Shot Off The Press
March 2005

* Since we live in a culture of crap, let us err on the side of crap.    (3-31)

* It's Legacy time: George W. Bush, "THE DEAD WRONG PRESIDENT."
   It's not just a no-brainer, it's a "does he even have-a-brainer?"
   (3-31)

* Intelligence on Iraq: DEAD WRONG. Intelligence on WMD: WRONG. Intelligence on Iran: WRONG.
   Intelligence on North Korea: WRONG. Decision to invade: WRONG. Boy, our President is A idiot.
   (3-31)

* President Bush, Jeb by his side, orders all flags flown at half-mast in honor of Terri Schiavo
   for a period not to exceed 1 year.
   (3-31)

* With Social Security plaguing the President, he decides to go after Constitutional reform:
   "We need a more friendlier Constitution, one that isn't so darn picky. Being a American
   shouldn't be so strict. We must fix this crisis before it goes broke."
   (3-31)

* FILLET DeLAY
   (3-29)

* Gideon's Feeding Tube 'n Lube ®
   (3-30)

* leave only bombprints...
   (3-30)

* The Li'l Pro-Lifer Emergency Food Tube Insertion Kit ™ ~ Get yours today!
   (3-30)

* OnCell ™ automatically steers distracted cell-phone drivers to safety.
   (3-30)

* 1300 international scientists warn that the Earth is at huge ecological peril
   for present and future generations. Hop into my Hummer and let's discuss it.
   (3-30)

* There's got to be a way out of this environment crap that doesn't involve ME.
   (3-30)

* Conservation? Not on my Rolex watch.
   (3-30)

* The Culture of Hypocrisy: simultaneously being Pro-Life, Pro-Death Penalty, Pro-Feeding Tube,
   Pro-Moral Values, Pro-War, Pro-No Child Left Behind, Pro-Abstinence Only, Pro-NRA,
   Pro-Closed Borders, Pro-Wal*Mart, Pro-Wildlife, Pro-NASCAR, Pro-zac...
   (3-29)

* Michael Jackson: "The King of Ped"
   (3-29)

* Just Say NO to Hair Murder! STOP hair follicle stem cell research NOW!
   (3-29)

* "First Dubya," Laura Bush
   (3-29)

* Pulling out all the stops, the newly self-proclaimed "Reverend Michael Mandela Jesse Jackson"
   insists he has been officially ordained.
   (3-29)

* Bush bill would change Pledge of Allegience to "One Nation Under A American Culture-of-Life God" [sic]
   (3-29)

* Rove schemes to ban blogging.
   (3-29)

* Pray for the Separation of Church and State
   (circa 1993)

* Congratulations, Tom DeLay on your induction into the Rectum and Hemorrhoid Hall of Fame.
   (3-28)

* The King of Pop asks the Bush brothers to come to his rescue. They're mulling it over.
   (3-28)

* Hey, all you Holier-Than-Thous, why don't you PRAY for OIL?
   (3-28)

* The soon-to-be-preferred vehicle of choice: feet.
   (3-28)

* What's all this hubbub about running out of oil? We'll just make more. Duh.
   (3-28)

* It ain't gonna be long till you seriously say: "My other car is a horse."
   (Now, how would you attach bumper stickers?)
   (3-28)

* I envision George & Jeb wearing capes and tights, trying to save everyone from everything.
   I just hope they try to fly.
   (3-28)

* I'd like to know where in the hell the Bush brothers have been regarding the Brad and Jen split?
   They and Congress surely could've done more to stop the divorce.
   (3-28)

* Bonded: Barry Bonds speaks out in defense of Michael Jackson,
   once again blaming the media for everything.
   (3-27)

* Alarmed at his lowest job-approval rating yet, the President tries to sell Americans
   on the need to embrace "a culture of approval."
   (3-26)

* C'mon, George, make it interesting. Sell some F-16s to the Palestinians.
   (3-26)

* Spin THIS: as Bush's approval rating hits an all-time low, Rove blames a conspiracy of liberal,
   moral-valueless evil-doers.
   (3-26)

