Shot Off The Press
January 2005

* 9 billion dollars is missing? Just claim it as a "freedom-spreading" deduction.    (1-31)

* Ever the skeptic, I must make mention of this:
   President Bush has called Iraq's election a "resounding success."
   In an eerie coincidence, it has the same number of syllables as "Mission Accomplished."    (1-31)


* For those of you "Hearing the voice of freedom from the center of the Middle East"
   as our President does, just remember to thank all those nonexistent weapons of mass destruction.
   Without them, we'd never even be in Iraq.    (1-30)


* The election's over. Can we go home now?    (1-30)

* If the U.S. did leave Iraq right after the elections, all the money saved
   could be used to build that secret undersea oil pipeline to Texas.    (1-29)


* It all keeps coming back to MORAL VALUES. And we, as a nation, apparently have none.    (1-29)

* I've learned to despise and distrust the words "ambitious agenda."
   They're in the same category as "just peace" and "slight rape."    (1-29)


* As tax time rolls around, aren't you glad YOUR money is being used
   to pay media right-wingers to promote Bush Administration policy?
   Now, that's blasphemy at its finest.    (1-29)


* If the actual trillions of National Debt dollars were laid end-to-end,
   they'd circle the Universe roughly 4.5 times.    (1-29)


* Iraq reminds me of that old anti-drug commercial with the fried eggs:
   "This is your brain on drugs." Now it's: "This is your country on Bush."    (1-29)


* HUGE KUDOS to President Bush for staging the Iraqi elections on Super Bowl bye week.
   You can bet a lot of Iraqis will be watching the game. It's what "free" people do.    (1-28)


* According to anonymous insiders, George Bush can often be heard whistling
   Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin' "    (1-28)


* Ted Kennedy: way to step up to the plate, dude.    Chappa-what-ddick? (1-28)

* Come on all you financial wussies: the deficit is no worse than having a credit card
   with the sky for a limit. Like, who wouldn't die to have that?    (1-28)


* I like to think of the United States as a "Pit Bull Democracy"    (1-28)

* Continuing to lower election expectations, a State Dep't. spokesman declares,
   "Even if no one votes, we'll still be able to accurately project how they might have voted,
   and those results will stand."    (1-27)


* I say Michael Jackson should do some "Freedom Concerts" in Iraq to celebrate the elections,
   you know, just in case he should be found guilty and gets off with community service    (1-28)


* WAR on TERRORISM UPDATE~
   "You can run, but you can not hide": evil-doers now confined to just 5 continents    (1-27)


* President Bush urges Iraqis to defy terrorists and vote. That's easy for HIM to say.
   How about our fearless leader casting the first ceremonial vote right in the middle of Baghdad?    (1-27)


* Iraq will be divided into red and blue provinces for Sunday's election coverage    (1-27)

* Perfect timing: CONGRATULATIONS to new Secretary of State, Dr. Condoleezza Rice,
   on her confirmation during the bloodiest day of the War for U.S. troops.    (1-26)


* Apparently, we will be "spreading freedom" even if it kills us all. Now, that's resolve.    (1-26)

* From our job files: "Poll workers needed. GREAT pay, no background check, no resume,
   free Iraqi vacation (provide own insurance)..."    (1-26)


* Johnny Carson, Ed Ames, The Tomahawk Incident: "Welcome to Frontier Bris!"
   It'll never be equalled. Just like Johnny.    (1-24)


* Bush proposes faith-based deficit reduction: "God'll crunch the numbers."    (1-26)

* Invoking executive privilege, citing political capital and a mandate from the people,
   a feisty President Bush personally overturns Roe v. Wade.    (1-25)


* Okay, so the War's extremely controversial. Luckily, that's offset by how inexpensive it is.    (1-25)

* Just as Viagra might also be beneficial for combatting heart enlargement,
   Vioxx might also be "beneficial" for causing heart attacks.
   Now all they gotta do is manufacture a need.    (1-25)


* Using the most cost-effective strategy imaginable, Merck purchases the FDA    (1-25)

* How come Iraqis don't display bumper stickers and yard signs for their favorite candidates?    (1-25)

* Iraq: "The Passion of the Bush"    (4-30-04)

* Iran: "The Next Passion of the Bush"    (1-17)

* "hubriswagger": arrogant, defiant overconfidence displayed by a high governmental official,
   especially a president    (1-24)


* Good move: Fox hires Zell "The Loosest Cannon" Miller
   to give color commentary during the Iraqi elections    (1-25)


* While I would be ecstatic for there to be peace between Israel and the Palestinians,
   I liken the whole process to "having sex and then putting on the condom."    (1-23)


