Shot Off The Press
2004

* George W. Bush has all the makings of the perfect 1-term ex-President:
    ignorance, arrogance, dishonesty, poor choice of peers, and, that damn swagger.


* Why wouldn't Osama support Bush's reelection?
   The President has been the best recruiting tool for terrorists the world has ever seen.


* If Kerry's good enough for Springsteen, HE'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

* Okay, enough about politics. How's Britney's marriage goin'?

* Bush cries foul:
   "My opponent has engaged in a conspiracy to gain unfair political advantage
   from facts surrounding the FBI investigation of Halliburton, missing explosives,
   & the true number of Iraqi casualties. This has suspiciously come out
   just before the election. I can only blame my opponent for these facts.
   The fair thing would have been to wait till after the election to disclose them.
   Just another typical dirty trick by my opponent."


* Thanks, Red Sox: I assume hell has frozen over, and we can kiss death & taxes goodbye.

* The President overheard venting to Karl Rove:
   "Damnit, Karl, if we'd a' only thunk of it, those 380 tons a' missin' explosives coulda' been the WMD!"
   "They still can be, my son. They still can be."


* #1 bestseller: "The O'Reilly-Bennett Factor~Two Bills' Blown Virtues"
   (as told to Jimmy Swaggart & Rush Limbaugh)


* 380 tons of high explosives disappear from Iraq. You got a problem with that?

* Bill Clinton and Pee Wee Herman reach out to Bill O'Reilly in his hour of need

* Poor Yankees: there's simply no one else to buy.

* Bush and Company mull over "Nukes-for-Oil" possibilities

* Backed into a hopeless corner, the Government is forced to call off flu season.

* There's no doubt who won all 3 debates: the more gooder man, President George W. Bush.

* How about 2 Constitutions: one with The Bill of Rights,
   and one with The Ten Commandments?


* Fair Ball: pay pro athletes what teachers make; pay teachers what pro athletes make.

* Dear President Bush-lovers: careful what you pray for.

* JAILBREAK! MARTHA ESCAPES!

* The NHL is iced. I hope the NBA is next. If Major League Baseball should follow,
   I could concentrate on what really matters: FOOTBALL.


* I just hope against hope that Shaq and Kobe can mend their fences.
   It would be such a better world if they could.


* NOTICE: I have nothing against President Cheney or Vice President Bush. It's hard work.

* In bold Karl-Rovian spin, a desperate Bush & Cheney are reduced to using
   "It's hard work lying to the American people" as their justification for going to war.


* The President comes clean: "Sure we know there weren't Weapons of Mass Destruction.
   But, it's hard work."


* Dubya, swagger on BACK to Crawford and brand some animals

* www.marthastewart.coN

* Refuse to be intimidated by facts: vote Bush-Cheney '04

* The Central Republicantelligence Agency

* Anyone who doesn't think we're safer, like the President says we are, oughta' be shot.

* You've got my respect, RODNEY DANGERFIELD (R.I.P.)

* President George WMD Bush

* My Holy Book is the Constitution

* I guess my "flu shot" will have to be tequila

* Say it write: NUKE-U-LER

* The 2 "actual" parties: Wafflecrats & Flip-Flopicans

* President Bush privately chides Saddam for not having Weapons of Mass Destruction

* That Mount St. Helens deal is way overblown

* Let me make 1 thing perfectly clear: it IS patriotic to support our Troops
   while NOT supporting the War that risks their lives


* "Take this War and shove it, I ain't fightin' here no more..."

* Visualize unlimited oil

* Perfect solution: loser in November becomes President of Iraq

* Not a good sign: males must now register for Selective Service at birth

* Virtual vacations will soon replace oil-dependent travel

* We don't need hybrid vehicles. We need a fossil fuel accelerator.

* Eye for an Eye. Tooth for a Tooth. Head for a Head.

* President Bush expresses desire to remodel the Pentagon into a Cross.

* New breed of nukes emits less alarming "gentle rainbow" cloud

* PEACE is for wimps

* John Edwards sues Bush Administration for malpractice

* What's the big deal about the environment, anyway? We own the sucker!