* Bush's first draft: "It's always best to err on the side of error."
   (3-25)

* Trying to secure his now-tainted legacy, Mark McGwire will pen new tell-all: God is My Steroid.
   (3-25)

* "Jihademocracy": toppling a dictator, having elections, declaring democracy,
   enabling terrorists to "freely" operate unfettered
   (3-25)

* All right, Holier-Than-Thous, here's your new battleground: the designer baby movement.
   (3-25)

* Rove moves quickly to secure newly-discovered planets for the Republican base.
   (3-25)

* Okay NeoGod'ers, "IT'S" already gone around. I can't wait for "IT" to come around.
   (3-25)

* Jeb Bush: the darling of "The Right-to-Take-Your-Rights-Away for-God" morons.
   (3-25)

* Jebya, you're playing fast and loose with others' rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
   (3-25)

* The Right Wing has finally met its match: THE CONSTITUTION, damnit.
   (3-24)

* If you're not happy with Hispanic illegals in this country, the best way to get even
   is to illegally cross their border and live in Mexico. Eye for an eye.
   (3-24)

* We're waiting to hear from the Administration about Red Lake.
   Some unfortunate children were tragically left behind. I guess it just doesn't suit the agenda yet.
   (3-24)

* It's Medicare, STUPID.
   (3-24)

* I suppose the Holier-Than-Thous will start wearing feeding-tube bracelets.
   (3-24)

* You're willing to sacrifice all moral decency for Terri Schiavo.
   What about reinserting the feeding tube back into Social Security?
   (3-24)

* The Bush Administration is "WorldCom-&-Enroning" us out of Social Security.
   It's a brazen book-cooking con job of the highest magnitude.
   (3-24)

* "WorldCom-&-Enroning": performing unwanted financial colonoscopy or prostate exam
   (3-24)

* Muammar Gadhafi: nice to see you back, out of the woodwork and in fine form.
   (3-24)

* In tragic epic irony, one of Terri Schiavo's many gifts may be to hasten the beginning of the end
   for the neocon "Holier-Than-Thous." Their trademark hypocrisy is blasphemous.
   (3-23)

* DeLay, the Bush Brothers, and Frist push for legislation to bestow permanent ownership of God
   upon the Conservative Right Wing.
   (3-23)

* How to cope with rising gas prices: drive part of the way. Then walk, bike, hitch, or siphon the rest of the way.
   (3-23)

* "hitchsiphoning": driving solely by siphoning gas to reach one's destination
   (3-23)

* Visualize the rapture of Dubya imploding.
   (3-23)

* The Bush Administration has morphed into the enemy it's fighting.
   (3-23)

* The illegacy continues: "My big brother done it, so can I." Jebya in '08.
   (3-23)

* "BushKill": 152 Texecutions (40 in 2000 a U.S. record); signed right-to-die law as Governor;
   invaded Iraq illegally, immorally killing untold numbers and counting.
   President George W. Bush has the unmitigated gall to pretend to support "a culture of life?!!!"
   Borrowing from the immortal words of Calamity Jane: Dubya, you "slimy limey c- - -sucker."
   (3-22)

* The "Do for Barry What You did for Terri" Campaign:
   Barry Bonds, poor baby. Everyone ought to apologize for accusing you of using steroids,
   even though you did. But, at your salary, you should be exempt from rules that mere fans have to follow.
   Maybe Congress could pass a special 11th-hour law for you like they did the other day.
   (3-22)

* The only "Jeb" I respect is President Jeb Bartlett. Phooey on Jeb Bush. Morally bankrupt, just like his big brother.
   (3-22)

* Most Texans are good folks, but President Bush and Tom Delay are not two of them.
   (3-22)

* I trust the Government as far as I can throw it.
   (3-22)

* "We shall overBu-u-ush, we shall overBu-u-ush, we shall overBush someday-ay-ay-ay-ay..."
   (3-22)

* House Majority Leader, Tom DisMay is quickly becoming "The Foam Hammer"
   (3-22)

* The President says: "It is always wise toáerr on the side of life." YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!
   Erring on the side of death is your specialty. You, sir, are a MORAL MORON.
   (3-22)

