment of private S.S. accounts.
   (4-28)

* Chuck Checks & Balances
   (4-28)

* Major cities are moving toward "optional obedience" of traffic laws to accommodate cell-phoning drivers.
   Many are also widening lanes.
   (4-28)

* The President eases a worried nation's mind over gas prices: "We'll help you put gas on your families."
   (4-28)

I'm on vacation. Please scroll to your heart's content.
See you on the 28th. Thanks a million. --grant


* A synopsis of the Bush Energy Policy: "Blah, blah, blah, ANWR, blah, blah, blah."
   (4-17)

* I confess, the Wendy's chili finger is mine. Now, I'd like the $100,000 in small bills.
   (4-16)

* "Freedom Deficit?" Condi, are you serious? It's BUDGET Deficit.
   (4-16)

* The Washington Nationals' official new stadium name:
   Armed Forces Culture of Life Homeland Security War on Terror Evangelical American Safety Schiavo Field at RFK
   (4-15)

* Dear President Bush: please cram your agenda up your rearenda.
   (4-15)

* Maybe Eric Rudolph can take Zell Miller's place at the GOP Convention in '08.
   (4-15)

* Who would've ever thought Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Dan Quayle, and J. Edgar Hoover could look so good?
   (4-15)

* On this tax day 2005, let us pause and give thanks for all the wonderful things our hard-earned taxes pay for.
   
(Doris, I've vomited all over the computer.)   (4-15)

* For all you Deadwood fans out there: Karl Rove is the modern-day Al Swearengen, only more ruthless.
   (4-15)

* Pray for skeletons in Karl Rove's closet. Or, pray for someone to plant 'em there.
   (4-15)

* Too bad Dubya didn't just stick with baseball. To think, the madness could've been contained.
   (4-14)

* Those damned gay, abortion-loving Iraqi insurgents are spoiling our freedom party.
   (4-14)

* Leaked word out of the Vatican: the new Pope will be Catholic.
   (Thanks, Karl.)   (4-14)

* "Deficit Dubya": kill Social Security while greasing the richest of the rich by repealing the estate tax.
   "Rovenomics" at its best.
   (4-14)

* No gas price is going to make ME carpool.
   (4-14)

* "Rovepublicans" are laughing at you as they pray beside you, plundering the nation and the world at will.
   Are you blind?
   (4-14)

* DeLay apologizes. How sincere can that be for a guy with absolutely no conscience?
   (4-14)

* Britney's pregnant? Yay! They could name the baby "Shockenawe."
   (4-13)

* Immigration reform: everybody gets a "CitizenChip
" implanted into the right buttock,
   and a holographic tattoo on the forearm.
   (4-13)

* I might turn gay just to piss off the hyprocrites.
   (4-13)

* Congrats on the record trade deficit, Bush Clan. You've bankrupted America morally, and now, financially.
   (4-13)

* Bush has an iPod? Gross.
   (4-13)

* C'mon, Bolton is the perfect U.N. pick. Bullies beget bullies.
   (4-13)

* W: "Success in Iraq will make America safer..." From what, freedom?
   (4-12)

* Okay identity thieves. I give up. Here's my Social Security number in its raw form: 0123456789.
   Knock yourselves out, a--holes.
   (4-12)

* Aren't you more than a little concerned about the total absence of Dick Cheney?
   Aside from the surge of Cheney family nepotism, he's nowhere to be found.
   It's that creepy "Michael Jackson's-been-sleeping-in-my-son's-bed-and-I-didn't-know-it" feeling.
   (4-12)

* I bet you'll never get a pro-lifer to eat cloned t-bones or drink cloned-milk shakes.
   (4-12)

* How will the Holier-Than-Thoulicans explain away Arthur Finkelstein's gay marriage?
   (4-12)

* I'm encouraged that Don Rumsfeld says we have no exit strategy, just a victory strategy.
   Translation: we have nothing. We'll just keep changing rationale to fit the situation, like always.
   (4-12)

* Suddenly, Bush and Rove don't recall Tom DeLay being a Texan, let alone a Republican.
   (4-11)

* "Rovicious": of or pertaining to Karl Rove; insatiable appetite for power, control, and money. i.e. Rovicious greed.
   (4-11)

* Hey DeLay, the cockroaches need you more than we do. Godspeed on your return to the pest control industry, bub.
   (4-11)

* "DeLaysian": having the moral scruples of a termite. i.e. DeLaysian values.
   (4-11)

* Trigger-happy Republicans appear to be taking dead aim at their own feet. Blaze away, boys.
   (4-10)

* George W. Bullybush: shamelessly spending millions of YOUR tax dollars to kill Social Security.
   60 cities in 60 days. Return on investment: plummeting approval ratings combined with alienation
   of Congress and the American public. PERFECT.
   (4-10)

* President Bush laments the events in Darfur: "If only Sudan had a decent infrastructure for accessing the oil,
   we'd be more than happy to intervene and put some freedom on their families."
   (4-10)

* China-Japan, Taiwan-China, Israel-Palestinians, North Korea-USA, India-Pakistan, Lebanon-Syria,
   USA-Iran, Iraq-USA, Darfur-Jonjaweed... If we could just find a way to build "it's a small world" attractions
   everywhere, none a' this would be happening. Oh yeah, and don't forget the free Mentos.
   (4-10)

* They're dancing in the streets of Baghdad. No, wait a minute, that's PROTESTING.
   Seems they're sick of the occupiers. Well, that's gratitude for you. After all we've done...yada, yada, yada...
   (4-10)

