Shot Off The Press
2002

* Cloners' mantra: "Good to see you again"

* I'm cloned, therefore I was

* Human clones call for special names: Clonelle, Clo-Ned

* Trent Lott resigns KKK post to further prove he's not a racist

* Right Wing Logic: if we give up our Freedom, terrorists can't exploit it.

* WARAQ

* Saddam invited to Super Bowl

* Iraqi weapons inspectors find Jimmy Hoffa

* Make it easy on yourself, George: wipe out Iraq, THEN inspect.

* I put Breathe Right Strips on my dog's nose

* Fast Food Employees Now Required to Refuse Service to Overweight Customers

November, 2002:
* EcoNuclear bomb disperses wildflower seeds along with cataclysmic blast

* Black holes hold obvious promise for all of man's many wastes

* Scientists work feverishly to isolate terrorist gene

* Take the cost of War & convert it to $1 bills. Drop it all over the Middle East.

* Jack In The Lox~"Kosher Fast Food"

* School district budget woes force elimination of 6th grade

* N.A.R.E.--National Association of Retired Embezzlers

* 7 states replace money with gaming chips

* "Trump $100" & "Gates $1000" coins enter monetary circulation

* Webster's officially reclassifies "politician" as an expletive

* HELP WANTED: Major Corporation Seeks Experienced Books-Cooker

* Billionaires for Tax Reform

October, 2002:
* Nobody can have nuclear weapons except US

* IT'S THE LAW: ALL Americans must take National Achievement Test. Results will be published.

* The Market better shape up or I'm takin' my $94.11 out

* Time to dust off all your Hippie Anti-War gear

* I'm investing my money under my mattress

* The Stock Market has just eaten my house

* Dow, as in Down

* America: "Conquering the World 1 evil-doing country at a time"

* I miss Dan Quayle

* My country can beat up your country

* Baseball players spit enough to put out forest fires

* Bush warns: "If your country's name begins with the letter I, you better beware"

* "Croptologist"-Scientist specializing in studying crops from the rear end of a field

* What would happen if you just forwarded your bills to rich folks?

* For Lent I will give up being a Republican

* Some are taking up smoking in order to sue Philip Morris

* Step on Iraq, break your mother's back

* I just refinance my mortgage every month

* Sit back, relax, and enjoy a nice nervous breakdown

September, 2002:
* Why aren't there any "Enlarge Your BRAIN" spam ads?

* Saddam insists inspectors be blindfolded and carry no instruments

* Saddam just might also be Osama

* Glen Canyon Damn

* First-Ever "Meow Park" Opens, Then Suddenly Closes -- (Thanks to wife, Nancy for this one.)

July-August, 2002:
* Trying to be hip, the U of Nebraska changes nickname to "Multitaskers"

* EarthTattoo ® ~ "Custom CROP CIRCLES built to your exacting specifications"

* Earnings + Expenses + Losses + Any Other Number ¸ 1 = PROFIT

* Tests confirm the presence of steroids in Popeye's spinach

* It's odd, but watching DVD's makes me miss rewinding tapes.

* Don't freeze Ted Williams' brain. Freeze his BAT, for God's sake!

* Aren't you at least marginally concerned that if there's a baseball strike, the players might be bored?

* Millionaire Fossett will now try to float solo around the Universe

May-June, 2002:
* WorldCon

* Martha Stewart vows to donate .001% of all future illegally-gotten gains to charity

* New "Speed" analogy: "faster than a priest after an altar boy."

* From the ashes: Arthur Enrondersen, Inc-Accounting & Energy Consultants

* Vatican finally agrees to adopt Pro Sports model for priestly indiscretions:
   "7 strikes and you're out."

* Mr. President: Just don't start calling it "THE MOTHERLAND."

* Life after boxing: Mike Tyson pursues career in professional terrorism

* New breed of terrorist wreaks havoc with long fingernails and portable chalkboard

* I accept suspicious packages from strangers at airports

* Dr. Phil appointed Director of Homeland Insecurity

* J. Edgar Hoover stamp set features former FBI Director in 4 different dresses

* Texas Scientologists pick EnRon Hubbard to lead Church

* WE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND SAFE NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

* Say it ain't so: King of Pop, Michael Jackson, enters the seminary

* FBI & CIA merge to form CTD (Connecting The Dots)

* FBI will imbed surveillance chips in all Americans. Got a problem with that?