* "Moralon": moral moron
   (3-22)

* Tom Delay is using Terri Schiavo as a diversionary shield from his financial and ethics improprieties.
   He ought to be ashamed of himself. But, his kind don't go there.
   (3-22)

* Would whoever kidnapped the CONSTITUTION please return it immediately?
   (3-22)

* Q. - Who are the real terrorists? A. - Half the country voted them into office.
   (3-22)

* It's become so painfully obvious: Bush, DeLay, Frist, and their whole gang of Fundamental Holier-Than-Thous
   are all about extending and promoting pain and suffering. When's the last time they looked into a mirror?
   (3-22)

* I'm a Right-to-Qualilty Lifer
   (3-21)

* "Vigilante Diplomacy": invade every country that won't conform and be done with it.
   (3-21)

* In the Orient, the Secretary of State is known as Dr. Condoreezza Lice
   (3-21)

* The Two-State Solution: Israel & Israel.
   (3-21)

* President Bush and Majority Leader DeLay: Shameless. Priceless.
   (3-21)

* In the wake of the Schiavo furor, Republican Swift Boat Veterinarians for Truth
   approach Congress hoping to end pet euthanasia.
   (3-21)

* The Republican "Schiavo Talking Points" memo: "Pro-life will be excited.
   A great political issue -- this a tough issue for Democrats."
   Presuming there is a hell, you guys'll rot in it.
   (3-21)

* Cold-blooded: the President and Congress come to the "rescue" of poor Terri Schiavo
   for their own selfish political agenda.
   (3-21)

* So much for virginity pledges. It looks like the abstinence-only movement is screwed.
   (3-20)

* Wolfowitz to head the World Bank? I smell a neocon rat.
   (3-20)

* HAPPPPPPPPPY Anniversary, Everybody! Two years ago today we shocked-and-awed,
   made the world almost completely safe, and forced nations across the globe to be our best friends.
   (3-19)

* "SumBush": far more derogatory form of sumbitch.
   (3-19)

* Tom DeF'ingLay, you paragon of moral values. How kind, loving, sincere, and Evangelical
   of you to stick your big holier-than-thou Republican nose into Terri and Michael Schiavo's
   PERSONAL lives. Way to turn the spotlight on yourself, Jackass.
   (3-19)

* Poor Barry Bonds. It'll take him 10 more years to break Henry Aaron's homerun record without "juice."
   (3-19)

* Obesity solution: pass a law forcing customers to weigh in at the grocery store.
   Their weight would mandate what ratio of fattening-to-healthy foods they'd be allowed to buy.
   (3-19)

* Bud Selig demands Babe Ruth be exhumed and tested for steroids.
   (3-19)

* When I hear "March Madness," the first thing that comes to mind certainly isn't basketball.
   (3-19)

* How about injecting baseballs with steroids?
   (3-19)

* Limbaugh, O'Reilly, & Hannity: use any or all in place of your favorite expletives.
   (3-19)

* "SchizOPECphrenic": wild price fluctuations, mostly upward
   (3-18)

* Buff's MLB Mighty BrewCorp presents Sluggers' Steroid Power Ale ®
   (3-18)

* National Center for Atmospheric Research Study on Global Warming: "It's official, we're pretty much screwed."
   (3-18)

* Chinese insulted that U.S. would send a Secretary of State named after their main food staple.
   (3-18)

* Now we're into oppressing the obese. Yeah, that oughta' really help 'em lose weight.
   (3-18)

* "Wussy": a scaredy-cat afraid to stand up to a bully; i.e. Silvio Berlusconi
   (3-17)

* George Bush, "The Drill Bit" President: drillin' Alaska, drillin' Iraq, drillin' Americans, drillin' the world...
   (3-17)

* Alaskan oil = bigger cars, higher speed limits
   (3-17)

* Go ahead, drill ANWR. We're never gonna visit anyway.
   (3-17)

* My cell phone, like, flipped out: 17 bars!
   (3-17)

* It worked for a week: Bolton & Wolfowitz signal the reemergence of the end of diplomacy.
   (3-16)

