* Cloners' mantra: "Good to see you again"
* I'm cloned, therefore I was
* Human clones call for special names: Clonelle,
* Trent Lott resigns KKK post to further prove he's not a racist
* Right Wing Logic: if we give up our Freedom, terrorists can't exploit it.
* Saddam invited to Super Bowl
* Iraqi weapons inspectors find Jimmy Hoffa
* Make it easy on yourself, George: wipe out Iraq, THEN inspect.
* I put Breathe Right Strips on my dog's nose
* Fast Food Employees Now Required to Refuse Service to Overweight Customers
* EcoNuclear bomb disperses wildflower seeds along with cataclysmic blast
* Black holes hold obvious promise for all of man's many wastes
* Scientists work feverishly to isolate terrorist gene
* Take the cost of War & convert it to $1 bills. Drop it all over the Middle East.
* Jack In The Lox~"Kosher Fast Food"
* School district budget woes force elimination of 6th grade
* N.A.R.E.--National Association of Retired Embezzlers
* 7 states replace money with gaming chips
* "Trump $100" & "Gates $1000" coins enter monetary circulation
* Webster's officially reclassifies "politician" as an expletive
* HELP WANTED: Major Corporation Seeks Experienced Books-Cooker
* Billionaires for Tax Reform
* Nobody can have nuclear weapons except US
* IT'S THE LAW: ALL Americans must take National Achievement Test. Results will be published.
* The Market better shape up or I'm takin' my $94.11 out
* Time to dust off all your Hippie Anti-War gear
* I'm investing my money under my mattress
* The Stock Market has just eaten my house
* Dow, as in Down
* America: "Conquering the World 1 evil-doing country at a time"
* I miss Dan Quayle
* My country can beat up your country
* Baseball players spit enough to put out forest fires
* Bush warns: "If your country's name begins with the letter I, you better beware"
* "Croptologist"-Scientist specializing in studying crops from the rear end of a field
* What would happen if you just forwarded your bills to rich folks?
* For Lent I will give up being a Republican
* Some are taking up smoking in order to sue Philip Morris
* Step on Iraq, break your mother's back
* I just refinance my mortgage every month
* Sit back, relax, and enjoy a nice nervous breakdown
* Why aren't there any "Enlarge Your BRAIN" spam ads?
* Saddam insists inspectors be blindfolded and carry no instruments
* Saddam just might also be Osama
* Glen Canyon Damn
* First-Ever "Meow Park" Opens, Then Suddenly Closes -- (Thanks to wife, Nancy for this one.)
* Trying to be hip, the U of Nebraska changes nickname to
* EarthTattoo ® ~ "Custom CROP CIRCLES built to your exacting specifications"
* Earnings + Expenses + Losses + Any Other Number ¸ 1 = PROFIT
* Tests confirm the presence of steroids in Popeye's spinach
* It's odd, but watching DVD's makes me miss rewinding tapes.
* Don't freeze Ted Williams' brain. Freeze his BAT, for God's sake!
* Aren't you at least marginally concerned that if there's a baseball strike, the players might be bored?
* Millionaire Fossett will now try to float solo around the Universe
* Martha Stewart vows to donate .001% of all future illegally-gotten gains to charity
* New "Speed" analogy: "faster than a priest after an altar boy."
* From the ashes: Arthur Enrondersen, Inc-Accounting & Energy Consultants
* Vatican finally agrees to adopt Pro Sports model for priestly indiscretions:
"7 strikes and you're out."
* Mr. President: Just don't start calling it "THE MOTHERLAND."
* Life after boxing: Mike Tyson pursues career in professional terrorism
* New breed of terrorist wreaks havoc with
long fingernails and portable chalkboard
* I accept suspicious packages from strangers at airports
* Dr. Phil appointed Director of Homeland Insecurity
* J. Edgar Hoover stamp set features former FBI Director in 4 different dresses
* Texas Scientologists pick EnRon Hubbard to lead Church
* WE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND SAFE NUCLEAR WEAPONS!
