* The Cubs and Red Sox Jinx officially joins Death and Taxes
* Bush can't quit saying, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
* Americans asked to sell candy to raise money for rebuilding Iraq
* "Whyamese" Twins: adult brothers want to be surgically conjoined
* Recall Schwarzenegger
* Governor Schwarzenegger joins GropeAholics Anonymous
* The Harrassinator: "Hey, you have a nice vista, baby!"
* Who removed all those weapons of mass destruction to make us look bad?
* The Jigsaw Puzzle Channel: "Love it to Pieces"
* Rush & Arnold fry under atomic media microscope. Oh, goody!
* Brainstormerol« cures writer's block, raises SAT scores
* When are they comin' out with the "Do Not Tax List?"
* I hope candy corn is found to have natural curative powers
* Iraq Nam?
* Have you read "The Complete Idiot's Guide for Dummies?"
* I'm on the "Do Not Answer List"
* Oh no, I smoke AND I love ice cream!
* Shouldn't Iraq be a smooth-running democracy by now?
* So, will Wheel of Fortune be spending a week in Baghdad?
* Deficit Happens
* "Bicolar" - equal enjoyment of both major colas
* NBA Public Service Announcement: "Don't be a Kobe"
* Welcome to my WORryLD
* Remember the days when driving was the main thing you did in a car?
* Storm Relocation Bureau Moves Weather Systems Over Drought-Stricken Areas
* It's official: pets may marry: "Who gives this collie's paw in holy matrimony?"
* If J.K. Rowley and Steven King ever got together you'd have a million-page novel
* Music Industry Compromise: only Barry Manilow files may be traded freely
* Search for Weapons of Mass Destruction yields huge cache of firecrackers, cherry bombs
* Saddam is one Whacky Iraqi
* Fast Food Law Limits Customers' Caloric Intake Per Visit
* School Districts Begin Building Casinos to Cure Funding Woes
* From movies to cars, cell phone vigilantes seize offending cells and hammer them into smithereens
* Bush extends broomstick handle rather than olive branch to detractors
* Droughts are for idiots. I'm waterin'.
* Welcome to Aridzona
* William Bennett opens The Book of Virtues School of Gaming
* "Bellagio Bill" Bennett, Morality Czar
* Presidential gaffe: "We'll find weapons of mass destruction
if I have'ta bury
'em and dig 'em up myself!"
* Ross Perot will be given shot as Iraqi President
* We came, we saw, we Iraqonquered
* HUMMER "DUMMER" boasts 4 engines: 1 for each wheel
* Better change that to "Weapons of Mass DECEPTION."
* Sensing Profit Potential, Home Depot and Lowe's Open Stores in Iraq
* Saddam Statue Parts Show Up on eBay
* Syria: You're Next.
* Giant Airlift of Hot dogs & Apple Pie Begins Flowing to Iraqi Citizens
* People are no longer getting married. They're getting "embedded."
* Hey Mr. President, isn't bombing the economy enough for ya?
* ABRACADABRA: we will bomb the Middle East into peaceful democracies with loving leaders
* Bush War Cry: "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
* "Funniest Life-Threatening-Injury Home Videos" debuts tonight
* "UNDER the KNIFE" allows viewers to choose surgeon's cuts
* What good are bombs if ya don't use 'em? They'll go bad.
* I will give up my duct tape when they pry my cold dead fingers from around it
* WAR and ANNIHILATION Please
* The Fatkins Diet: eat whatever the heck you want in generous portions
* President diagnosed with "John Wayne Syndrome." Calls many folks "Pilgrim."
* THE ROLLING STEINS: Yiddish Rock Group Covers Stones' Material
* Food Network sued over viewer weight gains
* When will our enemies realize they're wrong and we're right?
* The President takes a page from Nike: "Just Bomb it."
* Bush: "North Korea, wouldn't wanna be ya."