* Oilaska!
   (3-16)

* The Bush Problem-Solving Model: solutions don't solve problems. Problems do.
   (3-16)

* Luckily, I like a little extra mercury with my air.
   (3-16)

* It's perfectly obvious that the crappier and more irresponsibly you do a job
   the higher up the Bush Administration career ladder you'll climb.
   (3-16)

* "The Greenspan Effect": gas prices may force Americans to walk more and drive less,
   thus improving health and longevity. This does not bode well for Social Security.
   (3-16)

* "Halliburtosis": gross stench caused by financial impropriety
   (3-16)

* President Bush cautiously embraces Hezbollah as his terrorist organization of choice
   just in case it might give him some political bling bling.
   (3-15)

* Under the gun, Greenspan invokes the "Financial WMD" excuse for backing Bush's tax cuts.
   (3-15)

* "Unilition": a coalition reduced to only one member.
   (3-15)

* So, Italy's leaving? Bush spews marinara.
   (3-15)

* In an effort to prop up the United States' Middle East image, "Don't Worry, be Muslim"
   & "Take a Muslim Home for Dinner" ads begin.
   (3-15)

* "All aboard the same-sex marriage train for Gaylifornia!"
   (3-15)

* Bush doesn't really want to capture Bin Laden & al-Zarqawi. He wouldn't be able to play his "FEAR Card."
   They're much more valuable to him on the loose.
   (3-15)

* We need a Brown Threat Level Advisory signifying the risk of terrorist attacks is "A Bunch of B.S."
   (3-14)

* Tom DeLay, you're goin' down, brother. Drag a' bunch of folks with you.
   (3-14)

* Welcome, Chaiwan!
   (3-14)

* Secretary Rice rules out running for the presidency. Welp, there goes my dream slap fight between Condi and Hillary.
   (3-14)

* Hummer "OPEC" debuts, boasting lower-than-ever gas mileage
   (3-14)

* The chances of Israeli-Palestinian peace = the chances of Bush admitting he's a closet gay Democrat.
   (3-14)

* Sensing unparalleled opportunity, Wal*Mart will open as Wal*MusliMart in the Middle East.
   (3-13)

* Of course I feel safer: got a loaded gun in every room, boarded up the windows, and I rarely sleep.
   (3-13)

* An undeniably bad sign: the emergence of nuclear bullets.
   (3-13)

* Gaming bill would limit number of casinos per state to 500.
   (3-13)

* A compassionate President Bush proposes raising can and bottle deposits to 25¢
   to offset any Social Security shortfall: "Poor citizens would simply go
   to a nearby park, dumpster, or landfill when they're short of cash. It's an equal opportunity for all."
   (3-13)

* Sharply increasing numbers of Americans are hording gas in backyard holding tanks.
   (3-13)

* New breed of credit card lets user bet up to twice their balance at issuing bank's online casino.
   (3-13)

* The Department of Homeland Security: "Fear is our Friend. Oil is its by-product."
   (3-12)

* There's a world map in the White House. All oil-rich countries are marked with a translucent dollar sign
   and stealth bomber.They're numbered in order of priority right next to the Invasion Schedule.
   (3-12)

* Stop and smell the mercury.
   (3-12)

* Mel Gibson vows to remake The Passion in 2008 starring George W. Bush in the lead role.
   It will then play continuously at the President's library.
   (3-11)

* The Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, Torture, and Abuse
   (3-11)

* "Iraqcination": immunization from guilt, rendering one's conscience powerless
   (3-11)

* Time to trim the Bushes.
   (3-11)

* What on Earth is the world coming to when you can't even torture a few foreign guys?
   I mean, they never even heard a' the Constitution.
   (3-11)

* The War on Terrorism is a windmill; the President, Don Quixote.
   (3-11)

* Thank you, George Bush for bringing the nearly archaic word, "crackpot" back into our consciousness.
   (3-11)

* Sure, I feel safer! When I talked to the Martian about jumping aboard his UFO if things got ugly, he was all ears.
   (3-11)

* I say George Bush and Co. created a sharp increase in terrorism just so they could fight it.
   (3-11)

