Shot Off The Press
December 2004

* TsunamIraq    (12-31-thanks to Karl Azid)

* Just out of morbid curiosity: does anyone really care what happens to Randy Johnson?    (12-31)

* For every George W. Bush there's an Anna Nicole Smith    (12-31)

* It's too late to be careful: many of you did indeed get what you wished for.    (12-31)

* A RECAP OF SOME OF THE LATEST NEWS:
   1. Fast food makes you fat.
   2. Mind-altering prescription drugs can alter your mind in violent ways.
   3. While Nature has exacted an unmerciful toll in Asia, George Bush is doing it personally to Iraq.
   4. Pure greed will result in the gutting of Social Security.
   5. Drug companies' greed is not only deadly, but bad fiscal policy.
   6. The most common unifying element in all human suffering is, without question, GREED.
   7. All of the above will be softened by the beauty of the Iraqi elections and
       the joyous "spread" of democracy in the Middle East (is that too sarcastic?).
   8. Many Bush policies are smoke screens for blatant fraud.
   9. I could go on, but I better not.
 10. Happy New Year??????????
       P.S.-Did I mention greed was a problem?    (12-31)


* To those Evangelical supporters of the Republican agenda: could the tragic TSUNAMI
   be God's way of telling the United States that we better mend our ways?    (12-30)


* New Year's Resolution: BRING OUR TROOPS BACK HOME ALIVE IN 2005    (12-30)

* (Serious, no kidding) - Think how far some of our wasted hundreds of war billions
   could have gone toward Asian Tsunami Relief    (12-29)


* With horrific & numbing world events unfolding before our eyes,
   we need to pause for a moment of relief by uttering this brief incantation:
   "l-i-z-a-m-i-n-n-e-l-l-i"    (12-28)


* Bin Laden mentions al-Zarqawi on tape, thus advancing
   a giddy White House's "Smoking Terrorist" Theory    (12-28)


* "Suicide Voter": any Iraqi who risks voting    (12-28)

* It looks like dozens of Iraqis will be turning out to vote on January 30th    (12-28)

* A red-faced President Bush originally thought "tsunami" was a Japanese delicacy.    (12-27)

* Dear FDA: don't ban drugs, ban drug studies. That's where the problems lie.    (12-27)

* Administration pushes for Department of Drugland Security    (12-27)

* The Sopranos' influence is overheard at The White House: "Bustin' balls for America."    (12-26)

* Pepto-Bismol, anyone? "Compassionate Creationism" & "Compassionate Environmentalism"
   enter the Bush vernacular.    (12-26)


* Now come on! Do you really think the Administration would deliberately gut
   all the years of hard-won environmental policy for its own selfish gain?
   Yeah, me too.    (12-25)


* "Enviropreneur" George Bush genuinely loves our National Forests,
   where money grows on trees and oil longs to be freed.    (12-25)


* From ME to YOU: may you and your Family experience the joys, the bounty,
   the beauty, and the humor of this discombobulated Holiday Season.
   HAPPY FESTIVUS, EVERYONE!    (12-25)


* Who knew Yasser Arafat secretly yearned to be a professional bowler?    (12-25)

* At this very special time of year, anger and desolation give way to understanding and forgiveness:
   maybe we went into Iraq a tad prematurely; maybe even under false pretenses;
   at great loss of life & limb to both sides; in the name of righteous moral values.
   But, after all is said and done, WE'RE AMERICA, by golly.
   Deep down, isn't it all worthwhile?
   HELL NO!    (12-24)


* My personal interpretation of Rumsfeld's incendiary remarks:
   "As you know, you go to war with the horse's ass you have,
   not the horse's ass you might want or wish to have at a later time."    (12-24)


* Vladimir Putin took over Yukos like his good pal, George Bush, took over Iraq.
   He's learned from the master.    (12-24)


* "Jingle Bombs, Jingle Bombs, Jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in an armorless convoy, aye..."
   (12-23)


* As a show of troop support, Secretary Rumsfeld will move his office to a tent outside the White House    (12-23)

* I can't afford to clone my cat for $50-grand, so I'm going for the guppy special @ $5,000    (12-23)

* Iraqis will be airlifted to the United States so they may vote safely    (12-22)

* How many of the dead and wounded, and their families,
   are buying into the President's "Vital Mission for Peace" now?    (12-22)


* President said to be tortured by latest prisoner abuse allegations    (12-22)

* Guess who the President's favorite terrier is? Why, it's Tony Blair, silly!    (12-21)

* Dressed to Kill: emergence of the most virulent form of insurgency to date is a steadfast
   and mushrooming group of uncommonly shrewd, gay, pro-choice Iraqi guerillas    (12-21)


* United States PRISONER OF WARped right-wing logic and moral decay    (12-21)

* If only conscience were an organ, Karl Rove could have a transplant    (12-21)

* POLITICAL ARROGANCE HALL of FAME award winners in the category of
   Most Boastful Prophecies Coming Back to Haunt Us in Biblical Proportion:
   "SHOCK & AWE"
   "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"
   "WE WILL, IN FACT, BE GREETED AS LIBERATORS"
   "THE STREETS OF BAGHDAD WILL BE STREWN WITH ROSE PETALS"
   "LIBERATING IRAQ WILL BE A CAKEWALK"
    "IT'S A SLAM-DUNK CASE"
   (12-20)