* Say it ain't so: King of Pop, Michael Jackson, enters the seminary
* FBI & CIA merge to form CTD (Connecting The Dots)
* FBI will imbed surveillance chips in all Americans. Got a problem with that?
* WORLD CUP SOCCER: "The sleeping pill of sports."
* The biggest difference between the U.S. and ALL other countries:
THEY actually CARE about World Cup Soccer
* How many priests does it take to change a light bulb? Oops, better not go there.
* Nuclear War Silver Lining:
1. We won't need Nevada to store nuclear waste
2. Population control
* WARNING! This is a nude beach. DO NOT FEED the BARES.
* "Life's a bitch, but it's a great bitch."-Art Vandelay
* Cowboy chic: toilet with stirrups and a saddle horn
* Priests take part in clinical trial for experimental anti-molestant drug: Nomolesterol
* Stamp Out Drought
* Conserve water: brew your coffee with 7-UP
* Bill Clinton booked to rally Nation's priests
* MORE HIPPIES, fewer guns
* If ever a region of the world needed to legailze pot, IT'S THE MIDDLE EAST!
* Crop dusters begin spraying Prozac over Israel, West Bank, & Gaza
* It occurs to me that the man behind the Nobel Peace Prize invented dynamite
* I'm suing my company for providing the computer that got me fired
* Perfect makes practice
* Weather Service establishes "Toupee & Wig Wind Warning"
* "OPEConstipation"- a change in regular driving habits due to rising gas prices
* "Compassionate Discrimination" enters political arena
* Freud Loves You
* Have a nice Daewoo
* True moderation is using deodorant under 1 arm
* Screw Celibacy
* Why is it that no Palestinian leaders ever strap bombs to THEIR bodies? HEL-LOOOOOOOOOO?!!!
* Piggybacking on "Osbournes" success, MTV will try another reality show: "The Arafats"
* What's the big deal about water? Can't we just clone it and make more?
* Dream Celebrity Boxing Match: Yasser Arafat vs. Ariel Sharon
* Mideast "cease-fire" = Drop the guns and bring on the explosives
* Berlin Wall Builders, Inc. hired to wall off Israel and new Palestinian State
* Surgical "holding tank" procedure allows workers to drink more coffee,
take fewer breaks
* "Enronic" - of or pertaining to ironic, shocking financial deceit
* Peace in the Middle East will coincide with the End of Death and Taxes
* Olympic ice skating judge had ties to Don King
* "I am sorry a billion times."--Kenneth Lay
* Beware of guys named "Boone Doggle"
* GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME................................SECURITY
* Every U.S. home will be searched as part of Census
* Lie detectors will be strapped into each airline seat armrest
* New airline security code means officials must pick up every passenger at their home
* War focus shifts to ENRONISTAN
* Which came first: the Pit Bull or Mike Tyson?
* THE LIBRARY CHANNEL: Checkout Desk Cams and Gorgeous "Librarianettes"
* Satellite debris: yet another reason to always wear a helmet
* It's Official: Bin Laden spotted wandering aimlessly in Hell
* I juth love my new tongue thtud
* You don't suppose anthrax can be spread by email, do you?
* Cell phone plan offers 1 million free minutes-a-month
* New crayon color: "Taliban Red"
* HAPPY NEW FEAR!
* Simple SUV recall will place "DO NOT ROLL VEHICLE" stickers
on all models
* Enron sells stock on eBay
* GREAT AMERICAN CURSE-OUT marred when keynote speaker
gets mustache caught in mic
* Good news for the Sleep-Deprived: Insomniacs never die in their sleep
* While searching for Osama, Geraldo Rivera claims to have bagged Bigfoot
* America's hottest new business franchise: TerrorROOTERtm
* The 2 luckiest people in America:
President Bush & Gary Condit
(courtesy of my brother, Jim'l Alley)
* In a show of goodwill, U.S. air-drops Powerball tickets over Afghanistan
* CIA works on covert plan to BORE terrorists to death
* White House stocks up on John Wayne & Clint Eastwood videos
* Use terrorists for product testing