* IRAQuagmire

* "Bushdoggle" - you already know what this means.

* Vegas taking bets on which country we'll invade next

* What if GOD is on EVERYBODY'S side?

* I'm voting for the Idiot

* New political poll is based on karmic vibrations, + or - 5 vibes

* Bush trumpets plan to thwart terrorists from other planets

* Americans asked not to fret over Homeland Security recommendation
   to wear body armor when outdoors


* Wouldn't it be cheaper and save more lives to "liberate" the oil
   from underneath the Middle East and divert it directly to U.S. refineries?


* Air pollution is no big deal if you only take shallow breaths

* George W. Bush: The Evangillogical President

* The #1 question asked by People for the Ethical Treatment of Oxymorons:
   how can you be both Pro-Life AND Pro-War?


* John Kerry vows to know exactly where he stands by 11/2/04

* The great thing about the War in Iraq: tons of room for improvement.

* What, no more Twinkies?! Damned "low-carbers!"

* Hey, Mr. President: You've certainly left ME behind.

* Dick Cheney: a wolf in shark's clothing

* Don't be an Atomic Girlie Man: a little nuclear fallout won't kill you (at least not right away)

* Thanks, Mr. President: with my tax cut, I purchased a new toaster. Yipee.

* Iraq is NOT about the oil. And, hurricanes aren't about the weather.

* Here's a copy of my health insurance policy: "Hope my family stays well."

* Just say "No" to embryonic stem cell research, and "Yes" to Parkinson's & Alzheimer's.

* I am safer, freer, and happier with my arsenal of assault weapons

* Iraq: The Democratic Jewel of the Middle East

* Kinda' for Kerry

* "Democracy Supporting Democracy" Program:
   Bush encourages Americans to vacation and invest in Iraq


* Sure glad we didn't waste 200 billion dollars on peace, love, and understanding

* Too bad North Korea doesn't have vast oil reserves. Then, we could liberate it, too.

* How Bush's tax cuts benefit all Americans:
   lavish corporate celebrations create tons of cans & bottles for poor folks to redeem,
   thus revitalizing the economy


* Diet Miracle! New generation of appliances runs off of stored body fat

* The seeds of Democracy have been firmly planted in Iraq.
   Ever try growing something in a sand dune?


* Since we've aleady "won" the War in Iraq, I guess the rest is icing.

* Facilitating victory? Bush toys with the idea of making Iraq our 51st state

* Bypassitol® eliminates need for risky heart surgery

* Iraq: Might makes Wrong

* It's not DEMOCRACY I'm opposed to.
   It's ramming it down someone's throat that irks me.


* Department of Homeland Security installs Internet Kill Switch

* Let's do the "War-in-Iraq" spellout:
   Gimme an "O"
   Gimme an "I"
   Gimme an "L"
   What's that spell?


*I hate to bring it up, but when is some demented idiot gonna invent nuclear bullets?

* It's gotten so politically ridiculous: what about a dual presidency?

* "Retirement" - archaic term for what workers looked forward to in olden days.

* Only dopes don't vote. Or, they vote Republican.

* eGay® finds online auction niche

* Bush relents: would allow same-sex divorce

* Global warming is just an excuse for environmentalists to save the Earth.

* Political hot air blamed for recent spate of hurricanes

* NFL's New England franchise changes nickname to "Patriot Acts"

* My GAS HOG supports the War in Iraq

* How to get even with an immigrant: move to his country.

* Who needs Social Security when you've got homeless shelters & food banks?

* The damage done, Bush calls for "Swift" end to attack ads

* Knowing what you know NOW, you'd STILL vote for the War?! John Kerry, you MUST waffle NOW!

* Dick Cheney having a gay daughter is nothing short of supreme poetic justice

* The guys who are gutting Social Security don't need it.