* President Yushchenko, beware of your American counterpart    (1-23)

* Exit strategies are for wimps    (1-22)

* Hell, while we're over there, we might as well nail Iran. We're topplin' tyrannies like dominoes.    (1-21)

* The world has just come to an end: the first case of "Mad Beer Disease" has been confirmed.    (1-21)

* I TiVo'd the Inauguration if anyone needs it.    (1-21)

* "FOUR   MORON   MORE YEARS!"    (1-22)

* The Little Republican Cowpoke's Prayer:
   I can't wait until the whole wide world is free and democratic
   and happy and rich and believes in our American God and all the bad people are killed
   and George W. Bush gets to be President forever and ever and fixes Social Security
   and everybody wears cowboy hats and boots and liberals go away or get killed
   and there's no abortions and no gay people and no Roe v. Wade and no Evolution
   and everybody loves everybody even if they aren't as good as us and there's tax and tort reform
   and there's always oil and no global warming and lots and lots of jobs and toys and candy...Amen    (1-21)


* The way the President pursues them, my mind only hears "freedumb" and "dumbocracy."    (1-21)

* With the Inaaarghuration over, let the countdown begin.
   Each second that passes is one second closer to the end of the Bush Regime:
   "1 Barack Obama, 2 Barack Obama, 3 Barack Obama..."    (1-20)


* "mandope": a person who thinks he has a mandate, but actually doesn't.    (1-19)

* My pipe dream headline: "President dumps First Lady for Condi; Jen & Brad offer support"    (1-19)

* Gotta love that Condi: "The time for diplomacy is now," she says.
   The time for diplomacy should have been THEN, damnit.    (1-19)


* The WMD thing didn't work out, so let's try, "The world is better off without Saddam."
   We'll just keep rewriting history until we get it right. It's "absolutely the right thing to do."    (1-19)


* Does that Hersh report on Iran mean we can look forward
   to many more "Shock and Awes" and "Missions Accomplished?"    (1-18)


* Soon-to-be Secretary of State, Condi Rice, doesn't let the truth stand in her way.
   It's a match made in heaven.    (1-18)


* Iraq Exit Strategy: let the next President worry about it.    (1-18)

* How can you be critical of a lavish, extravagant 40-million-dollar Inauguration?
   How else would you expect a swaggerin' Texan to celebrate?
   As for U.S. soldiers, grieving Iraqis, and tsunami victims: let 'em eat cake.    (1-18)


* In order to calm an already jumpy nation,
   noiseless fireworks will be used during all inaugural events    (1-17)


* The Democrats ponder image change: "Demo-Vangeli-cratic Party,"
   featuring an angelic-looking donkey gazing skyward    (1-17)


* Iraqi election security ramps up with massive billboard campaign:
   "CAR AND SUICIDE BOMBS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN AND HIGHLY DISCOURAGED
   (during elections)"    (1-16)


* "Made in the U.S.A. by China" labels really torque American consumers    (1-16)

* "Sig Stupid": Prince Harry, what in the holy hell were you thinking?    (1-16)

* As the Inauguration nears, national nausea epidemic worsens    (1-16)

* Again feeling the insatiable need to invade for no reason, George Bush attacks Social Security    (1-16)

* Taking the moral low ground: if "President" Bush truly had high moral values,
   he and his top brass would be taking responsibility for an immoral war, torture, and lying to
   and deceiving the American public instead of letting it all fall on lowly Army officers,
   powerless administration officials who dared tell the truth, and a defenseless TV network.
   I would even go so far as to say, if they were truly men of God, they would ask for forgiveness and resign.
    But, I'm not bitter.    (1-16)


* The bad news: we created a holocaust in Iraq.
   The good news: at least we didn't create the killer tsunami.    (1-15)


* I find it reassuring that the Bush Administration is lowering expectations for the Iraqi elections.
   It's always a good thing to cover one's ass.    (1-15)


* Not all that bad: hopes for peace between Israel & the Palestinians lasted a couple of days anyway.    (1-15)

* U.S. will try fumigating Iraq to get rid of insurgents.
   Gas masks will only be handed out to registered voters.    (1-15)


* Iraqis are just dying to vote    (1-14)

* UAQ (University of Al Qaeda) ~ home of the "Fightin' Osamas" ~
   ~ free admission, free tuition ~ based in Iraq with satellite campuses worldwide ~    (1-14)


* Eternal Bush brilliance: "The Salvador Option"-Fighting terrorism WITH terrorism. Pretty shrewd.
   (1-14  w/help from factfinder, Karl Azid)