* WORLD CUP SOCCER: "The sleeping pill of sports."

* The biggest difference between the U.S. and ALL other countries:
   THEY actually CARE about World Cup Soccer

* How many priests does it take to change a light bulb? Oops, better not go there.

* Nuclear War Silver Lining:
   1. We won't need Nevada to store nuclear waste
   2. Population control

* WARNING! This is a nude beach. DO NOT FEED the BARES.

* "Life's a bitch, but it's a great bitch."-Art Vandelay

5/13/2002:
* Cowboy chic: toilet with stirrups and a saddle horn

* Priests take part in clinical trial for experimental anti-molestant drug: Nomolesterol

* Stamp Out Drought

5/3/2002:
* Conserve water: brew your coffee with 7-UP

* Bill Clinton booked to rally Nation's priests

* MORE HIPPIES, fewer guns

* If ever a region of the world needed to legailze pot, IT'S THE MIDDLE EAST!

* Crop dusters begin spraying Prozac over Israel, West Bank, & Gaza

* It occurs to me that the man behind the Nobel Peace Prize invented dynamite

* I'm suing my company for providing the computer that got me fired

* Perfect makes practice

* Weather Service establishes "Toupee & Wig Wind Warning"

* "OPEConstipation"- a change in regular driving habits due to rising gas prices

* "Compassionate Discrimination" enters political arena

* Freud Loves You

* Have a nice Daewoo

* True moderation is using deodorant under 1 arm

4/21/2002:
* Screw Celibacy

* Why is it that no Palestinian leaders ever strap bombs to THEIR bodies? HEL-LOOOOOOOOOO?!!!

* Piggybacking on "Osbournes" success, MTV will try another reality show: "The Arafats"


4/7/2002:
* PALISRAELESTINE

* What's the big deal about water? Can't we just clone it and make more?

3/31/2002:
* Dream Celebrity Boxing Match: Yasser Arafat vs. Ariel Sharon

3/16/2002:
* Mideast "cease-fire" = Drop the guns and bring on the explosives

* Berlin Wall Builders, Inc. hired to wall off Israel and new Palestinian State

* Surgical "holding tank" procedure allows workers to drink more coffee,
   take fewer breaks

* "Enronic" - of or pertaining to ironic, shocking financial deceit

* Peace in the Middle East will coincide with the End of Death and Taxes

2/16/2002:
* Olympic ice skating judge had ties to Don King

* "I am sorry a billion times."--Kenneth Lay

* Beware of guys named "Boone Doggle"

* GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME................................SECURITY

* Every U.S. home will be searched as part of Census

* Lie detectors will be strapped into each airline seat armrest

* New airline security code means officials must pick up every passenger at their home

2/2/2002:
* War focus shifts to ENRONISTAN

* Which came first: the Pit Bull or Mike Tyson?

* THE LIBRARY CHANNEL: Checkout Desk Cams and Gorgeous "Librarianettes"

* Satellite debris: yet another reason to always wear a helmet

* It's Official: Bin Laden spotted wandering aimlessly in Hell

* I juth love my new tongue thtud

* You don't suppose anthrax can be spread by email, do you?

* Cell phone plan offers 1 million free minutes-a-month

* New crayon color: "Taliban Red"

* HAPPY NEW FEAR!

* Simple SUV recall will place "DO NOT ROLL VEHICLE" stickers
   on all models

* Enron sells stock on eBay

* GREAT AMERICAN CURSE-OUT marred when keynote speaker
   gets mustache caught in mic

* Good news for the Sleep-Deprived: Insomniacs never die in their sleep

* While searching for Osama, Geraldo Rivera claims to have bagged Bigfoot

* America's hottest new business franchise: TerrorROOTERtm

* The 2 luckiest people in America: President Bush & Gary Condit
   (courtesy of my brother, Jim'l Alley)

* In a show of goodwill, U.S. air-drops Powerball tickets over Afghanistan

* CIA works on covert plan to BORE terrorists to death

* White House stocks up on John Wayne & Clint Eastwood videos

* Use terrorists for product testing

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