Shot Off The Press
February 2005

* Guess who's licking his chops over Lebanon?    (2-28)

* Hey, Tom DeLay, how can I contribute to your legal defense fund? Do you take Food Stamps?

* It's time to break out the voodoo dolls and work some "Bushcraft."

* Moral values? That's a laugh. WHAT moral values? "Moral Morass" is more like it.

* SS private account option: lotto tickets or casino chips.

* We are amidst an epidemic of Republicancer.

* Christo & Jeanne-Claude's "The Gates" will be moved to Iraq in hopes of mellowing out the insurgency.
   They seem to be into bright orange.

* Tough new background checks and lengthy waiting periods urged for nuclear weapons ownership.

* Covering his bases, President Bush proclaims Mars and all other planets democracies.
   He also secures U.S. rights to any fossil fuels within the Galaxy.

* Howard Dean hires brilliant young strategist, Karl Roven.

* One gets the feeling that Bush's visit suddenly empowered Russia and Iran like never before:
   now they're having a nuclear love fest.

* We need skeletons to emerge from Karl Rove's closet, and we need them right now.
   Maybe he spent time at Neverland with Michael. ANYTHING.

* "Chaocracy": a chaotic democracy forced upon a nation.

* Creationists claim to have proof that global warming can be reversed.

* The Bush Administration: living proof that Intelligent Design is a myth.

* My child made the honor roll at Fallujah Middle School

* "In-tim-i-date, in-tim-i-date, dance to the mu-sic..."

* Several foreign leaders are frantically building hidden "BUSH IS COMING!" bunkers.

* President Bush will begin riding a horse up and down the steps of Air Force One.

* "Another One Bites the Dust" echoes through White House hallways.

* Hubris that could melt glaciers: that's my George.

* President Bush sends Dr. Phil to have chat a with President Putin.

* Good riddance: all is back to normal in Europe and Russia now that the Texan is gone;
   just like when your parents visited you at college.   (2-25)

* Searching for the miracle cure, Democrats begin adding "compassionate" to all hot button issues.    (2-25)

* Why not outsource the U.S. Military to India? You could get 500,000 troops for a song.    (2-25)

* I assume the President will head to Crawford for a couple of months now. God, I hope so.
   The world needs a breather.    (2-24)

* Vladimir Putin, feet to the fire, testicles firmly clenched in George Bush's right hand,
   nods in phony agreement with anything the President wants. Mission Accomplished again.    (2-24)

* So, the Canucks are opting out of our faulty Missile Defense Shield, aye?
   Then I guess we're gonna have to BOMB CANADA!    (2-24)

* Threatened by left-wing Web sites and blogs, Karl Rove plans to dismantle the Internet.    (2-24)

* I am a proud "SMARTYPANTS LIBERAL" (term used by Karl Rove on 2-17)   (2-24)

* I hate to say it, but the era of "Bird Flu Terrorism" and suicide flu-spreaders is upon us.    (2-24)

* "You are either with us or you become a State":
   It's about time the United States expanded to 55 or 60 states, don't you think?        (2-24)

* The Michael Jackson defense: "Janet exposed herself to millions of children. I never did."    (2-23)

* BUSHTIANITY: official religion of the right wing and home of "Evan the Gelical."    (2-23)

* Jesus, if we allow gay marriage, what's next, happiness?    (2-23)

* Homeland Security urges Americans to buy and wear U.S.A. "Feel the Safety" cowboy hats.    (2-23)

* George Bush, the "Dirty Harry President": "Go ahead, punk (world), make my day!"    (2-23)

* Alliance building in Europe = shotgun wedding diplomacy    (2-23)

* The President makes it perfectly "clear" to Iran: "We aren't going to bomb you. Iran is not Iraq.
   But, if you keep developing nuclear weapons, we are going to bomb you, just like Iraq,
   even if it turns out you don't have any nukes, just like Iraq."    (2-23)

* When his tenure as President is over, I envision George Walker Bush
   starring in a Texas version of Death of a Salesman.    (2-23)

* That Kim Jong-il guy's a real beauty, isn't he?
   Always good to see a nutcase with nuclear weapons (no offense intended, Mr. Bush).    (2-22)

* Seeking legitimacy, identity thieves unionize.    (2-22)

* Dubya-in-Europe translation: "We will have our way with you, so you might as well enjoy it.
   In Texas, we call it 'compassionate branding.' "    (2-22)

* My Lloyd Bentsen take: Mr. President, I know George Washington. George Washington is a hero of mine.
   Mr. President, you may be a George, but you're no George Washington.   (2-22)

* George Bush not only smoked weed, he was smoked by Wead.    (2-21)

* Reports indicate the President is receiving endless gifts of pot and munchies.    (2-21)

* Doug Wead, meet "Jeff Gannon."    (2-21)

* Only a pious and compassionate leader would refuse to "kick gays."    (not)   (2-21)