* Have you ever entertained the notion that maybe global warming is being created by an Intelligent Designer?
   (4-9)

* On a lighter note: Prince Charles and Camilla have wed. I can't wait for the DVD.
   (4-9)

* On this second anniversary of Saddam's and Baghdad's fall, U.S. troops
   are still waiting patiently for rose petals to be strewn at their feet.
   (4-9)

* The President finally bows to timetable pressures: "We'll withdraw American troops from Iraq,
   regardless of the situation, by 2050. You have my word."
   (4-9)

* I've got a question: does pro-life dogma extend to the wanton abortion of insect fetuses? Shouldn't it?
   (4-8)

* Religious right: the anti-freedom.
   (4-8)

* Rock, paper, scissors. Constitution, Bible, politicians.
   (4-8)

* Keep your holy nose out of my business, and I'll keep mine out of your church.
   (4-8)

* Here's an abomination for you: some holier-than-thou pharmacists
   won't fill birth control prescriptions. Now THAT'S intolerance.
   (4-8)

* Abstinence-only movement pushes for GPS tracking of teenagers in effort to thwart sex.
   (4-8)

* I demand the right to be involved in end-of-life care decisions for President Bush,
   Jeb Bush, Tom DeLay, and Bill Frist. I'm sure Terri would agree.
   (4-8)

* The Religious Right is Fundamentally Wrong.
   (circa 4/2004)

* "Bushphemy": political blasphemy
   (4-7)

* The Patridiot Act. No explanation needed.
   (4-6)

* State-to-state and city-to-city passports are just around the corner.
   Heaven and Hell are on the drawing board.
   (4-6)

* I personally think George Bush would make a superior Pope. All he has to do is convert,
   learn English, then Italian. I'm sure Karl Rove could take care of the details.
   (4-6)

* "Obesity Jails" would force incarcerated weight loss upon morbidly overweight citizens.
   (4-6)

* Michael Jackson takes an innocent little shower with an 8-year-old boy.
   All he's trying to do is instill some good personal hygiene habits and he gets crucified.
   (4-6)

* Coming soon: Death of a Salesman and a Constitution starring Tom DeLay as Willy Loman
   (4-6)

* Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, and Rick Santorum are duking it out
   for the "Newt Gingrich Excellence in Arrogance Award."
   (4-5)

* Tony Blair: another Bush moron to root against.
   He's been reduced to a sniveling little bugger with a cute accent.
   (4-5)

* Rove works clandestinely with Vatican operatives inside the College of Cardinals
   to elect an administration-friendly Pope.
   (4-5)

* Rove on Bush: "One of history's most consequential presidents...
   one of history's great liberators...one of history's great reformers."
   Actually, I should have said, "Rove on acid."
   (4-4)

* The Minuteman Project of Tombstone, Arizona:
   making America safe through vigilantism and aryan values.
   (4-4)

* Tom DeLay becomes more arrogant with each passing day and issue,
   desperate to shift attention away from his record of flagrant abuse of power.
   That's how they do it in "Roveville."
   (4-4)

* "Judicial tyranny": Tom DeLay expresses moral indignation at how THE CONSTITUTION works.
   Well, it is a pretty stodgy old document.
   (4-4)

* "Republicanvenge": when arrogance, lies, intimidation, discrimination, scandal,
   fraud, and lawlessness combine to overthrow the current regime.
   (4-4)

* "Mr. Culture of Life" is heading to Rome for the Pope's funeral.
   He has clarified that "A Culture of Life" obviously does not apply to Iraq.
   (4-4)

* Why all the fuss? If we just make sure to plant WMD's in oil-rich countries
   BEFORE we invade, we'll never be "dead wrong" again.
   (4-3)

* The Preemptive United States of America: "Strike First, Ask No Questions Later"
   (4-2)

* Did you know that Donald Rumsfeld said even "a trained ape" knew there were Weapons of Mass Destruction?
   He's calling my President "a trained ape?!" Cute.
   (4-2)

* It is comforting to know that despite the "Dead Wrong" report, Dudley Do-Right Bush
   would have gone to war anyway. I love how he never lets facts get in the way.
   (4-2)

* Congress approves National Feeding Tube Holiday.
   (4-2)

* "Dead Wrong" intel machinery spins into place: welcome the BLAME CLINTON Campaign.
   (4-1)

* Ya hate to keep beating 2 dead horses, but have you noticed how similarly the President and DeLay speak?
   They're both Texans who must have had the same public speaking coach. Basically, they is both so ignorant sounding.
   (4-1)

* We must find a way for cars and planes to run on bullshit. It's the "forgotten resource."
   (i.e. My car runs on a mixture of Busholine and DeLayoline.)
   (4-1)

* On this very special day, let us stop and give thanks. If it weren't for all the fools we suffer,
   there would be no April Fools. You know exactly who to thank.
   (4-1)

* My other car is a thumb.
   (4-1)

* Britney Spears is pissed? Well then, so am I. Talk about unfair. How dare those "false tabloids."
   (4-1)

* I suppose next you're gonna tell me we're running out of water.
   (4-1)

* Okay all you Creationists, why don't you create us some infinite oil reserves, and pronto.
   (4-1)

* With all due respect to the religious right, we must clone dinosaurs and immediately convert them into fossil fuel.
   4-1)

* Great time to own a muscle car.
   (4-1)

* Don't be scared, be PREPARED: fill your swimming pool with gas.
   (4-1)

Grant "Brad" Gerver - Featuring political left-wing humor including bumper stickers, terse verses, music and more.
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