* If Agent Orange is so damn safe, why don't the Federal Court judge who dismissed the suit,
   and the chemical companies that produced it, spray AO all over each other to prove it's harmless?
   (3-11)

* Mommy, can I get some jammies just like Michael's?
   (3-11)

* This giving-credit-to-Bush-afterall movement is just pure quackery.
   Dumb luck combined with epic gaffes, lies, and arrogance have conspired against us somehow.
   But remember, the Devil is so deceptive and beguiling.
   (3-10)

* Many Northern Irish want the IRA to disband. How can you blame them?
   Any organization with "Republican" in its name has to be suspect.
   (3-10)

* Hobos want donuts. Bears sh-- in the woods.
   The Pentagon absolves itself of blame in the torture-abuse debacle.
   (3-10)

* Free Jay Leno!
   (3-10)

* Lebanon reappoints pro-Syrian Karami. You can bet George Bush is one pissed little cowpoke.
   (3-10)

* Bankruptcy reform battle cry: "Let them eat cash."
   (3-9)

* BrokeCard® allows immediate transfer of all debts in lieu of tougher bankruptcy laws.
   Fixed 30% rate viewed as small obstacle.
   (3-9)

* Thank goodness the credit and banking industries have been spared the hardship
   of consumer bankruptcy protection as we knew it. I always thought the goal of credit cards was
   to take each and every one of us to the brink of bankruptcy. I must be missing something.
   (3-9)

* It's all about the INTELLIJUNTZ, Eyenstyne.
   (3-9)

* "All options are on the table." Translation: if a country is even "perceived" to be a nuclear threat,
   it's immediately "freedomized."
   (3-9)

* Dan Rather--DON'T R.I.P.--You meant well, pardner. Keep bringin' it on.

   (3-9)

* Echoes heard throughout the White House and throughout the Nation:
   "Hey, can someone get a little intelligence around here?"
   (3-9)

* Don't be too critical of Israel and the looming West Bank settlement scandal.
   They're just following our lead. They've learned from the best.
   (3-9)

* Regarding Iran & North Korea: are you insinuating thay my President is rushing to judgment AGAIN
   without adequate intelligence (I mean that both ways)? Perish the thought:
   "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again."
   (3-9)

* Thoughts on the Right Wing: ya hate to see the bad guys win.
   But, you've got to admit, they really ARE bad guys.
   (3-9)

* Bush insists that WMD has always stood for "We Mean Democracy!"
   (3-9)

* "democrazy": virulent form of United States democracy spreading to other countries
   (3-9)

* As democracy marches on in the Middle East, it appears hatred of the U.S. is marching right beside it.
   (3-8)

* On a cheerier note, at least the price of gas is going up.
   (3-8)

* I support democracy all the way. It just shouldn't be like having your stomach pumped.
   (3-8)

* The Middle East "thaw" is on thanks to "The Great Defroster," George W. Bush.
   (3-8)

* If we took the money we're wasting on "rototilling" Iraq
   plus the money Bush is spending on his "Kill Social Security Tour,"
   and gave it to Alan Greenspan to invest, there wouldn't be any shortfall.
   (3-8)

* Jon Stewart founds the Comedicratic Party: STEWART/MAHER '08.
   (3-8)

* Do I seem partisan?
   (3-8)

* The Right Wing can pay off the mainstream media.
   But, they can't buy the Internet. Therein lies their comeuppance.
   (3-7)

* Man, if we lose Italy and Bulgaria, we'll have to scramble to strong-arm some other "allies" to take their place
   in the "coalition." On second thought, no we won't. There aren't any left.
   (3-7)

* President Bush: "Torture is never acceptable, nor do we hand over people to countries that do torture."
   Yet one more GIGANTIC whopper from the supposed High King of Moral Values.
   (3-7)

* If Tom DeLay is "The Hammer," then George Bush is "The Whopper."
   (3-7)

* Let's set the record straight: the United States does NOT torture detainees.
   We send them to other countries to have it done.
   That's our "rendition" and we're stickin' to it.
   (3-7)