* "No Al-Qaedan Left Behind": kudos to President Bush for turning Iraq into Iraqaeda.    (1-14)

* Great news for Major League Baseball players: you can't use steriods, BUT, you can take SPEED!
   Man, it's gonna be one edgy game out there.    (1-14)


* Regarding those creationist textbook stickers: are you telling me EVOLUTION really IS a FACT?
   I pray that it isn't.    (1-14)


* Don't fine Randy Moss. Just take points off the board when an idiot athlete gets ugly.
   By the same token, don't fine athletes for using steroids.
   Just forfeit all the games in which they played "enhanced." Simple.    (1-14)


* Dontcha' just love that Michael Jackson? Hope to see him "perform" at the Inauguration.    (1-14)

* President Bush is my rock & moral mentor:
   whenever I screw up or lie, all I have to do is refuse to admit it and continue doing it.
   What a wonderful example for all those children who won't be left behind.    (1-13)


* You'd actually trust the same guy who lied his way into Iraq,
   and squandered a record surplus into a record deficit to "fix" Social Security?
   Don't let the fox into the henhouse, baby!    (1-12)


* If the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction is officially over, then shouldn't the war be over?    (1-12)

* Food pyramid, Iraqi pyramid...it's so confusing.    (1-12)

* The President urges all Americans to eat more red meat
   as a way to help ease the so-called Social Security "crisis."    (1-12)


* Graner a no-brainer: the Abu Ghraib mess wouldn't be such a big honkin' deal
   if those tortured Iraqi detainees just weren't human beings.    (1-12)


* It all boils down to this: eat only while you're exercising.    (1-12)

* If they dyed red meat another color, wouldn't it be safer?    (1-12)

* At Abu Ghraib, the guards just tried to build a little prisoner spirit by forming an Iraqi pyramid.
   Now, that's just good old-fashioned wholesome cheerleading fun (except for the nudity part).    (1-11)


* George Bush will always be known as "The Repairman President":
   he "fixed" Iraq, and now he's gonna fix Social Security    (1-11)


* This can truly be said of the Bush Presidency: no money left behind    (1-11)

* GODTM ® ©    (1-4)

* NEWTER GINGRICH    (1994)

* Initiate Retreat: Act Quickly    (1-9)

* Good news abounds: we can now apparently consume 20 times more perchlorate
   than the EPA thought. Party!    (1-11)


* In a bizarre attempt to apologize for the Bush service documents flap,
   60 Minutes hires Armstrong Williams as a correspondent    (1-11)


* Bush the peacemaker = Oxy the moron    (1-10)

* To Brad & Jennifer: thanks for refocusing our perspective on what really matters.    (1-10)

* As Sudan, Israel, and the Palestinians flirt with peace, maybe a certain President could get the hint.    (1-10)

* In Iraq, why must we stay the curse?    (1-7)

* The President vows to eradicate tsunamis: "We shall defeat nature."    (1-4)

* Bush has the CIA looking into whether terrorists were behind the killer tsunami    (1-5)

* The Irony is Excruciating:
   we send massive relief to aid one epic disaster while simultaneously creating another    (1-5)


* In true Compassionate Conservative style, there will be 2 "separate but equal" Inaugurations:
   the Straight Ceremony on January 20th, & the Gay Ceremony on January 21st.    (1-10)


* Congressional resolution officially puts God on our side    (1-9)

* I'm behind Alberto Gonzales for Attorney General all the way.
   A little torture never killed anybody. Well, maybe a few, but they were just Iraqis.    (1-7)


* Yeah, I think Israel and the Palestinians will make peace,
   about the same time Ford starts rolling out the "new" Edsel.    (1-9)


* Try this on for size: The Los Angeles Red Sox of Boston    (1-7)

* I feel like I'm being faith-based straight to hell.    (1-8)

* Iraq doesn't want to become democratic any more than we want to become Islamic    (1-5)

* Visualize Impeachment    (1-4)

* Moving to secure his legacy, The George Walker Bush Presidential Library,
   funded by a Halliburton endowment, has 2 books and counting.    (1-4-Thanks to Spike Gerver)


* The war in Iraq: trying to pump life into a corpse    (1-4)

* George W. Bush is a mad cow    (1-3)

* Welp, I'm off my diet.    (1-2)

* May the New Year Bless America with More "Successful" Invasions    (1-2)

* Remember when the worst thing you did was toilet paper someone's house?
   Now, it's evolved into shining lasers into cockpits. I don't get it.    (1-1-05)

Grant "Brad" Gerver - Featuring political left-wing humor including bumper stickers, terse verses, music and more.
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