* That was pretty cold of Doug Wead to make those secret tapes.
   But, since he shared them, all is forgiven.    (2-21)

* Okay, so President Bush admits smoking marijuana. But, DID HE INHALE?    (2-20)

* Administration's "Gay Tax" proprosal would fund homosexual rehabilitation centers    (2-20)

* Well that's great. The President is   invading   reaching out to Europe.
   (Think he'll visit an Amsterdam hash bar?)   (2-20)

* Place the blame for global warming where it truly lies: on research scientists    (2-20)

* Bush proposes Star Wars Refrigeration System to combat a warming world    (2-20)

* Rove-Gannon: Could this be the beginning of the "Take-Bush-Down-Gate" scandal
   we've all been dreaming of?    (2-20)

* George Bush is a bull in a global china shop    (2-20)

* Thank God Michael Jackson never became a priest.    (2-19)

* Rove dispatches Army Corps of Engineers to put President's likeness on Mt. Rushmore    (2-19)

* What moral compass?    (2-19)

* Intelligent Design mantra: "We ain't no stinking apes!"    (2-18)

* Bad omen: erectile dysfunction drugs are now available in alcohol form:
   Levitra Stout; Cialis Merlot; Viagra Tequila    (2-19)

* George Bush, CARNAC of the Middle East    (2-18)

* As we get compelling new proof that man has caused global warming,
   I still say it's an elaborate liberal hoax, just like evolution.    (2-18)

* "EVILution": Russia appears to be cozying up to Iran, who's tight with Syria.
   Add North Korea and you've got yourself pretty good cause for worry, wouldn't you think?    (2-18)

* Democratic Party diagnosis: insufferable pain caused by an abnormally aggressive,
   rapidly growing Roverian cyst    (2-17)

* Say Jose, would you mind injecting the Democratic Party?    (2-17)

* Available on "Growing Al-Qaeda the Republican Way"    (2-17)

* Visualize Republicans Imploding: "Remember The Gingrich!"    (2-17)

* In honor of the Kyoto Protocol, I will drive fast, make unnecessary trips,
   carry no passengers, use only premium, and disconnect my smog device.    (2-16)

* The George Bush sing-along (everybody join in): "He's got the whole world in his blender..."    (2-12)

* Intelligent Design isn't rocket science. As a matter of fact, it isn't science at all.    (2-18)

* Is it just me, or does it seem that the tougher the President talks,
   the more nuclear weapons appear?    (2-16)

* EXTRA!!! EXTRA!!! Democrats Permanently Screwed:
   Karl Rove hires "Dolly the sheep" scientist to clone himself over and over and over and over...    (2-10)

* Overwhelming
   No matter what you call it, it still spells OIL    (1-31)

* Coming to a bookstore near you: AMERICAN COLONOSCOPY: the Bush Agenda    (2-3)


* "Kyoto-Gotohell": we're the United States, damnit.
   We'll emit greenhouse gases how and when we please, thank you.    (2-15)

* Iraq: in deep Shiite    (2-13)

* We may not have exactly united Iraq or the Middle East,
   but at least we succeeded in bringing Iran and Syria together. (I'll bet North Korea is welcome, too.)   (2-16)

* FINALLY: coffee may actually cut the risk of liver cancer the more you drink it.
   Now we gotta pray for the big beer breakthrough.
   You know, like maybe beer causes you to drink more coffee. Yeah, that works.    (2-16)

* The USA: "Spreading democracy like there's no tomorrow" (And, there might not be.)   (2-8)

* Secret memo leaked: Bush ready to reinvade Iraq if election aftermath becomes too problematic    (2-14)

* I wish they'd cancel the dang War and have the NHL season   (2-16)

* I'll go along with an end to the filibuster rules when YOU guys go along with abortion and gay marriage.    (Well, not even then.)   (2-15)

* ROVEunism: the only way to control the world is to rule it    (2-12)

* e = mc2 : economy = mass confusion squared (Thanks to Albert Einstein)    (2-13)

* Stricter airport security screening means quarantining all passengers at airport
   1 week before they fly    (2-11)

* President Bush to Iraqis: "We're puttin' freedom on your families."    (2-13)

* Intelligent Design has an ignorant premise    (2-12)

* Unfortunately, the President didn't realize that spreading freedom
   also meant spreading nuclear freedom    (2-12)

* "assogance": incalculable arrogance;
   i.e. The President displayed more assogance than a roomful of dictators.    (2-12)

* The Social Security "crisis," the War, the budget, the Medicare drug prescription plan,
   the deficit, the debt...
   You don't have to be a CPA to know the numbers just don't addd up    (2-13)

* Terrorists don't fear George Bush. They LOVE him.    (2-12)