* It is truly awe-inspiring to see Tom DeLay squirming like an ant under a magnifying glass.
   (3-7)

* From the "Never Thought it Would Happen" category: junk foods join List of Controlled Substances.
   Yes, you'll need a prescription.
   (3-7)

* Retirement age raised to 85. Case closed.
   (3-7)

* United States starts "Oil-for-WE WON'T BOMB YOU" Program
   (3-6)

* Desperate times call for desperate measures: U.S. will begin using nuclear bunker-busters
   to "drill" for oil in Alaska and anywhere else there's a hint of crude.
   (3-6)

* Goodbye, Escaladia: Iran and Venezuela help to insure that not many folks will be buying Cadillacs
   (3-6)

* "Calamity George" has been one lucky devil, all right. He gets away with murder
   on a regular basis, and he's been the benefactor of more lucky breaks than a leprechaun.
   But, I'd love to see just how long the c-sucker'd last in Deadwood.
   (3-6)

* With a nod to the President, the American Proctology Guild selects "No Behind Left Behind" as its motto.
   (3-5)

* "shitistics": faulty or purposely misleading stats compiled by a "shitistician"
   (3-5)

* Howard Stern, George Carlin, Janet Jackson, Madonna and others form the FFCC:
   F'ing Federal Communications Commission
   (3-5)

* MLB moves fences way in to compensate for the end of the steroid era
   (3-5)

* "Bushkrieg": freedom on the march
   (3-5)

* Regarding the Social Security "train wreck" our beloved President keeps speaking of:
   HEY Lugnut, you're causing it!
   (3-4)

* President Bush caught thinking (!) aloud: "If we could just muster 25-30 million troops
   and a few more nukes, we could take care a' bidness."
   (3-4)

* Uh-oh, Iran: INCOMING!!!
   (3-4)

* Don't be alarmed, but George Bush wants to raise the draft age to 65. Again, not to worry.
   (3-4)

* The Republicans' Main Message: "The Democrats have no message."
   (3-4)

* Martha, I'm available.
   (3-4)

* This just in: immoral wars are apparently hell on recruiting.
(Duh.)    (3-4)

* Tough Texas talk: President Bush gives ultimatum to Bin Laden and al-Zarqawi:
   "You have 3 days to turn yourselves in."
   (3-4)

* The Michael Jackson reality: you're pretty much guilty until proven guilty.
   (3-4)

* What's with "George W." Greenspan?
   All his highfalutin financial gibberish simply means he's a big brown-noser.
   (3-4)

* Secretary of Defense, Donald "BTK" Rumsfeld
   (3-3)

* Blatantly Unqualified to $erve Humanity
   (3-3)

* When you think about it, the government operates exactly like those payday-advance crooks
   (3-3)

* President Bush, here's how you could apologize to North Korea for calling them "an outpost of tyranny":
   you could just say you meant "an outhouse of tyranny." Wouldn't that work?
   (3-3)

* "GOPsucker": Republican slur which rhymes with everyone's favorite Deadwood expletive,
   used particularly effectively by Calamity Jane and Al Swearengen; it means exactly the same thing.
   (3-4)

* HBO spinoff set to air: DEADWOOD: RGD (Republican Gold Diggers)
  ("Hey, GOPsucker!")    (3-2)

* Compassionate Intoxication: the President believes "All drunks are welcome" at any church.
   (3-2)

* "Faith-wasted initiatives": squandering the sacred nature of faith on political agendas
   (3-2)

* "Democrapcy": the type of democracy George Bush is spreading.
   (3-2)

* "Puclear": vomiting in a nuclear fashion; i.e. I'm going puclear over this administration's BS.
   (3-2)

* The other AARP: Americans Agonizing over Republican Pricks
   (3-1)

* It's looking more and more like the Social Security ramrod is meeting steel underpants
   (3-1)

* Welcome back, Baby Doll! I'm taking Friday off to celebrate Martha's release.
   (3-1)

* The hardest thing to handle right now is that "they" have all our nuts in all their vices.
   (3-1)

* USA Next Boat Veterans for Truth: yet one more lying right-wing muthuh to contend with.
   (3-1)

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