* "Iraqaotic": infinitely more chaotic than expected    (12-20)

* Anyone ever hear of a neocon-artist?    (12-20)

* Do you think Iraqi voters will get those "I VOTED" stickers?    (12-20)

* Celebrex appears to be Pfinished    (12-20)

* The obvious solution: Rumsfeld steps down and put out to pasture as a Halliburton consultant    (12-19)

* Backpedaling, the FDA approves marijuana use: "At least we got something right."    (12-18)

* Like a kid in a candy store: yeah, I'd want my child at
   Michael Jackson's Neverland Xmas Party!    (12-18)


* "Warbortion": the killing of born children in a needless, immoral war    (12-18)

* The ambitious Republican Agenda: "If it ain't broke, break it. If it truly is broke, ignore it."    (12-17)

* The FDA joins drug makers in proclaiming that drugs aren't really the problem,
   inferior hearts and livers are.   (12-17)


* Dear Google: you are seriously jeopardizing the world's greatest-ever excuse: IGNORANCE.
   Is nothing sacred?    (12-17)


* Hey, I'LL be Secretary of Homeland Security!    (12-16)

* A country driven by credit deserves a good healthy deficit.
   It's thee ultimate balance-transfer opportunity.    (12-16)


* Bush logic: global warming is good for the economy, stupid.    (12-16)

* Social Security: maybe it's not nearly as broken as we thought it was. But, it WILL BE.    (12-16)

* Why execute Scott Peterson? Just ship him to Iraq as a bomb detector.    (12-15)

* Bungle a War, win a Medal of Freedom.
   Bungle your personal & professional life, win a Cabinet nomination.    (12-15)


* He really knows how to lob a verbal grenade: John McCain, Loose Cannon for President 2008.    (12-15)

* Most obscure but suddenly overused words: "vetting" & "peccadillo."    (12-15)

* Is this a great country or what? I just qualified for a mortgage 4 times higher than I can afford!    (12-14)

* Would-be Homeland Security chief, Bernard Kerik,
   dodges the big one using the "Nannygate" decoy    (12-14)


* The Kerik debacle has Rudy Giuliani looking every bit the part of a Republican presidential contender    (12-14)

* If only marijuana were legal, think of all the "micropoteries"
   you'd have next to all those microbreweries    (12-14)


* The NSL (National Steroid League) is forming. It has plenty of players,
   they just need to settle on a sport.    (12-14)


* NORMALIS~"better than a placebo"TM
   The drug that makes you feel as though you've taken nothing at all    (12-14)


* Exhaustive landmark research concludes that the single most significant cause of death is life.    (12-14)

* What doesn't kill you makes you stronger: Viktor Yuschenko is now poison to his opponents.    (12-12)

* Why don't we just buy OPEC?    (12-12)

* "Drill & Spill Program": Gov't. scientists try genetically altering
   Alaskan sea animals to tolerate oil spills    (12-11)


* I'd buy stock in FertiLap®, the male laptop thermostat that safeguards user fertility    (12-10)

* "Mr. Instant Morale": reaching for the Bob Hope effect, Secretary Rumsfeld tries to rally the troops.
   He, forgive the pun, bombs.    (12-9)


* Baseball fans sue for right to take steroids so they can "be on a level playing field."    (12-9)

* The CDC confirms first case of Moralvaluenza    (12-7)

* Americans traveling abroad are urged to stamp "DID NOT VOTE FOR BUSH" on foreheads    (12-7)

* Here's a patriotic act for you to consider: take the Patriot Act,
   roll it up in an American flag, and burn it.    (12-7)


* Join the Guard or Reserve: Lifetime Work Guaranteed    (12-6)

* Taking its cue from the BCS, the War Championship Series ranks
   which countries should be democratized next    (12-6)


* HOMEBUILDERS for the ENVIRONMENT  would like to remind you that
   "You Can't Build a House Out of Birds"    (12-5)


* Enviro Flip-Flop: Endangered Species Act will be replaced by the
   Endangered Loggers, Ranchers, Miners, Developers, & Drillers Act.    (12-5)


* How emBarryssing: Barry "BALCO" Bonds didn't even know he was taking steroids.
   He just thought he was having a "growth spurt" in his late 30's.    (12-3)


* We need 2 Olympics, 2 pro sports leagues, and 2 record books:
   one for steroid users, one for nonusers.    (12-3)


* Isn't it refreshingly nostalgic to have the Cold War back?    (12-3)

* Regarding sexual abstinence: I propose a Constitutional Amendment banning sex between
   partners not in a heterosexual marriage. Homeland Security could issue convenient "Sex Permits."    (12-2)


* Now, here's democratic irony for you: President Putin offers to lend President Bush
   a hand with the Iraqi elections.    (12-2)


* Good News! U.S. troops might be coming home in as little as 10 years!! Yay!!! Go U.S.A!!!!    (12-2)

* Canada's one cold S.O.B., isn't it, Mr. President?    (12-2)

* Why don't I feel safer?    (12-2)

* I can't wait for the Iraqi elections. That oughta' really stabalize the sucker.    (12-2)

* Halliburton given contract to run Homeland Security in wake of Ridge's departure    (12-1)

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