* Men's U.S. Olympic Basketball
TeIam


* Ever the alliance builder, President Bush convinces Bali to commit 3 troops to Iraq

* Kerry promises to form Dep't. of Global Cooling

* A perplexed President Bush is blindsided by the newly
   discovered potential for stem cell research to create a limitless supply of oil


* I liked it much better when Bush just terrorized 1 state

* Ironically, John Kerry has an insatiable appetite for waffles

* New touch screen voting machine emits laugh as voter exits booth

* Celebrity Boxing Match of the decade: Teresa Heinz Kerry vs. Dick Cheney

* Put a windsurfer in the White House

* "Floridate" - to fix an election; i.e. John Kerry vows not to be Floridated in 2004.

* Al-Qaedian Olympic team draws intense scrutiny

* The new terrorist threat: electronic voting machines

* "Fiscalunatic" - one who robs the poor, giving to the rich through tax cuts

* If things don't change, we'll be known as "The Isle of USA"

* Debt Free! On Cheney's advice, President cancels the deficit.

* I shudder to think what "job" George Bush needs 4 more years to finish

* "Fearorism" - the use of Fear & Terrorism to gain political advantage

* Just discovered 1886 terror info causes sharp rise in alert level

* Which obscenely rich elitists will you be voting for this November?

* Bush-Cheney, Kerry-Edwards will square off on NBC's "Presidential Fear Factor"

* "Obfoxious" - obnoxiously biased news coverage

* Ah, who needs the stupid ol' environment anyway?

* The only thing we have to fear is George W. Bush himself

* "Gliberal" - a smooth-talking liberal

* DEET-filled showerheads keep West Nile virus at bay

* What if the war billions were spent on battling cancer instead? What if?

* Terror Alert levels up = Bush poll numbers up

* Frantic construction begins on retractable terror-proof domes to cover NYC & D.C.

* Both candidates plead with Michael Jackson NOT to endorse them

* If reelected, President promises to "free" 1 new country a year

* Super Mega Omni Wal*Mart is a complete city in a box

* Martha Stewart defiantly boasts no prison can hold her

* "9/11, Al Qaeda, Iraq..." Repeat it until you believe it.

* Mr. President, you're a holy terror!

* Bush Music: I'm reminded of the Beatles' "The Fool on the Hill."

* Edwards lacks experience: he has yet to invade a country for no reason

* Terrorists for Bush-Cheney 2004

* "KEnron" Lay: don't blame him, he only owned the Company.

* The President experiences Enronesia: "Kenneth who?" he asks.

* Proposal would drop the "I" from C.I.A.

* More hair = better candidates

* I'm voting "LackLusterCratic"

* Kerry-Edwards quickly go after Low-Carb vote

* Saddam hires O.J.'s legal team

* Bush could win Oscar for portrayal of the President in "Fahrenheit 9/11"

* Clinton's definition of "is" is "Because I could!"

* After a handover, can you call "handbacks?"

* Wal*Marts coming to Iraq by year's end

* Bush pushes "No Iraqi Left Behind" mandate

* WARNING: eating too much fish may turn you into a thermometer

* Why not evacuate Iraq and just let the good people back in?

* Bill Clinton plans "My Life" volumes 2-10

* I'm gettin' me one a' them private spaceship-buildin' kits!

* A link!! Saddam allegedly had newspaper that mentioned Al-Qaeda

* "EXTREME NATION MAKEOVER" series begins in Iraq, then Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan...

* 911 Commission finds that War on Iraq was a total amBUSH

* The #1 cause of all wars: testosterone

* Bush Admin begins filming "Big Fat Jerk," a documentary about Michael Moore

* Whatever happened to "Compassionate Conservatism?"

* Is it just me, or do I smell World War III ?

* Riding Bill's coattails, Monica comes out with her own "My Life" book. They will tour together.

* More befriending, NO beheading

* I don't give a "Kobe" about the Lakers

* If women were the leaders, there wouldn't be any war

* NO link between Iraq & Al-Qaeda?! Well, there SHOULD have been!!!

* You can lead a horse to Democracy, but you can't make him drink

* What, no portrait of Monica Lewinsky at the White House?

* Saddam's lead widening in Iraqi election polls

* George Bush: "The Great Miscommunicator"

* Conciliatory gesture: Bush wants Iraqi at helm of CIA

* "Shock and Awe" has turned to "Doom and Gloom"

* President George W. Quixote

* Ameriraqa: coming June 30th

* Iraqis must begin saying Pledge of Allegiance by July 15th

* Just in time for court: Michael Jackson undergoes successful nose transplant

* 3 things Bush needs to avoid: bikes, pretzels, Iraq

* The President is our COMMANDER IN misCHIEF

* It's gas-siphoning season!

