* The Cubs and Red Sox Jinx officially joins Death and Taxes

* Bush can't quit saying, "Hasta la vista, baby!"

* Americans asked to sell candy to raise money for rebuilding Iraq

* "Whyamese" Twins: adult brothers want to be surgically conjoined

* Recall Schwarzenegger

* Governor Schwarzenegger joins GropeAholics Anonymous

* The Harrassinator: "Hey, you have a nice vista, baby!"

* Who removed all those weapons of mass destruction to make us look bad?

* The Jigsaw Puzzle Channel: "Love it to Pieces"

* Rush & Arnold fry under atomic media microscope. Oh, goody!

* Brainstormerol® cures writer's block, raises SAT scores

* When are they comin' out with the "Do Not Tax List?"

* I hope candy corn is found to have natural curative powers

* Iraq Nam?

* Have you read "The Complete Idiot's Guide for Dummies?"

* I'm on the "Do Not Answer List"

* Oh no, I smoke AND I love ice cream!

* Shouldn't Iraq be a smooth-running democracy by now?

* So, will Wheel of Fortune be spending a week in Baghdad?

* Deficit Happens

* "Bicolar" - equal enjoyment of both major colas

* NBA Public Service Announcement: "Don't be a Kobe"

* Welcome to my WORryLD

* Remember the days when driving was the main thing you did in a car?

* Storm Relocation Bureau Moves Weather Systems Over Drought-Stricken Areas

* It's official: pets may marry: "Who gives this collie's paw in holy matrimony?"

* If J.K. Rowley and Steven King ever got together you'd have a million-page novel

* Music Industry Compromise: only Barry Manilow files may be traded freely

* Search for Weapons of Mass Destruction yields huge cache of firecrackers, cherry bombs

* Saddam is one Whacky Iraqi

* Fast Food Law Limits Customers' Caloric Intake Per Visit

* School Districts Begin Building Casinos to Cure Funding Woes

* From movies to cars, cell phone vigilantes seize offending cells and hammer them into smithereens

* Bush extends broomstick handle rather than olive branch to detractors

* Droughts are for idiots. I'm waterin'.

* Welcome to Aridzona

* William Bennett opens The Book of Virtues School of Gaming

* "Bellagio Bill" Bennett, Morality Czar

* Presidential gaffe: "We'll find weapons of mass destruction
   if I have'ta bury 'em and dig 'em up myself!"

* Ross Perot will be given shot as Iraqi President

* We came, we saw, we Iraqonquered

* HUMMER "DUMMER" boasts 4 engines: 1 for each wheel

* Better change that to "Weapons of Mass DECEPTION."

* Sensing Profit Potential, Home Depot and Lowe's Open Stores in Iraq

* Saddam Statue Parts Show Up on eBay

* Syria: You're Next.

* Giant Airlift of Hot dogs & Apple Pie Begins Flowing to Iraqi Citizens

* People are no longer getting married. They're getting "embedded."

* Hey Mr. President, isn't bombing the economy enough for ya?

* ABRACADABRA: we will bomb the Middle East into peaceful democracies with loving leaders

* Bush War Cry: "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"

* "Funniest Life-Threatening-Injury Home Videos" debuts tonight

* "UNDER the KNIFE" allows viewers to choose surgeon's cuts

* What good are bombs if ya don't use 'em? They'll go bad.

* I will give up my duct tape when they pry my cold dead fingers from around it

* WAR and ANNIHILATION Please

* The Fatkins Diet: eat whatever the heck you want in generous portions

* President diagnosed with "John Wayne Syndrome." Calls many folks "Pilgrim."

* THE ROLLING STEINS: Yiddish Rock Group Covers Stones' Material

* Food Network sued over viewer weight gains

* When will our enemies realize they're wrong and we're right?

* The President takes a page from Nike: "Just Bomb it."

* Bush: "North Korea, wouldn't wanna be ya."