* President "Copperfield": turning a $400 billion Medicare drug cost into $724 billion;
   turning NO WMD's into a so-called democracy;
   turning a Social Security shortfall into a contrived crisis with a plan
   that doesn't even address the shortfall itself: Poof...IT'S MAGIC!    (2-12)

* iTurntable downloads songs direct-to-vinyl    (2-12)

* I've been injected by Jose Canseco    (2-13)

* I owe it all to my credit card.    (2-12)

* Dadgum, that's one lousy President    (2-13)

* Bush's implication to the world: "You are either with us or you are with us."    (2-3)

* I'm totally in favor of worldwide democracy, liberty, and freedom so long as we're still
   THE BOSS OF YOU.    (2-8)

* I'm giving George Bush up for Lent.    (2-9)

* Spreading Freedom = Democracy by Destruction    (2-10)

* Karl Rove, congratulations on your promotion.
   Now, go out and get embroiled in a lurid scandal or something.
   Come on, make it interesting.    (2-9)

* Right-wing institutional nut-busting: goodbye, compassionate conservatism.

* Problem Solved: President orders Treasury to print 7.6 trillion dollars immediately.    (2-9)

* The US is uniting many foreign states against US    (2-10)

* The Bush Clan Budget Recipe for Cooking the Books: add heaping Texas-size loads
   of prime aged and fresh bullshit; omit the costs of war, Social Security privatization,
   and permanent tax cuts; bring to an explosive boil; season generously with monumental hubris;
   spread thick and pile high; garnish vigorously with deficit; serve with Condi-ments.
   Bon appetito there, Mr. President.    (2-7)

* Proud faith-based Athiest    (2-4)

* U.S. message to the world: "Never mind that we've spurned you,
   invaded Iraq anyway, tortured detainees, ignored differing opinions,
   and threatened you with reprisals. Basically, we ask that you get over it,
   and stand behind us."    (way, way behind)   (2-8)

* America: "Emphasizing the 'Dip' in Diplomacy"    (2-8)

* The ultimate DNC challenge: make Karl Rove an offer he can't refu$e    (2-7)

* Welcome to the new Republican era of Social Suckurity    (2-6)

* BEWARE! The conspiratorial transformation to a one-party American political system
   is unfolding before your very eyes.    (2-7)

* How does the United Republican States of America strike you? How about "DEAD?"    (2-7)

* Of course I trust our leaders. I trust them to be devious.    (2-6)

* Our Secretary of State is quickly becoming "The American Dominatrix of Foreign Policy."    (2-5)

* "We won't be   Roved   fooled again"    (thanks to The Who)   (2-7)

* Okay, what's the REAL reason behind the phony Social Security crisis? Could it be . . .
   S A T A N  ?!    (2-5)

* Brutally honest ad campaign exposes dangers, risks, and outright loan-sharking practices
   of the credit industry; encourages public to use new, more accurate terms:
   "loan shark card," and "shark bite card."    (2-5)

* Despite all the Scripture they profess to stand behind, it's become appallingly apparent
   that President Bush and his administration just aren't "Golden Rule" kinda' folks.    (2-4)

* Married heterosexual protesters demand to be remarried as gays
   declaring, "Ban this, you homophobic hypocrites!"    (2-4)

* Dr. Kondoleezza Rice changes the spelling of her name to sync up better with Karl Rove's.    (2-4)

* What if somebody in a high place thinks there are weapons of mass destruction in Iran?
   Another "slam dunk?" Another freedom-spreading moment?    (2-4)

* Well, it's time to dust off the expletives and look for beer specials.    (2-3)

* The pin is out of the grenade: I would say Palestinian-Israeli peace
   has about as much chance as Social Security privatization.    (2-3)

* That sick sinking feeling: "The Bush Royal Family" = Jeb-Cheney in '08 & '12, the twins in '16 & '20.    (2-3)

* Helpful Hint: when showing solidarity with Iraqi voters, do not
   dip your nose-picking finger in the blue ink. It'll turn your nostrils blue.    (2-3)

* The abridged State of the Union: "It pretty much sucks."    (2-2)

* Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow: 6 more years of Iraqi occupation    (2-2)

* President Bush said to be searching eBay for good deals on political capital.    (2-2)

* Bitter? Me? No way! It's more like a relentless burning, seething, scratchy itchiness
   in every one of my mucous membranes.    (2-3)

* I've heard of spreading manure. But, freedom?
   Well then, where can I get me one a' them there freedom spreaders?    (2-2)

* Hey George, can you hear those faint quacks off in the distance?
   (sponsored by Lame Ducks Unlimited ®)    (2-2)

* All Iraqi voters with blue-finger-proof are invited to watch the Super Bowl with U.S. troops    (2-1)

* Yellow bracelets: OUT. Blue index fingers: IN.    (2-1)

* President Bush emphatically promises troops will withdraw from Iraq before any new invasion begins.

* Quit torturing Alberto Gonzales and confirm him already. (NOT)   (2-1)

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