* Dear Mr. President: I'm John Q. Public and I don't approve of your message

* Global Warming Fix: everyone places 10 ice cubes outside everyday

* For safety's sake, new Iraqi gov't will be housed in D.C.

* Care to wager? Which will run out first: oil or water?

* Goodwill Gesture: U.S. nominates Iraq to host Summer Olympics in 2012

* "SkyVent" Project would funnel pollution, gases into Universe

* Renaming Abu Ghraib "Camp Redemption" is like calling the War in Iraq a "Regional Adjustment"

* John Kerry: you better start kicking some donkey!

* Gas prices turn coasting into a roadway art form

* Ever wonder how many light bulbs it takes to screw in a light bulb?

* Peace talks = suicide bombers

* "Credit Card Lard" refers to an overly high balance

* At the White House and Pentagon, the buck stops nowhere

* The Religious Right is fundamentally wrong

* Oil and Water = Iraq and Democracy

* In Iraq, a picture can be worth a thousand deaths

* Is it just me, or is the War on Terrorism fueling terrorism?

* Embarrassing as it may be, aren't we fighting the wrong country?

* I miss the Cold War

* War on Terrorism motto: "We'd kill for World Peace!"

* Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld: alienating the world 1 nation at a time

* Al Qaeda University has a waiting list a mile long

* Bush wants American pro sports fanchises in Iraq, pronto!

* If Democracy falls in the middle of a desert, will anyone know it?

* "Fallujahcide" - still claiming victory, you put the enemy in charge

* Iraqi prisoner photos are Bush's "Lewinsky"

* Can Kerry "ketchup" to Bush?

* "Take an Iraqi to Lunch" campaign aims to ease photo tensions

* Couldn't they clone water & oil?

* Embattled Rumsfeld blames cameras, not photographers, for vile photos

* Visualize Michael Jackson moonwalking into prison

* Pretty soon you'll only be able to smoke while hang gliding

* It's going so well in Iraq, let's "liberate" the whole dang region

* Maybe WE'RE the Weapons of Mass Destruction

* Couldn't we outsource the War in Iraq?

* Top o' the Global Warmin' Mornin' to ya

* The Patriot Act doesn't bother me. We've got too many freedoms anyway.

* "Bachelor Polygamist" enters reality TV arena

* I'm for more taxes: I've always wanted to be homeless

* Saudi Arabia is a rogue state, but they're friends of the Bushes and have oil, so it's a wash

* We love cheap Canadian drugs. Do they ship gas?

* I hereby quit caring about any celebrity's riches or relationships

* For most, Capitalism is really "COPEitalism"

* Cheney convinces Bush to be VP on November ticket

* Do you think the "Random Acts of Kindness" thing'd work in the Middle East?

* NRA enjoying unprecedented popularity in Middle East

* I predict gas will be 99.9 just before election time

* Dick Cheney is the ventriloquist. Guess who the dummy is?

* Draft beer, not kids.

* UniPill treats all symptoms known to man. Yes, even THAT one.

* Gamble Diet« - replace 2 meals a day with poker

* New Patriot Act would place "TerrorCams" in every home

* I predict Iraq will be turned over to Halliburton on June 30th

* Dick Cheney: truly putting the "vice" in Vice President

* How 'bout we eat whatever we want: "Don't worry, be fatty."

* Unfortunately, "draft dodger" is poised to reenter the American vernacular

* "Deathocracy" - the Iraqi form of Democracy

* How do you spell Bush? N-I-X-O-N

* SUV = Suddenly Undesirable Vehicle

* The new "one-armed bandit" is the gas pump

* SUPERSIZE = SUPERTHIGHS

* Dick Cheney is "The Richard of Oz"

* They aren't credit cards. They're "credebt" cards.

* President urges Americans to drill for oil in each and every backyard

* Need a job? Move to India.

* Donald Trump: "You're TIRED!"

* Deficit + gas prices + no jobs + S.S. woes = the "Deconomy"

* President Bush is an idiot savant minus the "savant" part

* It was so weird. I actually read a book.

* Waiter, I'd like some Condoleezza rice with my half-baked truth

* No problem: Social Security benefits will just begin at 85

* Has anyone seen The Middle Class lately?

* Compassionate Prisonism: what if Kobe and Martha could share a cell?

* If hockey were played on red ice, the injuries wouldn't be so disturbing

* "Kneering Wheel" safely frees up 2 hands while driving

* "Greenspanish" - the language Alan Greenspan speaks

* Bush credited with spike in antidepressant use

* "Cellulosis" - fear of death unless talking on a cell phone

* Martha Stewart Living In Prison Magazine

* Hackers boast they could easily make Nader President

* Oh please God, not another PowerPoint presentation

* I get buff with BarryBondsterone«

* We demand huge tax breaks for watching and attending sports events

* Virulent strain of coodies hits nation's schools

* Mel Gibson for Pope

* Who needs Social Security when we have the lottery?

* Ralph Nader is a Republican in Independent clothing

* White House scientists argue that Global Warming is actually beneficial

* President will become NASCAR driver if voted out of office

* The New York "Bankees"

* Come test drive the brand new Cadillac Bling Bling

* Nation's Homeless must be giddy with delight over A-Rod & the Yanks

* Yanks get A-Rod. What's next, a steroid exemption?

* "Janet Jacksoned" is hip lingo for "exposed"

* Video Game Magnet School draws huge enrollment

* AWOL and WMD kinda' go together, don't they?

* When I'm feeling too happy, I just slap on some Marilyn Manson

* Bush is a WMD: Weapon of Mass Deficit

* Revamped Patriot Act allows President to stay in office indefinitely

* Bush signs decree making Moon & Mars National Parks

* Janet Jackson loses Milk industry endorsement

* "Certified Inorganic" food labeling fools no one

* Will somebody please "SUPERSIZE" my paycheck?

* Credit Card pays itself off by liquidating your asserts

* Synthetic beef's the answer

* Luckily, Justin Timberlake's wardrobe didn't "malfunction"

* Saddam admits Weapons of Mass Destruction are hidden on Moon
   (idea compliments of Cheryl & Bill Blume)


* Bush proposes bringing planets closer to Earth for easier exploration

* Iraqi poll suggests Saddam would be elected President in absentia

* I scream, you scream, we all scream for Howard Dean

* Laser-flosser saves time, teeth, fingers

* President wants to be aboard lst manned Mars mission. Good!

* Travel freeze keeps Americans in, everyone else out

* When will Iraq come to understand we know what's best for them?

* Problem: the War in Iraq gets uglier. Solution: let's focus on outer space.

* President wants you to read his lips: "No new taxes, just new deficits"

* Michael Jackson: the "ENRON of Entertainers"

* Bush has steely resolve to land space station on Sun

* This vehicle carries no marijuana & driver is highly allergic to dogs

* Mad Cow detector pen a must for diners

* Tough airline security measure forces passengers to lay on conveyor belt with baggage

* Newest airline check-in question: "Are you, or have you ever been, a terrorist?"

* Endzonal« treats post-playoff depression

* Honda "VitaMobile" sprays antioxidant mist on passengers

* Isn't it reassuring to hear nuclear waste is passing through your town?

* We need global warming to offset our astronomical natural gas bills

* CellGun merges phone and firearm

* The world is becoming too "technillogical"

* Vermont becomes first state to outlaw cell phones

* Mars Parcels, Inc. sells Martian acreage

* How about Pete Rose goes into the Baseball Gambling Hall of Fame?

* How Now Mad Cow

* Beef eaters must sign mad cow liability waiver

* Hidden Agenda: Mars Rovers keep eye out for Osama

* Case closed: Saddam is officially declared the elusive weapon of mass destruction

Grant "Brad" Gerver - Featuring political left-wing humor including bumper stickers, terse verses, music and more.
"Where creativity and originality meet punctuality and good grammar."

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